"There is nothing so rewarding as to make people realize that they are worthwhile in this world." Bob Anderson
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XXXIX.
Joe did not sleep. How could he when the cries and sobs of the gentlemen in such proximity to him did not let up for the entire night? Though, Joe could not blame them. He would have cried as well had he any tears left to shed.
His only and constant thought as the night went on had been Perrie. It was as though he had dared to hope, and what a place for a dream to manifest. Joe leaned his head against those bars and thought of her, thought of every inch of her.
How he had loathed her, and yet now he could not imagine wanting a single hair on her beautiful, maddening head to ever change. All Joe wanted was Perrie. She was his sole desire. If he was ever granted one wish, it would be to endeavour to be good enough to deserve Perrie Beresford.
Joe had never allowed himself these thoughts before, and now that they were suddenly appearing in his head, and he was not pushing them out, Joe could feel the desperation and horrid fear rising.
Just a smile would be enough. He wanted to see the look upon her face just one more time as he called her a 'little imp'. If he had to go to the hangman's noose, then let God grant him his dying wish.
But how he did not want to die.
The cries surrounding him were of men who shared the same desperate wish.
As Joe allowed this fear to envelope him, he realised just how complacent he must have felt about death before. Perhaps he had not wanted to die explicitly, but he had not put much value in the gains his existence brought to others.
Joe had so much to say. He wanted to tell Perrie everything. He wanted to explain every horrible thing that he had ever said to her. He wanted to bare his soul to her, for her to see everything, and then he wanted her to choose him anyway.
Sunlight began to creep in through the small window of the cell and morning came. Outside, Joe could hear the faint hum of the city awakening.
"They'll get the magistrate now," murmured one of the men fearfully. "Charge us. Beat us. Hang us. Sentence us to hard labour. Transportation. Anything."
One of the men then cried out for his mother. Another pushed Joe out of the way from the cell door as he shook the bars violently. "Let me out!" he shouted. "You've made a mistake! You've got the wrong idea!"
"Quiet!" barked an angry, impatient voice from out of sight. The authority in him was evident and assumed him to be one of the Bow Street Runners who arrested them. Joe heard the sound of heavy boots stomping down the cold, stone walkway. He appeared soon after, and revealed himself to be a gruff, burly, angry looking fellow with a portly frame and a thick, greying moustache. His eyes were disgusted with what he saw, and the pale hue of them distinctly reminded Joe of his father's eyes. "Which one of you is Joseph Parish?" he sneered.
Joe's eyes widened. Was he first to face the magistrate? Was he the first one of the men to be charged? How had they learned his name? Joe had not given it to them. They had been far too preoccupied with beating the patrons of that molly house and arresting as many of them as they could that they had not bothered to collect their names the night before.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the other men in the cell shuffle back as far as they could, leaving Joe at the forefront of the cell.
The runner's disapproving glare fell upon Joe, and he arched a bush brow. "Joseph Parish?" he assumed.
Joe swallowed. Loudly. "Y-yes, sir," he confirmed.
The runner produced a large, iron key from the waistband of his belt and shoved it into the padlock on the cell. "It appears there's been some mistaken identity, Mr Parish," he snickered facetiously as the padlock clicked open and he opened the cell door, the rusty hinges squealing in protest.
Joe stared at the man, dumbfounded, and it took being barked at again to move for him to snap out of his shocked trance. Joe stumbled forward, tripping over his own feet as he made his way out of the cell. "What about them?" he managed to ask just as the runner shut the cell door behind him and clicked the padlock back into place.
"They don't have the sorts of friends in high places as you do, it seems," the runner replied gruffly as he seized Joe by the arm tightly and began to drag him away.
Joe heard the cries behind him of the men that he had left in that cell, and as he was pulled, he heard the cries of others, the jeers towards the lawman, the spitting, and the cursing, of those who were also awaiting their fates in neighbouring cells. The guilt would have been an easy thing to allow into his mind, but Joe told himself he could not take on their burdens. He could feel for them, as that made him human. Joe knew that he would need to repeatedly remind himself of this.
Once he had been taken away from the hall of cells, Joe was brought into a large, rectangular office. A hearth dominated the far wall, and though it was unlit, the wall, floor, and furniture around it were all blackened by ash and soot.
Disorganised desks littered the floor space, and runners were scattered about reading books or writing in diaries. But they all stopped what they were doing when Joe entered the room, and they all looked upon him with disgust, as they presumed to know what he had done.
Though he did not want to die, and though he had done this to atone for the sins he thought that he had committed, Joe was so glad that it was him who bore these eyes of disdain. He did not want Ed to have had to witness this.
