"Nick?!" Melissa asked. "Nick who?"
I realized I've never mentioned Nick to Melissa or Andy before. So I told them about my meeting with Nick yesterday, and that I'll be meeting him again later. We all woke up early just to have a fancy breakfast at a cafe because we feel like it. It was Andy's fault.
"Remember when we went to the beach and then I went to get some coke from the bar? There was a drunk guy there and Nick saved me from him??? Remember?????" I said, looking at Melissa expectantly.
Andy rolled his eyes. "You mean the beach trip you didn't invite me to?"
I looked at him apologetically.
"Oh! I remember." Melissa grinned. "The one who made Luke jealous."
I nodded, looking down.
Andy glared at her. "Did you really have to mention Luke?"
"Oh. I'm sorry." Melissa muttered.
"Speaking of Luke," I straightened up from my seat and took a deep breath. "I told him last night that we should talk."
Suddenly, the two of them seemed very interested.
"And??" Melissa waved her hand, urging me to go on.
"He agreed. He said we could meet today, at my flat..." I bit my lip. Last night, I couldn't go to sleep thinking about what may happen. It's all I could think about. Luke. Luke. I sighed.
Andy frowned. "I thought you're gonna watch a movie with that Nick guy today."
"Oh shit." I gasped. I hadn't thought about that. I was so focused on seeing Luke that I forgot to tell him about Nick.
"That's okay." Melissa shrugged. "I mean, you could just tell him that you'll meet Luke. He'll understand."
My classes are only up until 2 PM today, so maybe I could have Nick over for a bit. Luke won't arrive until 6. So we could still put on and watch a movie he was talking about. "Never mind. I've got it covered." I said. I'll just text Nick later.
"What happened with Luke?????" Andy asked. "Was that it? He just agreed?"
I stayed quiet for a while and watch the disappointment in their faces. I nearly laughed, but the moment was too serious. "No." I shook my head. "He asked me how I was. Of course, I said I'm fine, I guess. Then I asked how he's doing. And he said whatever Calum said was probably true. So I said the same thing. I'm pretty sure Calum told Luke about everything."
"Then??"
I hesitate for a bit. "He... he told me he missed me." I bit my lip. "And suddenly I forgot I was supposed to be moving on from him. It's just.. he makes it so much harder." I hear my voice crack.
"Oh, Sydny..." Melissa put her hand above mine.
"I made him stop. Then he started on saying sorry over and over. He said, why does he always screw things up? I said, because he's Luke. And then I let it slip. I told him I missed him too. But I said that I just told him that because he said it first."
"And, of course, he knows you're lying." Andy said.
I nodded, smiling, but there were tears in my eyes. "Then when we said good night, he sent me his usual goodnight text. He didn't mean to. It was out of habit. And I just.. the flashbacks." I let a teardrop fall, but I wiped it away quickly. "What's worse is that I felt like it was almost like before. It was almost like how it used to be. And I just keep forgetting that we're over... It sucks. Sucks to love like this."
I fought back the coming tears because Andy and Melissa were both looking at me sympathetically. I hate it.
I took a deep breath. "So, yeah... That's that.
"I hope you sort it all out later, Syd." Melissa said.
Andy nodded. "Not to pressure you or anything, but if you don't feel like ending it-- like fully ending it-- please don't. You know why."
I smiled. "Thanks, guys."
But I didn't end it because I want to. I ended it because I had to. I couldn't bear to be with Luke and remember what he did. It's still painful to think of it. So I think I'll stand by my decision. I just want to talk to clear things and maybe, just maybe, forgive him.
And with that, we headed to the school for another day of classes. God. I can't wait to graduate.
.
During my last class, I texted Nick to let him know about the changes in our meeting schedule. I was at one of those large lecture halls with loads of students, so Professor Browne probably doesn't care what anyone was doing.
Me: Hey, are you available at 2:30??
Nick: Why? Can't have a stranger lingering in your flat at night? Hahahaha
Me: Noooo. Luke and I are supposed to meet at 6. It's his only free day.
Nick: Ohh. It's good that he agreed.
Nick: I guess I could make it at 3. Text me your adress.
Me: Of course he did. Hahaha
Me: Yayyyyy. Thank you Nick.
Me: *insert adress*
Me: Bring the movie.
Nick: I will.
Nick: See you. ;)
Me: See yah. :)
I turned my phone off and tried to concentrate at the lecture going on. But the possibilities of what may happen between Luke and I later are just too much. They won't leave me alone.
