BELLE
Maybe I should wear my hair up instead? It looks messy down. But up looks messier. Jesus Christ.
I have been standing in front of the mirror attached to my dresser for the past twenty minutes trying to figure out how to style my hair. It shouldn't even be that serious. I'm just going over to Theo's. Only I'm not just going over to Theo's
Everyone I used to be friends with as a kid will be there. I equally left all of them as I left Theo. It just hurt Theo more because... well, he was my Theo. I know they probably all were there for him and whatnot. So they probably all hate me now. Which is most likely why I'm stressing out so much.
I settle on wearing my hair down, no use in applying any effort. I put on a pair of wide leg jeans and a tight long sleeve crop top before heading downstairs. My mom and dad are cuddled on the couch watching one of those crime shows that seem almost too realistic. Bep is in one of the reclining chairs, stoic as ever, watching with them. I chuckle to myself seeing him there.
My mom turns her attention to me, and smiles at me. "You look lovely. Are you heading over to Theodore's?"
I nod my head. "Hopefully I don't get assassinated when I walk in there."
My dad rolls his eyes. "Don't be dramatic, hun. You're all just a bunch of teenagers. If you get uncomfortable, you're just across the lawn."
"No leaving that house, Miss Graves," Bep orders me.
"You can call me Anabelle, Bep," I assure him and he nods. "I don't plan on leaving."
"Don't let them spread news that you're here either. I don't want a call from Haley. Or another visit. I'm sure you don't either," he tells me.
"Okay," I nod. I tell my parents goodbye and start heading over to Theo's
Next thing I know, I'm knocking on his front door, my heart racing a million miles a minute. I remember when I would just barge in here, not even bothering with a knock. Or I would knock, but then barge in anyway. Theo's mom never minded anyway.
The door opens, and Gavin Freedman is standing there in front of me and his mouth drops open. Theo clearly didn't tell anyone that I was coming. He scans me from head to toe and I start to squirm a bit beneath his gaze.
Gavin was, and I would assume still is, one of Theo's best friends. He always used to tease me when we were younger, but not in a way that made me run away crying or anything. Just like most boys do when you're kids.
However, now he's looking at me like I'm a piece of meat and he's dying to jump on me at any given moment.
"Belle Graves?"
"Hi, Gavin," I say shyly with a small smile. "And it's Annabella. You can just call me Annabella. Belle is just a stage name."
He's still gawking at me from the doorway. "What the hell are you doing here?"
I cock and eyebrow and look at him. "As in the state or on Theodore's doorstep."
"Shit, I mean, both I guess."
I shrug. "Just needed a break from everything. Theo invited me here tonight. I hope that's okay."
"That's absolutely more than okay," he grins and leans against the doorway.
"Dear lord, Gavin," a girls voice travels from inside the house. "Theo wants to know what the-"
She stops when she sees me and turns ghostly white. Gianna Apolonia is standing next to Gavin and she looks...just as beautiful as she always has. Her long golden brown hair is tied up in a bun and she has no trace of makeup on her face. She tilts her head to look at me. "Annabella?"
I smile tightly. "Hi, Gianna."
"Well," she exasperated. "Isn't this a surprise!"
"A wonderful one," Gavin says and winks at me.
"Well, come in. Everyone's in the basement," she tells me.
Something about how comfortable Gianna is here makes me sick to my stomach. I used to be the only girl Theo ever really had over enough to feel any kind of comfort. Watching Gianna march through his house and down to the basement like she owns the place is pissing me off in more ways than one. I never liked her and that's clearly showing now that the resentment I had when we were kids is still lingering.
Immensely.
I step into the basement and the humming of music and everyone's voices drone around me. Someone laughs and then it stops immediately. Everyone looks at me and I practically freeze in my spot. Everyone looks the exact same. Mouth ope. Eyes wide. Complete shock. For the love of god, could he have told them I was coming over?
I lock eyes with Theo and he smiles a bit, but it drops quickly.
"You guys don't all have to stare at her like that, you know," Gavin says from behind me.
Summer, Blu and Anna are in the farther corner of the basement on one of the couches. They're the first ones to smile at me and toss me a few waves. I return politely, before rubbing my arm awkwardly. This was such a terrible idea.
"You look good," Blake says with no shame and Cramen smacks him on then head.
"Shut the hell up man," Carmen says and turns his attention to me. "It's good to have you back, Annabella."
Ryan agrees with him.
"So great," Gianna drawls and I smile tightly at her again. Shut up.
"Come on," Gavin says and grabs my hand, leading me over to where Theo is sitting on the other couch.
I sit in between them, my knee bouncing anxiously and looking around, trying to figure out why I'm even here anymore. No one likes me here. That's painfully obvious. Maybe Summer and the other girls don't care that deeply, but the guys clearly all have Theo's back. No matter what anyone will say to reassure me. Gianna especially hates me.
