𝘈𝘕𝘋 𝘚𝘖𝘔𝘌 𝘈𝘙𝘌 𝘋𝘌𝘚𝘗𝘌𝘙𝘈𝘛𝘌
𝘉𝘜𝘛 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘖𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙𝘚 𝘏𝘈𝘝𝘌 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘚𝘌𝘕𝘚𝘌 𝘛𝘏𝘈𝘛
𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘠 𝘋𝘖 𝘉𝘌𝘓𝘖𝘕𝘎
𝘈𝘕𝘋 𝘐 𝘋𝘖 𝘕𝘖𝘛 𝘉𝘌𝘓𝘖𝘕𝘎.
- 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐑𝐄 𝐃𝐀𝐌𝐄, 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐒 𝐏𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐌𝐀
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It's been a week since Sam stopped me from seeing Seth, and I've become acutely aware of how weird it is to live without him. Knowing that he's a ten minute drive away tugs at my heart every night before I go to sleep. Sometimes I think about going back to the Cullen border and waiting to see if Seth will be there. Then I remember that the woods are terrifying when it's dark out, and any number of things could be waiting for a tasty human snack like me. So I just stare out my window at them and will Seth to come flying out, normal human baby in hand so I can see him again.
Some nights are harder than others. My nightmares have made a swift return without Seth being near, so now I wake up in a cold sweat most nights, a scream on the tip of my tongue. It's all I can do to not go find Sam and demand he take me to find Seth again, even if just to soothe my sleep. It can't be fun when he knocks on the door to check on me every night because my restlessness wakes him up. I know he cares about me - which is unfortunate, because I want to hate him for stopping Seth from seeing me. He and Emily have been trying to cheer me up every day, but there's only so much they can do.
I spent lots of my time in my room or on the beach alone. Everyone else had things to do, people to see, except for me. I helped with dishes and cleaning and dinner, but with a few less mouths, we had a lot of leftovers. Then I packed those and went to be alone again. Most of the guys didn't really know what to do with me. Hell, I didn't even know what to do with me.
I smile as Claire comes running into my room, Emily close on her tail. Quil must be somewhere in the house, but avoiding me is probably in his best interest. We end up arguing about Seth every time we see each other, so talking to him isn't my favorite thing either. But wherever Claire is, Quil is close behind. He's probably sitting with Sam on the couch downstairs, munching on something out of the fridge. That's all any of the guys seem to do when they're not fighting with each other.
"Wiwow," Claire gurgles. The more time I spend with her, the closer she is to learning her L's. That day is not today, though, and I'll still love her little voice no matter what speech impediments she has.
"Hi, Claire bear," I reply as I lift her onto my bed with me. She climbs into my lap and turns to face Emily with her fingers in her mouth. "Hey, no fingers there, missy."
"She wants to go down to the beach. Sam and Quil have something to do, and I've got work. Can you take her? She's still not swimming but she loves to collect rocks and little pieces of shell. Watch out for broken glass, there seems to be an influx of teenagers coming here and leaving without all of their things," Emily says. She seems to be in a rush or anxious, but I can't tell which one. Hopefully she's just late for work and no one's going to be dead when I leave my room.
"Sure, I'll take her. Do I need to bring her back at a certain time?"
"Just by dinner. Like five or something. I'll be home, we'll just have something easy."
"I'll make something. Don't worry about it."
She leans her head to the side with a small smile. "You sure? I really don't mind once I'm home."
"It's fine. I'll just make macaroni or something. And quadruple the normal portions."
"You're an angel. I'll see you later."
I cringe internally when she calls me an angel. A lot of things remind me of Seth in a nice way, but that just makes me sad. He would come to the beach with Claire and I. He loves Claire too, but how can you not? She's the sweetest little thing. Anyone with eyes and heart had to love her.
"Let's get moving, Claire bear. Wanna go find some pretty rocks?"
"WOCKS!"
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As Claire runs up and down the shore, I pick at the edge of the fraying blanket I found by the back door to sit on. She's been coming back every few minutes to give me another rock and then runs back out to the water to find more. They're mostly just your average rock, but once in a while she'll find a shell fragment or some fool's gold, at which point I'm tasked with cleaning and drying them off. It's a cute little game, and by the time she comes back for a tenth drop-off, we have growing piles of keepers and rocks to throw back to the ocean.
