That night, like so many nights before in my life, I found I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned in a futile attempt to comfort myself, alone in the cold room. I thought that, perhaps, a part of my restlessness was the fear that I would be plagued with nightmares and the goddess would have to step in once again.
I didn't want that.
I got out of bed and quickly dressed myself, lighting a lamp and walking down the dark hall. It reminded me greatly of all of the times I had wandered down these halls in my youth. When I was in front of the door to the room Ayla was sleeping in, I paused before gently knocking.
"Yes?" She called from within the room.
I quietly opened the door. She seemed surprised to see me standing there.
"Oh, Judith." She said.
It was late, but it seemed she was still awake. The lamps in her room were still lit, burning a soft orange against the cold gray stone. She didn't seem to be doing much. Perhaps she could not sleep either.
"Ayla, can I ask something of you?" I said. "It's a bit embarrassing."
I was trying to fight the embarrassment that I was sure was creeping up in my cheeks. I felt stupid, a bit like a lost child looking for the comfort of an adult.
"Oh, uh sure." She said, "what is it?"
"Could I sleep with you?"
She seemed taken aback by my request, and I worried that she thought my distance from her as of late was because of something she had done and not my own personal turmoil. If I had hurt her feelings in some way, I had not meant to.
"Erm, sure. I guess I can do that." She said, "I'm just— you know, not sure how it's going to work."
"Oh, don't worry. I'll wear my gloves so you don't get burned."
"Oh, uhm, thanks. But—"
"I should probably leave all of my clothes on as well, but it will be quite warm. It is nearly summer, after all."
"Yes, wait, but—" She frowned and shook her head, seemingly lost for words.
"Are you worried there won't be enough room?" I said, I glanced over her shoulder at the bed. It was a bit small. "Because I was a bit worried about that as well. I don't want to inconvenience you or anything."
She blanched, wide eyed.
"...Enough... enough room?"
"I can sleep on the floor as well. I don't mind it. I just want to be able to get more rest than I have been lately. If I am not alone, I think it may help."
"Oh. Oh!" She seemed relieved for some reason. "Of course. I don't mind at all."
"Oh, okay." I said.
I stepped the rest of the way into the room and gently closed the door behind myself.
Behind her, I could see on the floor where the child was asleep in a great mass of blankets and quilts, breathing softly.
"I didn't make her sleep there." Ayla rushed to say. "She wouldn't go to sleep for ages, and that is where she finally passed out. I don't want to try and move her. I fear if I wake her she may never go to sleep again."
"I wouldn't think you would do that." I assured her.
She paused for a moment as I cut my lamp off and placed it on a small table. There was something almost wary about the way she regarded me.
"Judith... are you... alright?" She asked.
I climbed onto the bed and sat looking over at her.
"Absolutely not." I said. "But I will manage. I always do."
"Okay then."
It was silent for a while, but I didn't mind it. After some time, Ayla cut the light to the lamps in the room and I felt her come to lay beside me. It felt nice to not be alone, even if it was something like this.
I exhaled and grabbed her hand.
"I miss Greta."
She squeezed my hand gently at the sound of her name.
"I know." She said, "I do too."
I had no idea when Imanthi returned to the empty city. I only knew that it must have been while I was asleep, and that she must have continued working on through the night. I wandered into the convent kitchen to find that she had prepared a meal for me, and was already working on multiple batches of medicine.
She was tired and dirty, the edges of her clothes still stained with blood, her fingernails bearing evidence of all of the work she was doing. Anywhere we traveled that the Vlansovian army had been, she stopped to offer her assistance. Sometimes she returned back to the same village several days in a row. Her hair was tied back, but not neatly so like it usually was. I knew that there were a lot of people who needed her help. I knew she was doing as much as she could already.
I felt guilty for bothering her.
"Good morning." I said to her.
"Good morning." She replied, still focused on her work.
"You should have woken me." I said as I grabbed a plate of food and sat at the table. "I would have helped you."
"You need your rest." She said.
"You need yours as well."
"I manage." She said.
I had only known her for a fraction of her life, but she was always focused on other people. In fact, I felt like I hardly knew much about her at all. She didn't seem to enjoy talking about herself. It made it hard for me to tell her I wanted to ask her for something. She was already giving to much.
"Imanthi, could I ask you for something? I need your advice."
"You have the infinite and unknowable knowledge of a literal god at your disposal, and you're asking me for advice?" She said, one eyebrow arched in surprise.
"I know it sounds silly, but I trust your judgment more than anyone else." I said, "I want to know how you feel about what she has said to me."
"Alright. Let's hear it then."
I ate one more bite of food.
"The goddess wants me to go directly to the King of Vlansovia, and threaten him with vengeance if he does not agree to end the war and free the slaves."
She hardly looked up from the pot she was stirring.
"Alright."
I raised my eyebrows and leaned back in my chair, crossing my arms.
"Alright?"
"What are your issues with this? What faults do you see with it?"
I shook my head.
"I would dare to say almost everything. As if I, no one of great importance, strength, or ability could walk straight into Vlansovia, demand an audience with the king, and threaten him? I'll probably be killed before I even make it there. I don't even know what I am threatening him with exactly."
"You think you are no one?" She said, turning and looking directly at me for the first time. She pointed the wooden spoon at me and I flinched as if it were a weapon. "If that is the case, why did your goddess choose to make you, out of all of her other followers, a saint?"
My hands clenched into fists, and my eyes were cast down to the floor. I hated that I did not have a good answer for that. I had spent so many nights awake, wondering the same thing, only to come up with nothing.
"She chose the wrong person. I'm weak, and I'm small, and most days I can barely hold myself together. I have no outstanding skills or talents. I am no one."
"Why focus on things you lack? Everyone is just some person."
"Still..."
"Consider this; If you offer a man a bowl of gold and a bowl of water, in good times he will always take the gold, but during a drought, he knows which of these has true value."
"Then perhaps I am just an empty bowl." I said.
She turned back to her work.
"You have to have something to get the water from the spring."
"So you have no opinion on the matter?"
"I have already given it to you." She said, "If that's what she wants, I believe you can accomplish it."
"What about the Alexandrian King?" I said, "We are supposed to meet with the others."
"We will stop by on our way to Vlansovia." She said simply.
"Is it really that simple?" I asked.
"We will make it that simple." She replied. "Oh, and Judith?"
"Yes?"
"I have a favor to ask of you as well. Could you run somewhere in town and fetch me another jug of water? I need just a bit more to finish up and we can take our leave from here."
I tried to give her a smile.
"Of course. I don't mind at all."
It was the least I could do for her, after all.
I grabbed a jug from a cupboard and traveled down to an old, mossy well in a wooded area. It was easy to find, as I had traveled there many times in my life. I remembered walking here with Patrice and feeling somewhat happy with my life. The structure. The simplicity. The rules.
The times it agreed with me were great, but the times it did not were terrible.
At least I didn't not feel worthless and lost. At least I felt as if I had meaning, a purpose, and a place. Even if I was cutting off pieces of myself to fit, I fit. That was all that had mattered to me. I was good at following rules and I was strong in my convictions.
Maybe, in a way, I was still strong in them.
As I pulled up water from the well, I noticed that the sky, which had already been dark since daybreak, was growing darker still. Clouds that were gloomy were growing angrier, and the wind started to pick up as well, tossing the trees around in a way that grew more violent by the moment.
Rain started to fall as I pulled the last bucket of water up. I quickly sealed the jug, preparing to return back drenched and tired before it was even noon.
But something happened that I had not prepared myself for.
I stood and turned to leave, when I noticed across the field there was another person. Air left my lungs.
No, not a person.
A ghost.