Hello! I know it's been a while, but I REALLY just had too little time and too little inspiration. But here I am, with a new story for all of you, and especially for the person who requested this piece (who preferred to remain anonymous).
Literally, I was stuck while writing it for months and then finished it in two days. It's wild how inspiration and the lack of it work lol.
Anyways, a trigger warning for depression/depressive thoughts applies to this chapter, so please proceed with caution.
I hope you like this. ♥
...
Some mornings, my body feels too heavy, and I can't get myself out of bed.
Y/N looked down at the sentence she had written in her notebook a few moments ago, and her shoulders slumped. In the background, the soft melody of the music she had put on was interrupted by the constant noise of car engines as the vehicles went by and the occasional chatter of people who walked too close to her window. Too bad she lived along an avenue — you couldn't even listen to music without being bothered and distracted during the rush hour. She continued writing.
So many days go by with an invisible arrow plucked through my chest, an arrow with origins unknown even to me and yet with pain so strong that I cannot hide.
She sniffled, and her grip on her pen became loose. Should she really be writing all this? In her head, all these thoughts were much less easily accessible to others — even to Loki, her partner, who had a profound knowledge of the mystic arts and could probably see into her head if he tried. But on paper? Oh, if she forgot to hide the notebook one time and Loki found it, then every little secret she had written down, every dirty, guilty word, would become known to him, and she wouldn't be able to take it back.
But, well, she had to do something with all these thoughts. Disclosing them to someone was out of the question, and keeping them inside was driving her insane, so what other choice did she have? Carefulness was the key; if she were careful, no one would ever find her little notebook, and hopefully, she would manage to conceal the magnitude of her grief until it was gone — in other words, she would follow the 'fake it till you make it' rule.
Her thoughts went back to Loki, and she held her pen firmly again.
Oh, all you give me, my love — all the care and affection and support — are so dear to me, and yet my heart feels weak, and I'm still sad and lonely and cannot help it. And when I think about it, I feel I might be ungrateful, and that the universe will punish me by taking you away; for it is very kind to let me have you, and to let me savour your love, but my heart wants more—
The sound of the front door creaking open startled Y/N, and the pen slipped off her fingers and rolled to the floor. She picked it up in a rush, closed the notebook and hurried to the bedroom.
"Y/N?" Loki's voice echoed in the hall as he pushed the door, and the lock clicked as he closed it.
"I'm here!" she called out as she bowed down next to the bed.
Loki's steps echoed in the hallway. Y/N placed the notebook on the floor beside her and used both hands to lift the edge of the mattress, and then, putting her leg under it so that she could support it on her knee, she leaned and picked the notebook up, placed it on the slats and removed her leg, letting the mattress drop into place. Loki entered the room as she fixed the covers.
"Hey babe," she murmured with a smile, trying not to look down at the bed.
There was a small twitch on Loki's face, and Y/N remembered his dislike for that particular pet name. Of course. She never used that pet name. What had gotten into her? She knew he didn't like it. Stupid, stupid, stupid...
"How was your day?"
Loki's voice brought Y/N's self-deprecating thoughts to a halt and made her realise that he hadn't complained. But she had seen it; he had been, for a moment, annoyed, disappointed. She had disappointed him. She was an utter disappointment, who couldn't do anything right-
"Are you okay?" Loki's voice once again interfered with her thoughts.
"Oh, yes, yes. It was good — my day. It was good."
Loki nodded but Y/N could see the lines on his forehead deepen, and she could almost hear the gears of his brain turning with the intensity of his thinking. And Loki was, indeed, thinking, worrying, and his face changed, taking an expression of helplessness and concern.
"You're doing that thing again," he said. "Your mind's not really here."
It was astonishing how much Loki could see just by looking into her eyes; she knew, of course, of the metaphor of the eyes being the windows to the soul, but never before in her life had she met someone who could understand her so much. And this was a good thing, on the one hand, but on the other, she didn't really want him to know of her mental condition. She didn't want anyone to know. She just wanted it to go away before anyone could notice because these emotions burdened not only her but those around her as well.
But whether she liked it or not, Loki had that gift; he could see through her smile, through the delicate threads of melancholy, directly into the darkness that loomed within her heart — darkness that whispered doubts and drowned her in the vast ocean of despair. And hence the weight of depression that burdened her weary soul was on his shoulders too.
At least that's what she had figured out. Loki wouldn't ever mention it directly. He would always make comments like "You look tired" or "Your eyes are red — were you crying?" and he would never talk about the depression itself. As though he wanted her to talk about it. Was he unsure, she wondered, or was he worried about applying too much pressure onto her?
"Oh, sorry, I am just a little bit tired," she said. "I just came from work a few minutes ago, and I do need to have a shower."
"Okay," he said.
