I'm a complicated person, and I hate that about myself. For years, I've had this secret that I tried so hard to shelter from the world. From this town. A secret that has caused me to feel insecure, fear, rejection, and hatred. A secret that I was constantly being forced to share. I'm gay, and you'd think saying that would feel rewarding and like a heavy burden being lifted off my shoulders, but instead It feels like I'm walking up a steep hill with a bag of a thousand bricks on my back. This weight that should feel light, feels so heavy. So heavy to the point where I can feel myself losing the strength to continue on. It's hard to be hiding in a dark closet where I couldn't be myself, but being out and free has been harder.
When I was closeted, I was constantly having to hide how I felt and the things that I liked because I was a boy, and boys shouldn't be feeling like this or acting the way I did. I've always been a bit more feminine than I was masculine. I always wore dresses, acted all girly, and was interested in activities and things that are typically labelled for girls. Every boy I knew played with action figures, and I did too... with my fashion dolls that I'm still obsessed with. It could have been due to the fact that the majority of my family are girls and I didn't have many male figures growing up. I had my dad, who wasn't around much because he was always working away for days at a time, trying to support his family. There was my papa, my mom's stepdad, except he was always gone as well working. Only difference was that Papa worked out of the country.
Sexuality was a tough topic to talk about for me and still tends to be. Growing up, I felt different and it wasn't just from my personality or the way I was acting. I had these feelings that felt so different and wrong. I liked guys. Wait what? How shocking! I was in the second grade when these feelings became present. I didn't understand what it was or that it was okay. For the longest time, I thought how I felt had to be concealed. I didn't want anyone to know due to what people would think of me. I didn't even know what to think of it. I had only ever seen couples and love shown between a man and a woman. That was default, and that wasn't me. It began when I developed feelings for a boy that year. This feeling that felt so right yet so wrong kept me wondering for a few years what it was. It was scary and so beautiful. He was the new student in our class and I wanted to be his friend because having friends was awesome and I was young. Everyone was friends with everyone. This boy was taller than me and was quite shy but nice. I think at first it was just an obsession with him because he was fun and nice to me. Even though he was also becoming closer friends with this other kid in my class, I still enjoyed his company, and being his company. Yes, I was a bit jealous, but again, I really liked him so what did I do? I wrote a song about it and sort've bottled it up. This obsession or feeling for this boy continued into the third grade. He and I had drifted apart then and didn't talk nearly as much. I realized that maybe I didn't want to be friends with him, I wanted something more. Of course, I didn't say anything to anyone 'cause why would I? This crush on this boy lasted until I headed into the fourth grade. Still though, I had absolutely no clue what this was or why I felt like this. It just felt so wrong to me still. Things were about to become so clear it was glass, and extremely messy. The perfect recipe for a normal spiralling queer kid in hiding.
2014 was an interesting year, to say the least. I had written one of my all-time favourite books I've ever written, and I finally had more knowledge about what it was that I was feeling. My family was in the middle of moving houses and we were in a trailer that was parked in the backyard of my papa's house. It was there that I watched my first LGBTQ+ film with my older sister. It was definitely an eye-opener. Finally learning what that word I still feel so uncomfortable saying was and the meaning of it. I still never told anyone that I somewhat felt attracted to the same gender. It was just so confrontational, awkward and so scary. Which made me hint at it through all the books I was writing. I see now that I just didn't want to admit it as well. I think a part of me still hoped that I could be like everyone else and not have to feel so distant and closed off about myself. To be a normal person. Finally, December came and we had officially moved into the house I'm still living in. I wanted to play outside in the front that had a huge snow hill piled onto our yard. It was exciting, thinking about life there. A new room, new memories, a new way to go to school... and a new neighbour.
He walked outside. Long brown hair that ended at his shoulders, brown eyes and was a bit taller than me, all dressed in snow gear. I'm not kidding when I say that my jaw was on the ground. I don't know what it was about him that gave me butterflies, but he did, and they were fluttering around in my brain and heart. I fell for him like autumn leaves falling in September. Oh and what a goofball he was that day when we first met. I thought it was weird but funny. I remember I was trying to mind my business because I'm a shy and anxious person and it was like he was trying to show off or get my attention or something. Like him throwing a snowball at the huge glass window in front of their house, looking at me funny and walking around his house before his mom could see who it was. It's weird how a moment that happened so long ago, a day, years and years ago, is one I can remember so vividly. Normally I'd say it was maybe just a silly crush, but this crush stayed with me for years. I remember he tried to become my friend and would try to talk to me so many times but my naive shy self kept rejecting him, and I regret that a lot. This one time I went outside, he was playing street hockey and he asked if I wanted to play with him and his buddies, but I said no as I didn't know how to play hockey. Which wasn't a lie, because I really didn't know how to play, but I was also shy too. I was a bit nervous to hang out with him and I didn't want to mess things up and make a fool of myself. I went on to have the biggest crush on him from fourth grade up until seventh grade. I didn't see him a whole lot and didn't interact with him as much during the years but I still had a huge crush on him. No one else would catch my eye and no one ever could, even if they tried. That's how much I liked him... or that's how much I loved him. To be honest, I don't know what the difference was between a crush and love when it comes to him. I've never felt that way about someone for that long. Yes, I've had crushes since then and even had a boyfriend for three months at one point. I loved my ex a lot and I think I'm just getting over him now. It's been 2 years since we broke up. However, for that childhood crush, It was stuck in my heart for years. I remember constantly thinking about him and wishing I was the one he called his own. In my head, things worked out. I was the one he fell in love with and would kiss hello and goodbye. We would be cuddling, going on picnics and movie dates just like they do in the movies. He and I would be dancing with his hand around my waist, my hand on his shoulder. I used to believe that he liked me too. It's embarrassing to think back to sixth grade when my whole class was into taking our erasers and on each side, writing yes, no's, and maybe's, then asking a question and rolling it like a dice to see our answer. I, of course, joined in and was always asking in my head "Does he like me back?", "Will we ever be together?" Every time my eraser said yes or even maybe, I was excited, hopeful even. I'm embarrassed to think back on this and how delusional I really am.
