The idea seemed brilliant at the time. As the execution inches closer, however, her self-doubt is skyrocketing. But, hey - nothing new here. Especially when it comes to Y/n.
She swears, every goddamn week she's got brand new material to discuss with Dr. Park during her individual sessions.
This is stupid, she harshly tells herself, clutching the picnic basket's handle as she steps out of the car. A little spontaneity never hurt anyone. What's the worst that could happen?
She tries not to think about the well-known fact that these are the famous last words before something terrible actually does happen.
Jisoo calls her just as she's about to knock on Y/n's door. "I got it! I got the job!"
For a second, Jennie forgets about her nerves. "Oh my God! Really?"
"No, it's a prank," Jisoo says dryly. "What the fuck do you mean really?"
Jennie laughs. "Sorry," she says. "Sorry, I'm just - I'm so happy for you. I know how much this means to you."
"Thanks, Jennie." She can hear a genuine smile in her friend's voice, and it makes her smile as well. "What are you up to? I say you come over with a giant pizza and outrageously expensive wine that I know for a fact you can afford."
"Oh, um," she hesitates at that. On one hand, there's a surprise she's been planning for a week. On the other hand, Jisoo's been waiting for this for much longer. She sighs. "Yeah. I'll be right over, give me twenty minutes or so--"
The door in front of her opens just before she turns around and leaves. "I thought I heard you," Y/n says, managing to keep most of her surprise out of her voice. She gives her a quick once-over, a lopsided grin appearing on her lips when she notices the picnic basket. "Well...Hi?"
"I, uh - hi," Jennie stumbles, eyes wide. This is so not how she's imagined it going.
"Is that Y/n? Shit, am I interrupting?"
"No, no, you're fine, I just..." Jennie sighs into the phone. Before she can say anything else, Jisoo's talking again.
"Dude, you should've told me. It's cool, I'll see you tomorrow. Tell her I said hi."
"Jisoo--" Jennie tries again, shooting Y/n an apologetic glance, who just looks more and more amused.
"Jennie, it's okay," Jisoo says, smiling. "I kind of sprang it on you. Call me tomorrow, okay?"
She surrenders. "Okay. First thing in the morning."
Jisoo snorts. "Don't even try me before lunch." And promptly hangs up, leaving Jennie alone with a smiling Y/n. "Um," she says. "Hi?"
Y/n chuckles as she steps closer to her, and some of the tension evaporates from her body when she slowly entwines her arms around her waist. "Hi," she whispers before leaning in for a soft, slow kiss.
Jennie sighs, almost involuntarily, when they part. "I was wondering why you were so adamant about finding out whether I was home."
"Now you know," Jennie chuckles, raising the basket up to show it to Y/n, even though she's already seen it. "It's a beautiful day outside."
Y/n's gaze sparkles with something that fills Jennie's chest to the brim. "It is."
-
They end up going to the park where Y/n took her on their third date. She doesn't know if Y/n considered it a date, but she definitely does. She remembers the snow covering the cold ground as they sat on a bench and ate burgers. Sounds bizarre now that she thinks about it.
The memory leaves a bitter aftertaste in her mouth, she's not going to lie. Everything they did back then was based on a lie; but she also knows that it's something that she has to move past if she wants Y/n and her to make it. And - knowing and feeling are two different things, yes, but she finds herself thinking her heart's finally catching up with her head.
And really, what better way to move on than to reclaim all of the spots tainted with her lie and fill it with truth?
She smiles down at Y/n when she hears her hum. "This is nice," she breathes. Jennie continues to massage her temples and scalp as she lays her head in her lap.
"It is," she agrees. It definitely helps to make people relax, and there's no doubt someone with levels of stress as high as Y/n's deserves a moment of relaxation.
Y/n almost falls asleep, and Jennie almost lets her. It's the thought that the ground wouldn't do Y/n's back any good that has her gently shaking Y/n out of her slumber. Of course, Y/n refuses to cooperate at first.
Of course, Jennie almost melts, but in the end, Y/n's wellbeing wins.
"I'm not that old," Y/n grumbles as she groggily sits up, blinking. "I could handle a couple more hours."
