TW:
- Suicide note
"I am writing to Nakahara Chuuya.
I am sorry that I'm leaving like this. The strain is too much.
I'm not a writer, I'm not good at doing this kind of thing, but I'll try to put some effort into it for you, Chuuya. I didn't originally plan on writing out a note, but its unfair that you don't know the reason I did this.
Here I am, sitting on the ground with a stomach filled with pills and sipping on sake. I'll make this quick since the pills will kick in any moment here.
I've never really felt whole. There was always a pit in me. I was always lonely, no matter who I was with. I was never happy, no matter what.
I feel so unhappy...
I've been betrayed too many times.
I've betrayed people too many times
I'm not good with people believe it or not. I hate social interaction. People scare me. I scare me.
I dreaded social interaction. It was always like my eyes would swim in my head, and the whole world would grow dark before me. I felt half out of my mind. I wanted to stop that feeling.
I have been a "social outcast" from the moment I was born because of my odd behavior. Even if I've forgotten most of the childhood I barely had, I do remember that I hated it. I wanted to stop that feeling.
Nothing in life brought me happiness, no joy, no pleasure. Nothing. Something was wrong.
Even when I left the Mafia, it brought me nothing. I escaped, but it gave me no pleasure: I decided to kill myself.
That's how I ended up here.
Whenever I thought of my situation I sank all the deeper in my depression, and lost all my energy.
As you can see, mine has been a life of much shame.
After this, I don't know what will happen. I can believe in hell, but it is impossible for me to believe in the existence of heaven. So, I most likely will suffer in hell, that is if there is an after life. I don't believe there is. There is no devil and certainly no God.
If there was... Then, why did I suffer so much?
Chuuya, I know you. Please don't follow me. I know you'll consider it. I beg of you, please don't do what I did.
I love you.
I have nothing else to write.
I love you.
I love you.
Please don't forgive me, Osamu Dazai."
(A/N The bolded sentences are direct references to the book 'No Longer Human' by the real life Osamu Dazai)