I was infatuated with him. I didn't know much about him except for just a few things, like how he played hockey or that his favourite kind of sandwich was peanut butter and jam. His friend who went to my school told me this. We were in the fourth grade and yet I still weirdly remember this. He has such a beautiful smile that I always felt like I was blushing and could feel the butterflies in my stomach whenever I saw him. Taking every little interaction with each other as a sign he liked me. Delusional, I know, but that's just how much I really liked him. I wish I had actually gotten to know him. To be friends like he wanted to be all those years ago. I was so stupid, rejecting him and being so distant from him. I wished I was able to also tell him how I felt as well. I know there was an extremely high chance he never felt the same, and it probably would have ended what could have been a good friendship as well. The stakes were high, and maybe that's why I was the way I was. I didn't want to ruin anything, make him hate me or be disgusted, to make things weird between us and have the most handsome and kindest guy I know to be the one who got away. Not to mention, I still wasn't out nor had it figured out. What if he told people and they didn't accept me? I couldn't risk it.
He seemed like the only guy who actually seemed to like me and was always so friendly and nice to me. I was never actually friends with any of the guys in my class due to not being able to relate to them at all. They were always into sports when I wasn't. I related more to the girls. I just vibed with them more than the guys. It was always so awkward to talk or hang with the guys. It felt like there was a brick wall between the boys and me, yet between the girls and me, there was a glass wall. I was never one of the guys, but I was never truly one of the girls. However, This boy I seemed to fall in love with never treated me like that, and I respect him for that. I appreciate him so much, and I don't even think he knows that. He was an important person in my life, even though we were never friends or lovers like I wished we could've been. He was the boy who helped me realize who I was and treated me kindly. He was the boy I fell in love with for years. The one who I would daydream about and envision a beautiful future with. He was the only one I wanted to be with.
I spent forever, wondering if he ever knew. If someone ever told him or if he pieced this puzzle together himself. I've dreamt of telling him my feelings and of him holding my hand. The electric touch that would have sparks flying. No, this surprisingly wasn't me confusing love and male attention with each other. These feelings I felt for him were real, and the first real feelings I ever had for a guy.
The lingering question would keep me up at night. Did he like me in that way? Did he only think of me as a possible friend? I knew the answer but I still hoped that I was wrong. Words seriously couldn't explain the way I felt towards him. So I would listen to those love songs I found on youtube, daydreaming once again. When I was in the fourth grade, I was constantly listening to Taylor Swift's "Fearless" album on my blue MP3 player. Streaming all the songs while I'm trying to fall asleep, and he was on my mind. To this day, every time I listen to Fearless, and specific songs, I immediately think of him and those moments back then. It's interesting how music can take you back into the past. He was perfect, smart, and handsome as hell (What? I'm not blushing, you are). He was kind and thoughtful even when I was being a jerk. He was the perfect one, and that's the way I loved him. Thinking of him made me feel safe and sound.
I hate to think about this, and I regret it so much, but at one point I was quite cruel to him. It was I believe 8th grade, and it was the end of the year. By then I had moved on from him and my crush on him faded away. 2018 was an interesting year as I had decided to change who I am and deny all who I was. I'll explain it later, but what happened was I was trying to be mean to everyone I know. It was the end of the year and I posted this stupid little thing on my story that everyone was posting. It was basically a Tell me something you thought about me for the end of the year. He responded to it and explained how he and the other guys thought I was gay. This set me completely off as I was trying to make people stop questioning this, and it was still being brought up. I raged at him and was kinda being rude to him for it. Even though it was me who was asking for people to be honest with me. I had absolutely no right to just go off the handle like that to him. I remember telling him how I hated him, and then that was when he removed me. As he should. He wasn't doing anything but being honest, It was me. Being a problem once again. For that, I just want him to know that I'm sorry. Sorry for being a jerk to him for no reason. I never once hated him, I guess it was just a bit triggering for me, even though they were all right anyways. I regret saying that to him because well... He was important to me and never once was cruel to me. I apologize to him, and I hope he knows this or at least reads it. I loved you and you were an important part of my journey. A puzzle piece connecting in my life.
Truth be told, we weren't meant to be. He wasn't into guys and I knew that when he began dating a girl I used to be friends with. She's amazing and pretty, I never once hated her or wished I was her or anything. I'm glad I was able to tell him in private. It was at a party and he was walking back to the party alone and I stopped him to talk to him because I worked up the courage to finally tell him. We both were too drunk to probably process anything, and I was too drunk to realize what I was actually doing, but I told him and he was pretty chill. Who knows if he even remembers it? I hope so. It felt good to finally tell him that after all these years. He is already in a relationship and I'm waiting to find the perfect one or even to find someone who feels the same love for me. I wish him nothing but the absolute best in life. I hope he goes on to do amazing things. I hope he finds his soulmate and loves her with his whole heart.
He and I are maybe just too different. I wished I wouldn't have rejected his friendship. I wish we could have been something. I wished I would have told him years ago, but I didn't. So this is why I'm here. Drinking coffee and listening to the old love songs you had me listening to. I think at this point, I've just accepted it as that and felt like it was time to move on. For this chapter of us to come to a close, and for me to truly move on. He found someone who just wasn't me. I've realized that happy endings of me and him only happen in my head.