⁰⁷ LEGERDEMAIN
❝ I'm bad, he's worse, we're already dead. ❞
― Ethel Cain, Inbred
"COVER THE BACK!"
The Center for Disease Control emblem was the first to enter the sight of everyone into the massive building. Harlene stumbled over the squeaky floors as Landon anchored her on her feet, instantly gathering herself and unlocking the safety of her pistol toward the dark lobby.
"Watch those doors!" Dale shouted. "Watch for walkers!"
The men surrounded the women and children in a circle of protection. It was a minute of silence that had everyone tense, observing the eery stillness. "Hello?" Rick's voice echoed through the absolute empty.
A clatter made them alarmedly turn to the noise, aiming at the potential threat. A machine gun was in the hold of a middle-aged man. Disheveled hair and unkempt impression, he stood far into the building under the shadows. Despite being outnumbered, he was carrying a daring expression. His bead-green eyes watched their every move, flickering back to the gates in case of any undead beast.
"Anybody infected?" The man questioned.
Rick shook his head, "One of our group was. He didn't make it."
At the unnecessary share, Harley stiffened. She stood straighter with a sharp grimace. Her aim was raised, wary of the machine gun, newly recovering from what she could only assume to be a panic attack.
"Why are you here? What do you want?"
"A chance." Rick slowly lowered his gun.
He was trying to be peaceful, but the CDC employee did not let that deter his defense, "That's asking an awful lot these days."
"What is the point of your job if not to help people like us?" Landon blurted out. "Why open the doors if you're going to send us back out?"
The man carefully eyed every single one of them. They shook with fear, some hardly containing tears, taking deep breaths of adrenalin. With pity, though warily, he dropped his guard. "You all submit to a blood test," He conditioned. "That's the price of admission."
"We can do that." Rick nodded. "Whatever it takes."
"Good. You got stuff to bring in, do it now. Once this door closes, it stays closed."
Their men bolted outside and fetched everyone's bags. T-Dog and Dale closed the doors after them. The CDC worker slid an ID card into a panel with some code entrances, having the shutters locked, and amassing them in safety. Everybody took a calming breath in.
They had made it.
Rick's intuitions were as strong as hers, Harlene knew now. In tired relief, her shoulders slumped as Daryl forwarded her duffel bag to her. She mumbled a thank you. The hopeful curve on Theodore's lips caught her eyes, but she could not return the grin, nodding in response.
"Rick Grimes." Rick broke the silence by forwarding a hand.
It was left unshaken. The man looked down at the hand of their leader and tastelessly muttered, "Doctor Edwin Jenner."
He led them to a large elevator, and they huddled uncomfortably. As if they were infected, the Doctor sank into a corner away from them, and Harlene noticed his nose scrunching to the stench of their clothes. She frowned between Glenn and Daryl's bodies. It was easy to reckon why he would be timid and distant to outsiders. But someone with a civil sense would at least try to reciprocate to common courtesy.
"Doctors always go 'round packin' heat like that?" Daryl's southern drawl vibrated in her ear, nudging his nose at Jenner's machine gun. It made her jump on the spot. She hadn't realized his proximity, so much that his crossbow's cold surface was pressing against her back.
It was his scent. That earthy cologne from the pickup.
She had to take a step forward, gently holding onto Sophia's bony shoulders. The little girl looked up at her with a smile. She appeared happy they had found someone to help them. Harlene smiled back at the child, but her improper thoughts didn't vanish.
"Oh, there were plenty left lying around. I familiarized myself. But you look harmless enough." Doctor Jenner replied. His eyes traveled to Carl as he attempted to lighten up the mood, joking toward him, "Except you. I'll have to keep my eye on you."
It didn't amuse anyone else but the boy.
The elevator went floors into the subsurface. Doctor Jenner directed the way once they got out, dismissing the claustrophobic queries from Carol. Landon offered the woman comfort instead, digging into his pockets to give her Valium. She swallowed it dry as they strode a long white corridor until it largened into a dome-like, circular hall. A ramp lowered to a ring of computers and high-tech devices.
"VI, bring up the lights in the big room," Edwin shouted. "Welcome to Zone Five."
