[part three to the kai-hallucinates-the-shit-out-of-cole duology (now a trilogy). theres a lot to explore...
oh i should probably also let you know that i recently talked with a friend about hotwireshipping and i guess it has some influence on me now lol, vive la multishipping!]
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A hand intertwined its fingers with his. He felt like he just had the worst sleep ever.
“I'm here, Kai, it's okay now.” He knew to whom that comforting voice belonged he just couldn't tell if it belonged to his Cole or his Cole.
“I'm here.”
And he cried because he couldn't see in his eyes what he should see.
.
Days passed and turned into weeks. Cole and Pixal barely left his side, usually switching so the other could get some rest. However, Cole was more adamant about staying with Kai and resulted to sleep in the worst positions just so he can be there for every breath Kai takes and for every single shift of his body.
The others kept coming to check up on him, bringing him something to eat, to drink, or some recap of what was going on outside the med bay.
And when they were alone, Cole told him everything. About how Pixal figured he wasn't taking the medication and he didn't drink as she advised him, how they spent hours together in the lab to figure out how to help him, how Cole began putting the meds in his food. He didn't have to tell Kai he regretted that the most, he could see it in his eyes. Cole was often quick to beat himself up over every hiccup, every mistake and now he was blaming himself for lying to Kai and almost causing him to die.
Apparently, whatever he inhaled and got stuck in his lungs had strong will to stay there and finish whatever it started. So when the medication worked how it should and the black substance was in danger of dissolving, it turned lethal. Some sort of a self-destruct mode.
Now it was supposed to be gone, out of his system, and Kai should be free. But he certainly didn't feel like so.
However, he did dare to open up. Mostly to Pixal but he was aware she told Cole what she deemed important. It was better this way because he couldn't look into Cole's eyes and admit that he fell for a hallucination of him because he was already head over heels for him.
He didn't say anything about the others.
To them it must've seem that the substance took advance of his feelings towards Cole and tried to twist them. And despite being free of its chains, Kai still heard the words it seeped into his mind. There was no doubt they were his. He felt all those things it said so many times he just always avoided it, ignored it. Deep, deep down there was a locked chamber and inside it was the beaten up version of him that felt like a burden. He locked it there and pretended everything was fine because it was easy.
At least he thought so.
And now, whatever it was, it unlocked the door, and all his failures came crawling back up and time was running out. He knew he was close to breaking. Something he managed to avoid for years was now at risk of destroying everything.
Kai was afraid when the day will come. When everything will get spilled and he will have to face everyone once they hear what he himself pretended wasn't there.
Still, he couldn't stop wondering what was going to happen to him. Was it going to get him killed? Was the fake Cole trying to lead him across the river? Or was it something else? Who was the family? Who was he going to meet?
Perhaps it was a siren's calling. Something in his gut told him that they wanted to get him in their grasp. After all, they didn't catch all of them, did they? They were overpowered and then had to take care of Kai.
Just another thing to add onto the pile.
After a while he was good to get back on track. Back to the routine, back to the training grounds. And Kai worked on himself even more intensely than usual. Not only because he lost some time lollygagging in the infirmary, but also because he was determined not to let anything similar happen. He wasn't going to let anything get past his defences anymore. And that included getting rid of his feelings for Cole. It was a vulnerability. His family was a vulnerability. But he wasn't going to cut them off. He just had to see Cole as his friend again. Only as a friend. That means no daydreaming, no dreaming, no fantasies, no secret hopes, no excessive time spent together. None of that. He had to free himself of the chains.
And it was the hardest thing to do.
Cole, of course, didn't fail to notice his distance and he assumed it just had to do something with the fact that the hallucination took his looks. But he was persistent to restore their relationship. It broke Kai's heart over and over as he constantly turned him down.
Sometimes he watched him from afar, from behind a corner when he was playing videogames with Jay. He stood behind the door to his room at night, wondering if Cole knew he was there, if he also placed his hand against it. He hid in the shadows and listened to his conversations with Pixal. It was an invasion of privacy but he couldn't help himself.
And then he was beating himself up over it behind the locked door to his own room because that's not what he was supposed to be doing! He was supposed to let him go! Let go of the balloon, let it fly into the sky on its own! It was for both of their goods!
All the memories he had were fake. Paintings that looked almost real but you still knew they weren't the real thing. At least art was beautiful. This was a nightmare. A never ending nightmare that made him a haunted house. An empty haunted house. Fake Cole stormed in like a tornado and took everything nice, unlocked all the hidden cupboards and turned everything upside down. Now he could only sit in the middle of it all and mourn.
Kai hated feeling like this. He wanted to be back to his usual self. The confident, fun and flirtatious self. The one everyone knew, the one he put on a pedestal, into the spotlight. But that mask was lost in all the mess, stuck underneath the rubble and he wasn't strong enough to pull it out and bring it back into action.
Cole is strong.
That's where Kai cut himself off. Every time the earth ninja got back on his mind he went outside and trained. It was getting exhausting but perhaps once the mind realises the cause of all the pain, it will help him let go.
“You missed dinner again.” But every time he felt his fingers loosen, every time the string was beginning to slip, Cole came back and helped him hold on. Unknowingly, but he did.
