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We finally had departed from the airport.
We were on our way back to Manhattan. Our few days of vacation were pure bliss. Arlo and I got to spend the time together just exploring, eating and chatting.
A break like that was desperately needed by the both of us after long months of constant distress our individual families had caused us.
Now we were back to face reality and for Arlo that meant literally. I had cut ties already with my family and Marlin was getting the short end of the stick on social media. I feel like he won't be contacting me any time soon since his fight with Arlo.
Out of all this, I unexpectedly had my instagram flooded with comforting and nice messages from saintwear lovers down to soccer fanatics who were apologetic about the situation... And honestly it felt great. Finally being heard after being silenced for what felt like ages.
Cutting off my family and muting their messages so I wouldn't have to hear or see a thing has been therapeutic as well. I can for one, do everything I want to do and not what other's want me to do.
Inside the car the air was rough, it was tense as Arlo's mind raced with never-ending pondering. I sat in the passenger seat restless and I bit on my nails, just because this isn't my battle doesn't mean it's not affecting me too.
My Arlo, the man who has saved me time and time again is going through his own shit and it makes me just as worried. I want to be there for him every step of the way like he was every step of the way for my downfalls.
If he allows me too of course. And happily he is, he told me he won't push me away this time. Arlo is so used to fixing and helping other people, he forgets about himself.
But that's where I come in.
As we were in the moment i remembered he has a bad habit of driving fast as if there's nothing else in the way of life. That fact is highlighted when any slight twitch on the wheel makes the car jerk slightly in different directions.
My eyes gaze to the wheel with discomfort.
His hands are shaking and its justifiable, he's angry thinking about his mother possibly choosing her marriage over choosing her children and her own happiness.
What's not justifiable is the fact that he's speeding when we're on main roads and despite the fact that it's midnight, anything can happen. New york has equally reckless drivers on the road.
The non-stop plane ride to new york from cali that we boarded was one that landed around ten-thirty. Getting our luggage was another half hour and having valet find our parking in the airport parking lot was another hassle.
It's now a little over twelve AM. These specific roads happen to be surprisingly empty but that doesn't mean any car or anything couldn't just appear suddenly, especially since he's over the speed limit.
"Arlo." I pause, trying to keep my voice steady but my eyes are widening in panic just looking at the way the street lights pass the window in an instant. It gives me a sense of motion sickness since my eyes cannot keep up.
I get no answer. I turn my head and he's staring dead ahead, dark eyes a little darker than usual. He's not listening to me, I don't even think he heard me despite our distance. "Arlo, slow down." I declare, louder, a little more panicked.
Absentmindedly my hand out of fear gives him a slight nudge on his bicep but he doesn't budge.
"Arlo, fucking slow down!" I yell this time and this time he looks at me, his eyes full of despair and confusion. I give him a stern look, eyebrows frowned and my lips turned downwards and that's when he gets out of his head. He attempts to slow down and pulls to the side of the road.
Still holding the wheel when he comes to a full stop I grab the gear to his car and push it up to park, pissed at this point. I fall back against my seat with my nose trying to breath in as much air as I can. The anxiety of the moment makes the air feel thick, I lower the window and let fresh December air flow in.
"Seriously what the fuck, Arlo?" I shouted, my hands going up to grip my curls. My chest heaving as I realized how uneasy I was. He lets go of the wheel slowly as he turns to face me. Eyes glossy and his eyebrows falling into an arch. His chest begins to hiccup and not soon after, Arlo breaks down crying.
"I'm sorry Val, I just don't know if I can do it." He sobs as his head falls into his hands, his body tense and full of pressure. He's shaking his head and his voice sounds raspy with the words he releases.
"Do what?" I murmur with curiosity. I hug my own skin, attempting to shield it from the cold air while I press the window button on the door to raise it back up.
I then reach my hand over to rub his broad back in comfort despite my confusion and little annoyance at the danger he could've caused us. He sighs with a heavy breath that makes me upset even thought I have no clue what's going on.
