Ram and Priya both had disturbed sleep that night. Priya's sleep broke multiple times whereas Ram barely slept all night. The pain of the heartbreak didn't let Priya sleep whereas extreme guilt kept Ram up all night.
Priya woke up with a bad headache. She somehow managed to brush her teeth and went downstairs to make some tea for herself.
Tarun saw Priya coming while pressing her forehead. She straight went to the kitchen. So he followed her.
Tarun: Bhabhi chai bana doon?
Priya: Nahi Tarun. Main kar lungi. Thank you
Tarun: Aapka sar dard kar raha hai main bana deta hoon. Aap baithiye.
Tarun had seen her cry yesterday multiple times and it broke his heart to see her like that so he wanted to take care of her. He knew that something happened that night Ram came home with Adi and Brinda because after that night his Bhabhi stopped smiling.
As the pain felt too much to handle Priya just nodded. Tarun started making some tea for her.
Priya: Tarun mujhe kuch baat karni thi tumse.
Tarun stopped whatever he was doing and looked at her.
Priya: I'm sorry. Pihu ne kal jo kiya bilkul thik nahi tha.
Tarun became confused.
Tarun: Pihu baby ne kya kiya?
Priya: Woh jo tumhe kaha ke Papa ko bolo mujhe baat nahi karni...uss baare mein bol rahi hoon.
Tarun: Ohhh...Bhabhi it's okay. Kuch bhi nahi tha. Pihu baby gussa thi toh bol diya.
Priya: Nahi Tarun. Woh nahi kar sakti aise. Bohot galat hai aur tum na inn sab baaton ko encourage nahi karna chahiye. Woh choti hai iska matlab yeh nahi hai ke kuch bhi karegi aur hum sabko maan lena hai. Agar Pihu galti kare toh usse samjhana hoga. Aur yeh responsibility tumhari bhi hai.
Tarun nodded lowering his head.
Priya: I'm sorry.
Tarun: Nahi nahi aap aise kyun...
Priya: Tarun...please meri baat samajhne ki koshish karo. Pihu ko kal hi tumhe bolna chahiye tha waha hi ke aise na kare. Aur yeh bilkul mat samajhna ke tumhara koi haq nahi hai usne daantne ka ya samjhane ka. Haan Pihu samajh jaati hai agar pyaar se samjhaya jaaye toh. Usse haq se bolo. Mujhe jis haq se bhabhi bulate ho ussi haq se.
Tarun felt his eyes getting moist.
Priya: Tumne baat ko tal diya woh bachhi hai isliye par mujhe bura laga. Pihu tumhe aise kaha isliye. Haan Pihu choti hai nahi samajhti itna sab kuch par woh aise behave nahi kar sakti. Hum mein se kisi ke saath bhi nahi. Aur Tarun main nahi chahti meri bachhi aise lad pyaar mein beh jaaye. Main chahti hoon woh sabki respect kare, ek achhi insaan bane aur main chahti hoon tum meri help karo ismein. Pihu ko na bolna shikhna hoga tumhe Tarun. Aur tum chinta mat karna koi tumhe kuch nahi bolega. Samajh rahe ho na?
Tarun nodded with his tears almost ready to roll down his eyes.
Priya: Aur haan ek baat aur...main chahti hoon Pihu tumhe sirf Tarun nahi Tarun uncle bulaye. Par main usse yeh bolke se pehle tumse baat karna chahti thi.
Tarun blinked back his tears in a jiffy and looked at her being a little confused.
Tarun: Kyun? Pihu baby toh mujhe pyaar se Tarun bulati hai aur maine hi usse bola tha.
Priya: I know tum ne hi bola tha aur mujhe bhi tab hi mana karna chahiye tha. Tarun aaj shayad yeh cute lagg raha hai par hai nahi. Pihu ko sabki respect karni chahiye unki age ka khayal rakhna chahiye.
Priya saw Tarun getting a little uncomfortable with everything.
Priya: Achha Tarun Uncle pasand nahi toh Tarun Bhaiya toh bula sakti hai na?