Bad thing is... I'm fine with it.
.
I came home at about 2:45. My flat wasn't that messy. Everything looks fine, so I didn't have to do anything anymore. I threw myself at the couch and fiddled with my phone.
At about 3:30, Nick arrived.
"Oh thank God." He said, as I opened the door. "I was pretty sure I'm gonna end up in the wrong door."
"Well, you got the right one. And you're late." I grinned, letting him inside. I told him to take a seat and he did at once. He refused everything I offered him except for popcorn.
"My workmate arrived late." He said.
When I asked what he picked for today, he waved the DVD in his hands.
"Blended?!" I laughed. "I've seen that movie!"
Nick scoffed. "So have I!"
I frowned at him.
"What? It's the only good thing available. Besides, it's funny." He said.
I rolled my eyes at him. "Okay, fine." I took the DVD from him and put it in my laptop.
"No DVD player? Okay." Nick grinned.
I asked Nick to set up the movie so I could make the popcorn. I gave him the laptop and the speakers.
"You sure you don't want anything?" I asked as I went to the kitchen.
"I'll have whatever you have." He said. After a while, Nick walked over to the kitchen, "Hey, Sydny?"
"Yeah? You done setting up?"
He nodded. "Do you mind if I look around?"
"Yeah, sure." I smiled. "My room's over there. There's a balcony inside, just opposite the one on the living room.
"Oh." He grinned. "You sure I can go in your room?"
I nodded. It was starting to smell popcorn everywhere. "It's not like I'm hiding a corpse in there."
"Alright, then." He laughed and walked off.
I got the popcorn out of the microwave and made some ice tea, just to have something to drink.
When I was done with everything, which isn't that much, Nick still hasn't come back yet. So I decided to go after him.
He was in my room, staring at the collaged pictures in my wall in awe. I walked beside him and looked at it too.
"How long have you and Luke been together?" Nick asked.
I'm not really sure, since Luke and I aren't like the others who count the months and celebrate them. We just sort of go with it, I guess. I counted up the months in my head. I think it was since... August or something.
"7 or 8 months, I think." I said quietly. "We don't really keep track of it."
"Quite long." Nick muttered. "You have a lot of memories with him."
"Yeah..." I bit my lip. I could tell him the story behind each picture, and I bet I'll be tearing up immediately.
"No wonder you miss him a lot. It's a shame.. what he did. You two looked quite happy."
I nodded. "We were." As we were talking, a lot of things from the past had replayed in my mind. It's so not helping. I took a deep breath. "Okay, enough."
Nick looked at me in slight surprise but he didn't say anything.
"Come on, let's go back." I said, pulling him with me to the living room. "It's nearly 4."
We watched the movie in silence except for those times when we laugh. I caught him glancing at me a few times. Everytime I did, we both hastily look away.
Nick keeps on fidgeting with his hands. I don't know what's making him so uncomfortable. Whatever it is, it's making me uncomfortable too. So I tried to strike up a conversation.
"That dude that looks like a vampire is hot," I said, grabbing some more popcorn.
"Zak Henri?" Nick scoffed. "He's too pale and skinny."
I looked at him. "Well, I said he looks like a vampire, didn't I?"
"You watch too many Twilight movies." He laughed and I rolled my eyes at him.
"Drew Barrymore is hot." Nick said, after a while.
I shrugged. "Yeah. I mean, who am I to deny that?"
"You're the infamous Sydny Green. I'm pretty sure girls online are looking up on your latest updates blah blah blah." Nick laughed.
I just looked at him like he's crazy.
"What? I found your twitter last night. You have, like 400k followers or something." He said.
I shrugged. "I'm pretty sure those aren't my fans." They're 5SOSFAM members mostly.
"Well, they won't be following you if they hate you, won't they?" Nick smirked.
I rolled my eyes at him. He just laughed.
"Don't you think that hurts?" I asked, referring to the movie.
"What?"
"That thing Adam Sandler does to Drew." I said. "Like his tapping or snapping at her neck repeatedly, I don't know."
Nick looked at the laptop. Adam Sandler and Drew finally kissed at the last scene during the baseball game. Aw, they look so cute together. What the hell. Ten years is too long to wait for another one of their movies. Why does it have to be ten years?! Why can't it just be every year?
"Why don't we try it?" Nick said.