"I'd rather you not risk it," Jennie tells her with a smile. "Aw, you're so grumpy when you're sleepy. It's adorable."
Y/n shoots her a sour look. "I am not adorable," she protests. Jennie only laughs.
"Is being adorable really the worst thing in the world?" She asks, before gently tucking an unruly black lock behind Y/n's ears. "Or is the concept so foreign to you? You must've been called that once or twice."
Smooth, Kim. Real smooth.
Y/n's smile fades, just a little, and her gaze briefly drops to the blanket they are sitting on. "Once or twice," she echoes.
Here it is. The opening she's been trying to find. "By... by her?"
She thinks it shouldn't surprise her how easily Y/n can read her. Dark brown eyes search hers. Then, she sighs. "Is there something you want to ask me?" Her tone is soft. Even Jennie still blinks and bites her lip, feeling as if she was caught -- red-handed.
She sighs, too. "There's just something I've been thinking about," she starts quietly. Y/n leans back on her hands, studying her. She thinks it'd be much more difficult if Y/n didn't have such expressive eyes, because her face is a stoic mask. Jennie doesn't blame her, though. It doesn't seem like it's going to be an easy conversation, and that's how Y/n is. She doesn't expect her to change overnight. "How -- we've never really talked about your past... relationships. Or - not all of them, but the one you loved." Words feel big and clumsy to wrap her tongue around.
Y/n continues to watch her. She doesn't tense up, doesn't shut down, and Jennie chooses to see that as a win. Yet, there is this air around her - more serious, a little bit guarded - that makes unease spread through Jennie's chest.
Perhaps she shouldn't have asked.
But then, Y/n sighs and sits straight. "What do you want to know?" It's just a question. It's not filled with annoyance, or exasperation - Y/n's tone is even and calm, if a little tired. But Jennie's already in her head about this.
"I'm sorry," she says sincerely. "I shouldn't have -- we don't need to talk about it."
Y/n's hand on hers and Y/n's eyes on hers make her go still. "It's not that I don't want to talk about it," Y/n tells her quietly, but with an undercurrent of urgency for her to understand. "If anything, you're the person I'd like to share this with, Jennie. But this is not the place to do that. Or the time. I promise," her thumb softly strokes the back of her hand. Light. Gentle. "I promise we'll talk about it. And anything else you want to talk about."
Jennie takes a deep breath, because - this might escalate well beyond their control, but she can't not bring it up. "That's the thing, Y/n," she says, trying to stay calm. "I don't want to talk about what I want to talk about. I want to talk about things you want to talk about."
Y/n blinks. "That was a lot of talk about."
"Y/n," Jennie huffs. "I'm being serious."
"Me too." Dark brown eyes stay trained on hers as full lips from a small smile. "We'll discuss what both of us want to discuss, but some things are..." Y/n drawn in a breath before finishing, "...in due time." It doesn't feel like she's merely placating her. Y/n wouldn't, she knows that. There's still some leftover frustration left, however, but now, there's also a swirl of fresh guilt in the mix.
"I didn't want to pressure you into talking," she says quietly, eyes downcast. Y/n's fingers under her chin make her look up. Y/n is smiling.
"I know," she says. "And you weren't doing that." Jennie leans into her palm when she cups her cheek, leisurely trailing her gaze over her face. "It's okay. We're okay."
Jennie believes her.
-
She doesn't bring Y/n's first love up anymore, figuring Y/n will start the conversation herself if she feels like it. She - honestly, she doesn't even know why it was so important to her at the time. Perhaps, it's just the fact that it's clearly one of Y/n's most treasured memories - yet it also feels like there's some heartache involved - but Y/n should be the one to choose to share it.
The guilt intensifies, for a short period of time, but Jennie's slowly learning how to battle it and keep moving on. Dr. Park is definitely helping. At one of their early sessions, she's suggested that Jennie is basically addicted to guilt at this point.
Jennie was mind-blown. It made more sense than anything, ever before, and she thinks there was an audible click in her brain as everything shifted into place.