He didn't sound convinced; however, he didn't bring anything up. As Y/N walked towards the bathroom, she couldn't help but wonder about Loki's intentions. It was as if he danced on the thin line between concern and caution, never pushing too hard but always there to catch her if she stumbled. The warm water of the shower washed over her, providing a brief relief, but the thoughts inside her mind head continued to swirl.
When she returned to the living room, Loki had set up a cosy corner with a blanket and two cups of tea. He patted the empty spot beside him on the couch, smiling softly — a silent invitation for her to join him. Y/N returned the smile, alas with a much more forced one, approached and sank into the cushions, the warmth of the teacup cradled in her hands.
Loki wrapped his arm around her shoulders, and his hand fumbled with the tips of her damp hair. For some minutes, everything was quiet, and then Loki, after a deep sigh, spoke.
"You know," he said, "it's okay not to be okay sometimes."
Y/N hadn't seen this coming. She turned rigid, and her neck dried up. After a few seconds of subtle shock, she leaned over and picked up her teacup from the coffee table, and then she took a careful sip. Then she leaned closer to him, placing the side of her head against his own.
"I know," she replied.
Her words hung in the air. Loki tightened his grip around her shoulders, offering silent support, and they sat there together, wrapped in the warmth of the blanket and the comforting presence of each other.
"Good."
Y/N realised she must have been right — Loki had sensed her pain all along, and this particular cautious approach was his way of letting her know that he was there to help in a bit more direct manner than in the past, without pushing too hard. He was trying to be there for her, to help her face the darkness within, one step at a time.
~-~-~
Loki had always been a mischievous soul, known for his sly tricks and cunning wit. Even so, though he could enchant Y/N to make her tell him what was on her mind or riffle through her belongings in search of any sort of explanation for her recent melancholy, he hadn't done either of these things. There was something that held him back, the thought that he was invading her privacy by even considering these things.
But that afternoon, as he stepped into the dimly lit kitchen, when his eyes fell upon the worn-out notebook lying on the table, he couldn't resist the urge any longer. It wasn't just curiosity that drew him in; it was the growing concern he felt for Y/N. He knew something was troubling her, and he wanted to understand. Perhaps this notebook with her name scribbled on the cover held some sort of answer.
With a cautious glance around and his ears on high alert for any sign of Y/N's presence (she was in the bathroom having a shower, but he had to be careful nonetheless because she could come out anytime), Loki picked up the notebook, and after a few moments of feeling the textures of the weathered cover, he opened it. Yes, he knew he shouldn't pry, but something about its presence there gnawed at his curiosity and worry.
The shadows grow darker day by day, wrapping themselves around my heart like a suffocating cloud. I can't escape this horrible sadness that engulfs me. I wear a mask every day, pretending to be fine, but inside, I am crumbling.
Some mornings, my body feels too heavy, and I can't get myself out of bed.
I don't know how much longer I can endure.
With a swift move, Loki closed the notebook and put it back on the table. As he gazed at it, he couldn't help but feel like an intruder. If she knew that he had read even this fraction of her pained confessions inside this notebook, she would be mad. He remembered he was furious at his mother when, once, when he was still a teenager, he had walked into his room to find Frigga reading his diary. Yes, he knew it was a well-intended action, an attempt to see what the person in pain was not revealing in order to help them go through it, but it felt invasive. It was invasive.
He stepped out of the kitchen and went to the sitting room, picking up his book from the coffee table and curling up on the couch to read. Y/N had probably forgotten to hide the notebook, and it would be best for everyone if he didn't mention he had been in the kitchen at all.
~-~-~
"Where exactly are we going?" Y/N inquired, feigning annoyance but with a wide smile curved across her face and laughter in her voice.
"It's a surprise — I told you!" said Loki, turning the wheel as he put his foot down on the accelerator a little bit harder. "You agreed to this."
Y/N chuckled, enjoying the mystery of it all. "I did agree, didn't I? But, you know, a hint or two wouldn't hurt."
Loki glanced at her, his eyes twinkling mischievously. "Oh, and where's the fun in that? Just trust me, you're going to love it."
As they drove deeper into the forest, the tall trees formed a canopy overhead, dappling the sunlight that filtered through. The air was filled with the earthy scent of pine, and the sounds of nature enveloped them, creating a soothing symphony.
After a while, they reached a secluded cabin nestled amidst the trees. Loki parked the car, and they stepped out, taking in the serene surroundings. Y/N shoved her hands into her pockets, looking around in awe.
"It's beautiful here," she confessed.
Loki was pleased with her reaction. "I thought you might like it", he said. "I thought it would be nice to have a little getaway. There's too much chaos in the world — too much even for me."
"Oh, you hit the nail on the head with that one."
Loki reached over and took Y/N's hand, leading her towards the cabin. "Well, then, let's forget about that chaos for a while."
