AN: Just to those that did not get the message. Please read the updated version of Chapter 18. Added in some 200+ words around Aahil's conversation with his mother.
Chapter 19 – Haunting Silence
"It is He Who created you from a single person, and made his mate of like nature, in order that he might dwell with her (in love)."
-Surah Al- Araf, verse 189
Waliya woke up, read the dua upon waking up and then reached for her cell phone to check the time. She was surprised to see that she was up so early without the need of an alarm clock, but then a spike of pain shot through her lower stomach. Suddenly, it made sense to her why she was up so early. Her stomach was cramping and she knew that this was a sign for her monthlies to start within the next week or so.
Immediately it made her moody and grumpy. She just didn't want to get out of bed and deal with life, when the pain was so bad already. It was like having a mace taken to your stomach and being it with it repeatedly, then having your stomach lining being attached to the little hooks as it lifts up in preparation for the next shot. Then, as if that wasn't enough torture, it would feel like the mace is being twisted in your stomach, grabbing your uterus and then swinging it side to side just for added effect.
Then, as expected, Aahil's call came. She spoke to him, but then with him annoying her and asking her to connect to Skype, she just became even more annoyed with him and well, all the pain. It was unfair of her to be harsh on him when he didn't even understand even a tiny fraction of what she was going through, but it was early and the pain was already intense. Then, as she spoke to him, she was consumed with a terrible pain in her stomach that travelled to her back as well. It was at that point where she abruptly cut the call with Aahil.
She felt guilty and she knew she had to apologise, but she never got the chance when she spoke to him. It slipped her mind completely, so instead she made dua to Allah. However, after his call she made her fajr and spent most of the day in bed. Towards the latter part of the day, after Maghrib or so, his mother came around with a basket full of sweets and chocolates in it.
Together Waliya and her mother in law sat, laughing and talking while Waliya enjoyed her hot chocolate and her mother in law enjoyed her tea –the tea had to be made according to Aahil's specifications, which in turn made Waliya laugh even more. It was cute that mother and son had the same precision for their tea.
To Waliya, it was just a cup of milk, water, teabags and sugar. There was no true science in making it. There was no special skill required to make it, but it seemed as if the Khan family had some sort of a special secret manner of making tea.
Hours later, when she left, Waliya went on to Skype. She had to talk to Aahil. She was ecstatic –if she ignored the mind numbing cramps she was experiencing –to see he was online. Without a second of hesitation, she dialled him. They spoke for an hour or so, when she felt sleepy and disconnected it, after he left her with some powerful advice.
It made her truly think. She knew a bit of things and the fact that she read a lot, made her an open minded person, if it were necessary. She did not just accept everything she was told, neither did she agree nor disagree with it. She was just merely a person, who if your advice or your opinion made sense, she would take it into consideration.
Waliya was to an extent, an analyser. She over-thought most things and most of her decisions. One of the worst decisions she had to think about was her marriage –in general, not to Aahil. When she was nineteen, she was very undecided. At that age, she only had about one friend who was already married and it had made her worry to a degree what people would think if she wanted to get married at that age.
Automatically, they would assume that she was pregnant and that worried her. It wouldn't usually bother her about what people would have thought of her, but when it was a question of her modesty and her father's respect, she would never want to take a chance with it. Yet, when she somehow found the guts to tell her father what she truly wanted, it was a blessing. He understood why she wanted to marry, she saw that in his eyes, but that didn't mean he was happy about her decision. He refuted it at first, the memory of that incident was burned into her head, but he had rushed to fulfil her request. However, she was happy with the turn of events of her life.
She was married to Aahil, Alhamdulillah. His family approved of her, as did her family approve of him. Things were good, shukr to Allah. Especially when she had received his gift, the Pillow Talk. It made her ecstatic to see that he was thinking about her especially since he was so far away and swamped with work.
It was all any girl ever wanted –especially when he was her husband. All she ever wanted was to know that she crossed his mind at least once during the day, to know that he thought of her during the busiest time of his day, but yet he still made time to message her and make her smile by one small message. All a girl ever wanted was to be loved and to know they are loved, it made her much more dedicated in carrying out her duties, it made her trust her husband explicitly despite what anyone could tell her. Yet, with Aahil's gift, she felt special and cared for. The small letter he wrote her, made her smile for days into the future.
Dear Liya,
I took the liberty of buying us these pillows.
I thought they would be cute and useful now that we're apart.
I hope you like it.
With love,
Aahil
For days after that, Waliya had a huge grin on her face. She was ecstatic, despite the fact that her talking time with Aahil grew less and less every day. It made her sad at first, then she laughed realising how accustomed she had become to speaking to him for hours each that, suddenly when she wasn't able to talk to him for as long, she was bored out of her wits. She had gotten so used to him waking her up with a call, that without his calls in the morning or during the day, she was lost with what to do with the spare time.