"You're using it as a toxic, self-destructive crutch," Dr. Park tells her. The woman, while pleasant and genuinely warm, doesn't hold back any punches. As usual. "It's your brain's - and heart's - first response to anything. And at times, it can get ugly, having that as something to lean on. Guilt can very quickly turn into self-pity."
Dr. Park's seen it happen, she tells her. Guilt-riddled people depending on their nearest and dearest to constantly reassure them; and having their minds soothed becomes another drug of its own.
If there's one thing Jennie doesn't want, it's that. Being a burden with a hidden victim's mentality. She thinks that was one of the turning points for her. Letting go of her guilt and blame became easier and easier ever since that fateful talk.
"So this is rehab, essentially," she tells Dr. Park, and the woman laughs.
"You could say that, yes."
For some reason, Jisoo found it hilarious. She kept demanding Jennie roll up her sleeves - which, what sleeves in this fucking weather, Jennie countered. What she did roll was her eyes the first couple of times before finally pointing out jokes like that were more than a little insensitive. Not to Jennie personally, but - she's seen addicts come into the emergency room. It's not pretty, and it's definitely the furthest thing from funny.
Sometimes, Jisoo can be over the top, but she thinks they wouldn't be friends if she weren't. Jisoo's also a self-sufficient and fairly self-dependent person - at times, extremely, but that's another story - and Jennie, with some help from Dr. Park, comes to realize that she doesn't need to worry about Tzuyu and her possible plan of revenge.
Because, essentially, she'll be making the same mistake Jackson made. Not trusting Jisoo enough to make her own decisions. Treating her like a baby. She have done what she could - told her friend who Tzuyu was. From now on, Jisoo can figure things out herself, and Jennie doesn't have a right to butt in. Besides, asking Y/n to talk to Tzuyu about it was just plain stupid, and she lets her know about that.
"So you don't want me to ask her about it," Y/n says.
Jennie sighs. "A part of me still does, but, honestly, if it's actually a part of her grand revenge, she's not going to admit it to you anyway, and if it's not, which is more than likely... Her opinion of me is low enough already."
Y/n smiles and presses a chaste kiss to the side of her head. "I'm telling you, she likes you."
"Right."
"See for yourself," Y/n says, stepping away from her and checking on their dinner. "This weekend."
There's an already-familiar feeling of dread pooling in her stomach, but Jennie pushes it down, chuckling instead and rubbing her hands together to stop her fingers from growing numb. "You think you're smooth, don't you?" She asks, sliding behind her and leaving a small, teasing nip at the nape of her neck. Lately, they've been growing more and more comfortable with those small displays of affection. Jennie's heart still soars at having Y/n merely smile at her and touch her in return instead of shying away.
"Usually, I do," Y/n chuckles, "but I must admit, this is not my proudest moment."
"So, dinner with the family, huh?" Jennie asks, then, pressing closer to her. It's not sexual. Well - considering the amount of time they've gone without it and Jennie is nearly-abnormal sex drive every time she's around Y/n, every little thing is sexual to her, but she's trying not to be too transparent.
She's failing, if Y/n's small catch of breath is any indication. "Yeah," she tells her in a voice that's dropped lower than before. "Jackson's been asking about you. In a mild, non-threatening way."
"That's reassuring," Jennie scoffs. Y/n turns around in her arms. Gives her a gentle smile and tucks a brown lock behind her ear.
"It's gonna be fine," she tells her. "I'll understand if you don't want to do that yet, though."
"I know I joke around, but I do want to do that, Y/n." Their hands find each other, and it never ceases to amaze Jennie how in sync they are becoming. Just like before, but so much better. "I know how important it is for you. And it's important to me, too. I do actually like them. Yes, Jackson, too."
Y/n nods and leaves a small, grateful kiss on her lips. Then, she grins. "When we were in college, there was a girl - she liked us both. It was weird."
Jennie doesn't find it all that shocking. They are both gorgeous. "Well, I definitely don't like him in that way, but I can't blame her. What happened next?"
"Well," Y/n starts slowly, "Jacson had a girlfriend at the time."
Jennie studies her with a smirk. "You slept with her, didn't you."