Theo's hand grabs my knee, causing me to look at him. He looks into my eyes deeply. "Calm down. It's okay."
I glare at him. "No one knew I was coming," I hiss. "What the hell am I even doing here, Theo?"
He rolls his eyes and takes a sip of his beer, sitting back. "I was trying to ease you back in."
"You are feeding me to sharks."
"Personally," Gavin pipes in, handing me a beer. I take it. "I'm happy to have you here."
"Cut your obsession, Gav," Theo demands and Gvain just laughs.
He leans into me and whispers in my ear, "He's just jealous."
I throw him a smile and he returns it to me. I crack open the beer and chug practically all of it. I hold my hand out to Gavin, requesting another one, and he happily hands one to me and I crack it open.
"So, Belle," Gianna says loudly, catching everyone's attention on me once again.
"It's Annabella," I correct her.
She laughs and I can hear the bitterness it's laced with. "Well, that's not what the internet says. Or your interviews. Or your singles and albums and-"
"She gets the point, G," Gavin sneers and she throws a dirty look at him before turning back to me.
"Anyway, Annabella, what brings you back here? Now? After what? Four years?" she asks. She's antagonizing me. Her smile is bitter and her face is twisted up into a bitchy knot. I wish Bailey was here. She would make this all better. Unfortunately, she's on a beach in Florida with her family for another week.
"I just wanted to be home," I say simply, not giving her anything more. I take another sip of my beer, feeling the buzz from the alcohol coming on.
"Well-"
"How was your tour?" Summer asks, interrupting whatever Gianna had to say to me next.
I indulge everyone in their questions about my life out in California, nothing getting too personal. A few of them, like Ryan recall times when they could clearly see that I was going to be a "star". How I always won the talent show or would hide away in the music room after school for hours. The small things that lead to me being "Belle Graves" and not Annabella Graveston.
Theo reassures me every now and then when he spots me getting too anxious by squeezing my knee or sending a small smile that way. This is so much better than him resenting me. So much better. Still not where I want to be at all.
"We should play truth or dare," Gianna announces with a huge grin on her smug face.
Everyone agrees and sits down on the floor in a circle. Blake starts.
"Truth or dare, Summer?" he gleams and she rolls her eyes at him.
"Dare," she tells him blankly and he grins.
"I dare you to kiss Gavin."
"Huh?" they both say in unison.
"No way," she says shaking her head. "Try again."
"You said dare, you do the dare," Blake urges her.
Summer looks at Gavin before rolling her eyes again. She moves over to Gavin and glares at him, but Gavin has that same boyish grin he always has.
"Don't enjoy yourself too much, darlin'," he tells her with a wink.
"Don't flatter yourself, Freedman," she murmurs and places a peck on Gavin's lips. Everyone erupts in a string of words telling her how half-assed it was, but she doesn't seem to care.
A few more people go, doing stupid things or kissing someone or spilling silly secrets that don't have much meaning to me because truth be told, I basically know no one here. Next thing everyone knows, it's Gianna's turn.
"Annabella," she snaps, grabbing my attention. If she pisses me off, I might just snap from the alcohol pouring through my system. "Truth or dare."
I glare at her unintentionally, sweeping my hair over my shoulders. "Truth."
"Are you still in love with Theo? You know, after you broke his heart years ago and now come back like everything is going to be sunshine and rainbows?" she asks me and my heart practically falls to my ass when she does.
My hands get clammy and I start feeling my body get really hot. Everyone is staring at me. I can feel Theo's eyes burning into the side of my head. I cannot look at him. no way in hell can I look at him right now. I stand up, without hesitation and practically run out of the basement.
I can hear Gianna laughing followed by Theo snapping at her saying she should just shut the hell up.
I run outside and right to the creek beside Theo's house. The one he took me to years ago. I sit down on the big boulder and I cry. I cry and I cry and I cry some more. I can't believe she sat there, in front of everyone, in front of Theo, and asked me that. She knows the answer to that. She just wants me to seem like I'm some kind of villain, which I am in most people's stories here.
I remember the first time I kissed Theo. Of course I do, it was like a dream come true or a scene out of a coming-of-age movie. However, I remember our almost first kiss even more. It was a few weeks before we actually kissed. It was summer and we were fifteen.
THREE YEARS AGO
"Do you think this top looks stupid on me," I asked him as I stared at myself in my mirror. I kept trying to adjust it because my boobs were so... boob-y. It was hard not to see them The shirt was not hiding it either. Bailey had bought it for me for my birthday and I was trying to see the good it in when I just looked like a whore.
