She punched one of her pillows, but it wasn't nearly satisfying enough. She needed something more destructive, so she twisted and tugged and clawed at the silky fabric, hoping for a dramatic rip and a spray of feathers.
But pillows were a whole lot tougher than she realized they could be.
Keefe gave her another reassuring shoulder pat--but when she flung the pillow aside and buried her face in her hands, she heard him growl something that sounded like "screw it". Then his arms wrapped around her and she sank into the hug, not realizing she was crying until she felt her tears soak into his tunic.
"It's okay," he murmured into her hair. "I promise you, it's all going to be okay."
"How can you say that? Nothing about this is okay."
Keefe's arms tightened slightly. "You don't have to go through with this. We can stop searching. I promise, you don't have to do this."
"And if I don't, what then? I would stay unmatchable. It's not only Fitz, it's anyone. I'll be stuck single forever."
"I already told you, anyone who really cares about you won't care that you're unmatchable."
"That's easy for you to say," Sophie argued. "But I imagine if it actually affected you, you would care. It's so much worse than choosing not to register on principle. No one will want to be with the unmatchable girl."
"I would."
The words were so tentative, his voice so quiet, Sophie almost didn't catch them.
She straightened up to look at him. "You would be with a girl even if she was unmatchable?" She asked incredulously. "What, just to make your dad angry?"
Keefe stared at her for a moment, his cheeks faintly pink. "Not just any girl," he mumbled, looking away.
"I don't understand," Sophie said.
Ro's quiet "ugh, seriously, Blondie?" made Sophie jump. She'd forgotten Ro was there.
Keefe shot a glare at Ro and removed his arms from around Sophie. He looked down at his hands. "I would be with you. I don't care about the match. That wouldn't stop me."
Sophie's mind was blank. He couldn't possibly mean that how it sounded.
"I appreciate you trying to make me feel better," she began.
Keefe met her eyes at last. His face was set, determined, but also sad. "I do hate seeing you so upset," he said quietly, reaching out to wipe the tears off her cheeks. "But mostly I just felt like you should know. You do have options. I would choose you. Why do you think I told you I haven't registered? If you wanted to be with me I wouldn't have any need. I wouldn't bother. And I wouldn't even think twice about it."
Sophie blinked. And stared. And tried to make sense of what he'd just said.
She knew he could feel her confusion but must have decided to give her a moment to try to process what he had just told her.
Ro was less patient. "Seriously? Hunkyhair finally admits he's in love with you and you don't say anything?"
"I—" was all Sophie managed to say. She couldn't even form words. Love? Ro couldn't be serious.
Keefe sighed. "The part of you that believes me is in shock. The other part of you is still trying to come up with some other explanation for what I just told you."
"You mean...if you were Fitz, you would choose to stay with me?"
Ro groaned.
"Well...I would like to think that my best friend has enough sense not to lose a good thing because of matchmaking, yes. But Sophie, I'll make it clear."
Keefe, with no trace of joking on his face, placed both hands on her cheeks, holding her face, making absolutely sure she held his gaze while he spoke. "I want to be with you," he told her, slowly and deliberately. "I've liked you from the moment we met. You think being different is a bad thing, but it's not. It's part of what draws us to you. Dex, and Fitz...and me too. But at least for me it's not just because you're different, it's because you're you. This brave, strong, beautiful, considerate girl sitting in front of me." He paused, removing his hands from her face. "I just want you," he added in a whisper.
Too many thoughts and emotions to name were swirling around in Sophie's brain.
"Why have you never told me?" Sophie finally asked.
"I've almost told you so many times," he admitted. "But sometimes I chickened out because I know how you feel about Fitz, and other times we were interrupted. And now you've started dating Fitz—" a spasm of pain crossed his face—"and I just want to be a good friend, to both of you. I didn't want to complicate things."
"But you...you hid it so well. I had no idea."
Keefe snorted. "That's because you're you."
"Oh...is that why you acted so weird when you told me you knew about Fitz and me?" Had he been...jealous?
"I'm sorry about that. I promised you that you would never lose me, no matter what happened, and then the moment you chose Fitz I nearly pushed you away."
Understanding was starting to dawn on Sophie at last.
When they'd been in Alluveterre and he'd told her he'd wait to go into Ravagog—he'd wait until dawn for her.
All the times he'd outright told her she was cute.
So many little hints, little clues. He hadn't just been teasing her. He'd been flirting. She just hadn't seen it for what it was.
And what now? What about her feelings?
She couldn't pretend they weren't conflicted.
Just as she was making connections and realizing all the times he'd been flirting—all the times he seemed like he was about to say something and change his mind—and at least one time where, looking back, she was certain he had been about to kiss her—she was also thinking of the way she reacted to them.
So. Many. Flutters.
She had avoided admitting that to herself, but Keefe made her fluttery just like Fitz did.
But what did that even mean?
Just yesterday, when she'd gone to see Keefe and his hair was all beachy and he looked so good...but it wasn't just that.
He'd been kind and understanding and...
Oh. Surprised and a little sad when he realized she'd chosen to register.
Because he knew she'd only done that for Fitz.
Ouch.
And yet...he'd still been kind. He'd still offered to help her find her genetic parents.
He was helping her be with Fitz even though he had feelings for her?
Somehow that just made Sophie more confused, as her heart swelled with affection for Keefe.
"Okay, see, the problem with being an empath is that I can read your emotions, but I can only guess at what thoughts are causing them. Usually I do a pretty good job because I know you really well, but right now...I really need to know what you're thinking." Keefe looked...miserable. Scared, vulnerable.
"I'm just confused. I had no idea."
"Confused is good," Ro chimed in. Keefe cringed and shot Ro another glare. "No, Hunkyhair, I'm going to speak up now," she said, striding closer to where Sophie and Keefe were sitting. "Confused means you've finally realized that the teal-eyed Wonderboy isn't the only one you have feelings for, right?"