"A little bit," Y/n replies, and Jennie laughs.
"College Jennie and college Y/n would've had a ball, probably," she says, leaning in and sighing when she feels Y/n's arms wrap around her in a cozy embrace.
"You wouldn't have liked me, I think."
"I'm pretty sure I'd like any version of you."
She understands what Y/n's doing, and she hopes the kiss she gives her lets her know how much she appreciates it. Y/n's unveiling her past through small snippets and bits, and Jennie is happy to let her do that at any pace she finds comfortable. She's also a little surprised when she doesn't feel the usual tight coil of jealousy in her chest when Y/n mentions being with someone else. Surprised, and glad. Whether it's the sing of her maturing or moving on from projecting her doubts and insecurities, she doesn't know, but she's happy. She thinks that after everything they've been through - are still going through - petty jealousy over something that was so many years ago is the furthest thing on her mind.
She wonders if she'd be that calm seeing Kate interact with Y/n, but she quickly shuts the thought down.
"I think I would like any version of you, too," Y/n says quietly when they part, and Jennie has to kiss her again.
-
Y/n wisely chooses not to have dinner in a restaurant. Jennie doubts they'd appreciate dealing with a corpse or two if the evening deteriorates. Okay, she's exaggerating. Mildly.
She's nervous. She didn't expect to be this nervous. "How do I look?" She asks Jisoo who's lounging on her bed. This feels familiar, she thinks. She remembers three of them in her room, excited about one of her early dates with Y/n - at a high-end gala, no less. Except Irene's not here now. It's been so long since they last talked - and Jennie has a feeling it won't be soon, either. They've been drifting apart for a long time. Even before Y/n appeared and changed -- everything. Jennie does know she's preparing to move to another city because of work. She wonders, sometimes, if she'll ever call to tell her that herself.
"Eh," Jisoo tells her, and laughs as she catches a pair of jeans. Jennie chucks at her. "Domestic violence is not the answer, Kim."
"Bite me," Jennie mutters, turning around and critically surveying herself in the mirror. They are going to have dinner at Y/n's apartment, so it's going to be more of a casual thing, but she still wants to look good for her.
"Your girlfriend wouldn't approve," Jisoo replies to her earlier remark. Jennie throws her a look over her shoulder.
"Trust me, I've learned my lesson." Does that skirt really go with this blouse? Should she be wearing a blouse? It's a dinner, not a job interview, for fuck's sake.
"Good to know." Jisoo comes up to stand behind her. "Why the blouse? It's hot outside, Jennie."
"Ugh," she groans as she goes back into her walk-in closet. "Maybe I should just cancel."
"Chill," her friend orders. "No matter what you wear, it's not going to ake Y/n like you any less." She's silent for a second, before: "Or make her family like you any more. Let's be real."
"Thanks." The word drips with sarcasm, which is exactly what Jennie's going for. "You're a life-saver."
"Sure am, and I'm gonna prove it," Jisoo states, walking into the closet as well. "Just wear this," she says, grabbing a piece of cloth off the rack and shoving it in Jennie's arms.
She just stares at her. "Little black dress? Again?"
"Well," Jisoo scratches her neck, having the decency to look a little sheepish. "I never claimed to be versatile when it comes to looks."
Jennie sighs. "I'll just go with a sundress," she says, looking around. There's a flash of yellow, and she takes it out, feeling the light fabric with her fingers. Simple, sunny, still presentable. Perfect. "It's summer. Sundresses are all the rage."
"I guess," Jisoo shrugs.
Jennie doesn't let that deter her. She shoos her away so she can change. Jisoo only laughs since, according to her, "ain't nothing I haven't seen before, Kim," but does comply. Jennie suspects it's just so she can rummage through her fridge. She was expecting that, though - that's why she always has Jisoo's favorite beer on the ready.
While her friend is on her way to getting happily buzzed, she quickly tugs the dress on and checks herself out. Not bad. Not bad at all. Besides, Jisoo is right. It won't make Jackson hate her any less.
Did she mention she was nervous? Scratch that. She's absolutely terrified.
----