But there was one in the room who did not share the disgust of the runners. He stood by a window with his hands behind his back, his eyes tired from a lack of sleep, and his brow furrowed with worry. But as he looked upon Joe, such a sense of relief spread across his face, as though seeing Joe was some sort of cure for his torment, and that he was some sort of good in this man's life.
"Come here, my boy," Adam beckoned, his arms opening.
The runner released Joe's arm, and he practically flew towards Adam, throwing his arms around him, and allowing the duke to do the same. Adam held Joe tightly, tighter than he had ever been held before.
It made Joe wonder if it was the sort of embrace that could only be given by a parent to their child. Only fathers, perhaps, could hug like this. But this thought did not make Joe yearn. He did not think of his own father. The man did not even enter his mind at that time. He thought only of Adam, and how grateful he was to be called 'my boy' by a man such as him.
"I thank you for your understanding of this honest mistake," Adam said over the shoulder of Joe, before he gently released him, still keeping a guiding hand on his back.
"Funny thing, that mistaken identity," murmured to runner in reply, before he waved them off, and turned his back on them.
Adam wasted no time in directing Joe to the door, and they walked swiftly out into the morning sunshine. Once they were outside, Adam seized Joe once again in a tight hug. This time it surprised Joe, as there was an element of desperation in the duke's actions.
"You had me worried sick!" Adam cried in his ear, before he pulled away, only to cup Joe's face and inspect him. His eyes were disapproving as he looked over Joe's face, and Adam's thumb brushed over a spot underneath his eye that Joe had not released was sore and sensitive.
Joe flinched.
"Barbarians," Adam hissed.
Joe must have looked dreadful. "How did you get me out?"
"I spoke a language that they understood," Adam replied as he still looked over every inch of Joe's face. "I convinced them that they had the wrong man."
Joe was clever enough to understand that the language Adam spoke was rooted in gold. He hated to think what his freedom had cost the duke. It was a thought that once again could have crippled him with guilt, but in looking upon the worry, concern, and care on Adam's face, Joe could see that his freedom and safety meant more to the duke than any sum of money.
And that was something quite incredible to fathom.
Adam then guided Joe towards his waiting carriage, a fine contraption that looked very out of place in this part of London. They climbed inside, and Adam knocked on the roof to signal the driver to start moving.
Joe sat facing Adam, which was a position that he had spent many months in when working with the duke in his study. But this moment felt different entirely.
Joe had freed himself, or at least he had tried to free himself from the demons who caged him. He had given himself permission to live, and to want, and to desire. And with that, Joe knew, would come crippling guilt, and the feeling as though he was an imposter. The dragons would come. They had never left, really.
And Joe needed to be able to ask for help.
He now knows the truth about you.
He bought your freedom to spare his family name.
He will never let you marry Perrie now.
He knows you are not good enough for his daughter.
You won't ever see Perrie again.
The dragons had certainly never left. In fact, they roared their flames over his fragile will and Joe felt himself shrink back into the cushioned seat.
"I understand the decision you made last night, to a certain extent," Adam murmured, pulling Joe out from the depths of his crippling fear. Adam's voice was soft, tender, and understanding. "I have a brother, also. You have met him. There was a time when Jack was quite listless and lost, and I felt powerless to help him. I would have done anything to spare him the wretched pain he was going through.
"The bond I have witnessed between yourself and Ed is quite unlike any other sibling relationship I have ever encountered. I cannot quite tell you how deeply I admire and respect the devotion you have for each other. I have often wondered if you ever bicker like my children do. But then I remind myself that the cause of this bond that you share is rooted in need. You needed one another, because you had no one else.
"I am ashamed of your father. I am disgusted by him. I know explicitly what a divine privilege it is to be a father, and it is a responsibility that yours has so deeply abused.
"I am sorry that you and your brother have needed to rely so heavily on one another, but let it be the blessing that you take with you as you move on with your life.
"But I do not think that the love you have for your brother is the sole reason for why you gave yourself up last night, is it?"
He now knows the truth about you.
That one shot of anxiety, that one troubling thought, erased all the feeling of comfort that Adam had just brought him when describing his admiration.
Joe took a deep breath as he told himself that the man sitting before him was a forgiving soul. Adam forgave, and he did not hate. Joe only needed to look into Adam's eyes to see that the duke wanted to understand. He was not there to reprimand or punish.
"I thought it would be my penance," Joe managed to say in an entirely broken way. "I wanted to make up for ... for ruining everything that I touch. I wanted to atone for hurting everyone."