"You look fine," Theo grumbled and I looked at him in the mirror. His focus solely on the book in his hands and nowhere near me.
"Theodore," I scolded and turned around and then he looked at me. Well he sort of did. He looked at my boobs at least.
His eyes went wide and I watched him swallow as he forced himself to look me in my eyes. I urged him to say something. "Oh, um, well."
"I look terrible, I knew it," I said dramatic and stormed off to my closet to switch it out for a t-shirt.
"Wait, Ellie, no," he said, grabbing my attention. I turned back around and folded my arms and when I did so, his eyes flicked to my chest again and I got all warm. Theo never looked at me like that. "You just look..."
"Look what?"
"You look good. Beautiful, actually," he told me and I could feel my whole body blushing. I was on fire when I did so.
"Shut up, Theo," I rolled my eyes.
"Come here," he told me and patted my bed for me to sit down next to him.
I walked over carefully and sat down next to him. He sat up and smiled at me. His hands brushed over my collarbone and pushed my hair over my shoulders. His eyes gazed into mine and I could feel the impending urge to just jump on him and kiss him all over. Everywhere and anywhere. His hands reached up and cupped the side of my face.
"You're beautiful, Annabella," he whispered to me. His thumb grazed my bottom lip and I closed my eyes and sighed.
"Theodore..." I breathed out.
"Ellie," he sighed back.
"Ellie Bell!" my mom called loud as ever from downstairs and I jumped back from Theo faster than I could comprehend. "Dinner!"
I was breathing heavily and holding my chest as it rose and fell. He looked at me from across the room, slightly defeated.
"We should eat," he said quietly before he got up and opened my door.
"Yeah," is all I said, and followed him downstairs.
---
Our actual kiss was a way better moment and much more memorable, but I still can't forget the "almosts" in our lives. It's hilarious to think we only ever kissed that one time too. By the way we act about our past, you would've thought we were engaged to be married or something.
The tears continue to fall on my face, even when I hear the sound of leaves crunching and sticks cracking beneath someone's feet.
"Thought I might find you here," Theo's voice carries from behind me. A few moments later he's sitting next to me on the rock.
"You should go back to your friends, Theodore," I tell him, wiping my tears off.
"My other friends aren't crying outside," he nudges his shoulder with mine.
I scoff and shake my head. "As if we're friends."
"We're trying to be, aren't we?" he questions and I look at him slightly and nod. "I used to sit with you when you cried. So if we're trying to be friends again, I'm going to sit here while you cry."
It's silent for a few moments.
"She shouldn't have asked you that," he tells me.
"I deserved it," I mumble.
"You're probably right," he says and I look at him gaping my mouth and he laughs. He looks so good when he laughs. It feels like a privilege to hear it.
"Meanie," I tell him and kick his foot. I sit and think for a moment before I continue. "Did you want to know the answer?"
"What?"
"Did you want to know the answer? To Gianna's question?"
"You're drunk, Annabella," he chuckles.
"Wouldn't that just make me more honest?"
"I think you'll regret it more."
"Pfft, nah," I say like it's no big deal and smile at him. "So? Do you?"
He thinks for a moment. "Sure."
I take a deep breath and look at the sky. "I have thought about you every single day for the past three and a half years. I wrote about you. Wrote songs about you. Wondered how you were doing. Regretted not keeping in touch. I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember."
When he's quiet for too long, I turn to look at him but he's already staring at me. He's searching my eyes and scanning my body and looking at me for something. His face has to be no more than a few inches from mine, not even. I see his eyes go from mine, to my lips, to my breasts and then back up to my lips again. His breathing is quick and ragged, and he's watching me so intently, I feel like I'm under a microscope.
He reaches out and pushes a lock of hair that's covering my face behind my ear and my eyes close instinctively at the touch. It sends shivers down my spine. I open my eyes again and trace the outline of his face. The way his jaw is so sharp makes him look so much older. And his eyes seem deeper now, more mature.
His hand hasn't moved from my face and I feel like I'm going to faint under his touch.
"Ellie..." he whispers and my heart skips at the name. He hasn't called me Ellie since...well since we were fifteen.
"Theodore..." I sigh and lean my face into his touch.
"What are you thinking about, Ellie Bell?" he asks quietly, stroking his thumb over my cheek, each time he does a chill runs through me.
"You," I answer without hesitation.
"What about me?"
"The way you're touching me right now."
"And how is that?" he wonders.
I look up at him through my lashes and he looks back. "You're asking a lot of questions."
He smirks and I see him move closer, just a little. "I have a lot of questions to ask, sweetheart."
I smile at him and look down when I laugh. His hand grabs a hold of my chin and lifts it gently to look up at him. i can see his eyes pleading for me. i wonder if he can see it in mine too.