"What?" I laughed. "No."
"Well, how would you know?"
I crossed my arms over my chest. "I guess I won't be able to know, then."
"Why did you ask in the first place?" He stuck his tongue out at me mockingly.
"Oh, damn it." I muttered under my breath. I don't like backing up on challenges. "Fine, then."
"Look up." He said, lifting my chin. My shoulders rised involuntarily. My neck is sensitive and could be tickled easily.
Nick snaps his fingers at my neck. I giggled. He did it again and again. My laughter was uncontrollable. I really hate being tickled because I feel like I'm losing control of my body. So I looked down to hide my neck.
"Stop." I said, between giggles. But Nick didn't. He was just simply tickling my neck, and when he couldn't reach it anymore because I've bowed too much that my head was in his lap, he started tickling my sides.
"Now, tell me how it feels." He laughed.
"Stop!" I squealed, trying to keep away from his grasp but I was too weak from all the laughter. "Ohmygod. Stop it."
He was laughing now too. And I was squirming too much that I fell down the couch. Nick finally stopped.
"I can't fucking breathe." I said trying to stop myself from laughing. My sides hurt.
"I'm sorry." Nick laughed. "Does it hurt?"
I shook my head and catched my breath, smiling. I got up from the floor and started attacking him with my throwpillows.
"Damn you." I said, smacking him. "I hate being tickled."
Our laughter echoed on the walls.
Soon, there was a pillow fight going on. Obviously, he's winning. All I could do was run away so I raced to my bedroom, and tried to lock my door but Nick was fast. I pushed my shoulder against the door to try and keep it close. But, of course he was also stronger, so he got the door opened in no time.
"Don't you dare come close." I warned, walking to the other end of my room, throwing my pillow at him. I'm trying so hard to keep myself from smiling.
I love how at this moment, I forgot about everything. It's like nothing matters. And all I could do was laugh and be playful.
"What are you gonna' do?" He asked, laughing.
"Probably not what she did to me." A familiar voice said.
I flinched. Luke appeared behind Nick, who turned around, looking stricken.
"Luke. What--" I looked down at the clock on my bedside table. 6:23 PM. Well, shit.
"Hey, man." Nick said, ignoring me. Luke gave him an acknowledging nod. They did this guy handshake of some sort. How the fuck do guys manage to stay calm at these situations? "She's been waiting for you."
I looked at him gratefully. We both know it's a lie. I've forgotten everything during the past couple of hours.
Luke was looking at me. My eyes were switching from him to Nick then back again. This is so surreal and awkward. God. How do I magically disappear?
"Uh, I'm gonna' go." Nick said, breaking the awkward silence. "See you, Sydny."
"Hey," I called out. "Your DVD." His DVD was still in my laptop.
"It's fine." He smiled. "I'll get it some time."
And with that he went off. Luke gave him a quick, forced smile when he passed by him.
I heard my door closed, and suddenly here I am. Facing the guy I still love, with the situation being too complicated that I suddenly realize how crazy of an idea it was to meet with him. And here we both are, awkwardly waiting for each other to speak up.
I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel right now. It's been too long since I faced him, even though he was just a few minutes away. And the last time I did, I was crying and I broke up with him.
"Hey," He said, looking down. "It's, uh, it's nice to see you." He said it as if the situation with Nick didn't just happen.
"You too." I said, taking a deep breath after. "Look, I'm sorry. With Nick. It was just.. We were just--"
"Syd," Luke cut me off. "You don't have to explain. It's not like I'm still your boyfriend."
"Right." I sighed, walking down and sitting at the edge of my bed. "And you seem fine with that."
"What? Of course I'm not. I mean, it's not like you'll magically forgive me out of nowhere and you'll get back together with me. So why bother getting pissed?" He let out a sarcastic laugh.
"Luke." I said, giving him a serious look. "Come here."
He sighed and sat beside me.
"Don't act like I broke up with you just because I wanted to." I said quietly. "You know why I did it. And I just want to make things okay for both of us."
Luke took a sharp breath. "If you think I could be okay knowing you still hate me, then I guess you haven't known me well throughout our relationship."
"I know you won't be." I bit my lip. Whenever we had an argument, no matter how simple it is, Luke won't stop bugging me until I say I forgive him. He'd keep me up all night if he had too. "And I don't hate you."
He looked me in the eyes. A strong wave of emotions hit me and I suddenly felt dizzy. Why did this have to happen? Why did I have to let go of this stupid idiot beside me?
