17: The Gorilla Delusion
Work that day – known forevermore as the day I molested Griffin - was hellish. Work the next day was hellish. The next two weeks were utterly bloody hellish.
All because I didn't exchange a single word with Griffin douchebag Davis, who was avoiding me like the plague. To be fair, we were both sort of avoiding each other, meaning that we had a great system of mutual avoidance going on. We seemed to have reverted to the method which I had used on my first day at work, all those months and adventures ago.
It stung a little (more like a lot), how a friendship that had grown to be quite strong – until the last couple of weeks, I would have considered calling Griffin if I was stranded somewhere and needed someone – had suddenly disappeared. It was as if it had never existed at all, and now we were simply two awkward co-workers who apparently couldn't stand to be in each other's vicinity.
It seemed as though the closest I would ever come to seeing or touching Griffin again would be if I accidentally (on purpose) groped him again. But even that was incredibly unlikely, considering the way he turned around and walked in the opposite direction every time he laid eyes on me.
One time in particular came to mind from the previous week, where I had been at the scanner in the office, copying in photographs of Milan as part of a report Kate was making me do on the convention there. Griffin had been making his way towards the photocopier, stopping in his tracks when he saw me standing beside it. Promptly turning on his heel, he walked away before I could say anything or tell him that I was literally two seconds away from finishing with it, and that he needn't walk all the way back to his desk.
There was so much I wanted to say to him – so much I wanted to do to him (depending on which light you looked at that in, it sounded pretty psychotic). But I couldn't.
'Bang him! Bang himmmm!' I yelled at the TV screen, shaking my spoon at it. I flopped further back into the pillows which Verity, Cassie, Freya and I had thrown onto the floor. All of us were wrapped in Verity's massive duvet, with our eyes glued to the screen as Hugh Dancy came into shot, standing in his office and looking like the biggest sex bomb as we all wished we were Isla Fisher.
We were having a movie night, binge-watching romcoms and gorging on junk food – currently, two movies in, Confessions of a Shopaholic was playing. That evening, Benji and Lewis had taken one look at the DVDs we had stacked on Verity's coffee table and decided that they would give our movie night a miss, dragging Verity's husband Matt out mini-golfing with them.
Reaching over and grabbing the spoon and the tub of Ben & Jerry's out of my hands, Verity spooned some into her mouth before she asked, 'Who would you rather bang - Hugh Dancy or Hugh Laurie?'
I gave Verity a look and pointed to my own torso, where Hugh Laurie's face was printed on my favourite t-shirt. I hadn't worn this in ages, the fact it was old and had been through the wash a thousand times resulting in the black being slightly faded, as well as the print of Hugh's face. 'No contest. Does it look like I want to bang anyone more than I'd bang Hugh Laurie? I don't think so.'
Freya and Cassie sniggered while Verity rolled her eyes.
'But he's a married man, you nutter!'
'That wouldn't stop me,' I said boldly, before cackling. 'All right, all right, I lie - I wouldn't go there unless he was single, I'm not that big of a bitch. Who would you lot rather shag?'
'Hugh Dancy any day,' the others all agreed immediately, while I looked aghast.
'I will never understand you guys,' I said, throwing a piece of popcorn up into the air, trying (and failing) to catch it in my mouth, with it simply hitting my nose and falling lamely onto my duvet-covered lap. 'Clearly your tastes in men aren't as refined as mine.'
'Let's play Would You Rather, then, and see just how refined your taste are, you pompous cow,' Verity said with a grin, tossing a Sour Patch Kid at my forehead, little flecks of sugar flying through the space between us as it bounced off.
Our attention moved away from the film, teenaged giddiness flooding through us all as we prepared to think of the worst options we possibly could. Briefly, I wondered if slumber parties would ever stop being fun. Probably not, considering we were all massive kids at heart.
'I'll start,' Freya proposed, a slow, satisfied grin playing on her lips and letting us know she had thought of a particularly awful one. 'Would you rather have sex in a public toilet and have one of your parents walk in on you, or have sex with Mr Daniel Harden?'
A simultaneous groan sounded through the room.
'Is there a neither option?' Cassie asked, looking genuinely quite worried, as though the choice was a prophecy which was going to come true.
Daniel Harden (whose surname was very apt, considering he was a perv who walked around with a semi ninety-eight percent of the time) was the fifty-two year old client at Light My Match who had gone through a string of twenty-seven unsuccessful dates, attained through the matchmaking service. Since he had never actually done anything wrong – except "lick his hammy lips, breathe heavily, and make audible chewing sounds every time he ate" (direct quotes from a feedback survey one of his dates had taken) - we couldn't prevent him from hiring us to get him a date. He was pretty much the sole reason our matchmaking profile didn't have a one-hundred percent success rating. Not seeing his face every few weeks was probably the greatest perk of no longer working at Light My Match.