Computers beeped and buzzed. Fluorescent lights blindingly flashed, revealing everything more transparently. And the most transparent thing about the room was how empty it was. When it should have been hundreds of people squirming around, working their lives off, trying to find a cure to this sickness, there was not a single soul.
"Where is everybody?" Rick immediately interrogated, taking his hat off. His voice echoed in the void, "The doctors? The staff?"
"I'm it." Edwind wandered to the center of the room. "It's just me here."
Dumbfounded, Lori questioned, "What about the person you were speaking with? VI?"
"VI, say hello to our guests! Tell them: Welcome!"
At a perfectly settled time, a robotic feminine voice rang through the building, "Hello, guests. Welcome."
"Virtual Intelligence," Landon realized with a sigh. His head dropped in frustration at the dismay this place was as Jenner sent him an impressed look, scrutinizing his abysmal manifestation.
"I'm all that's left. I'm sorry." He frowned at their disappointment. "Are you a doctor?"
"Nurse." The younger corrected. "How could you tell?"
"The way you act. It's good that you're here. You can help me venesect." Edwin nodded; he seemed relieved to meet a colleague after so long of working here alone. "Follow me this way."
Jenner gathered the required medical supplies for the blood test as they made their way to the auditorium. They settled in the bland room of white walls and black chairs, watching him set the equipment on a table. Harlene, perched between Sophia and Carl, caressed their backs over their anxiety at the sight of syringes. Their worried faces seemed to take the Doctor's attention, and he glanced at her, "Fear of needles?"
"They would feel better if it was Landon." She replied.
"That's you?" He looked at her brother by the door. "I don't mind. If anyone else feels the same, you can take their blood."
Glenn exhaled deeply, hanging his head, "Oh, thank God."
Landon unfurled his arms and took the gloves offered. He helped the tagging of tubes with names in his sloppy handwriting. On their turns after the kids and Glenn, who had needed Harlene to hold his hand as Landon talked him through it, he pulled his grandfather and sister before him, not letting a stranger doctor stick needles in their veins.
At last, Andrea sat in front of Jenner exhaustedly. "What's the point?" Her words dragged, feet tapping the floor. "If we were infected, we would all be running a fever."
"I've already broken every rule in the book letting you in here. Let me just at least be thorough." The syringe clicked as Jenner glid it out of her and put it aside, slipping his gloves out. "All done."
As soon as raising to her feet, the blonde woman nearly collapsed. Jacqui caught her at the last moment, glimpsing at the man with an underlying request, "She hasn't eaten in days. None of us have."
Jenner paused for a moment with blank eyes. "Well," He stood up. "Why don't I show you my hospitality as a thank you for complying?"
For the first time in years, Harlene prayed at dinner. She prayed with the words her grandmother would use in her father's strict manner. Dale watched her sadder than the rest, allowing her a momentary silence. Jacqui and Theodore were the only ones to accompany her through the moment of belief, closing their eyes and conjoining their hands.
"Bless us, O God. Bless our food and our drink. Since you redeemed us so dearly and delivered us from evil, as you gave us a share in this food, so may you give us a share in eternal life." She muttered hushedly, crossing her body like the crucifix of her necklace. "Amen."
"Amen," Dale repeated. He had never been so devoted, but he had fallen in love with a woman as such and hadn't had the heart to deter her from spreading her belief to their family. Had he been here, Ronald would join the prayer, but all Landon did was look away in a disturbance.
The loss of one of his grandsons had made the other lose faith.
Jenner brought wine bottles for their despair. Harlene only then believed his kindness and took a Merlot only for herself. In haste and appetite, their stomachs were soon swollen, laughter erupted from delighted throats, and liquor had toured the circulatory systems thrice.
They were having fun in safety, soundly chatting, forgetting about the world on the surface. An underground paradise. But the last time they had let loose in a deceptive bliss, Harlene remembered well what terrors had tumbled upon them. She couldn't laugh as genuinely.
Not when Amy's necklace was in the pocket of her cut-off jeans.
Glenn sat cross-legged beside her on top of the counters. Everyone else was perched around a large table amid the mess hall, so perhaps they were far to notice, laughing their worries away. But he saw her clouded eyes on the floor and bumped her shoulder with his own, "Hey."
She grinned at him tiredly, "Hey. Are you better?"