"I hate what you did." I said. "I hate how you gave me no choice but this. I hate how it feels like I'm an option again. I hate how you just threw everything we had away. And most of all," My voice became smaller. "I hate that I had to lose you."
Tears pricked the back of my eyes. I blinked them away before Luke would notice. He burried his face in his hands with a groan.
"You know," He said. "You make this all so confusing. You broke up with me but everything you're saying sounds like I'm the one who did it. It's like I'm the one who ended us."
"Because you're the one who did." I said. "I wouldn't have had to do it if you didn't do what you've done. It's still the bottomline."
"I know." Luke groaned. " But let me just explain what happened. Please."
I just looked at him, to let him continue.
"It happened two to three shows before the one in London. She.. she showed up there." Madison. I still can't believe her. "I don't know how she got through backstage. But she was there, and then I said hi and left. I was having one of those times when I missed you the most because there was a couple in the crowd. Someone brought her boyfriend and I thought they were lucky to be together. So yeah. I wanted to be alone. So I went away from the boys and she managed to find me. And she says funny things to make me laugh but she was trying so hard. She noticed that I was sad, and that's why she kissed me. God, it felt so wrong. And I was so worried and scared that you would know... Then at the show in Dublin, two shows before the one you saw, she appeared again. And she cornered me. And then Calum walked in on us in the dressing room when we kissed, and my hands are on her stomach because she put it there--"
"Stop." I said. "I don't want to hear what you two did."
"Let me finish." Luke groaned. "I thought Calum told you about it that's why I kept on calling you that night. And I was so frustrated because I thought you knew and you were ignoring me. Then I saw you in London and I was with her... God I never hated myself more than I did at that moment. When I came back here in L.A., I couldn't bear to face you. And Madison was here too. So I tried to cut things off with her. She went to our house and she just wont stop. The boys are torturing me on how much of a jerk I am. I don't blame them. And then that day at the mall, I meet up with her and told her that I want it to stop and then she kissed me in the parking lot with loads of people around. And you saw it..."
I gave him a cold, hard stare. "You could have told me, Luke. You could've told me from the start that she was giving you a hard time and I would have done something!"
"I was scared!" He protested.
"Of what?!" I snapped. "You weren't doing anything wrong at the time!"
"I though I'd lose you." Luke said quietly.
"You did, anyway..." I said.
Luke messed up his hair in frustration. "And I really really really regret it. All of it. And I'm trying so hard to ask you to forgive me. I can't take this anymore. I can't take the fact that you won't forgive me. That I can't have you back. That you obviously looked like you're going on with your life, while I'm stuck trying to move on. But I can't. Because I don't want to."
"Obviously going on with my life? What?" I looked at him, my eyebrows furrowed. "You have no idea what the hell this did to me. You have no idea how I wish this would all change. How much I think about it that it's beginning to get unhealthy. It sucks so much to see Melissa with Michael because I miss you more and more. And everyday I question myself if I did the right thing, because I feel so incomplete. I always tell myself that I could move on someday. But everynight it's the same. I always keep remembering stuffs we did. All those good times. Then I'll remember what made me end this."
I took a deep breath and pushed my tears back again. I looked down at my feet.
"If that's how you're feeling, then why won't we just do it all again?" Luke asked. "Sydny, I'm just right here. And I want all of it back. I didn't want to lose it. I didn't mean to hurt you... I love you."
Fuck. There. He said it again. That just made it a lot harder. I choke back a sob. "It's too late, Luke. I don't know.. I want it back too. But there's something holding me back."
He knelt down in front of me, and made me look at him. "Hey. I won't hurt you again. I promise. Just please... I need you."
"Promise is a big word, Luke." I bit my lip. "You promised that to me before. And look where we are now..."
Luke shook his head. "No. Sydny, please. I'm really sorry for what I did. I'd do anything for you to forgive me."
"I've already forgiven you." I pulled him back up, so he's sitting beside me again. "But I'm not ready yet. It still hurts. It hurts to look at you, even."
Luke sighed and looked down. After a while, he let out a hollow laugh. "Wow." He said. "Is this what you mean by making things okay? Because I sure as hell don't feel okay."
I looked him in the eye. There are so many things I want to say to him but even as I open my mouth, they just won't come out the way I want them too.
"I don't feel any better." I said, and let our the same, hollow laugh.