'Fuck it - give me the public toilet,' I said, hands up in the air in surrender. 'I'd much rather have my mum walk in on me doing the dirty with someone I actually like, than have that gorilla of a man penetrate me.'
Cassie giggled and nodded her agreement, while Verity winced. 'He is disgusting. The idea of that man penetrating anyone makes me weep,' Verity said, making a retching face. 'I actually feel quite sick now. Thanks for that, Frey.'
'Anytime, my girl, anytime,' Freya grinned, giving her a wink. She nodded to Cassie, who was next to her. 'Your turn, Cass.'
Cassie tapped her lip with her index finger thoughtfully. 'Would you rather...give Daniel Harden a lap-dance that lasts five minutes, or kiss him full-on the mouth?'
'Noooo!' I roared. 'They can't all be about that beastly thing!'
Cassie collapsed into laughter, clapping her hands together. 'You have to answer, guys!'
'I think I would rather commit suicide,' Verity mumbled.
'Uh-uh, Ver,' Freya said. 'You've got to make a choice. Besides, you suggested the game! I'd go for the lap-dance, personally.'
Verity grimaced. 'I'd probably choose the kiss,' she said. 'It could literally be a peck lasting half a second.'
Cassie turned to look at me, smiling. 'You, Lai?'
I winced. 'I'd probably go with the lap-dance too – there is no way I'm exchanging even the slightest bit of DNA with that old perv. At least a lap-dance wouldn't result in any direct skin-on-skin contact.'
We all made the same face at the thought.
'All right, I've got one! And it's not about the gorilla-man-thing, because I'm original,' Verity said, batting her hands and thoughts of the infamous and repugnant Daniel Harden away. 'Would you rather bang Benji or Lewis?'
I scrunched up my nose. 'Really? You want us to answer that?'
Freya rolled her eyes. 'Considering half of the people in the room have already shagged them – or are still shagging them,' she jabbed her thumb in the direction of Cass, 'we already know how Laina and Cassie are going to answer that crap question.'
'No insulting my amazing question, you bitch!' Verity said, swatting her. 'Go on though, who would you rather do?'
'You've become so violent recently, haven't you?' Freya said jokingly, reaching over and lightly shoving her. I noticed that Freya had subtly completely avoided answering the question. 'First throwing stuff at Laina, and now you're batting your hand at me like I'm a fly.'
Verity was about to retort sassily, when the sound of the front door being opened floated into the living room where the four of us were huddled, all of our heads turning towards the doorway as we heard the sounds of male voices.
Door opening, Lewis, Benji and Matt strolled into the room, having shrugged off their coats and shoes by the front door.
'You guys are back early,' Verity remarked, tilting her head back into Matt's lap once he took a seat on the sofa behind her, his legs against her back.
'It started raining,' Benji explained simply, running a hand through his slightly damp blond curls as he walked over our legs to get to Cassie so that he could sit next to her. He was a lovesick puppy, that one.
'We'd rather watch your sappy stuff than stand out in the rain and play mini-golf, basically,' Lewis said dryly, taking a seat in the armchair. 'Although it seems real life is even sappier than this film.' He nodded towards Cassie and Benji, instantly too engrossed in each other to even realise he was making a remark about them.
'Whatever, you jealous plonker,' Verity said to him, sticking her tongue out at Lewis before she lifted her arms and slung them around Matt's neck, giving him an upside-down kiss pointedly.
Not expecting it, Matt made a small sound of surprise, before he smiled into the kiss, his hands knotting into her hair.
Suddenly, the conflicting feelings within me, of wanting to have what they had, and of never wanting to be touched again, were so overpowering that my heart seemed to stop beating in my chest, like the breath had been knocked out of my lungs. I felt winded and suffocated all at the same time.
Happy couples were everywhere – on the TV screen, Hugh Dancy was gazing lovingly at Isla Fisher; on either side of me, Verity and Cassie were loved up in their deliriously happy, stable relationships. The room was full of so much romantic love that I didn't know where to look.
With nothing to do but excuse myself, I stood up from the floor and made my way to the kitchen. Filling up a glass of water, I leant against Verity's fridge as I slowly sipped at it, running my pinkie over the rim of the glass thoughtfully, grateful for the soothing coolness of the stainless steel behind my head. I wasn't alone for too long, however, once Freya walked into the kitchen behind me.