She had an idea, but she would have to wait to speak to Aahil before she could execute it. Uncertainty stopped her from calling him to ask him. She wasn't sure how he would react to it and the last thing she wanted to do was upset him. It was obvious that over the last two months that the reason he wasn't calling her as much was because he was busy with tantamount of work. It saddened her that he didn't have that much time for her anymore, but she understood. But understanding that didn't mean she had to like it.
Her phone rang at that unfortunate moment with Aahil's name highlighting the screen. She grimaced, fear lacing her heart as she knew the outcome of the conversation wasn't going to be something she was going to like. Sliding her finger across the screen, she answered it.
Immediately, his soft voice floated through the phone and without any hesitation she smiled. It was like magic, the way he always made her smile just by hearing his voice. "Assalaamualaikum Liya," he greeted.
"Wa'alaikumusalaam Aahil," she greeted and despite the smile on her face, her voice was shaking with fear of the upcoming conversation.
"Liya! Guess what?" he said, ignoring the tremble in her voice for a few seconds, hoping that maybe in a few moments it would go away.
"What?" she said in the same tone as earlier.
He frowned, but he still kept his tone happy and light. He hoped she was just having a bad day and not that something was wrong. He didn't want to think negatively. "There's only three months left until I can come home to you!" he said, the excitement brimming over in his tone.
"I can't wait," she said softly, and that was when he spoke up.
"What's wrong? You don't sound enthusiastic at all. In fact, you don't even sound happy at all."
She frowned. "There's something I want to ask you," she said in a shaking voice.
"Then ask me. Why are you nervous?" he laughed lightly.
She bit the corner of her lip, trying to strengthen her resolve and ask him. With her eyes firmly closed, she breathed out the words, barely louder than a whisper. "I want to do my articles and then volunteer so that it helps me to be a well-rounded individual so that the Bar may consider me."
He stilled for a moment. "What do your articles entail?"
She explained how she would be working in a huge firm, under some senior attorney and everything else she thought he might need to know. She told him all she knew about her articles and what she supposed her work would entail. With bated breath, she waited for his answer.
"No."
The finality in his voice made her want to cry. Everything she had worked so hard to achieve felt like it had gone to waste. All the hard work she had put into her studying, all the late nights, the early mornings and sleepless nights just to make sure she had passed, seemed like it was all pointless right now. It seemed as if getting her degree was a waste, now that she was unable to help anyone with it.
"Oh," she said with tears flowing freely down her face. She was defeated.
"Why do you want to work, sweet heart?" he asked her softly, he heard the defeat in her voice in that single syllable. He heard her heart break. He didn't want to hurt her or make her sad, but he couldn't see any appeal in making her work. He was working and his salary would be more than enough for the two of them and any family they would have in the future, In Shaa Allah. He could not understand why she would want to work. Did she not trust that he would be able to take care of them?
"Aahil, when I went to study, my aim in life was to help other people; to use my skills and give back to the community. It is what makes me happy. And then, studying for four years and not using what I have learnt to help other people will make me feel like I have wasted my parents' money. It will eat away at my conscience. I worked really hard to just graduate and I don't want to let it all go to waste." She sniffled and he felt his heart break at that.
"Why do you want to work?" he pressed on.
"Because it is what I am good at," she said. "I want to excel at it, Aahil. I want to be able to help people. It's not about making money to me; I trust enough in Allah to know that he will provide for me, but I want to be making a difference in someone's life. Besides, I am lonely at home and there is nothing for me to do all day," she said in a quieter voice.
"I can understand that," he said. "I do not understand it, but I can if I think about it and try to see it from your point of view. I just don't want you mixing with other men. I don't want my wife to be in the company of strange men. In fact, I do not want her near any man that is not her mahram. Sweet heart, there is no need for you to go out and work. Doing your articles is working, sweet heart."
"I cannot help who I work with, nor who I am assigned to," she said in a defeated voice, knowing that she was losing the battle.
"You know that out there in the work place there are so many other external influences that could affect you in ways that you would not recognise."
At that remark, she grew angry and annoyed. "So is that what you think of me? You think so little of me? You think that the work place would be the only place where the Western lifestyle will be imposed on me? You are wrong! You are wrong, Aahil. I was at a huge university, day in, day out my non-Muslim friends went clubbing and drinking and so many other things, but not even once was I tempted to join them. You're talking like you are not interacting daily with beautiful women who aren't even modestly or even appropriately dressed, but yet you fear what I would do in the company of males. Wallah, it's as if you do not trust me!" she huffed angrily.
He wanted to laugh, but he knew it would be disastrous to upset her even further. The distance between them made it difficult to gauge just how upset she was. "I do trust you Waliya. I do not trust the men that will be around you. You do know that if you do not take precaution to prevent men from having lustful thoughts about you, you are punished as well?" he asked her calmly. He needed to get her thinking rationally again.