"See?" He said, suddenly. "That's why I don't get it. Why can't we just start from scratch? You've forgiven me. We obviously feel the same about each other." He stopped. "Do you love me?"
I bit my lip. "I do." I said quietly. "I fucking do. And that's what makes this harder. I still love you but I can't bear the thought of being with you because every time I try to forget about what you did, it just keeps comig back. And I told you, the memory of it still hurts me. I know I forgave you. And I love you more than ever. And I miss you a lot. I miss you too fucking much. But you see, even as I speak to you right now, I can see you with... with her. I can't help but imagine what you did with her. And I fucking hate how you ran to her when you needed someone on tour. All this time, it has all been okay for us. We were fine with dealing with long distance. You said that night when we got together that we'll work things out. And we did. But then she happened. I don't know what made you do it. But it's done. And don't fucking tell me that she's the one who did it, because you're at fault too."
Luke looked like he'd been slap across the face. "Well, that explained why." He took a shaky breath. "And that hurt..."
"I'm sorry." I looked down at my hands.
"No. I'm sorry." Luke said. "I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. I know I kept on saying excuses, but they're true. Not that it changes anything. You're right that I'm at fault too. Fine. But really, I'm so sorry. I don't know why. It just happened. I wish you were with me on tour. We used to work it out nicely. I don't know... I regret it. If it didn't happen, we could be spending this night together, just talking about good stuff. We could just be cuddling, or going away again. But you're right. I understand why you can't start over."
I let a tear fall again. "I hate it when you talk about the things we could be doing right now. It's like hopelessly dreaming something. And I hate that it's what I think about everynight. I almost expect for goodnight texts, but I don't deserve it.."
"You deserve it. You deserve better than me. I always tell you that, but you didn't listen. Look at you now." Luke wiped the tear away. "I wanted to text you every damn time. But I was afraid you'd be annoyed. That's why I made the boys text you instead."
I smiled sadly. "I knew it."
Luke smiled too. Then for a while, we just stayed there in silence. If this will be the last time that we'll be talking to each other for a long time, might as well, tell him everything.
"Hey, can we, like, do something?" I said, bringing my legs up the bed.
"Like what?" Luke frowned.
I bit my lip. "This sounds stupid, but can we just... recall all the good times?"
"The good times." Luke smiled sadly. "Wow. It's almost like a normal Luke and Sydny conversation..."
"Exactly." I grinned.
"We usually do it while cuddling." Luke said with sheepish grin. I glared at him. "Just kidding, babe. I know you won't agree."
I ignored the fact that he just called me babe again. I took a deep breath, and layed down on my bed, looking at the ceiling. Luke did the same.
"So who starts?" He asked.
"Remember that time during Christmas when we were making out at your room then your mum suddenly calls you?" I said, by a way of answering.
"I thought we're going on the good stuff? That's more like the best-things-that-ever-happened stuff?" Luke laughed. "But yeah. You practically performed magic when you covered our hickeys with your make up."
"Er, not really. Charlie and Calum noticed mine." I said, smiling at the memory.
"Who cares? My mum didn't see. She'd freak out. You know how she is." He said.
"Mama's boy." I teased.
Luke rolled his eyes. "Last time you teased me that, we made out."
I stayed quiet, just smiling.
Then after a while, he said, "Remember your birthday?"
"Yeah. How could I forget?" I giggled. "Those were one of the times when I loved you the most."
"Really?" He shifted to look at me. "Why so?"
"It's just amazing. I don't know how you managed to surprise me like that. And it was one of the best birthdays ever, just because you were there. I felt really special and all that. Like I'm the only girl in the world. I was just so lucky to have you." Oh shit. I realized what I just said when I've already said it. So before Luke could say anything, I hastily added. "And you ignored me for quite some time. I was pretty sure you were dumping me."
"Oh, please." Luke scoffed. "I wouldn't dump you even if you're going to kill me."
I frowned. "I will never ever ever kill you."
"Oh but you already are." He smirked.
I punched him lightly on the shoulder. Luke just laughed. It really does felt like a normal Luke and Sydny conversations. Given the timing, it felt wrong. But at the moment, I don't care. I might not be able to feel like this for a long time.
"What were the others?" Luke asked.
"What?" I frowned.
"You said that was one of the times when you loved me the most." Luke said carefully. "So, what were the other?"
"Oh." I sat up and put one of my legs above the other.