Adam nodded slowly. Judgement never crossed his eyes, nor did pity. "What strong shoulders you must have to carry the weight of this burden, my boy," he commented quietly. "Can I let you in on something that you might or might not have twigged onto already?"
Joe managed a shaky nod.
"The surest way to hurt everyone you know is to leave them," Adam stated plainly, almost bluntly, as he looked directly at Joe in such a way that he felt as though he could not look away. "But you have been leaving the people who love you for a very long time, have you not?"
Joe furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"One of the first things that I ever noticed about you was that you keep anyone who might have any sort of inclination to care for you at arm's length. From the vicar who taught you letters and numbers, to my own tempestuous daughter.
"You leave people, before they can leave you. You hurt people, before they can hurt you. And though you may be physically present, you have built such a wall around yourself that nobody can truly reach you, not even the young woman you have loved since you were a boy."
He will never let you marry Perrie now.
He knows you are not good enough for his daughter.
You won't ever see Perrie again.
Joe was frozen, paralysed, as his fears rang in his mind as loud as a church bell. This wall that the duke described might as well have been transparent, as Joe was bare for all to see.
Adam's face softened. "Breathe, Joe," he ordered gently, watching as Joe inhaled a shaky breath. "You want to atone, but atonement is not what you need to do. Your sins are not your own, and so you are not the one who needs to ask forgiveness. It is not atonement that you seek, but change. Am I right in saying that?"
Was it change? All Joe knew was that he did not want to live in this vicious cycle of self-hatred any longer. He had thought that atoning for his sins would help to alleviate his guilt.
"How can hurting people not be my own sin?" Joe asked him fragilely. Though he did not want to give the duke any further reason to prevent him from seeing Perrie again, Joe knew that he needed to be honest. "I hurt Perrie because I was jealous of her. I hated her for what she had, a family and love, you, and I punished her for it. I made her miserable! I make her miserable!"
"You're trying to leave Perrie before she can leave you, Joe." Adam, again, spoke bluntly, reading right through whatever excuses Joe's anxiety could offer up.
Joe could not understand the words that had fallen out of his mouth. Adam was right, and he did not want that to happen! He loved Perrie. He wanted to be good enough for her. He wanted to be the one to explain everything to her. He wanted Perrie to choose him.
Why was it his instinct to push people away, even when he did not want them to leave?
"Believe you me, my daughter is not going to be the one to leave. She has the stubbornness of a dozen oxen. If you wish to leave, then you will have to be the one to do it."
"But I don't want to leave," Joe whispered.
"Then don't," replied Adam simply.
Joe leaned forward, leaning his elbows on his knees and resting his forehead in his hands.
"I gave you a chance because I pitied your situation, Joe," Adam said tenderly as Joe stared at the floor. "But I made you a part of my family because you deserved one. You did not need to earn it. Family is never a transaction. And if you are in my family, you are certainly never left behind, or left to suffer alone.
"Perrie will never leave you behind, and she certainly will not allow you to suffer alone. Has she not proven this? She might put me into an early grave with her recklessness at times, but she is a shining example of who I brought her up to be.
"I have watched the two of you for years pretending to hate one another. Perhaps you did from time to time," Adam allowed with a quiet chuckle, "but the line between love and hate is rather grey, don't you think?"
He now knows the truth about you.
He knows you are not good enough for his daughter.
Joe clamped his eyes shut as he tried to block these thoughts, but he could not help but ask, "How can you look at me like this and still think that I deserve anything? Do you honestly think that someone like me is worth Perrie's time? Don't you want better for her?"
Joe heard Adam sigh. "Do you love Perrie?" he asked simply.
"That is not what I asked."
"But it is what I asked," countered Adam. "Look me in the eye and answer the question."
Joe obeyed the duke, taking a staggered breath before he lifted his head, letting his hands drop to his knees. "I love her so much I can hardly breathe."
A smile tugged at Adam's lips. "Then you deserve her, and I desire nothing more for her."
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Hope you enjoyed it, and that it was worth the wait! A big weekend!!
Now, I'm going to endeavour to get a chapter up next Friday night, a day early. It's the last week of term this week which means school holidays are here soon!! WAHOOO!! I'm going on holiday for the first week to a place I've never been! I'm so excited to be exploring another part of the beautiful place I call home. My boyfriend has said that he'd be fine with me writing while we're away, but that feels antisocial hahaha, so I'm going to make you wait a little bit sadly.
But please follow me on instagram for loads of shameful tourist pics coming soon!!
I wonder if Perrie's going to be receptive to Joe when he returns, or if she's going to beat him to death with his watch? Who am I kidding? We all know the answer to that one :P
Vote and comment xxx