May fell asleep on the way home. Her little head was resting against the window, her knees were drawn up to her chest and her arms were holding them to her tightly.
With her electric blue eyes closed I felt like I was seeing her other features for the first time. Her eyes normally steal the show for me, and I don't have any time to admire just how perfect her set of lips look, how her cheeks are high and narrow, and how her hands are so small and scar free. It's hard for me to imagine that she had them covered in blood before.
"You look at her like she is the cure to cancer," Archer says as we pull into my driveway.
"She's the cure to my cancer." My cancer was revenge, and she was the cure. Despite her last name when I looked at her all I thought about was how she was mine to hold and protect.
I struggled ...
I've been struggling for a while now and just haven't admitted it to myself. I want her in ways that I knew I couldn't have her. I wanted to breathe her in, I wanted to hold her so close to me that no one could tell where her flesh met mine. I wanted to keep her as my actual shadow and the thing I was most ashamed of was that I wanted to kiss that pouty perfect mouth of hers.
The thought startled me because I think this is the first time that I have actually let myself admit that fact. It didn't matter either way because none of those things could happen, because this was all unhealthy.
This whole messed up situation was bound to blow up in flames and when it did, I want her to be able to walk away from it with herself intact.
I knew I was strong enough though. I knew where this was all headed and I was honestly just a passenger all I could hope for was that I could hold on to the little bit of modesty and decency I had left.
"I hope you know; your bed is mine tonight, right? I have waited three long months to get a good night's sleep." I rolled my eyes.
"What would you do without me?" I asked partly as a joke but partly because I wanted him to confirm to me just how much he needed me.
"Go crazy from sleep deprivation and loneliness. Sawyer and Killian are dull company and sleep talkers." He shuts the car off and I glance back at May one more time to see she is still knocked out, that walking must have really tired her out. "You know Killian has been sleep-talking about a woman, August? A woman! He kicked me out the first time I confronted him about moaning her name. Georgia. Unless he's having a wet dream about peaches and peanuts, I'm a hundred percent positive he has a thing for some woman named after the state."
I let Archer ramble as I make my way around the car, I hope she didn't wake up. She needed the sleep.
I ease the door open, so she doesn't fall out and hurt herself. I catch her swiftly, one arm under her knees and the other under her back securely holding her up in my arms. She felt as light as a feature. Her flesh was warm through her clothes, making tingles erupt through my chest.
She sighs softly and her cheek gets pressed against my chest. God, she fit so perfectly in my arms that I don't ever want to let her go.
She feels like fitting the last piece of a puzzle into its designated spot, she felt like pulling in a ten-pound bass, like feeling the dew on the edge of the grass seep in between your toes at seven in the morning with a cup of coffee in your hand.
She felt like home. This in front of me was a house. It housed memories that would haunt me as soon as I stepped into its doorway, but she was a home that stole those memories and replaced them with the present.
Just her being this close eased the pit in my stomach that was waiting to attack me when I spotted the first toy on the floor, I never made it back to pick up.
Noticed the drawing on the wall that I would have to wipe off eventually.
My steps faltered but I retrained my thoughts on how I could control this moment how I wanted to. I wouldn't remember this as the first time I came back home after Angelina's death, this would simply be the first time that May had ever seen my place.
"I'll get the door." Archer walked in front of me carrying his bag along with two of May's I would come back and get the other one in the morning.
I took a deep breath and stepped through the threshold. Everything goes as planned until I spot the paper with pencil traced letter A's on the coffee table.
I suck in a big gulp of air and stumble forward; I quickly catch myself before I can fall or let May fall. I walk swiftly to the couch keeping my eyes trained down on the ground, willing there not to be anything else.
I was shaking like a leaf by the time I sit her down and cover her up.
I stand there for a moment longer than I should have just staring at her. I want to soak up as much of her as I can because I needed the level-headedness, she provided me.
I lean down and kiss her forehead gently not missing the way that my lips shuttered against her skin.
That paper was the exact reason we were going to get ice cream.
I take a big step back from the sleeping woman on my couch and I'm struck with a 'what the fuck am I doing?' thought for a moment.