They entered the cabin, and Y/N was charmed by its rustic yet cosy interior. The crackling fireplace, plush furnishings, and a large window that framed a picturesque view of the forest outside created a welcoming atmosphere.
As they settled in, Loki surprised Y/N once again by pulling out a basket filled with her favourite snacks and drinks. "I thought you'd like a snack after a long drive."
Y/N laughed, touched by his thoughtfulness. "You really did think of everything."
Loki shrugged casually, though a playful grin tugged at the corners of his lips. "I like to consider myself a master of surprises."
The day turned into evening, and they spent their time in the cabin enjoying each other's company. The hours passed by in a blissful blur, as they disconnected from the outside world and revelled in the simple pleasures of the moment.
Later that night, they stepped outside onto the cabin's porch. The sky was clear, and the stars shone brightly above, casting a gentle glow on the forest. They laid a blanket on the ground and lay down together, embracing as they gazed up at the celestial display.
"You see that star right there?" he pointed.
Y/N followed his finger and nodded.
"That's Sirius. Or, as the Norse people used to call it, Lokabrenna, which is funny, because it means 'Loki's torch'. My torch, essentially." He chuckled. "But anyways, they say that it's the brightest star in the sky, always shining brightly," Loki remarked, his voice soft.
Y/N smiled. "Fascinating."
Loki turned to her, his eyes locking onto hers. "Yeah."
As they lay there, a tangle of limbs under the starry sky, they lay in a comfortable silence, their fingers intertwined, and their hearts beating in sync with the rhythm of the night. Then Loki spoke again, and his voice was just a little bit emotional.
"Would you mind me putting on some music? Something fitting."
"Please do," said Y/N.
Loki fumbled with his phone for a little while, and a few moments later, he placed it beside him, and music filled the air.
"Bowie?" Y/N inquired.
"Yeah."
The night air was cool and crisp, a gentle breeze rustling the leaves in the forest. Loki and Y/N kept looking at the infinite sky, allowing the melody to envelop them. It was as if time itself had slowed down, and they were suspended in a timeless bubble of tranquillity.
Cold fire, you've got everything but cold fire
You will be my rest and peace child
I moved up to take a place
Near you
So tired, it's the sky that makes you feel tried
It's a trick to make you see wide
It can all but break your heart
In pieces
Y/N leaned her head against Loki's shoulder, her eyes still fixed on the stars above. The music, the night, his presence — it all created a sense of serenity she hadn't felt in a long time. Oh, she had been so miserable indeed, yet now in these moments, she could finally find traces of joy.
Staying back in your memory
Are the movies in the past
How you moved is all it takes
To sing a song of when I loved
The prettiest star
One day, though it might as well be someday
You and I will rise up all the way
All because of what you are
The prettiest star
Under the blanket of the starry sky, they let the lyrics wash over them. Loki glanced at Y/N, his expression soft and filled with an unspoken tenderness. He gently placed a kiss on her forehead, a silent affirmation of love. The song played on, and they stayed there, wrapped in each other's arms, lost in the magic of the night.
Staying back in your memory
Are the movies in the past
How you moved is all it takes
To sing a song of when I loved
The prettiest star
One day though it might as well be someday
You and I will rise up all the way
All because of what you are
The prettiest star
The song faded into silence, and a few seconds later Loki spoke, his voice soft, his words almost a whisper.
"You know, Y/N, sometimes in the chaos of our lives, we forget to appreciate each other," he said. "We're so taken up in our everyday life, running, that we forget — or, well, I forget to tell you some things. Sirius might be the brightest star in the night sky, but you, Y/N, are my prettiest star. And I know that it's been hard for you lately and that you're struggling, and you're not talking to me about it — and I understand why — but I just... I used to care about taking over the world, proving myself to Odin, taking a throne — I care about none of it now. I just want us to be together and to be all right, and if there is anything I can do to take the suffering off of you, I'll do it, no questions asked."
Y/N Tears glistened in Y/N's eyes as she listened to Loki's heartfelt words under the starry sky. She took a moment to compose herself before she responded, her voice filled with emotion.
"I knew you could see it," she confessed. "How do you always see it?"
Loki smiled tenderly and brushed a stray tear from her cheek. "I've had my dark times too, Y/N — but that's a story for another time. And, my love, you're not just a star in the sky, Y/N. You're the brightest light in my life, and I'll always see you, even in the darkest of times."
Underneath the celestial tapestry, Loki and Y/N held each other close, and then she leaned closer and pressed her lips against his tenderly, her tears staining his cheeks, love and vulnerability laid bare beneath the stars. And as the night continued, they gazed up at the endless expanse above, knowing that no matter how chaotic the world might be, they had each other to navigate through it all.
No matter the slings and arrows of their fortune or the struggles they would go through, their love remained a constant. Their own prettiest star.
...
Short but sweet — I personally like it a lot. I hope you do too.
Until the next time, whenever that might be, take care. ♥