No one can pretend forever.
Eventually, the truth that we're trying to cover up beneath a veil of pretend comes to light. Unfortunately, it is human nature to pretend. It is a defense mechanism when the truth is too hard to accept. When we're truly hurt, we pretend that everything is fine. We let others rip our hearts out and then tell them to keep it because we didn't need it anyway.
I always thought my breaking point would be different.
I didn't expect it to happen the way it did. I hadn't even realized it was. Although I guess nobody knows when things like this happen. I was scared that I would relapse. I was terrified that those vacant feelings and haunting thoughts would come back, they could control me the way a puppet's strings can be pulled. If I wasn't in the right mind, what could they do?
They say to guard your thoughts and now I knew why. Intrusive thoughts can become real in the blink of an eye.
It had been a few days since that night. They didn't leave me alone longer than a few minutes, less than Warren that night because I realized I'd broken something in him. He hadn't spoken. He didn't let me speak to him, though I had no idea what I would even say.
I'm sorry?
I had suicidal thoughts and no amount of apologizing was going to fix it. There was no return because I actively kept myself busy so my thoughts didn't have a chance to spiral anymore. I had painted nonstop over the last few days. It wasn't recovery but it helped. I felt less out of control, less like a livewire waiting for connection.
I lay on my stomach in bed. A small easel, slightly bigger than my palm rested in the middle of containers of watercolor. I held the dainty paintbrush with my thumb and forefinger and I glanced up at the city skyline from my bedroom window once more. The painting was almost done, I was just finishing the clouds, and I daydreamed enough that my thoughts remained calm. I couldn't remember when I started the painting but I worked tirelessly on it, even though my shoulders screamed and my muscles ached from holding the position for minuscule details to come to life.
Warren was right, it was therapy in its own sense.
It distracted me from the worst.
I knew I wasn't alone. My bedroom door was open and I could sense when one of them came to check on me. They did it every few minutes. Sometimes, I forgot one of them was there. In a way, they were my very own guardian angels. I knew that if I lost it again, they would keep me from hurting myself. I really wanted to focus on thinking better, even if my body couldn't.
Suddenly, I heard bags rustling and footsteps coming down the hall.
"It's time to get dressed!" Auden announced as he came into my room. His charming personality had returned as if I hadn't just scared the life out of them. As if I hadn't been soaking wet in a towel in River's arms, trembling, and Warren hadn't been haunted by the ghost of the past. It was terrible and I wanted to apologize until my tongue went limp.
I rolled over and sat up. "What for?"
"We're going for dinner."
I frowned.
"Oh, Aida, don't give me that look. You'll get wrinkles far sooner than you wish. Come on, up you get." He reached out for my hand and his eyes briefly fell to take notice of the little painting I nearly completed. "Very nice details! How do you paint that small?"
"A tiny brush and insane concentration," I said and took his hand. He helped me off the bed. I stood on dull, aching legs, but it had become so normal I barely registered it this time. "I was almost finished."
"Have you shown Warren any of your paintings?"
"Not really."
"He'd love it." Suddenly, Auden leaned in so our shoulders brushed, and whispered under his breath, "Just between you and me, he's been asking River and I if we've seen your paintings. If I didn't know any better, he's a little jealous."
A smile came across my lips. "Really?"
"Really," Auden winked. "Alright, let's get you dressed up." He grabbed the bags he'd brought in and hung up on my door. He revealed a stunning emerald green dress, it was spun from the finest silk and shimmered beneath the lights with the slightest movement.
I paused. "Auden... I don't think I should dress up."
"Why ever not, Little Aida?" Auden turned to me with a frown, the silky green fabric slipping from between his fingers in its earthen liquidity.
I fidgeted with my fingers. "Well, I'm just not... I don't look my best."
"Who told you that? Never mind, don't answer that because I already know what you're going to say," He huffed and brought the dress next to me, "No, love, you don't look your best because you're not in this phenomenal dress. You don't even need makeup because this color compliments your natural features. It brings out the color in your eyes, too. Yes, this is perfect. Now change." He held the dress out for me to take.
"Auden---"
"Now, please."
I flattened my lips together because I knew that once his mind was made up, it could not be unmade. He had always been a determined type of person. It suited him well in the fashion industry and when he sprinkled a little charm in there, he truly would become an icon for generations to come. I slowly took the hanger from him and the silk of the dress felt like clouds brushing against my arm.
I stared down at it for a second. This dress probably cost more than my entire life. Only celebrities of the highest should wear clothes like this. Suddenly, I remembered how Broadway went. I'd been so excited then and look how it had turned out.
This wasn't a good idea.
He read my mind.
"Nothing will go wrong this time," Auden assured me, "River took care of it."
"Took care of what?"
"Silly girl, you have so many questions. Let us surprise you."
I bit my lip, contemplating. It wasn't my idea this time and I trusted them to know what was best. They'd proven that. Maybe it was time I stopped struggling to trust, even when the odds were a mountain before me.
"Okay."
I stepped into my bathroom and flicked on the lights.
"Don't even look in the mirror," Auden called out after me, "I'll do your hair after you're in the dress."
I stopped. "You do hair?"
"Well yes, sometimes I prepared my models for the runway when the stylists needed time off."
Something warmed in my chest. Auden truly was selfless.