"Ah, yeah, I'm fine!" Reminded of his nauseated panic half an hour ago, he awkwardly grinned back. He just couldn't get used to blood. "Are you okay, Lee? You've been drinking like a boozer from Alcoholics Anon."
Glancing at the bottle in her clutch, she snorted, "If you think this is me drinking like a boozer, you should've seen me in college."
"Don't wanna imagine."
He had seen enough to know only when she threw her head back while laughter was she truly happy. Angry, she would depress it and work. Harlene didn't like showing vulnerability. And only when sad would she avoid opening up, like tonight, and blether meaninglessly.
But she dug into her pocket and took out something silver and shiny. "I wish she and everyone else we've lost were with us." She admitted. "It was Amy's. I carry it around to feel like she's still here."
Glenn felt himself die a little death. He gently took it from her palm and pushed her hair aside, clasping the jewelry around her neck. The pendant hung just above the crucifix and somehow made her feel conflicted. She had prayed, but would God protect them?
Was he even there?
Glenn smiled at her; she smiled back. For now, it didn't matter. She offered him the bottle, "Let's see if you're a lightweight."
The young man took the glass uncertainly, observing the brand sticker on the Merlot. In the background, their people were joking about Carl hating the taste of wine, and Daryl suddenly boomed, "Not you, Glenn!"
"What?" He raised his head with a confused grin.
"Keep drinking, lil' man! I wanna see how red yer face can get!"
Daryl's face was tauntingly rucked up, and while some found the mockery racist, the others banged on the table to motivate the young man. Glenn didn't mind, shy under the attention. With a nudge from Harley and some applause, he swung the bottle tip into his mouth and swallowed what was left. As the wine washed down his throat, he griped at its firey bitterness, and everyone hollered his name.
But the joy was not contagious to Doctor Edwin Jenner. The man sat away from them at the corner with a halfhearted face — as if waiting for them to finish their banter so he could get back to his business.
Rick noticed the man's dullness, so he stood up and clacked his knife to his glass, "It seems to me we haven't thanked our host properly."
"He is more than just our host!" T-Dog praised.
"Here, here!" Dale agreed.
It was rare to see Daryl joyous, the booze playing tricks on his attitude. "Here's to you, Doc," He saluted with a raise of his cognac. "Booyah!"
"Booyah!"
Rick gave the man a grateful nod, "Thank you."
Edwin humbly tipped his glass as a comeback. In the corner of his eyes, he could see the young woman who had prayed when they had first sat down, toying with her necklace and not even raising her head. He had heard everyone's name except hers. She was here merely physically, only until Shane spoke up. His voice seemed to snap her out of it.
"So when are you gonna tell us what's happened here, Doc? Hm? All the, uh... The other doctors that were supposed to be figuring out what happened? Where are they?"
"We're celebrating, Shane." Rick sighed at his partner. "Don't need to do this now."
"Whoa, wait a second. This is why we're here, right? This was your move. Supposed to find all the answers. Instead, we, uh..." Shane breathily, snidely chuckled. "We found him. We found one man. Why?"
Jenner looked offended. He took a moment to recover from the rootless blame before explaining, "Well, when things got bad, a lot of people just...left. Went off to be with their families. And when things got worse, when the military cordon got overrun, the rest bolted."
"Every last one?"
"No. Many couldn't face walking out the door. They...opted out. There was a rash of suicides... That was a bad time."
Silence whelmed inside. Not a single one of them was smiling now. With the uneasy atmosphere, Harlene leaped down the countertop to steal Landon's glass of beer and chugged the entire drink. The intoxication was sour, finally beginning to numb her, though it earned her a scolding glare from her brother as he yanked the schooner back.
"You didn't leave." Andrea pointed out. "Why?"
Jenner shrugged, "I just kept working, hoping to do some good."
Glenn followed after Harley to place the empty wine bottle on the table. He huffed at the excess of news and frowned at Shane, "Dude, you are such a buzzkill, man." He collapsed on a chair after rolling his eyes.
He didn't stay seated for long. They were reminded of the harsh reality, unable to rejoice again. They grabbed both the half and full bottles of alcohol and left the dining area. Jenner led them through the maze-like structure. He told them facts about the place until they arrived at a narrow aisle of small rooms for them to reside in.