Suddenly she saw Tarun's eyes twinkle and a small smile forming on his lips.
Tarun: Haan yeh thik hai.
Priya chuckled softly and nodded.
Priya: Thik hai. Sorry mujhe tumse kal hi baat kar lena chahiye tha par...
Priya couldn't complete her sentence.
Tarun(giving her a sweet smile): Bhabhi main samajhta hoon. Aap jaake baitho please. Main abhi chai leke aaya. Yahan garmi mein aur baithoge toh sar dard badh jayega.
Priya(gratefully): Tum log ho isliye toh main thodi chain ki saans le paati hoon. Pihu ko akela sambhala hai maine itne din aur asaan nahi hai woh. Par tum log ho meri madat kar dete ho isliye ab itna pressure feel nahi hota. So thank you.
Tarun(feeling embarrassed): Nahi nahi bhabhi yeh toh kuch nahi hai. Hume achha lagta hai Pihu baby ke saath. Kal toh usne bohot help ki meri shopping karne mein.
Priya: Matlab?
Tarun: Hume jo jo chahiye tha unn unn shelf ke paas gaye aur Pihu baby ne cheezein basket mein daali. Choti hai. Usse jitna ho paya usne help kiya.
Priya: Haan Pihu bol rahi thi mujhe. Usse supermarket jaana bohot achha lagta hai.
Tarun(with a smile): Bhabhi aap tension mat lo. Pihu baby achhi bachhi hai.
Priya nodded with a small smile and went to sit in the living room. A little later Tarun came with a cup of tea with some biscuits, a strip of Paracetamol, and a roll-on balm.
Priya: Thank you Tarun.
She applied the roll-on and then took a sip of her tea. Tarun gave her a smile when he saw Ram also coming downstairs, rubbing his forehead.
Tarun: Sir main coffee laun?
Ram nodded so Tarun again went to the kitchen. Ram was about to sit on the one-seater just beside Priya but as soon as he met her angry eyes, he almost ran towards the other one-seater which was kept a little far from there. He swallowed hard and lowered his gaze as another wave of guilt and shame washed over him.
Priya looked at him from the corner of her eye and noticed that he was pressing his eyelids together while rubbing his forehead. At that moment, Ram opened his eyes and they met hers. He saw a flicker of care in her chocolate brown orbs just before she shifted her gaze. Ram kept looking at her, wanting her to at least look at him. He saw her eyes fall on the roll-on and she rolled it on the coffee table so that it could reach towards him. Ram caught it on time before it could fall of the table.
Ram(softly): Thank you.
Priya turned her head away from him. Ram stared at her for some seconds before applying the roll-on on his forehead.
Ram(softly): Priya? Yeh sab kya hai? Tum Suresh ko bol rahi ho mujhe Office drop karde. Tum aise roll-on pass kar rahi ho mujhe. Par baat nahi kar rahi ho mujhse. At least baat toh karo. Gussa karo mujhpe. Lad lo.
There was pin-drop silence for some seconds until Priya spoke up.
Priya(not meeting his eyes, sadly): Kya karoon Ram? Aapke jaisi nahi bann sakti na...ke gusse mein care karna bhi bhul jaun.
Taking her cup from the table, Priya stormed out of there and sat at the poolside. Ram felt his breath catch as she said those words to him but he knew her anger was justified and he deserved that behaviour. Tears came into his eyes as he saw her retreating figure.
Again she uttered his name but with so much sadness. Her beautiful smile, her joyful laugh, the glint in her eyes, everything was long gone.
Fresh tears came into Priya's eyes. She wanted to be strong but her heart was unhappy. She tried to blink back her tears but they somehow rolled down her eyes. Her heart wanted to scream and cry but she muffled her sobs so that no one could hear them. She wiped her tears and took some deep breaths.
Letting out a deep sigh, she looked upwards at the grey sky. It was a gloomy day, just like her mood. She saw the dark clouds wrapping their arms around the blue sky slowly but steadily as if to snatch its bright blue colour and replace it with its melancholic grey tone.