Sophie blushed, but didn't answer.
Ro sighed. "Hunkyhair, what is she feeling right now?"
Keefe dragged a hand through his hair—and somehow looked even better than before.
Not that Sophie should be thinking about that.
Then again, maybe she should.
"Mostly really confused, obviously. And...a little bit of guilt? And then, there's that weird fluttery feeling like yesterday."
"Oooh, let's go with the flutters. Why do you have flutters?"
"I...think I'd rather talk to Keefe about that." Actually, she'd rather crawl under her covers and wait for them to leave and never talk to anyone ever again, but that didn't seem to be an option.
Ro rolled her eyes, but Keefe told Ro that Sophie was right. Ro grudgingly stomped towards the door to wait in the hall with Sandor.
But she took one last parting shot as she did. "I think it's time to just kiss the girl already," she called to Keefe. "And Blondie, don't even pretend you're not imagining it now."
Keefe blushed slightly, and Sophie groaned.
Unfortunately, Ro was right.
She couldn't stop herself from picturing it.
So. Many. Flutters.
Keefe's lips tugged up into a half smile. "Interesting mood shift there, Foster," he whispered.
He reached one hand out and placed it on her cheek, looking at her intently. Her heart started racing, but Keefe didn't lean in. He simply said, "I wouldn't do that. You're confused enough already without me making it even more complicated—and potentially really humiliating if you refused. Plus, even if it's not official, you are basically dating Fitz. I would never try to kiss the girl dating my best friend. I wouldn't do that to him." He paused, looking away, before adding in a whisper "no matter how much I may want to."
The problem was, Sophie kind of wanted to also.
And she wasn't really sure what she was supposed to do with that revelation.
She could see how smooth, how easy things would be with Keefe.
She could forget about finding her genetic parents. Forget the worries of being unmatchable. And Keefe, she knew, would be a really good boyfriend. He was kind, and funny, and incredibly loyal. And he listened. When she told him what she was thinking and feeling, he really listened and he cared.
Things with Fitz were already complicated and confusing and uncertain.
But Keefe had also left. He'd stolen from her and left, and time and time again refused to come back with her when he'd had the opportunity. But he'd had a really good reason for leaving, even if it had still been a mistake. He had done the wrong thing, but for the right reason.
And he had already admitted that it was a mistake.
The problem with Keefe was that he didn't think he was worth worrying about. He did reckless things because he figured he was expendable.
But he wasn't. She already didn't know how she'd ever be able to live without him. How could she risk opening up her heart to him if he wasn't going to take care of himself? If his default reaction remained to either self-sacrifice or run away?
He could end up hurting her very badly if he ran away again. How could she trust him not to?
But then...he always seemed to come through for her. Even when he was with the Neverseen, he was there for her, again and again.
But then also...Fitz. She'd liked Fitz for ages. And never thought she stood a chance, but then he'd admitted that not only did he like her, but he really liked her--wanted to be with her--was desperate for her to be on his match list.
And he was sweet, and thoughtful, and made her melt when he flashed one of those movie-star worthy smiles at her. And his parents were some of Sophie's favorite people in the world, and Biana was one of her best friends. And she and Fitz had grown so close, both as friends and Cognates. She trusted him with her life. Trusted him more than anyone. Even more than Keefe.
Or did she?
On the one hand, she trusted Fitz implicitly. She knew she could rely on him to keep her safe, to look after her especially when they were working together and fighting the Neverseen.
But she hadn't trusted him with being unmatchable. She had gone to Keefe with that information. Why hadn't she gone to Fitz?
Was it because she was afraid he wouldn't want her enough to risk being a bad match?
She didn't trust him enough to believe that he would choose her.
And she trusted Keefe. He had saved her life and fought by her side. She knew he wouldn't make her feel worse about being unmatchable. She knew he'd be exactly what she needed.
So she trusted both boys. And also, didn't.
This was so confusing it was ridiculous.
Meanwhile, Keefe sat silently as these thoughts crammed into her brain, flitting through so fast she could hardly comprehend them.
Mercifully, he moved his hand from her face and scooted away from her so that they were no longer touching.
Although, that drove home the point that she struggled to think straight when he was close.
Again...that had to mean something.
"Say something," Keefe begged. Guilt struck Sophie's conscience as she realized the agony she must be putting him through.
So Sophie offered a tremulous smile. "I'm just really confused now. I felt so sure of my feelings for Fitz--that was all I could see. I didn't realize..." she took a deep breath and looked away. "I didn't realize I had feelings for you too. And...I don't know what I'm supposed to do now."
"Confused is good. I'll take confused. It means maybe I have a chance." Keefe said it, apparently, almost without thinking, because he blushed again after he said it. Then after a pause, he added, "I'm sorry, though, that I've confused you. I promised I'd stay out of it and I guess I just broke that promise."
"You promised? Who? Fitz? Did he know?! And he asked you to stay out of it?"
"No, Fitz doesn't know. It doesn't matter. I just...swore I would let you be happy. And I promise you, no matter what you choose, I will support you. I just want you to be happy. Even if it's not with me."
"And that's one of the sweetest things I've ever heard, and it makes it all so much more confusing."
Keefe chuckled. "Listen. I came here to discuss your genetic parents. I'll keep working on my lists, and if you decide to stop, just let me know. Even if it's not for me. In fact..." he closed his eyes and it looked like the next part was painful to say. "You need to tell Fitz. Today. When I leave, you need to go see him and tell him. I know the match is important to him, but I really think he'll do the right thing. You are more important. Just trust him. He may be surprised, but he'll come around. He won't care that you're unmatchable."
"You're unmatchable?" came a voice from the doorway.