"Most of the facility is powered down, including housing, so you have to make do here. The couches are comfortable, but there are cots in the storage if you like." Edwin clarified. He turned around to the children, "There is a rec room down the hall that you kids might enjoy. Just don't plug in the video games, okay? Or anything that draws power."
Sophia and Carl nodded compliantly. He smiled at their well-behaving and looked at the adults before taking his leave, "The same applies. If you shower, go easy on the hot water. Good night to you all."
"Hot water?" Glenn's eyes widened.
From one ear to the other, T-Dog grinned, "That's what the man said!"
Right behind them, the brightest smile blossomed on Harlene's face. It lit the entire hallway, making those around her unbelievingly turn to the girl. She hadn't smiled in such a way since Ronald's death. Harley threw her bag at Landon's chest and snatched the Pinot Noir in his hand, galloping down the hallway toward the showers, "Catch y'all later!"
Landon couldn't get mad; her enjoyment was infectious to her family. Dale, too, chuckled, "Oh boy, we're gonna have our hands full with her once she comes out. She is a terrible drunk."
Half agonized, half hopeful, it was how total filth dripped from her skin under running water — how long before she was bloodied again?
Harlene had taken the first turn before any of their fourteen numbered company could even look the way of the showers. She knew if she broke down while choking on the Pinot Noir, her voice would echo, wanting no one to hear how frightened she was of everything.
She had not been able to move before the shutters. She had lost her breath. When there was a palpable enemy, when she had to take what needed to be taken away, she could. Without anything else but desperation, nothing to harm, helplessness consumed her.
Strength was not anger. Being capable of killing slow, mindless beasts did not mean she could protect people. She was ashamed, because her focus had swayed, fooling her into believing that the prowlers were the problem. They had just been the beginning of chaos. There was more to hell than them. There were humans, the most selfish to ever walk this earth. There was her, perdition in the body of an angel.
If not strong, she could sacrifice.
She had never seen the role of the sufferer as a disorder; their father had taught them to be proud of it. Children fed on grief considered harm an amenity. She used to impair anyone daring to heckle her younger brothers. Her fury had ruined her academic career. She should have taken her father's path and become a soldier like Silas, because he, just like her, had taken after Arthur's wrath.
It took lives. Even that of one's own.
Emma's endurance and beauty inherited, Harlene did not seem like the descendant of something hideous. But Landon remembered her childhood, running around with a clump of hair in her fist, ripped from the head of their neighbor, who had insulted their mother.
"I'm not bad," She whispered the words Dale often reminded her. "I am grieved. I am enraged. But I am not bad; I try to be good."
By the time Andrea was sobbing in the next cabin, she had noticed her wine bottle empty, and Glenn and Theodore were drunkenly singing a ballad. She wrapped the towel she had hauled from the bathroom cabinets around her naked body, stepping out spotlessly clean.
Her reflection in the mirror told her of ruination; eyes sunken into their sockets, having lost a weight or five, tanned from the Georgia sun. Days of training had grown her muscles.
She had gotten ugly, but not enough to stop fearing.
After a long hour, they reached the end of the day. Some of them were fast asleep, Landon being one of them, exhausted from his time tending to Jim. He did dream of that man as yet another nightmare.
Andrea vomited her guts out and found herself comforted by Dale, but his fatherly attention was starting to feel irksome. Jacqui nursed her back to wellness. They closed their door for a lengthy slumber. Dale only then returned to their chamber and waited for his granddaughter.
Harlene arrived at him on the couch. He had kept himself awake to make sure she was alright. She mumbled a promise about it and took her clothes, returning to the showers to dress up. Sleep didn't come to her simply tonight, but it relieved her to see her brother getting rest.
Wet hair dampened her shirt's shoulders. Her socks were fuzzy on the carpeted floors, making her chuckle. Sensations as such felt far in the past. Now, she had every chance to enjoy them, even the most mundane things nobody would think of. She knew the worth of a soft pillow and a good book as she headed toward the rec room. Carol had just fetched Carl and Sophia out of there, running into the girl on their way back, "Careful, there, young lady. You are comedically swaying."
"That is what drinking does to you, kids." Harlene joked, reaching down to ruffle their hair. "How are you and your girl, Carol?"
"Better," Carol spoke truthfully. Her smile had evolved, free in its stretch and more sincere. "This place could be our second chance."