"Confronting her..what if she chooses him? What if she dares to look in my eyes and tells me she rather stay married to him than get a divorce. All I want is my
mom and my sister to be free of the empty lies and pain." He whispered, like he was trying to deflect the reality that was ahead of him.
"Arlo," I start off as I reach over the center console of the car and wrap my arms around his body. His cologne strong in my nostrils as I cozy my head on his arm. "If, she chooses him you got to think straight and help yourself and your sister. If she makes that decision you need to choose yourself and plan out how you can take Angela out of the situation and protect both you and your sister's peace." I advise, running my hand along his spine softly.
"Val, I've never chosen myself. I feel as if that concept is almost foreign to me." He admits as his breathing gets heavy, like the air is limited in this space.
"Arlo in a way the proposition you gave your mother about choosing your father or a divorce, was you choosing yourself. You're trying to end this cycle that seems endless. So don't ever say you never did it, cause you did."
he sniffles as he raises his head so that his droopy eyes are looking at me, tears falling gracefully onto his cheeks and sliding down his rosy lips. Even when he's vulnerable I can't help but admire him and his every feature. I bring the pad of my thumb up to wipe at his cheeks, feeling butterflies when his eyes are still on me.
"You're right. I want to be happy and my happiness is with you Val. If anything goes the other way at least i'd have you.." He says as he brings his hand to cup my cheek. I hold my hand to his for a moment.
"Likewise Arlo but you can never fucking do that again. Your safety and mine mean a lot and even in situations where we feel like we're at our lowest, you can't just become impulsive like that. You can't run away and disappear from your issues and you can't taunt death in the face." I scold, bringing his hand off my cheek, I just hold it tightly. Trying my best to let him know exactly how upset that made me.
Arlo gives me a look, one that I haven't seen before. It's guilt. He may be good with his words and comforting others but he's horrible when it comes to his own impulsivity. He doesn't think, he just acts. When he's too in his head it's like nothing else matters except his brain and the issue tormenting him.
"You have to think Arlo. Most of the time I think you blank out and you do things that are dangerous like fleeing to an area you're not familiar with for an entire month and speeding when you're under pressure. You do it with smoking too, i've seen the way you cloud yourself under that drug until your mind is quite literally blank." I say quietly, scared that by over analyzing anything, he'll get offended.
But he doesn't say anything. He just nods. he accepts the truth as he lays his body back against his seat. Fingers still laced with mine as he stares ahead at the road in front of us that's empty.
"You're right. I'm always pretending to be so calm and unbothered and i'm always there to save everyone else bu.. i'm always fucking struggling myself. I have a lot of audacity to preach shit that I don't even follow." He admits in sort of a scoff, he's the most vulnerable he's ever been at this moment as he faces the truth and seeing him this way feels so naked and earnest.
"You're human Arlo. It's normal to try and forget all about your own shit to focus on everyone else as a coverup. But now, you have to face it and you have to act rationally. No running, no speeding, and no drugs to mask your true emotion." I run my fingers along his soft curls with my other free hand. His head tilts more my way to give me more access as he seems calmer, more collected.
"You're right. I'm not going to run away from you or whose important anymore. I will try to control my thinking when I get impulses. Most importantly I haven't smoked a blunt in a while because the only drug i've been addicted to is you. I haven't had the urge to use because you make me want to experience everything purely." He leans up, his eyes locked onto mine as he runs his tongue rapidly over his lip ring, like he was going to fidget with it because he feels like he said to much but he stopped himself instead and smiled.
My heart skips a beat at his confession. A little memory comes flooding in from the first time Arlo and I met in the greenhouse. My eyes widen as I stare into his foggy ones.
"Your drug?" I murmur, making sure I didn't get that wrong. A tug of a smile wants to breakthrough.
"Yes my drug, you have been my drug since the day i've met you. So for you, i'd do anything to improve myself and make everything right." He leans over, gracefully placing his hand behind my head. Lacing his fingers into my curly afro while he kisses my lips gently.
...
"Do you want me to go in with you?" I ask as he puts the car into park. We're now in the reserved parking lot for the North Star apartments.
"Please." He breathes out as he rubs a hand across his face with worry. I reach over and give his hand a squeeze.
