Why do I want to share my experience of becoming a widow? Why am I so open about my life? Because I want to help others see that they aren't alone in their journey. By letting people see my heart, I hope my story can help one person choose to put one foot in front of the other and move forward, help one person choose life, or help one family decide to stay together through illness. This will make it all worth putting myself out there.
You may not agree with all my thoughts and views, but this is my experience. This is my story including the choices that I have made. I am a firm believer that what is good for one person may not be what is good for the next. This book is written to share my story of love, heartache, motherhood, and widowhood. I wish love and growth to all!
I want to start in the beginning. I was raised in a small town in Oklahoma by wonderful parents who showed us three kids the meaning of love and family. They gave us an amazing example of what true love is and will soon celebrate their 52nd anniversary. As a child, I remember Mom kissing Dad bye each morning at the door, and she was standing on the porch waiting for him to park his work truck each evening. Us kids would eagerly race to see who got to hug him first. We fought over who got to unlace his work boots and take them off. We held hands and prayed before each meal. We had family time playing games or dancing in the living room to records on the record player, and we had picnics at the lake.
As teenagers there was always room for more; we had several friends over the years who needed a stable home and lived with us for periods of time. We went to church every time the doors were open which instilled strong morals in me.
I met a boy at school when I was thirteen years old and fell in love with him. After being best friends for three years, we dated for almost seven. He ultimately broke my heart, and I became someone that I didn't like. I had a large group of "friends", and we spent every night of the week at the bar. I grew apart from my family, no longer made time for God, and I drank until the sun came up most days (who needs sleep at that age?). I was always looking for the next party or bonfire, going from bar to bar playing on dart league, or looking for the nearest place with karaoke.
Until he walked in that is. I was 28, living in a party house, and was content being single. I had dated here and there but nothing too serious. My life completely changed when I met Michael. I was sitting at a table in the local bar with some friends when he walked in. Our eyes met and I knew that I was going to love him. I told my friends, "That's the guy that I am going to marry". They laughed because we had never even spoken, but I knew. It was a feeling that I honestly can't put into words.
That weekend he came to the bar again. I had told myself that if he did, I was going to get a few shots in me and go introduce myself, but I didn't have to. He went to the bar to get a drink, asked the bartender about me (she happened to be my roommate), and came right over to talk to me. I was sitting bellied up to the outside bar in the beer garden with some friends when he approached me. He bought me a drink and we chatted the night away until closing time. Afterwards, we went to a party at the lake, and when he brought me back to my car that night, he asked for my phone number. We went on our first date on September 5, 2004. On our way back to town he said that he wanted to take me to his place to show me his lawnmower that he had painted. I was like "Yea, right. He is going to try and sleep with me, and it will ruin this perfect night." But he didn't! Y'all, he seriously wanted to show me his lawnmower! It was red with black flames on it, and after that night we were inseparable. I moved in with him 2 weeks later and we lived together for four years before getting married.
He. Was. Amazing.
He was kind, loved to cook me breakfast (omelets were his specialty), played guitar and sang to me. His eyes lit up when I walked in a room.... I was a smitten kitten. I would pull up in the driveway after work, walk up to the front porch and take a seat. I knew that once I opened the door, he would stop playing his guitar because he thought the noise bothered me. It didn't. He played beautiful music that made my heart smile. I have a feeling that he could have been playing a tin can and I would have been in awe.
He never failed to make me feel special, from bringing me home flowers and gifts unexpectedly, to leaving me love letters on the table. His expression of love was a welcomed and beautiful thing. He was like no other man that I have ever dated, and I was continuously appreciative of the attention that he gave me. He loved me in a way that I never thought possible or felt deserving of. He changed the direction of my life, and me.
We bought a little house and life was good. I wanted to get married, and he would have been fine living together for the rest of our lives. I was standing at the kitchen sink one day doing dishes when Michael walked in and asked, "What's wrong?". I turned around and said "I am getting married. You can be the groom or a guest". He looked so nervous when he said, "When are we going to do this?". We picked out our rings together and decided on a small intimate ceremony. When my parents heard the story about me telling him that he could be the groom or a guest at my wedding, my dad took him aside and told him that he didn't have to marry me if he didn't want to. He said "Oh, I do want to marry her". We tied the knot on Valentine's Day 2009 in a little log chapel in Forsyth, Missouri. I will never forget the love in his eyes standing at the altar that day. He made the right choice.
Six months later I got the baby bug. Michael did not want children. He was an only child who lived part of the time with his dad in Maine, and the other part in Texas or Oklahoma with his mom. He did not want to chance his children having to live in a broken home and attend multiple school systems. After a few deep discussions, we were driving around Lake Tenkiller one day when I brought the subject up again. This time he agreed. I was so nervous driving home to Eufaula knowing that we were going to make a baby, but at the same time I was extremely excited. It happened that day. I know this because the next morning I started having doubts. I couldn't imagine myself pushing a tiny human out of my body and the immense pain that I would have to go through. I told Michael that I no longer wanted to have a baby and he was so relieved. A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. I was at work that day and realized that I had not had my period. I went to the pharmacy to get a pregnancy test and when it came back positive, I was in shock. When I told Michael that evening, he cried and hugged me so tightly. I had not expected him to be so excited, but he could not wait to be a dad. That was a long pregnancy after finding out so early in the first trimester. I had evening sickness, craved mashed potatoes, Arby's roast beef sandwiches, and cranberry juice. Michael spent his spare time in the basement playing guitar, and I spent mine in the recliner napping. Logan was born on May 21, 2010, at 8:31 P.M. After 32 hours of labor, I had an emergency C-section. He was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen. My mom talks about how you could see the love in Michael's eyes each time he would look at Logan. She kept him while we worked and when Michael would pick him up, she says he would hold him really tight to his chest for just a few moments. That little boy lit up our world and made our family complete. Again, Michael made the right choice.