"Let's hope so. I'll pray again before sleeping, though unsurely."
Carol teared up so suddenly. She remembered the girl's prayer at dinner. It had stunned everyone. "You have a good heart, Harley. But your strength is all any of us need, not God. I'll try to learn from you." She sniffled and wiped her eyes with the back of her wrist. "Don't stay up too long. Lori's back in the rec room. Make sure she doesn't, too?"
"Of course." Harlene nodded, not knowing how to respond to the abrupt sentiment. "Sweet dreams."
"Thank you."
Carl and Sophia bid Harlene goodnight, treading before the buzzcut-haired woman. Carol used to keep it short so Ed wouldn't pull it while abusing her, and despite being young, her hair had grown gray from trauma. "Carol!" Harlene instantly turned on her heel at a thought, stopping them before they were out of sight, "Grow your hair long!"
Carol smiled.
Their disappearance left her tipsy. Emotions rushed through her blood, making the alcohol hit her brain harder. Harlene hooked a nail to the round band-aid left on her arm from the blood test, mindlessly carving it off her skin as she stumbled into the recreation room.
She had hoped for peace in there. What she found was far from it.
If the shouts and pleas didn't make her leap off the deep end, the sight of Shane's hand digging between Lori's legs did. He was forcing himself on her. He was the tainted, palpable thing to be taken away. Harlene didn't think before barrelling toward them and hurling a punch at his cheek with all her strength. Shane stumbled back with a groan of surprise, slamming against the wall, and Lori yelped at the sudden arrival. She felt relieved Harlene had caught them out of everyone, someone aware of their secret, yet still, the shame crushed her pride.
Harlene didn't even bother to curse his name. She clutched her sprained wrist to her chest and stepped back to the violated woman in search of any damage. Lori shook like a child, unable to see through her tears as she gasped for air. "Breathe, Lori! It's alright!" Harley begged, clutching the mother's shoulders. "Are you hurt?"
"No," Lori moaned, pressing her face into her palms. "No, I'm fine. He didn't hurt me."
"He should be put before everyone for this!"
"Says the bitch spreading her legs for a goddamn shit-kicker," Shane grumbled from across them, cupping his cheekbone. "God knows what they'd do if your family knew."
"Go on, tell them. Even if it were true, I'd be doing nothing wrong. You, on the other hand? I thought you would know since you used to be a cop, but people go to jail for this shit, asshole!" She swallowed over a dry mouth, pushing her disheveled hair away. "You'll regret this when you sober up, but it will be too late."
"Already do, Lee."
His head hung, eyes wide open, victim to his intoxication, also to the vile man he always had been. She could see the remorse, but what good was that after sinning? His tears wouldn't earn him mercy anymore.
"You better," Harlene spat. "Because if I catch you near her again, I'm telling everyone, and I am not fucking afraid of you, Shane."
I can be the backbone.
Harlene clasped Lori's wrist and dragged the woman out of the room, allowing her to cry on her shoulder till her knees shook from exhaustion. She tucked Lori in her bed and kissed Carl's sleep-stricken head, watching him stir in his shuteye on the grey sofa.
He reminded her of Ronald's childhood. So she told herself, I will be. She toured the residence hall, checking the open doors. T-Dog and Glenn had fallen asleep over vodka on the floor of their room, amusing her enough for a chuckle despite her absolute wreckage of nerves. She draped their flung blankets over their bodies and closed the door quietly. Dale was also asleep when visiting her family, lowering the AC's temperature to Landon's tossing and turning. She crawled on the cot and wiped the sweat in the crevices of his face and forehead, running her fingers through his hair to ease him. For a while, it did.
But the nightmares would deplete him again. She could not fight off wraiths and poison thoughts. They would bury everything lost inside themselves. She decided to drink in the meanwhile.
Doctor Jenner was clicking the keyboards of his endless computers when she entered Zone 5. Her reddened eyes and mess of a state told him all he needed to know. She was drunk, but not enough. When he met the young woman's eyes, he immediately pointed at the tables on the platform end, "There is a stash in the cabinet under that row."