Kai sighed, slouching his shoulders. Turning away from the poor dummy, he faced Cole, who stood on the porch, a bowl in his hands. The soft light caressed him, as if everything, even the inanimate things knew how precious he was. Steam slowly made it's way up until it was unseen again. There was a strong sense of familiarity and Kai didn't want to go back in time in his thoughts.
“I get it, Kai. I understand why you train so much, I do that too but you need to take a break sometimes. You're almost always here.”
They sat next to each other on the steps and Kai munched on the noodles from the soup as if he hasn't eaten in days. For all he knew it may be true. His side was pressed against Cole's and there was a war conflict worsening in his head.
It feels nice.
You have to let go.
I don't want to be alone.
You have others. You have him. Just let go.
What if I don't want to?
It makes you weak.
But wouldn't that make us stronger?
At times, Kai was afraid it wasn't all really gone. He was afraid that he will never be able to tell what is real and what is fake. Were these his own thoughts? Were they seeds false Cole left there to sprout? Was he really hiding all of this or were they never his in the first place?
“I can't help it. It's the only thing that works.”
“But have you actually tried anything else?”
Kai put his head on Cole's shoulder. It wasn't cold. He could never be cold (as long as people like Aspheera didn't cross his way) but he sure felt like it.
“Are you also sometimes sick of all of this?”
“What do you mean?”
“Our job. Our life. No matter what we do to keep Ninjago safe, something new always comes up. Something new always fucks shit up. Always. It never ends. It's a constant cycle.”
“But doesn't that make the good things worth it in the end?” They make eye contact as the sun dims the scene.
“But does the good outweigh the bad?”
“I never said it outweighs it, I just said it feels better.”
“But the bad shit is still there, even during the good parts.”
“This is a conversation Wu or Zane would handle better. I just want to show you the optimistic side.” And lock and bury the pessimistic one deep down where nothing and no one can reach it. Cole would never admit that out loud but Kai knew it was there. They were all the same.
He put an arm around his shoulders, pressing Kai closer to himself, gently rocking them both. It was comfort for two. “There are two types of people,” he said, staring at the gate in front of them. “Those who let the things that happen affect them and those who focus on what they want. Not that any of them is a better option, they're both pretty much the same, but your own perspective can change that. I choose to focus on the better things. Whenever there's a storm, the sun always comes to shine, be it long or a short while. I want to believe the good things will always be there, waiting for us.”
“You were always so convinced things will get better…”
“I still am.”
Kai looked back up at him. “Would you say things are better now?”
And Cole looks down into the ambers that are finding their light again. “Yes. Yes, I would. As long as you're by my side, things are good.”
Eventually, the darkness and time drove them out of the porch and back into their rooms, to their beds that were waiting for them. After leaving the bowl in the sink and deciding he'll wash it in the morning, Kai goes to lie down and he falls asleep wishing he didn't have to leave the embrace. How come the master of fire always felt the warmest in Cole's arms? Under Cole's gaze?
He didn't get to stay in sleep's arms for long, just how he didn't get to stay in those of Cole's. Sometime in the night, when everything should be silent and let them rest, the alarms screeched through the monastery, awakening every single one of the inhabitants. Kai groaned and let himself fall out of the bed. It was too late to do or go anywhere, he was too tired to spring into action. Always in the middle of night with them. As if evil couldn't wait for the sun to rise. Let Luna glow for the lovers, not to hide your illegal endeavours!
They all came to the same place and they all listened to what they needed to know. And the moment Kai learned who was the cause of their lack of sleep, he froze and internally cursed them even more for disrupting the romantic poets write about.
The streets of Ninjago City were once again restless. Lamps lit up the dance floor and the contestants were free to do their thing: steel clashed against steel, it scraped the pavements. Fists hit or missed opponents' bodies along with legs. Grunts and panting filled the air that once was tranquil. Shadows copied its masters.
Kai shut off his mind. He forced himself to stop thinking about who they were. Just fight like you always do, just do what you train – what you trained for days, for hours on end.
And it worked! He fought like he always did. It almost felt freeing. He didn't worry about who he's fighting, all he needed to know was that they were the bad guys and he had to stop them. As if some weight got finally lifted off his shoulders, he felt he was back to his element, dropping quips here and there. And Cole smiled at him when he got the chance. Maybe all he needed was a little adrenaline rush.
“Ah, look what we have here!”
Look at you.
The memory creeped back into his mind just like a spider. He had no idea it was still there until it got into his field of view. As he gasped and lost his concentration, the person used it to their advance and kicked his side, making him fall to the ground. When did they get so far away from the rest? He must've missed what they were doing in the heat of the moment.
Reckless.
And now it was just the two of them and the rest of his team was fighting behind the corner. The light barely got here, where he was laying on the ground.
“The master of fire. How have you been?”
He got up and turned to face his opponent, getting his both katanas ready. Getting himself ready.
“We got you good the last time, didn't we? It's nice to see you standing here so fully recovered!”