I listened to him and kept my eyes from straying to themirror. I knew my hair was a mess because I'd just thrown it up in a messy bun this morning and hadn't given it another thought. I liked when I couldn't see the thinning strands or feel the hair falling down my shoulders. When it was up, I wasn't worried.
I slipped on the dress. It was a perfect fit. I had no idea how Auden had gotten my measurements so perfectly but I supposed he was good at eyeballing. They say those in the fashion industry had a good eye.
It was open back and the halfzipper was too low for me. I held it closed with one hand and stepped back into my room.
Auden let out a low whistle. "Magnificent, Little Aida. You're glowing."
I smiled and my heart beat a little happier. He helped me zip my dress and then, true to his word, he curled my hair with perfect practice. My hair even looked full and voluminous after he teased it. I was in awe.
When I saw my reflection in the window, I looked like me. Better than I had been for months.
I didn't question how it was possible. Auden finished fussing and then smiled down at me, "Ready?"
I took his hand and he tucked it into the crook of his elbow. I had slipped on some medium height heels though I was still extremely balanced with stilettos because ballerinas were all about tiptoes. We walked into the hallway and I was surprised when I saw River and Warren waiting in suits in the couch. Their heads turned as Auden announced, "Gentlemen, she's ready."
Warren was impossible to read. I was surprised he had even agreed to come with us. Some part of me thought he was angry with me and he had every right to be. I had no excuses.
River's eyes, however, immediately softened. "You look stunning, Aida."
"Thank you, it was all Auden though."
Auden scoffed. "When will you stop saying silly stuff? I feel obligated to smack you when you do."
I was exchanged from Auden to River. My oldest brother laid his hand over top mine and it was such a tender gesture. I didn't even realize Auden had left to change until he came back in a maroon suit. While his brothers were dressed in black, he still looked dashing in the color.
"We could be Christmas ornaments," I joked.
Auden's lips parted. "Was that a joke that I just heard? My my, I thought I'd never hear you tell another one. Come now, dinner is in an hour."
Warren was still as silent as ever as he followed us down the hall, into the elevator, and into the car garage. Even Rived seemed quiet. I wouldn't have thought they were gauging my reactions to everything.
My lips parted when both of the black beasts chirped as they unlocked. I looked at River. He offered a small smile, "We're taking both this time. The back seats can be cramped."
Auden walked around to the driver's side of his Audi and winked at me. Warren dropped into the passenger seat without a glance. I wish I wouldn't be so worried about what he thought but I was.
What went on in his head?
I thanked River who opened the passenger door of his BMW and I ducked into the passenger seat as graceful as I could, collecting the excess of my dress onto the fine leather seats.
Their cars started and we were off.
Into the city of dreams.
x
It was exceptionally rare these days for me to feel like a normal human being. I had become my diagnosis between the doctor's appointments, treatments, and changes that I can visibly see at home. Aida Valievo was barely there because I had forced her behind a veil of negativity. I was glad that my brothers had forced me out of the house.
Because right now, sitting in this empty restaurant that River had reserved every seat to and had wait staff exclusively for us, eating the classiest food I've ever had in New York City... I felt normal. Auden was cracking jokes and telling stories, Rived laughed, and I felt like me again.
They say that some people can light up a room because they shine from within. I had always assumed that people looked at me because I was Aida Valievo, the underdog who came from a small hometown and made a name for herself in the City of Dreams. My success had truly been unmatched within the industry.
I felt my light again.
It came from the way my wide smile hurt. The way my laughter came from deep within and my stomach hurt because I couldn't stop. It was the way that I felt happy again, if only for this moment.
It reminded me of dancing.
Because dancing made me happy.
Suddenly, I remembered the days when Lucy and I would grab lunch together. We had favorite places to go but oftentimes, we went to a new place. There were hundreds of places in NYC to eat, holes in the wall with the best desserts, and little corner cafes with the best cappuccino known to mankind. We had been two best friends enjoying life.
I missed Lucy.
Warren was watching. He always was now. He had good reason to not take his eyes off me, I felt like I couldn't even let my thoughts slip for one second.
He knew that I knew.
I knew that he knew.
River was intellectually adept but Warren had gone through the same dark I had. He knew the shadows that sunk their claws into me. He knew the monsters that hid under the bed. He knew what it felt like to be gutted and stitched back together on a whim that things would get better. He didn't know how it ended but I did.
It ended with me.
In the early stages of diagnosis, I had read about cancer. It can be hereditary but some types of cancer only affect male or female offspring. I must have unfortunately won the chromosome lottery on that one. I sincerely hoped that none of them went through this. I hoped that they lived a long, healthy, and happy life. I hoped that they succeded in everything they did.
I didn't know what had come over me earlier but I saw the signs now. I understood why I was spiraling, why I felt like I couldn't convince myself of anything different.
I hoped.
Past tense.
But tonight, I only wanted one thing. I never wanted this happiness to end. Happiness was so fleeting these days but I truly lived for the feeling. This time that I spent with my family had become my entire world. They were the reason I smiled again. They were the reason my laughter filled the restaurant.
It was something I never knew I needed. But they did.
They were infectious.
☼ ☼ ☼
Is disaster waiting to happen? Or perhaps not?
I read a book recently that had the same theme as this book with an incurable illness. I was not prepared for the end. It could be Accolade's twin. But let me tell you, the agony was unreal. I bawled.