She huffed in reply. She knew that, but she was far too angry to answer him respectfully.
"I take that as a yes," he said and then carried on speaking. "If our ultimate goal is to gain Allah's pleasure and enter Jannah together, how can allow other men to lust after you, even if you are completely innocent?"
"But then how am I supposed to utilise my skills, Aahil? How can I go further, without having my articles done?"
He sighed and she grew angrier.
"Is that what you want? For me to have wasted everything that I have learnt? To have wasted money like that? That is highly unfair, Aahil. I do not want to disappoint my parents, especially after all the sacrifices my father made for me, and all the hardships he went through to make certain that I passed, to make certain that I succeeded. How can I forget all the mornings my mother would come into my room with a mug of hot chocolate for me, or a steaming mug of herbal tea to calm my nerves? How can I just not even repay their sacrifices for me by not practicing law?" she asked him with tears that ran down her face, as she recalled all those moments. Cold winter mornings, before fajr when her mother would wake up and check up on Waliya, and then five minutes later she would walk in with one of Waliya's favourite mugs, a bar of Tempo chocolate and some almonds –to sharpen the brain she'd always say. Yet, the more Waliya tried to push down the thoughts of her mother coming into her room with the snacks to make her smile and ease the burden of her going to get her something to eat, more popped up. Memories of how her father would drop her off at six thirty in the morning because she was writing at seven o' clock, and he would stop at one small house shop to buy her some energy drink on their drive to her campus. Then, as she got out of the car, she'd lean over and press a kiss to his cheek, and then he would wish her good luck. With a nervous smile, she'd always reply, "I need more than luck for this paper, daddy. It is terrible."
He would smile comfortingly at her and then teasingly say, "Yeah you need more than a miracle to help you pass my daughter."
But when Aahil spoke and drew her back into the present moment. "No, Waliya. I do not want to cage you in, not in any matter or form. I just do not want men lusting after you, sweetheart," he tried to explain to her calmly.
She sighed, deeply annoyed. "You are circumventing your way around my question," she said as she brushed off the tears.
He was stunned, and then did the worst thing a man could do in that position. "What did you ask me?"
Waliya's mouth fell open in anger, she was simpering underneath the calm she was trying to keep, and cling hopelessly to. What did she ask him? What did she ask him? How dare he ask her that? Did he not listen to her? Gosh, how stupid was she, when do men ever listen in a fight? she thought angrily. Although, she answered him with thinly veiled anger.
"I asked you, Aahil, do you think so little of me?"
"No," he answered immediately. "You are not an immoral person, you are astoundingly modest, Waliya, but that does not mean that the men around you will be modest and man enough to respect your decisions."
"So, you're telling me that the women in your workplace respect your decisions and personal space?" she countered. In her heart, she knew he was right to an extent, but she too was right. She knew that if you were assertive enough, people learn to respect you even more. She knew that once you were strong enough in your decisions and forced people to respect your wishes, they would eventually succumb to that.
"Waliya," he sighed, he didn't know how to answer her without angering her further, but lying wasn't in his nature. "They have learnt that I do not talk to women unless I am forced to, sweetheart."
"See? That is exactly what I am saying, Aahil. They learnt. I have done that before, and I will do it again."
"Waliya," he said in a final tone. "I said no. You will not work. If you want to, go and do your community work but you will not work, and that is final."
"Fine!" she said grumpily and then greeted him before cutting the call.
Her heart was paining and she wanted to cry. It was the early part of the morning and she was curled up in bed, with a pillow clutched tightly to her chest. Tears were prickling the sides of her eyes, as everything she and Aahil spoke about was playing through her head. "Community work?" she sulked to herself.
She frowned, she loved doing community work, but it would in no way prepare her for being an actual attorney. It made her livid that he saw her as only a little girl. She was a tough little girl!
She twisted and turned, hoping that somehow she could sleep. But sleep wouldn't come. The thoughts disturbed her, especially the fact that she and Aahil had had their first fight. How could she sleep knowing that she said some pretty hurtful stuff to Aahil. She was upset and she said some unfair things to him, but he had also said some things to her that were hurtful. She did not doubt that he was faithful to her while he was away.
He was a good Muslim man, and that was one thing she knew he would do. However, it was the thought of the women that surrounded him that made Waliya uneasy and very angry. She knew that without a doubt, there would be women with short skirts and tight, tight form fitting blouses across their breasts enhancing it more than it should be natural. How could she appreciate the fact that cared about her enough to protect her from the men lusting, when he was surrounded by women that were at least ten or more times more beautiful than she was. Especially when they dressed to emphasise that point.