Luke shifted and put his head on my lap, but just as he did, he sat up quickly.
"I'm sorry." He bit his lip. "I'm just used to it."
I looked down, trying to hide the colors rushing to my cheeks.
He layed his back at the headboard, and I did too. Our shoulders were touching, and its driving me crazy how I can't touch him the way I used to.
"Continue with the rest of the times you said you loved me the most." Luke said.
"Right." I cleared my throat. "Well, when you tell me stuffs that makes me blush uncontrollably. I mean, I don't know. Maybe you're joking, but still. And um, during our first date, when there was a shooting star and you didn't make a wish because you said you have everything you could wish for. I mean, I wasn't even sure if I already loved you back then. But when I think about it, it gives me the feels. Also, when you introduce me to people and you put your arms around my waist like you're afraid I might run away. And you tell them I'm your girlfriend with that proud look on your face, like having me as a girlfriend was the best thing ever. Um, also when you get jealous about random guys who I don't even like. You look cute when you're jealous. And most especially, I love you when you make me feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world. Like, when we're alone like this, and you'd tell me stuffs in a genuine way. And out of nowhere, you'll just say that you love me, like you want me to understand. But I will never understand why or how... and that's how I like it."
"Wow." Luke whispered. "You made it sound a hundred times better."
I shook my head and smiled. "No. Those were all true."
"God, I wish you were still mine so I could kiss you right now." He muttered, closing his eyes, and running his fingers through his hair.
And I don't know what came into me. But it felt like the right thing to do, so I leaned in and gave him the kiss he was looking for. Luke was surprised at first, but he responded immediately. One of his hand touched my cheek gently. I forced my hands to stay at my side. My mind was racing. I miss this feeling. I miss the way his lips feels on mine. I missed us so much. The kiss remained soft and sweet until the end.
Luke has a surprised look in his face. "What just-- Why did you--"
"I had to." I bit my lip.
Luke closed his eyes and groaned. "You keep on making this harder and harder. You tell me you still love me and then you kiss me and then you'll say that you don't want to get back together. I don't know. It feels like you've been playing with my feelings. I love you Sydny. I love you a lot. And I know that I need you. But you're confusing me."
"I know." I started crying again. "I know, Luke. God, I'm sorry. Why does this keep on happening? Why is it we keep on hurting each other without meaning to? It sucks."
The kiss felt like more than how it usually felt like. It doesn't taste like goodbye, or I miss you. I feel like I made it more like 'I want you back,' and that's even worse. It's worse because my heart and my mond are constantly fighting each other and I keep on doing these stupid things that just confuse us both. I'm so helpless.
Luke stayed quiet. After a while, he said, "All I want is for us to go back the way we were before. I understand why you won't, Syd. But the way you kissed me, God.."
"I'm sorry." I sobbed. "I'm sorry for making this hard for you. I want to go back the way we were before but I can't. I want to but I can't. That sounds stupid, I know. You don't know how much I want to forget about it. I just miss you, Luke. And it's hard for me. I don't know why I can't just move on."
We were just going back and forth with the talk. I don't know why. But it's like neither of us wants to let go just yet. If this will be our last moment together, then who cares what we say and do?
Right then, Luke didn't say anything. He just took me in his arms, and I tried to stop myself from crying. I buried my face in his chest. I saw the other half of my necklace hanging around his neck. It made me cry harder. Plus the smell of his cologne, the one I love, is like a stupid reminder of what I can't have. I still have some of his clothes at my closet. I take them out at some nights when he's away on tour, and just smell them until his scent fades. I know it sounds stupid, but it makes me feel like he's close.
Luke kissed the top of my head, then I heard him sob. I pulled away from his grasp to look up at him. When I did, Luke looked down.
"Luke, I'm sorry." I cried. "This is hard for me too."
"I know." He said in a low voice. He looked up but not at me. "It's just that you make me hope for things all over again. I thought when I came here that I could finally have you back. I thought I had a chance. Then I saw you with that guy. I don't even know you're seeing him. Not that I have the right to know. But when I heard you laughing, I thought I was too late. It fucking hurts to think that you were gone too soon. And then you tell me, after, that you love me... You still love me. But you say you can't be with me. Then you do all these stuffs, and I just lose it. I want to hold back, because I'm afraid that if I keep on pushing you, I'd lose you forever. And I don't want that. I can't stand the thought of you not being able to look at me... and not see hate." His voice broke. And I can't help but cry.
