I haven't spoken to Mattheo in days and now it's time to pack my bag to go home for the holidays. I'm happy to be able to leave Hogwarts for a little while. It's all been hurting a lot here, so hopefully going home will take my mind off of everything for a bit.
'Are you ready, babe? The train is leaving in an hour, so we need to leave soon.' Pansy voice pulled me out of my thoughts. 'Hmm...?' I responded. 'Are you finished packing? We're leaving soon.' She repeated. 'Yes, almost finished.' 'How are you feeling, babe?' Sometimes I hate sharing a room with my best friend, because she can always see when I'm not feeling alright. 'I'm fine.' I lied. 'Y/N, don't lie to me. It's okay, not to feel alright.' She looked at me with those sad puppy dog eyes, hoping I would tell her how I really felt. Ever since our cozy day in bed, I've been saying that I'm fine. But, in reality I feel like actual shit. EVERYTHING hurts. But, I don't want to admit it. 'I'm fine, Pansy.' I lied once again. 'Well, I'm not, so could you give me a hug to make me feel better?' She had a tiny smile on her face to show me she was lying to me to be able to give me a hug, but I didn't care. I could use a hug. I walked over to Pansy and she took me in her arms. The warmth and comfort reminded me of the comfort I felt in Mattheo's arms and just like that a tear slipped out of my eye. I tried to wipe it away without Pansy seeing it, but she was me first. 'Babe, can you please let it out? It's not good letting all your emotions stay cropped up inside of you.' 'Pans, you know I can't. If I let it out, it will never go back inside and I don't want to be a mess. Mattheo's has done enough, he will not break me even further.' This was the truth. I knew that if I started crying, I wouldn't stop and I would be a mess on the train. And there's one thing I don't want to do and that is crying in front of my friends. Those tears are for me and noone else. 'Okay, but just know, it's not a crime to be a mess and if you need me, I'm just an owl away okay?' 'I know.' I smiled at Pansy before moving back to my trunk and finishing up packing it.
After we were both finished packing, we made our way to the Hogwarts Express to go back to London. We sat in the same traincompartment as Theo, Draco, Blaise and Mattheo. None of us knew what to say for the first half hour, so we all kept quiet. Every one of us knew exactly what happened between Mattheo and me and nobody wanted to speak about it. After that first half hour, Pansy started talking. 'Okay... since nobody else is going to say anything, I'll start. What are you guys' plans for the holiday?' Luckily that started a conversation between her, Draco, Blaise and Theo, which made the awkwardness a whole lot less. Now it was just Mattheo and me who weren't talking anymore. I knew I needed myself to keep busy, so I grabbed one of my schoolbooks and started reading it. This way I would be able to study a bit more before my holiday truly started and I wouldn't have to focus on the quietness between Mattheo and I. Only I couldn't focus on the book at all, since I felt Mattheo's gaze burn on my skin. It took eveything I had not to look at him, but I did it. For the whole trainride back home, I didn't look at him once.
During the next week, I caught my parents up about how my classes were going and they told Hermione and me what we missed in the Muggle world. Next to that we made our preparations for Christmas and today we celebrated it together. After our Christmas celebration was over, I went outside to let Loki out for a small flight. I walked over to the park, we both know way too well and sat down on one of the benches. I was lost in my thoughts, when I heard a familiar panting. I looked up to see Daisy running up to me. She jumped halfway up my lap and gave me some kisses. 'Hi, beautiful girl. I've missed you!' I gave Daisy a big hug, while another figure came into sight. 'Nawwh, thank you Y/N, I've missed you too. Or were you talking to Daisy?' Mrs. Ella said with a laugh. 'Oh hi Mrs. Ella. Ofcourse I was talking to you. How have you been?' I said to her. 'I'm lying, I was definitely talking to you sweet Daisy.' I whispered to Daisy just loud enough for Mrs. Ella to still hear. Mrs. Ella started to laugh even harder, before answering my question. 'I'm doing quite alright Y/N. How have you been? Everything going alright at school?' Mrs. Ella sat down next to me on the bench. 'It could be better to be honest. But, I'm still doing alright as well.' I answered. 'How so? Did something happen?' Mrs. Ella showed genuine concern. 'Well, I broke up with my boyfriend.' 'Why did you do such a thing? Was he not treating you right, sweetheart?' 'No, he was. It just... He wasn't doing it for the right reasons. It's complicated.' I tried to explain without giving anything away about the whole Voldemort thing. Mrs. Ella is a muggle, so she doesn't know anything about the Wizarding war or even Wizardry itself. So, I couldn't tell her more even if I wanted to. 'Oh, that doesn't sound good, Y/N. Are you alright?' 'I will be, Mrs. Ella. But, tell me. How has our sweet angel Daisy been?' Mrs. Ella noticed that I didn't want to talk about Mattheo anymore, so she thank goodness joined me in changing the subject. 'Well, she's been such a sweetheart for me. Lots of cuddles and kisses. And ofcourse she makes sure I go outside everyday, so she's been wonderful.' 'I'm glad.'