"That obvious?" She huffed out. She was aware the Doctor was good at reading people. Anybody else would have believed Landon to be a junkie handing out pills instead of a medical worker. Harlene paddled to the row of tables and crouched, beginning to rummage. "How many of us came to you tonight drunkenly, Doc? I'll apologize in their stead."
"I understand. You haven't been living your best lives out there."
He could never understand. At least he tried to sympathize. Harlene whistled a happy tune to the bottles of whiskey and gin she found, dragging them out and lifting herself, "Why is there a shit load of booze all around this place? Were scientists such party animals?"
"We hadn't been living our best lives here either before I found myself alone." There was a hint of mockery in his sigh.
"Oh," She blinked. "I see."
Neither could she ever understand. They had gone through different torments, but at least she hadn't lived in a haunted house, and he hadn't had to constantly worry about his life.
"Why do you pray?" He asked, catching her before she could turn on her heels to leave. There was urgency in his question — as if he was desperate to know why she kept believing in a world turned to hell.
Harlene furrowed her brows for a second. The glass bottles clattered into each other in her right hand as her left thumbnail was chewed between her teeth. "I know it's hard these days," She spat out the chipped nail polish stuck to her tongue, wiping her thumb on her cotton shorts. "But I have to show my family there can still be faith."
Jenner almost seemed disgusted by her nervous habit before hearing her answer, "You are young and wise. But it's in vain."
"I'm not about to give up. Nothing has ended as long as we are alive."
A bundle of memories and dreams intertwined with appealing flesh, vigorous and stupid, she was everything expected from a young person. Jenner was glad she was thinking the way she did despite completely disagreeing.
"Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"Do you think there would be any acetone and nail polish around here, too? I've run out." Harlene wiggled her fingers in the air as a display.
"I cannot allow you access in there, but I'll check the sleeping quarters for the female employees." He agreed, amused.
"Thanks, Doc." She was about to take her leave again before hindering herself, "My name's Harlene, by the way."
Edwin tipped his head, "Goodnight, Harlene."
"Night."
Returned to the residential guest hall, Harlene was sure she had checked up on every door except the last one. It had been left ajar in the comfort of the late hour, light seeping outside. Out of curiosity, she tiptoed there, trying not to trip over her inebriety, and peeked.
She suddenly understood. All his fury, all his defense, that child of war, the wolf that bore its fangs, a suicidal boy in a man's body...
Daryl's back was adorned with pale blotches, crossed in long lines across his rippling muscles, hurting her just by looking. The scars told of a home on fire, rotten boyhood, and shaking fists in a knife fight. A cry clogged her throat. She hardly swallowed it and footed back before he could catch a glimpse of her shadow, hiding behind the door.
Closing her eyes and pressing herself to the cold walls silently, she listened to his shuffling as he dressed after a shower. I have to be.
He would prefer whiskey over gin. Harlene collected herself before knocking on his door and dangled by the edge. She could tell he had not expected anyone awake by his startled pivoting. He watched her set the bottle of whiskey on his carpet, "I'm sorry for Merle."
She didn't want to bother him. She didn't even step into the room; she would leave. He nodded gratefully, waiting for her to do so. But they both paused, staring at each other a moment longer before he gave up on chewing his dry lips and asked, "In the camp when you said if I came back, I'd 'ave somethin' to return to... What'd ya mean?"
Her brows arched. She would never foresee him remembering. "A friend. That's... That's what I meant." She stuttered. "A family."
How he looked at her tautened her shoulders. He had found it ridiculous, too romantic, but she would stand by her love for life. "It's not always by blood. We protect and care for each other." She defended. "We are a family that you came back to. Why?"
He had been wondering since returning. He could have fucked off as he had told he would — abandoned the group, fled the camp, and searched for his brother in the city and beyond. He hadn't.
"Dunno," He continued chewing his lips. He didn't wish to admit that she had been all over his mind while they were returning to the quarry from the chaos of Atlanta City. His lips were bleeding now, but with anxiety, he ran his tongue over the blood and resumed.
With a shake of her head, Harlene smiled, "Just don't eat your lips. Only a couple hours are left until breakfast."
"Ain't funny."
She didn't drink the gin. She wanted to remember the night. Harlene went back to the rec room, pressing the cold glass on her sprained wrist to numb its ache, reminding herself to never punch with that angle again as she lay on the woven sofas, and she was knocked out.
I want to.