I turn on my feet and rush to my room, my shoulder hitting the wall and my foot stepping on Archer's toes. I ignore his owe of protest and sprint to my bedroom.
I know I look like a fool. I am a six-foot-three, tattooed, murderer running from something I can't even see.
~.~.~.~.~
I didn't sleep last night. Not a wink. Although Archer's kicks now and again didn't help they weren't the reason my mind refused to shut off.
I was stuck in between wanting to pack up all of Angelina's stuff and put it in storage or leaving everything exactly how she left it.
I felt like I was betraying her if I touched even one of her toys with the intention to pack it up, but I don't think I can handle seeing daily reminders about what I lost yet. My will isn't strong enough for that. So, while thinking last night I agreed that I would go through the house and gather up all of Angelina's things and put them into her room and when I did have enough willpower, I would sit down on her bed and look at everything as I packed it away for good.
Archer stretches from the other side of the bed. "That was the best night's sleep I've ever had."
"Good for you," I grumble as I force myself up into a sitting position. "I don't think I even blinked."
Archer got up as well. "I'm here for you Bubba. What can I do?" He looks down at me with a sad smile gracing his lips. Archer has always been a pleaser; he likes to help people in any way he can.
"I do actually need your help with something."
For the next hour, we worked quietly gathering everything of Angelina's and putting it into her bedroom, going as far from her toothbrush to her shoes by the door.
I didn't break down this time because I just shut my emotions down for a moment. I just pretended that those shoes were used for a random little girl's feet.
May slept through the whole thing. "Alright, well I'm going to head out for my shift at the diner."
"Be careful." I pull him into a hug and pat his back. Archer was amazing at cooking and that's how he made a living while he was in college to become a chef.
Speaking of making a living I needed to talk to my old boss today and see if he's going to hire me back on. My savings can only last for so long.
May wakes up while I'm cooking pancakes and bacon. She stretches out causing her shirt to rise and show off a section of her small waist. I advert my eyes quickly.
"Hungry?" I ask not expecting a response but asking anyways.
She gets off the couch and rubs the sleepiness from her eyes. She glances around the place, and I assume she is taking it in considering she was asleep when we got here last night.
"I'm cooking pancakes and bacon." She comes to stand beside me and looks down at the food then she smiles at me, and I don't do anything but stare at her.
She was so beautiful that she made my brain muddled. She could walk into any room and steal the show.
She continues walking around the house until her eyes come onto a whiteboard attached to the fridge. There are three markers beside it, and she picks one up. I finish the pancakes before walking up behind her to see what she's writing.
'Thank you for letting me stay.'
"No, thank you for staying. I'm going to be honest May. I think I need this..." I point between myself and her. "Just as much as you do. If not maybe even a little bit more."
She pauses for a moment a serious look taking hold of her face and she writes down, ' What did my father do to you?'
A deep settled frown takes hold of my lips, and I try to figure out how I respond to that. I didn't want to be completely evasive because May didn't write much. I didn't want to be completely honest because it was just too much to talk about right now. So, I settle for a response that would ease both of those problems, "He took something from me that I won't ever get back."
May was smart, I saw her reading all kinds of books throughout the three months at Mary Hill and she just had that look about her that let me know she was smarter than most people gave her credit for so I shouldn't be surprised when she ended up putting two and two together.
'Your daughter?'
I nod my head at May before stepping away from her and going back to fixing our plates. She doesn't try to write anything else down, but I do feel her eyes watching me closely. I wondered what she was thinking. I wonder if she knew exactly what her father was capable of.
Did I turn her life upside down just now or did my little shadow suffer at the hands of her father as well? After all, he hasn't come and visited her all of the time, she stayed there according to Dr. Wilson.
"He's not a good man, your father," I say as I grab the syrup from the fridge.
I turn around with both plates in hand.
I don't know why I need her to know that but just in case she wasn't aware that the man that fathered her was a piece of shit I needed to abolish any love she hypothetically had left for him.
She was no longer his. She was mine.
~.~.~.~.~
I love this chapter and am so happy with the change of scenery.
Let me know what you think.