Mrs. Ella and I talked for a little while longer, before we both decided to go back home again. I called Loki to me and together we went on our way home. Once I got home, I retreated to my room after saying good night to my parents. I was sitting at my desk, when I heard a knock on my door. The door slowly opened and my mother was standing behind it. 'Y/N, can I talk to you?' 'Ofcourse, mom. What's up?' My mother walked into my room and sat down on my bed. 'I'm worried about you, Y/N.' I looked at her confused. 'Why?' 'You have barely left your room since you came home. You only left for food, to go outside with Loki and for the Christmas celebrations. Other than that, you have stayed in here. What is going on?' 'Nothing is wrong, mom.' I said with a fake smile on my face. 'Are you sure? Did something happen at school?' Her question reminded me of the hurt I was trying so hard to stuff deep inside. My smile disappeared and I avoided eyecontact with my mother. 'You can tell me anything, Y/N. You know that right?' 'I know, mom. It just... it... hurts...' 'What does? What happened sweety?' I heard the worriedness in my mother's voice. 'We broke up...' I always kept my mom up-to-date about my relationship with Mattheo through letters I sent her, but I hadn't yet told her we broke up, because the moment I'd write it down, it would become a reality. 'What are you talking about? You as in Mattheo and you? But, you were so happy together. Why did you break up?' I couldn't tell her the real reason why we broke up, so I had to think of something. 'We both said some hurtful things, when we were both stressed out because of school and... I.... I guess that was what ended it.' It wasn't the best lie, but it was all I could think of. 'But, sweety. Why don't you just talk it out with him. Like you said you were both stressed, neither of you probably meant it. Go talk and let eachother explain why you said what you guys said. It would be a shame to let something like that ruin your relationship.' I wish it was that simple. I wish I could talk it out with Mattheo, but I can't. It wouldn't matter if I did, because eventhough he meant the world to me, I didn't mean a thing to him. I was just a task. 'Promise me you'll try to talk about it sweety. I know how much you care about him and from what I read in your letters, he really cares a lot about you too. Just try to talk.' My mom added when I still hadn't said anything. I knew my mother wouldn't let the situation go, unless I told her I would talk to Mattheo, so I said okay. I'm going back to Hogwarts in a few days, so I'll see how it goes and if I end up talking to Mattheo.
After our conversation, my mother left my room again and I started writing. I had tried my best to keep Mattheo out of my head, but he sneaked his way back into my mind. So, I started writing a letter to sort out my thoughts.
Dear Mattheo,
I hope you're well. I just wanted to tell you, that I don't understand why you had to hurt me like that. You could've talked to me. You could've told me the real reason we were becoming close. I think I would've understood. I wish it didn't have to go like this. I wish it all didn't happen. That our time together was a reality instead of a lie, because you mean so much to me, even after everything.
And I haven't told you before, but I didn't just care about you. I loved you. I realized it while talking to Pansy after coming back out of the forest. The words that I loved you just slipped out while telling Pansy what had happened, but I knew they were the truth. I truly loved you. And maybe I still do. I know I shouldn't because we're over and I can never trust you again, but I just can't stop my feelings out of nowhere.
And maybe it's stupid to hope, but I feel like you might've cared about me too. Because, I don't think you're that heartless that you would've strung me on for months just for your father, right? Please let me know I'm right. Because, I would hate you if you did do it just for your father, and I'm not ready to hate you.
I miss you, Mattheo.
Love,
Y/N
Writing Mattheo out of my head didn't work, but it did make the hurting be a bit more bareble. So, the next couple of days I tried to come out of my room more and spend a bit more time with my parents and Hermione before having to leave again. Sadly, those last few days went by in no time and it was already time to leave again. 'Are you ready to leave?' Hermione asked from the doorway of my room. 'Yes.' 'Hey Y/N?' 'Yes, Hermione?' 'I'm sorry.' I furrowed my brows at her in confusion. 'For what?' 'I heard you broke up with Mattheo and I knew that would hurt you a lot and I didn't even check up on you. So, I'm sorry.' 'It's okay 'Mione. We both know I never would've told you how I really felt. We're both good at keeping our feelings to ourselves.' That's one of the things where Hermione and I are very alike. We both hate to share our feelings with others and won't cry in front of other people unless there's really no other way. 'I know, but I still should've checked up on you.' 'Don't worry about it okay?' 'Okay, Y/N.' 'Now, let's go, before we miss our train.' I knew this would get Hermione to move on from the subject, because she would never want to be late for the train. So, we quickly grabbed our bags and made our way out of the door with our parents.
A little while later I entered the Hogwarts Express and I saw Pansy entering just before me. I caught up with her and together we walked over to our usual compartment. Once we got there, Theo, Blaise and Draco were already sitting there. The only one missing was Mattheo. 'Hey guys!' Pansy exclaimed when noticing the boys. We said down in the compartment and I was sitting opposite Theo. I looked at him with a tiny bit of worry in my eyes. The train was already starting to move and there was no sign of Mattheo anywhere. 'Where is... never mind...' I started my sentence to Theo, but ending up stopping myself while looking down at the table between us. 'He's already at Hogwarts.' Theo responded either way. I looked up at him hoping he would explain more about why Mattheo was already back, without having to ask. Luckily Theo understood and told me: 'He didn't want to stay at home with his father any longer, so he got back early.' What happened at home, that Mattheo didn't want to stay at home any more and got back early? I kept on wondering about it, until Pansy pulled me into the conversation she was having with Draco, Blaise and Theo about everything they did during the holidays. Eventhough I was glad to leave Hogwarts after everything with Mattheo, I'm even happier now that I get to go back to seeing my friends everyday again.