"Luke," I said. "Ugh, I hate this. Please don't torture yourself over me. I will always love you. You've been a huge part of me. You've helped me move on from my past. You helped me out with all of my problems. So even if we're no longer together, you'll always be with me in my heart. We could still be friends, Luke. You're a great person. And I don't want to lose you forever too."
He scoffed, and rolled his eyes which were now bloodshot. "Friends, sure. And I'll watch as you fall in love with another guy. I'll watch as he makes you laugh, and listens to all your funny stories, and watch you two do fun stuffs together. And even after a long time, I'll still get jealous because that guy could still be me... if only things were different."
I looked down and let the tears flow down.
"Maybe it will be the other way around." I said silently.
Luke shook his head. "I highly doubt that."
I looked up at him. At his eyes, his hair, his nose, his lips, all his imperfections that I don't really care about. I remember the way he always jokes around, and the sound of his laugh, and the way he says my name. Everything about him. "I will really miss you."
Luke just smiled sadly.
"And I'll miss being able to do this." I said.
I leaned in one more time and planted a firm kiss on his lips. Soft, sweet, and short. I pulled away shortly, and rested my forehead on his. Luke's eyes are still closed but he was crying.
Everytime I cry, he tells me how much he hates it. I haven't really given it much thought before. I thought it was just sweet. But seeing him like this, I suddenly understand why he always tries so hard to make me stop crying. It hurts to look at him like this.
"I love you, Sydny." Luke whispered.
I let a teardrop or two fall. "I love you, Luke."
"I guess even if I continue to ask you for second chances, you still won't give them, will you?" He laughed lightly, putting some distance between us so he could see me properly.
I bit my lip, and stayed quiet. Maybe not now... but someday.
Luke took a deep breath. "Right." He stood up from my bed and run his fingers through his hair again. "So, I guess we're done here..."
He's leaving, just like that.
"Take care of yourself, babe." Luke said. "At least, do it as your last favor for me..."
I nodded.
He looked at me like he was about to say something else, but he didn't. He started walking away. I heard my door close.
I hate this. Why do I have to deal with this right now? Why is my life so unfair? I fucking hate it. Why does it feel so wrong? Why did I have to fall in love so hopelessly for a guy who will hurt me? Worst of all, why can't I just leave his mistakes in the past if I want to have what we used to have again? It doesn't make sense right now. But I'm sure, someday it will. Right now, it will feel wrong because I still love Luke. But maybe someday when I look back to this moment, it will all feel right.
I looked helplessly at Mrs. Penguin at my bedside table. She was still wearing my necklace... Oh shit.
I got up from my bed, and ran out of my room. Luke was just entering the elevator.
"Luke, wait!" I called out to him.
"Sydny?" He has a hopeful look in his eyes that made me want to hate myself more that I already do.
The elevator doors were closing, and I slipped myself in just before it was fully closed.
"You did not just realize you want to get back together with me, did you?" Luke said mockingky, but I could tell that he was hoping.
"No." I said, and bit my tongue immediately.
Luke looked down and, oh my God, what have I done to this boy?
"I just want to give this back to you." I said, handing him the necklace.
Luke frowned at me, he tried handing me back the necklace but I take my hands away. "What? No. This is yours."
"I feel wrong having it." I said. "I don't need a constant reminder of... you know. This."
Luke's expression was grave and I wish I could just stop talking right now. "Right." He said.
We were already on the ground floor and the elevator doors are going to open soon. I did the quickest thing I could do.
I threw my arms around Luke and buried his face around my neck. He wrapped his arms around my waist. It's still a perfect fit, of course. But not everything perfect ends up nicely.
We just stayed like that until the elevator doors opened. Luke and I parted awkwardly. He looked at me, his eyes are filled with tears. He said nothing and walked away immediately.
The elevator doors closed and I'm left alone with my thoughts. I think I just went through my breakup all over again. I can't think of anything good. I feel like the whole universe is laughing at me right now.
When I was back at my flat, I pulled out my phone to text Melissa and Andy. But there were three messages from Luke. It was sent two hours ago, more or less. Before he came here.
Luke: Hey Syd.
Luke: i'm running late. Sorry. Im on my way.
Luke: cant wait to see you tho :-)))
I closed my eyes and let the tears fall again. I'm such a horrible person. Why?
Guess it's another round of crying-myself-to-sleep nights for me.