WARNING : INCLUDES MATURE CONTENT
This OS is in continuation to Episode 24 of Yakeen ka safar. It starts off when Zubia has reached her hostel room, after seeing Asfandyar and Fariyal together at the Khan residence.
Zubia had just reached her hostel room and had almost fallen onto the bed after pulling the sea-green dupatta off her head and chucking it in one corner of the room. In anger? In frustration? Even she didn't know what to call it.
She was breathing heavy because she had walked, no, almost sprinted her way back to her hostel room, all the way from the Khan residence, which was about two kilometres away.
As she lay on the bed, with her heart beating as fast as ever, she had no choice but to sit with her feelings. This was something she had been avoiding for months now, but today, things had gotten out of hand for her. The feelings that she had been suppressing, avoiding, denying and desperately trying to get rid of for the past couple of months, had over-powered the facade of indifference that she had been trying to put up, and made their presence felt, without her consent.
She had finally come to terms with the fact that she was angry. That felt like a weird, unknown territory for her because she didn't allow herself to feel angry very often. Zubia believed that she, a girl who had made so many unforgivable mistakes in her life, had no right to feel angry at anyone else.
The last time she had felt angry was nine months ago, when Sheema bhabhi's cousin had falsely accused her of seducing him, and Rehaan bhai had believed him and called her 'beghairat' yet again, and eventually had kicked her out of the house in the middle of the night, without even hearing her out. The anger that she had felt that day was involuntary too, much like the anger that she had felt today.
"What about the situation today, made me so angry?" Zubia asked herself.
The sight of a smiling Asfandyar walking into the porch of his house with Fariyal by his side flashed before her eyes and a wave of rage hit her again as a lone tear escaped her right eye. This was exactly the same rage that she had experienced, when she had witnessed this same sight, in real time.
When she looked back at the way events had unfolded at the Khan residence a couple of hours back, she realised that Asfandyar had immediately taken note of the displeasure on her face and the unusual coldness in her voice. He had followed her to gate and asked her why she was leaving so early. He had also asked her if she was angry at him.
"Was my anger so obvious? So clearly visible on my face?", She thought to herself. She then remembered her adamant responses to his questions, and the confusion on his face.
"Main aapse kyun naaraaz hongi?" Her response to his question played out in her head.
"Naaraaz toh main hoon aapse.. Par iss kyun ka jawaab to mere paas bhi nahi hai, Dr. Asfandyar..
Since my very first day at the hospital, your validation and appreciation has mattered to me, more than anyone else's. Initially, your anger made me doubt my capabilities as a doctor and that didn't feel good, because becoming a skilled, well-equipped doctor has been my only aim in life for so many years now, because it seems like the only thing which can help me compensate for all the sins I've committed in my life so far. You have always been an inspiration to me on the professional front. But this.. this is your personal life... Ideally, I shouldn't have anything to do with it... Why does seeing Fariyal with you bother me to no end? Why does your care for me, make me happy?, Why does your indifference towards me, make me question my whole existence, all over again? "
Zubia thought to herself. All of these thoughts, these unanswered questions were becoming too overwhelming for her to process.
The answer to these questions was right in-front of her, but somehow, she couldn't reach it. Maybe because she didn't want to? Every time she moved closer to the answer, it seemed to move further away from her, almost like the answer that she was seeking was.. something forbidden?
She closed her eyes tight in frustration.
"Aaj aapne ek bahut bada kaam kiya hai, hospital ki facilities ke baghair, ek first aid kit ke saath, aapne doh zindagiyaan bachayi hai. I really appreciate your hard work!"
"Kabhi kabhi dil chaahta hai ke raasta khatam na ho."
"Kaise lagi hai yeh? Dikhaao"
"Jyaada negative baatein naa socha karein, Khush raha karein. Jo soch dil ko khushi dein, insaan ko voh zaroor sochni chahiye."
"Kya aap naaraaz hai Mujhse?"
This not only raised more questions in her head about what all those words and gestures of his meant, but also reminded her of all the butterflies that she had felt in her tummy when she was with him in those moments. All of them played in her head like a reel and she could do nothing to stop what was happening.
She remembered admiring his chiseled facial features while he addressed the hospital staff at the medical camp sight, with a wide smile on his face. She remembered feeling pleasantly surprised when she had heard him teasing Gaiti about something that night, at dinner. She remembered thinking about him, when he had told her to be happy and think about things that bring her joy. She remembered when he had grabbed her hurt hand to check the wound, and the electricity that had passed through her body when she had felt his breath gently fanning her face while he bandaged the wound.
The amalgamation of questions and feelings that were arising in her head right now, were too many to process. They made her feel uncomfortable. She wanted to do away with them at the earliest, so that she could breathe normally, and just feel nothing again. Within a few seconds, her autonomic nervous system took over and sleep engulfed her body and mind, like it always did when she wanted to keep her feelings at bay.
A couple of hours later, she woke up to a call from the hospital, regarding an emergency. She freshened up quickly, reached the hospital and got to work. That particular night at the hospital, had turned out to be a busy one. By the time it Zubia's duty was over, she had attended to 4 emergencies. She was exhausted and almost dragged herself from the hospital to her hostel. She changed into a loose salwar kameez and rested her body onto the bed. Within five minutes, she was fast asleep
***
Zubia turned around and started to take steps towards the cabin door. Just as she had taken her second step, she was pulled backwards by a firm grip on her hand. Before she could process what was happening, her fragile back collided with his hard and muscular frontal body. In a giffy, he turned her around to face him and their eyes met. His eyes were smouldering with passion and though she wanted to get away from him, she couldn't even move an inch of her body. Without breaking the intense eye-contact, He pinned her to the wall that was right next to the cabin door, with his palms resting against the wall on either side of her face.
"I'm truly, madly, deeply and passionately in love with you, Dr. Zubia Khalil, Don't you get it?" he whispered while he moved his face closer to hers, and their foreheads touched. Both of them could feel the other's heart racing. It was almost like their hearts were beating in sync now. Just then, Zubia cupped his face with both her hands and slowly her left hand went down, to caress the mole on the left side of his face, right above the lips. Within the blink of an eye, her lips collided with his and she gently nibbled on his lower lip as she ran her hands through his hair, pushing him to deepen the kiss. He groaned, tightened his grip around her waist and started responding to her. Their lips moved hungrily along one another's , almost like a thirsty traveller in a desert, drinking water from an oasis.
He slowly moved towards her neck and nuzzled her collarbone. "Asfand!" , she moaned as his beard brushed against her cheek.
***
Zubia's eyes jerked open and she sat up on her bed, almost involuntarily. She was disoriented and reached out to grab the water bottle on her bed side table. She drank water and went to the bathroom to wash her face.
Zubia was used to having nightmares, she would often wake up in the middle of the night, with sweat beads on her fore-head and tears in her eyes. However, when she tried to recall what she saw in the nightmare, she would be blank.
Today was different though. She had woken up with a jerk, but there was no sweat on her forehead or tears in her eyes and when she tried to remember what she had seen, her dream played out in her head like a video-tape, clear and detailed.
She remembered that she had studied in her psychiatry class that dreams were often manifestations of ones unconscious desires.
There it was! the answer to all her questions had just appeared in front of her. The reality that she had been running from for months, had come and hit her like a truck.
She had not only loved, but also desired Asfandyar for herself!
Hey everyone!
This was my attempt to explore Zubia's feelings for Asfandyar and throwing light on her journey of coming to terms with them. Hope you all enjoy this one!
Please, please keep your votes and comments coming! They motivate me to write more!