Through the hood and the darkness enveloping them, Kai couldn't see their face. And something within him whispered urgently, Maybe it's on purpose. Maybe it's not just to hide their identities from the law. Maybe they're trying to revive Cole in his eyes!
But his brain was too panicked to listen to the voice of reason. He was back, they were back. Cole was back. Or he will be. He was there somewhere. Maybe he wasn't a hallucination after all? What if all of it was real?
Due to all this, his stance faltered. At least he was unable to see the pleased smirk.
“What's the matter? You don't want to fight me? Curious.”
A deep, shaky breath.
He talks just how that Cole did. How come?
“I'll start.” There was a clink of metal as they drew their own swords. And for a moment – that short moment that must've been a second at maximum but felt like much more to Kai – he thought this was it. He was just going to get hit and lose just because he was still shaken up from what happened. He saw them fly towards him. Closer and closer but in strange slow motion.
And there were more clinks as he blocked the attack with his katanas. They began the dance he knew so well his body was moving on his own while his brain was in a state of panic and tried to find any possible solution for his situation.
There were none. Of course there wasn't anything. He just had to get this over with, forget about this whole ordeal once it's done.
“How's Earth, by the way?”
One of the katanas almost slipped out of his hand.
“Come on, talk to me! Give me some of that fiery charm!”
Focus, Kai, focus. For once just focus.
“This is just sad.”
They dodged him and Kai was met with the pavement once again. His chest hurt as it hit the ground. He sharply inhaled and tried to crawl for the weapons he dropped.
“You're way easier to break than I thought, fire ninja,” sounded from behind him and he had to contain the sob crawling up his throat.
He wasn't. He wasn't.
“Pathetic. You know, I'm not surprised to have heard all those thoughts of yours. Perhaps they do have a point, I see it so clearly now. You would've been better if you just followed us.”
His fingers brushed against the handle. Steel hit the concrete.
“Look at you. You're all alone. Just like you were before. Not strong enough to fight for yourself and definitely not strong enough to fight for your family.”
“How do you know about my thoughts?” Kai asked, frozen in his spot as he lay there, his eyes burning into the blade of his katana tha had barely any light to reflect.
“You sure do talk to yourself a lot. As if you were speaking to someone, hm?” Kai frowned. “Tell me, do you miss him? I mean, I could bring him back but… you're not worth it anymore. Maybe we'll try getting Earth next. Or the water girl? What's more there of you left to break anyway? You were such an easy target it just further proves what a disappointment you are, Fire.”
He gripped the handle tightly, his knuckles turned white. The shaking slowly evened out.
“So fragile… you took all the fun out of it. I'm surprised you came. But since you were so nice I'll tell you our plan. It consists of you staying al–”
Like a tagger's spray, blood splashed across the wall. Not that anyone could see it in the dark. But some of it dropped on Kai's face, that's how he was able to tell that he did make damage. That, and their scream of pain. It almost made Kai feel good but he quickly swept that though off.
Not waiting for their next move, he kicked their abdomen once he was standing back on his feet. They staggered back, clutching their face, swords left abandoned between them on the ground. They will never decay properly there, at least not for ages, but there was something that could.
Kai kicked them again, sending them to the ground. Roles reversed. One of his knees dug into their spine, making them wheeze out a pained laugh. His hand clutched their head that was laying on one side, pushing it into the ground. His own face was right next to them, his hot breath mixing with their laugh that seemed to never come to an end despite everything that was happening. He felt the rage burn him from inside, fire wanting to spill out.
Spread your wings, light everything up.
His emotions were completely out of control but it didn't matter, it was their fault anyway.
He felt them kick their legs, as if that would change anything. Futile. Powerless.
And yet they still laughed.
“You're so simple, so primitive,” they panted under his pressure. It must've been difficult to breathe. Good. He put more power to his knee which made them squirm in process. “You get so easily controlled by your emotions, what a vulnerability! We could've freed you of it all, we could've made it go away. Could've made you numb. Your loss. Now they're destined to be doomed by you one day. And when that day comes, I will enjoy every second of it. Soak it up like the ground soaks up the rain.”
“You will be dead way before that ever happens,” Kai said through gritted teeth. He could feel himself burn up as he pushed harder on their head. There was something holding him back, he just couldn't tell what it was.
“Then do it! Kill me! Kill all of us! It's all pointless, it's all futile anyway! We may be gone but it will never go away! You can never run away, Kai. Those were all your thoughts, we just turned them a little in our direction. You're your own enemy, will you kill yourself too?”
He wanted to scream. Maybe that's what he did.
“Kai?”
How they kicked him off, he didn't know, all he knew was that he was sent flying the moment his grip faltered. Instead of the hard ground, it were Cole's arms that caught him.
“Catch them! Catch them!” He almost cried in desperation.
“We're on it!” Jay announced, running after the shadow along with Lloyd since they were the fastest of them all.
He shook as Cole held him close to his chest (which he burned). The warmth let his muscles ease and Kai found himself losing the strength. All he could do was let Cole hold him because he was too weak to hold himself.
“Did they hurt you?”
“No.”
Well, they did. Except it was all only in his head. Forever and ever and ever.
Destined to run, never look back, never catch his breath or else it will hunt him down.