We both exit the car together and as we walk into the apartment complex, Arlo grabs ahold of my hand tightly.
↓
We walk out the elevator and turn down the hallway to the direction of his mother's apartment. I haven't seen Andrea since the day of Arlo's birthday, so facing her again but behind him in this tensing situation makes me a bit nervous. I don't want her to think about me negatively.
Once we reach the door Arlo pauses for a second. I turn to face him before we act on any decision. "Are you sure that she's even awake right now?" I question and he nods his head slowly.
"I texted Angela a few minutes before we arrived. She said my mom has had a hard time sleeping since I disappeared so she often stays up late." He mentions with guilt ringing in his tone. I forgot that when he came back to New York from his flee to the DMV that he only came back to me, his mom didn't even know he even had stepped foot back in new york.
I breathe in a deep breath as he reaches down and takes a spare key from under the mat. He unlocks the front door and then tucks the key into his dark washed jean pocket. He gestures with his head to the door, meaning that its time to go in.
We walk inside the beautiful apartment. It was my first time seeing the inside of his mom's place. It was beautiful, a contrast from Arlo as she decorated it all in light color shades. The front door was beside the kitchen, upon walking in, all we saw was a messy unorganized clutter on the marble kitchen islands.
Arlo's eyebrows draw together in displeasure, the mess is obviously something that is not usual. We pass the kitchen into the living room which had the same problem as the kitchen, a bunch of clutter obviously of someone who is restless and in distress. Arlo sits on the couch nice couch, looking around at the place.
Arlo holds out his hand. I take hold of it and he guides me sit beside him. He kisses my cheek swiftly before he pulls out his phone to message Angela. A few minutes after she leaves her room, her eyes lighting up when she sees her brother. He smiles warmly in return, standing up to take his sister in a apologetic embrace.
"I'm sorry I left you for so long." He reassures. All Angela does is nod with heavy breathes, as if she's holding in her will to cry. She lets go of him and comes over to me, sitting beside me on the beige couch to take me into a hug.
"I'm glad he came to you first before anything, you're probably the only thing that could get him to think rationally." Angela whispers admittedly. I nod my head softly, rubbing her back in an attempt to console her. When we pull away she gives us both soft eyes, possibly finally at ease to see her brother back and safe.
"She's been a mess since you've left. I've tried to organize after her but i've had so much on my plate at the company since you left." Angela tells her brother sheepishly as she looks around at the mess. Arlo shrugs it off, not taking it too deep into consideration so he doesn't upset his sister further.
"Where is she?" He questions as he leans against the wall behind the TV stand. He runs his finger along the outline of the flatscreen, looking at the dust on his finger absentmindedly.
"In her bedroom, I highly doubt she's asleep. I'll go get her." Angela stands and makes her way to the bedroom door thats across from hers in a small hallway.
Arlo gazes at me now that we're alone again, his eyes completely agonized with pure worry. He was hiding his actual emotion when his sister was here but in front of me he is nothing but vulnerable and clear.
He breathes roughly through his lips. I scrunch my eyebrows in empathy. I raise up from my spot in the couch and make my way towards him, taking him into an embrace. My ear collides with his chest, his heartbeat pounds like thunder in my ear.
"It's okay, remember what we've talked about." I mutter, attempting to soothe him. His arm wraps around my shoulders tightly. He brings his head down to kiss my forehead softly.
Then the bedroom door opens and Andrea Saint is walking out cautiously into the living room. She stops in her tracks and when she sees Arlo her eyes lift into crescent shapes as they gloss with crystal clear tears.
"Mijo!" She cries out with her arms now open to take Arlo into an embrace. He's hesitant, he won't let me go and his body has gone completely stiff. I would've thought he'd turn into a statue if his heart still wasn't thumping warning signs into my ear. His skin is now suddenly cold.
Angela stands behind her mother, watching her brother's reaction with a gloomy expression.
"Arlo baby, I missed you so much." Andrea starts to let her tears fall softly onto her cheeks, still trying to get her upset son to come into her arms like a puppy dog. He's obviously waiting, scanning her. He studies just about anyone he comes across and he was a master at that because of his mother. He's used to reading her because she would not tell her son her honest struggles with her husband that he knew was happening.