Ram saw her sitting there from afar. She didn't want to talk to him, he got that and decided not to pester her more. He wanted to be there for her. He wanted to wipe her tears and say sorry to her. He wanted her to feel better. He didn't want his Priya to suffer.
He could endure anything but her deafening silence was killing him inside. He wanted her to be angry with him, to shout at him, to hurt him the way he has hurt her. But he wasn't able to take her sadness anymore.
. . . . . . . . .
A little later, Pihu woke up and habitually drank her milk, sitting on Ram's lap while he had his coffee. All the while, Ram thought of ways to talk to Priya. He knew it would be tough but still, he wanted to try, not for him but for Priya. She needed to get her feelings out. She needed to talk. He didn't want her health to get worse.
Like any other day, they sat at the dining table to have breakfast together. They were all eating silently but suddenly Ram reached out for the tub of salted butter and took out a spoonful of butter. His eyes were on Priya. He was expecting her to get angry with him or to scold him for being irresponsible but unfortunately, she did nothing. Absolutely nothing. She saw him do that but she chose to silently eat her upma.
Ram was about to eat that but his eyes fell on Pihu and he saw her curiously looking at him.
"Tu kya kar raha hai Ram! Teri choti si bachhi hai. Ab toh kuch khayal rakh. Priya bhi thakk jaati hogi, irritate ho jaati hogi tujhe bol bol ke. Tu koi 4 saal ka bachha nahi hai. Adi sahi keh raha tha. Thoda responsible ho ja ab. It's high time. Itna saara butter khayega na toh buri haalat hogi.", Ram thought to himself as he kept the butter in its place.
He couldn't finish his sweet potato stuffed Paranthas anymore as he started to feel his stomach turn. He excused himself saying that he had some work to get done.
He went upstairs and drank some water in order to feel better but that left him feeling worse. He started sweating profusely and his head started feeling heavier by each passing moment. Suddenly he started to feel uneasy so he almost ran inside the washroom and started throwing his guts out. His head started spinning. Somehow he managed to clean the washbasin and sat down on the bathroom floor with his head between his thighs.
Ram started to feel heavily sick but more than anything else he felt ashamed. Ashamed that he didn't protect his Priya's dignity, ashamed that he failed as a husband and a father, ashamed that he didn't try enough. He started to feel suffocated by his guilt feelings. He wanted to go back in time and undo everything and save his family but he could never do that. He started to feel helpless. He covered his mouth with his palms and started to cry his heart out. He didn't want Priya to come and see him like that and feel more miserable.
Ram(in a cracked voice): Sorry Priya....I'm sorry.
He cried and cried and cried until he felt his throat paining. His head still felt heavy but he still stood up and decided to take a shower and get ready for office.
. . . . . . . . .
On his way to the office, Ram started thinking about whom he should talk to, and whom he could trust with such a sensitive matter because Priya is a very private person, and he didn't want to hurt her emotions by making it a public discussion. And he knew whom he should consult- Tara.
He quickly make a call to her attendant and made an emergency appointment in the afternoon. He needed to talk to her. She might give him some insight on how to handle the situation.
Taking a deep breath, he put on his airpods and played "Ghar" from 'Jab Harry Met Sejal'.
"Khaali hai jo tere bina
Main woh ghar hoon tera (x2)
Ghoomein phire…
Tu chaahe sab shehar
Tu hai mera… (x2)
Khaali hai jo tere bina
Main woh ghar hoon tera (x2)
Mujhpe kabse likha hua
Tera hi naam hai
Mujhme jo hai mera
Sabhi tera hi naam hai
Chaahat bhi tu meri
Aur haq bhi hai mera (x2)
Khaali hai jo tere bina
Main woh ghar hoon tera (x2)"
He closed his eyes reminiscing his happy memories with Priya- their first Karwachauth, their first Diwali, their first Holi, their first Mahashivratri...all of which stopped after the first one. They never got to celebrate anything after that together, not even their first marriage anniversary. His house would light up every year on Diwalis or other functions, but for him, it has always stayed arid and lifeless without Priya.