Waliya was furious that he worried only about her, but he blatantly circumvented the fact that he was surrounded by such beautiful woman. He told her what he thought would please her, but that wasn't what she wanted. She wanted the blatant honesty from him. With an annoyed huff, she tried to curb the guilt in her heart and sent Aahil an apology message and put her cell phone down, trying to ignore the fear of his reply and then faced the other end of the wall. Sending messages were risky. At least they were risky to Waliya, she was nervous to get the reply, to see what and how the other person would react to the words, especially after a fight.
Words could be interpreted in the wrong way, misconstrued and taken the wrong way. It all depended on the way they were read. Waliya knew Aahil was angry with the way she was being insistent on her working, but she also knew she was right in a sense. Everything she learnt in law school was important, and it was even more important for her to help others that truly needed it. It was imperative of her to be helping out in society, particularly because she had the skills to do so.
She groaned and grabbed her phone to see if Aahil had read the message. Before she even had unlocked her cell phone she forced herself to let all the anger dissipate and try and think of things from Aahil's point of view. But, her heart was hurting from the way he was so final with his answer, he hadn't even tried to take in her perspective.
With a roll of her eyes, she unlocked the phone and went on to the messaging site she used to send him a message. It had indicated that Aahil had read the message, but yet there was no sign of him sending her a message. Irately, Waliya locked her phone and went to sleep as the tears rolled down her face wetting her pillow.
An entire week went by and Waliya had not heard anything from Aahil. She was hurt and angry and extremely short tempered. Missing Aahil had taken a terrible toll on her, not to mention the way he was acting out since their fight. It hurt her beyond any words that could explain it. He had not called her, nor had he sent her any messages.
It was as if he had simply forgotten about her. The thought of him forgetting her, had her heart breaking in two. For Waliya, that was a sobering thought. Was it possible that she was falling for her husband? She discarded the idea with a scoff, and then turned her thoughts back to the fact that he hadn't made any effort in contacting her.
Why hadn't he contacted her? Was it possible that he was still upset over her wanting to work? Surely something as trivial as that would not cause such a huge rift between them. She was uncertain, and very emotional regarding that matter. Tears rolled down her face as she reached for her cell phone for the umpteenth time that day just to check if he had sent her anything. Nevertheless, there was still no message from him. There was no sign that he was alive.
Every message that she had sent him, indicated that he read it but to her complete disappointment, he had made no effort to reply. Each and every time she saw that, her heart felt heavier and heavier. The feeling of being unwanted gnawed at her heart. It sowed and reaped the seeds of doubt in her mind and heart. Was it possible that he had changed his mind about her after the few months that he has been away? Was she too much of a nagging wife? Was she too clingy, wanting to speak to him so much? Did he not like and approve of her sending him little cute messages and pictures during the day?
Gulping down her tears and fears, Waliya decided that it was best she starts preparing herself –mentally –for the eventual words that will send her out of his house once he returns. Maybe on his return, he would have brought a second wife and have her replace the small place Waliya had had in his life. The last thought sent a sharp slice of pain to her heart. She didn't want to leave him, but she would if it would make him happy.
Waliya thought about all she could do to make Aahil talk to her, but nothing came to mind. Over the last week, she had exhausted all her options. She didn't want to involve either of their parents. She knew that once her mother found out about the haunting silence between Waliya and Aahil, it was a sure fire way to sour their good relationship. Talking to his mother was out of the question too. It could complicate matters quite easily too.
Mothers in-law were a very complex type of people. Handling them had to be done with utmost care and respect, or else they could easily turn the tables on you and cause unlimited problems in the marriage for as long as she lived. Waliya was not about to gamble the fragile relationship she had with her mother in-law either, just to find out about Aahil. She wasn't certain what she felt for Aahil, but if she had any chance of staying in his family, it was best she played nice with his mother.
That left her totally and utterly alone while he was in Dubai doing what he did best. She couldn't believe that she was so sad over the fact that he was ignoring her. She couldn't believe that she was acting so clingy over Aahil, she couldn't even fathom why she was so worried that he was having doubts about her. This was completely new territory for her. All of these emotions and confusions made her a terrible mess of emotions.
From a slow stream of tears, it suddenly turned into a steady flow. She curled herself on the couch and dialled Jade. Jade was probably the only one who could cheer her up once she hit a stage so bad. Jade just knew what to say and what to do to make her feel better.
"Wals!" Jade said in a form of greeting. Jade was happy and excited and it already made Waliya a little happier knowing that at least her friend was in a good mood.
"Jade, can you please come see me?" she hiccupped as she wiped the steady stream of tears.
The static air of the cell phone crackled and Waliya heard Jade suck in a breath. She knew this was a bad sign. "What happened?"
Waliya gave Jade a brief explanation of what had happened and when Jade promised to be there in an hour, Waliya knew she was going to be in for some major problems.