He's trying to decode her because he wants to find out the truth far before she could tell him because that's what happens with being constantly lied to, you are on guard and you learn very well how to learn to tell the truth long before it's revealed.
"Mama, I want to know what you decided. Let's save everything else because I no longer want to waste time being the man who saves everyone else." Arlo blankly declares, theres no emotion behind his voice because right now he's clearly masking it. Making it seem like he has no care when he cares a fuckton.
Her face falls and her arms drop to her sides. Tears traveling off her face and onto her brown cardigan. She nods slowly, almost like she's taking in the situation.
Her son was being truthful when he told her the day he comes back it would be with this proposition at hand, nothing else.
"Let's sit." She reaches a hand out for Angela, her daughter takes her hand and lets her mother guide her to the couch. She tries to do the same for her son but he just ignores it as he grabs my own hand and brings me to sit with him on the couch. He pats his little sister on the head with sappiness.
Andrea sits at the end of the couch, facing all of us. "Arlo mi vida, I'm so sorry for the pain I have caused you. As a mother I let both you and your sister have the wrong misconception about love and health. I drowned far too long in this endless suffering with your father and instead of saving you both, I dragged you down with me." She confesses very shamefully. She stares down at the floor as she presses her lips into a thin line, fighting back the tears to no avail.
"I have my own battles with my mind and my disorder but it's not any of your jobs to care for me. You've been doing it since you were young Arlo and I apologize because you taken on a heavy role and you had to carry this burden at twenty-five, when you should have other priorities.
I've done you both wrong and I don't want you both to cut me out of your lives as a result or punishment. Arlo I want to be here to see you blossom into a more intelligent and nurturing young man. Angela I want you to become a very strong hearted woman with high standards so that no one can ever hurt you like that devil of a father you guys unfortunately have.
I want to divorce him and I want to start therapy. I need my kids in my life." She finalizes, her chest now heaving with sobs as she lets all the heavy struggle and burden of the years out into the air. To face your demons head on is incredibly hard, to admit what you keep denying is always going to be hard.
I see myself in her.
Arlo fixes his posture, his dark eyes burning back the tears he desperately wants to let fall. His eyes are turning red as he takes in the moment. The moment of solace at last. His mother is going to divorce his father, something Arlo didn't believe could happen. It's all unfolding in front of him and he's speechless.
"Mama." Angela cries out as she throws herself into a hug with her mother. She cries heavily in her mother's arm. My own eyes start to burn as I get to see this moment unfold. Even though my own family couldn't manage to give me this type of closure, i'm happy that Arlo is. Being in peace without my family's hell is my closure, Arlo's family's new beginning is his closure.
Arlo stands and walks to where his mother sits on the couch, he kneels in front of her and lets his head fall onto her lap, finally letting go of those painful emotions in his tears. She rubs his head in comfort with her other hand as she holds both her babies. This moment reminds me of the framed pictures in Arlo's apartment, Andrea and her babies.
Arlo doesn't say anything but the way he has let himself crumble means that he feels finally at ease. He feels free.
Andrea lifts her head and looks at me. "I thank you mija. You let him be happier than I ever made him and I'll be forever eternally grateful." She smiles at me with warm eyes and my lip curls into a sappy smile. I nod at her as a way to give my thanks, her words were the confirmation that just as much as Arlo saved me, I saved him in return.
Closure gives the heart a gateway into healing. Arlo and I both struggled with our own hurts, it affected the way we both loved. It affected our way to be in relationships and the way we seem them. We both were running from our own problems until we ran into each other. Finding each other was the key to the treasure chest the whole time, it allowed us the possibility to learn how to grow and love. That's the treasure.
He was the sun in my darkest days, I was his moon to shine on his loneliest nights.
___
[Author Note]
We are finally at the last few chapters of Always, Arlo. I always say how we're at the end but truthfully we are only missing a little bit until the story is complete.
This story means the world to me which is why i'm making it a paperback!
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