"O humse jaane kyun bewajah
Jalte hain faasley
Milna tere gale par mill rahe ye gale
Aaja mita ye jo hai faasla tera mera
Aaja mita ye jo hai faasla tera mera
Khaali hai jo tere bina
Main woh ghar hoon tera (x2)"
He wanted his Priya to be okay, to heal from the wound he had given her, to lessen her pain even if she decided not to forgive him and he was ready to do everything for that.
"Priya...main aise tumhe apni aankhon ke saamne tootte huye nahi dekh sakta. Tumhe jo zakhm maine diye hain, mujhe unhe bharna hai. Mujhe bass ek mauka chahiye tumse...bass ek.", Ram thought, wiping the lone tear that rolled down his cheeks.
. . . . . . . . . .
Priya was sitting on the sofa of their bedroom when Pihu entered after playing with Tarun for some time. She thought that her Mumma might have been feeling sad because she had to leave her to go to work but today her sad face made her suspect that it was not the reason. So she wanted to talk to her. She sat next to her and gave her a deep kiss on the cheek. Priya smiled at her.
Priya: Ho gaya? Game khatam?
Pihu: Haan Tarun ne mujhe pakad liya main jab table ke neeche chhupi hui thi.
Priya smiled at her and held her hand.
Priya: Baby aap Tarun ko na Tarun bhaiya bulaya karo. Woh bade hain na aapse?
Pihu(giving a nod): Haan par unhone hi toh kaha tha unhe naam se bulane ko.
Priya: I know. I know. But betu agar aap uncle or bhaiya or mamu aise bulate ho toh unki respect karna hota hai. I know ke aap unko pyaar se Tarun bulate ho par Tarun Bhaiya toh aur sweet lagega. Haina?
Pihu(with a smile): Haan woh toh hai. Mere paas toh sirf ek hi bhaiya hai Ishaan bhaiya. Toh ab do do ho jayenge. Haina?
Priya: Haan. Isliye bol rahi hoon. Maine Tarun se bhi baat kar li hai. Phir ab se aap unhe Tarun Bhaiya bulaoge okay?
Pihu nodded with a smile.
Pihu: Mumma aap sad ho kya?
Priya was taken aback by this sudden question.
Priya: Kyun Pihu?
Pihu: Aapne Papa ko nahi daant lagayi jab woh Morning mein butter kha rahe the. Aap gussa ho kya?
Priya knew that the time would come when Pihu would start noticing things but she didn't expect it to be that sooner. Now she was confused whether to tell her the truth in her language or to lie to her.
"Agar jhooth bolungi toh usse pata chalega ke sab thik nahi hai hamare beech aur kitne din jhooth bolungi jab sach uske saamne hoga. Par sach handle kar payegi kya Pihu? Mujhe bohot careful hona padega.", Priya thought and she felt a gentle tug from Pihu.
Pihu: Mumma?
Priya: Haan...haan...
Pihu: Bolo na...aap gussa ho kya Papa se?
Priya: Pihu woh...baby...umm...your Papa and I had a chotu sa fight.
Pihu's face fell immediately after listening to that.
Pihu: Fight? Kyun?
Priya: Woh toh nahi bata sakti.
Pihu: Kyun?
Priya: Kyunki woh hum jaise bade logon ki baat hai aap nahi samjhoge Pihu.
Pihu: Nahi main toh big girl hoon. Mujhe sab samajh aata hai.
Priya: Haan mujhe pata hai meri Pihu bohot samajhdaar hai. Par baby kuch kuch fights na Best friends ke beech hota hai aise. Best friends wale fights. Aap ko yaad hai kuch maheeno pehle aap mujhpe bohot zor se chillaye the kyunki mujhe aapko play school se ghar laane mein late ho gaya tha?
Pihu nodded sadly.
Priya: Toh maine bhi aapko daanta tha aur aapne bhi mujhe. Par yeh baat maine sirf aapke Papa ko batayi hai aur kisiko nahi. Jante ho kyun?