"Shiny!" she exclaims as she drops another rock onto the blanket. It is shiny - another chunk of fool's gold. I smile and start to towel it off to put in the keeper's pile.
"Very pretty, Claire."
"You have," she says, bending over to choose rocks out of the pretty pile for me to keep. I get two fool's gold chunks and the only whole shell she's found, which is generous considering how excited she was when she came back with it. "You have, Wiwow."
"Why thank you. I would be honored to have these," I reply as I take them from her little hands and line them up on my thigh carefully. She smiles and runs back off to the water to get more bounty as Quil lopes down the beach to us.
"She showed you her rock collecting skills?" he asks as he slows to a stop beside me. I smile up at him and nod, shading the muted sun with my hand. "She finds some real winners sometimes. I've got a massive bottle filled with them in my room."
"Well, when someone gives you a gift, it's rude to get rid of it."
"Exactly. And I think it will be cute to do something with them when she's a bit older and gets into crafting. Like making a picture frame or bracelet or something. Or just a more structurally sound rock pile without the crappy bottle."
I giggle and nod, "That would be very cute. I'm sure she'd appreciate it when you're both older as well."
"We can put a picture of us in it! Or give jewelry to our kids..."
I smile and nod, looking back out at Claire splashing in the water again. She's a sweetheart - I would be lucky to have a child as good as her someday. Maybe in my wedding, she can be the flower girl. My wedding to Seth. Who I'm still not allowed to talk to.
"Quil?"
He focuses back on me again. "Yeah?"
"When am I going to get to see Seth again?"
He sucks in a breath through his teeth, a slight whistle coming out as a result. Not a good start. Then he won't look at me anymore, staring out at Claire as she comes running back to us again. He doesn't answer, not even when Claire comes and goes with more rocks.
"I won't like the answer, will I?"
"You'll hate it."
I sigh and stare out at the ocean harder, trying to call to memory the times I came out here with Seth. Maybe if I think about them hard enough, they'll come true.
"Bella's gonna pop any day now, we think. Whatever happens will happen soon."
I nod and smile when Claire comes back a final time and flops down into my lap. She pushes her pile of good rocks around, finding a little piece of teal sea glass and holding it out to me.
"You have," she says, poking my collarbone with it until I take it from her little hand. I smile and take it from her, thanking her with a soft kiss on the top of her head.
"Should we throw the other ones back now? Go back up and get some dinner?"
"Yes!"
"I'll help. You go back up," Quil says, holding out a hand to help me up. I take it and dust myself off before looking at him again. He looks...sad. Like he feels pity for me. Out of all of the boys, he's the one I think understands me the most. But it won't bring Seth back.
"Thanks."
I walk up alone, with only my thoughts to fill the silent walk. The beach long behind me, Emily's place long before me, all I've got is myself and the wind. If Jacob hadn't made it his life's mission to resent Edward, if Seth didn't always do what was right, if Sam wasn't so uptight, if Bella hadn't convinced Edward they needed to have a vampire mutant baby...Seth would be here and I wouldn't be so lonely all the time. I wouldn't have to fight with myself to get to sleep or wince every time Sam and Emily show any kind of PDA at the house. If Victoria had never turned Bree and Bree had never found me, none of this would be any kind of issue. But she did, and Sam was uptight and Seth wouldn't stand for it, so I had to live without half my heart for as long as it took Bella to have this baby and the mini pack to convince Sam that it wasn't dangerous to the public.
I take my time cooking the pasta once I make it back to the house. Emily wouldn't be home for almost another hour, so there was no rush. I wouldn't want her to come home to a cold dinner after everything she's done for me. Plus, with making enough for the whole pack, it was bound to take me until she was home to make enough macaroni for everyone.
The pack all joke and laugh as they eat. I smile when they get my attention, but stare at my full bowl the rest of the time. I can feel Sam's gaze on me, but I refuse to meet his eyes. After this torture he's put on me, he deserves a little resistance. Emily doesn't even try to look over - we've already talked about my silent protest before.
Embry comes running into the room, panting and barely wearing any clothes. I quickly avert my eyes, but I can't help looking back over at him when he bursts out, "Bella had the baby."