'You all right, lovely?' Freya asked concernedly.
I nodded. 'Yeah, of course,' I lied, quickly thinking of an excuse. 'Don't think the pizza went down too well with my stomach, though.'
Freya looked unconvinced at my response, but she didn't push it, accepting it with a small nod of her own. 'How's everything else going with you? What's really happening in the love department – apart from your ongoing imaginary love-affair with that old geezer from House?'
I couldn't help but grin a little ruefully. 'Non-existent,' I gave her the short answer. Voluntarily non-existent, though, so I had no right to complain.
Freya smiled back. 'What about that guy from work? What was his name? Griffin?'
'Yeah,' I said. 'Not much happening there.' I didn't know why I wasn't just being upfront about what was happening with Griffin with anyone. At work, Felicity and Emilie had noticed something had gone a little awry with us, Fliss eventually asking what had happened. I had given her the same answer I had given Freya just now.
'How about with you though, babe?' I asked, shifting the conversation towards her. It wasn't just a tactic to move the topic away from myself; Freya had been single for a year, and I wanted her to be happy with someone. We didn't often get the opportunity to talk about stuff like this.
'Oh, nothing. Except I actually wanted to ask if-' Freya broke off.
'Yeah?' I said, giving her a small, encouraging smile.
Freya pursed her lips. 'I wanted to ask if it was okay for me to maybe ask Lewis out,' she said eventually, her voice lowered, letting out the breath she had been holding in. 'I've been – thinking about him a lot, lately and I don't know, I think there might be something there, but I know it's weird because of us and because girl-code and-'
I was a little surprised, but there wasn't a single part of me that would have objected.
'Oh Frey, you don't have to ask for my permission to go there! Don't be such a nut,' I told her, reaching out to grab her hand and giving it a squeeze. 'Why wouldn't I want two of my favourite people in the world to get it on?'
She let out a shimmering laugh, but reluctance still clouded her features. 'Really?'
I gave her a look. 'Of course, you loon. Girl-code doesn't apply because Lewis and I were never in a full-blown relationship. Whatever we had has long since faded.' (Well, longish since faded, but faded nonetheless.)
Hearing about Freya liking Lewis had momentarily distracted me from the feelings of yearning floating around my brain and making it fuzzy.
'How long have you been thinking about him?' I asked gently.
'Only the last few weeks,' she said, rubbing her neck. 'It was like one night I went to sleep, and then the next morning I woke up and went to work, and I just saw him in a completely different light. He's just so nice, and – and I think I sort of just fell.'
I smiled softly. 'Frey,' I said her name with gentle urging. 'Go for it.
'Are you sure?' Freya asked again. 'Don't just say yes to be a good friend, because I know that's something you would do.'
I rolled my eyes. 'Bitch, you know me better than that, and you know that I mean what I say. Now come on, let's go back to the others,' I said, making my way back towards the living room.
As I clambered back into my position on the floor, Lewis had stolen Freya's seat beside Verity.
'Er, you're sitting in my place, Lewis!' Freya said, crossing her arms and looking down at him.
'You'll have to fight me for it,' Lewis teased, raising his eyebrows and daring her to make a move. He settled into the pillows to annoy her even further.
'I'm a pacifist!' she objected. 'I don't believe in fighting!'
Lewis rolled his eyes, giving her a one-shouldered shrug and his winning smile. 'Nothing you can do, then.'
Freya narrowed her eyes in response, hesitating before she grabbed his arm and tried to yank him away with a gentle tug.
'Come on, Freya, you can do better than that,' Lewis said, letting out a laugh and spreading out his arms. 'Give me the best you've got.'
'No encouraging violence in my home,' Verity said in her best schoolteacher voice, making the rest of us titter. We were onlookers to something which was blossoming, and we all knew it. I hoped that Lewis knew it too, and that he said yes to Freya.
Freya resorted to kneeling down beside Lewis, wrapping her arms around his navel, and trying to pull him away with every ounce of strength she had (which unfortunately wasn't much, considering how tiny she was). Lewis let out an exhilarated laugh, saying, 'It just feels like you're trying to hug me, Frey.' He threw his body weight back into the pillows on the floor, resulting in her crashing into his lap.
'Steady,' Matt and Verity said in unison, before turning to look at each other and high-fiving, Cassie and Benji laughing at them.
Everyone around me was in love and in motion as a result of it, or in Freya and Lewis's case – halfway there. As much as it made my heart swell with joy, and there was a smile on my face, something inside me turned a little cold as the lonely ache overpowered everything else.