Pihu: Kyun?
Priya: Kyunki yeh best friends wale secrets hain. Yeh jo hamare beech fights hoti hain woh sirf hume hi pata hona chahiye aur kisiko nahi. Aap, aapke Papa aur main...hum teeno best friends hain. Aur kuch kuch time hamare beech secrets honge jo hum ek doosre ko bhi nahi batayenge. Okay?
Pihu sadly nodded.
Pihu: Aap dono best friends ho toh fight kyun ki?
Priya(with a smile): Best friends hain iska matlab yeh nahi ke hamare beech fights nahi honge. Aap aur maine bhi toh fight kiya tha. Hum dono bhi toh best friends hain.
Pihu(sadly): Haan woh bhi hai. Aap dono ne sorry nahi bola ek doosre se jaise hum dono ne sorry bola tha?
Priya(nodding): haan Sorry bola hai. Par baby kabhi kabhi fights thode garbadi ke ho jaate hain. Toh unhe suljhane mein time lagta hai. Hamari fight ko bhi iss liye sulajhne mein thoda time lagega. Samajh rahe ho aap?
Pihu(nodding): Haan.
Priya: Baby everything will be fine. Aapko bilkul stress mat lo. Hum dono aapke saath hain aur aapse bohottt pyaar karte hain.
But this time Pihu didn't give a nod to Priya and that made her feel tense.
Priya: Pihu I promise baba sab thik ho jayega. Aur hamari yeh fight bhi khatam ho jayegi. Aur hum sab happi happi ho jayenge. Bass hume thoda time chahiye. Yeh Best friends ke jhagde na bohot ajeeb se hote hain. Jaise hamara hua tha.
Priya was telling this to her little daughter but in her heart, she also wished for it to be true. She wanted her problems with Ram to end so that they could again live happily with their little munchkin.
Priya: Okay?
Pihu: Sab thik ho jayega na Mumma?
Priya: Hmm...thoda time do. Sab kuch thik ho jayega. I promise. Aap bass thoda time de do hume. Hum sab kuch sort kar lenge.
Pihu(sadly): Okay.
Pihu knew her Mumma never breaks her promise and even if sometimes she fails to do that she always makes up for it. So she believed her.
Priya: Par ismein ek baat hai.
Pihu: Kya?
Priya: Yeh best friends wali baat sirf aap, aapke Papa aur mere beech ki baat hai. Kisi aur ko nahi batana hai okay?
Pihu nodded.
Priya: Aur soch lo ke aap ki kabhi kisi se fight hui ya kuch bura laga kisiki baaton ka ya kuch bhi ho jisse aap pareshan ho tab aapko mujhe ya apne Papa ko batana hai okay?
Pihu nodded.
Priya: Pihu hum dono aapke saath hain hamesha, aapko protect karne ke liye, aapko happy rakhne ke liye aur hum chahte hain ke hamare beech sab thik thak ho. Okay?
Pihu again nodded. Priya kissed her forehead and took her in a warm hug.
Priya(caressing her hair): Sab thik hoga. Hum teeno saath hain toh koi mushkil aisi nahi hai ke hum milke solve nahi kar sakte. Haina?
Pihu: Haan. Sab thik ho jayega Mumma. Jaldi.
Priya kept caressing Pihu's head while hoping that her daughter's wish comes true.
.
.
.
.
'Guilt' is such a complex process and it takes time to develop also when you start to realise what big of a mistake you have made. Sometimes it is followed by Shame which is of course another complex emotion. Although Guilt makes us feel suffocated, it also motivates us to do better and be a better person and that's something happening with Ram right now. He is taking steps to make the situation better.
Priya is person who always suppresses her emotions. She doesn't normally vents out her pain and keeps everything inside her. And it keeps building up until it becomes too much to handle and finally she erupts like a Volcano.
I know it may seem like I'm streching it but honestly this time the matter is way too sensitive. So it'll take time for them to resolve the issues and find their ways back to each other.
Hope you all liked the chapter!