The world became noisier when one had their eyes closed.
Folarin tried to tune it out, but he could sense the jet lag aiming to pull him into sleep. He pulled his khaki baseball cap closer over his face, and contemplated plugging in his AirPods to listen to some music, something loud enough to keep his eyes open.
He smelt the aroma of the food and scrunched up his nose. It was Jollof rice, that much he could deduce, and it was close.
There was something about food cooked with so much oil that gave off a scent that threw Folarin off. Kind of like the smell of a leaking petrol tank of a vehicle, or clothes not properly dried and stuffed into closed spaces. It was suffocating, and that was putting it mildly.
He opened his eyes, and the first person he saw was Tayo chewing on a large piece of meat. He looked to be so focused on his task, and Folarin could only picture him the way goats chewed on inedible materials like clothes, yet chose to keep at it.
Tayo stopped chewing and stared down at the meat as if it was being uncooperative in its digestive journey down his throat. Folarin watched, waiting for him to dump the meat somewhere, but Tayo took the entire piece and stuffed it into his mouth.
"Something must kill a man, yours is most likely going to be suffocation from that leather you call a meat," Folarin said. Tayo looked at him and gave him a full grin, the barely masticated meat in view.
"TY," it was Reggie's voice, tinged with irritation, which was rare to hear. "Act like you've been here before."
"What? A graduation ceremony? I experienced one," the words somehow didn't come out jumbled from Tayo's stuffed mouth.
Folarin looked away from him and back at his surroundings. Most people underneath the rented tent were wearing white, and he wondered if there was colour coordination done at graduations as well. He watched the food table as servers opened up more coolers of food, and the air was infused with aromas of all kinds, scents Folarin had grown familiar with at ceremonies, yet it repulsed him at the moment.
He had tried to eat the fried rice earlier, but couldn't get past three spoons. The flavours were clashing, as if an accident was happening inside his mouth. The texture of the rice was not uniform, some soft and hard, as if they had mixed in two kinds of rice. The vegetables weren't sauteed properly, and if he had his way, he would have sanctioned the caterers for cooking such a preposterousness of a meal. And the moinmoin, he didn't even want to go there.
Reggie's brother, Adam, the graduand, was smiling and taking pictures with a bunch of people, gleaming into cameras as he held up his scroll, the cap positioned at a funny angle, the gown sitting smartly across his shoulders.
If Folarin understood what he was doing at that ceremony, his brain might have given him a rational explanation. But two days ago, back in Lagos, when Reggie had mentioned that he was traveling for his brother's graduation in the East, he accepted the invite, which surprised Reggie, mainly because Folarin was always busy. And Folarin's only reason had been because he was bored, not like Tayo who was bewitched from birth to hound after food for the rest of his life, especially the free kind. It had been a road trip, and aches since the day before hung like heavy garbs on Folarin's body.
"Guy," Reggie turned to him, his braids swishing with that motion. "You wan chop? I will get you rice."
Folarin shook his head. "I am not hungry. At least not anymore."
"Is it because of TY?"
"No," Folarin's eyes fell on Tayo's plate, and he could see the greasy marks on the spoon and beneath the rice. The perfect kind of murder weapon for someone with high cholesterol. "I am good."
Tayo spat out the meat, and it landed on the sandy ground. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Unchewable," he said.
"So you are just realizing that?" Folarin sat up. "I need some crackers. Anyone got any?"
"Which one is crackers?" Tayo scooped the rice into his mouth. "It's biscuit! And...omo, this rice is sweet oo. Reggie, get some for Fola."
"If you aren't hungry, why are you asking for crackers?" Reggie asked his friend instead.
"I can see the food is a disaster even before eating it," Folarin said.
Tayo groaned. "Fola, please, don't ruin the vibe."
"Was there one to begin with? I have been sitting here watching people smile and take pictures all day, nothing more." Folarin said.
"And eat sweet Jollof rice," Tayo piped in.
Reggie laughed. "Did I tell you we were coming for an excursion? My younger brother just finished Uni, lighten up."
"You call this a University?" Folarin asked, his eyes wandering around the immaculately trimmed hedges, the tarred road, the lack of enough students milling around. "I had to Google it because I didn't even know it existed. And it is so freaking small."
"Guy...," Tayo pointed a spoon at him in a warning and resumed eating.
"Well, Adam's still got that degree," Reggie said, completely unoffended. He looked at his brother and smiled. "And a whole life ahead of him, did I tell you he is clocking 19 in two months? Public Universities would have wasted his time with strike, our time was wasted back at UNILAG."
"But at least our knowledge is authentic," Folarin said.
"Reggie, hit sense into this guy. Maybe his mouth will stop running," Tayo said.
"Maybe it's you that should stop showing us the horror that is inside your mouth," Folarin shot back. He raised his hand the minute his eyes caught that of Adam and summoned him. Adam, confused, pointed a finger at himself to confirm, and Folarin nodded.
"What are you doing?" Tayo asked.
"I am in a celebratory mood, just like you all," Folarin smiled.
Adam reached them fast, his forehead wearing a sheen, his smile glowing. He whipped away the string of his graduation cap as Folarin extended a hand to shake him.
"My official congratulations," Folarin said.
Adam accepted the shake. "Thank you, Chef."
"So Adam," Folarin pocketed his hands and leaned back into his seat, viewing Adam from the shadow cast by the brim of his face cap. "Tell me, I am looking into the market and I really need to know the Gross Exchange Ratio Statement required for me to know how to calculate my customers' returns. I want to message my guy back at Lagos, since I have a fresh Economist before me, I decided not to waste any time."
"Uhm," Adam glanced at his brother. "The what again?"
"The Gross Exchange Ratio Statement."
Adam adjusted his cap, his gaze returning back to the people he was taking pictures with. He looked back at Folarin, his smile not holding the same glowing quality it possessed earlier.
"I mean...it's easy since it is for your customers. You just...you know...base it on your customers." Adam stumbled.
"Is that so?" Folarin quirked a smile.
"Actually, the marginal ratio will be..."
"Guy," Reggie stopped him. "Don't mind him. He was pulling your legs."
Adam's eyes widened. He looked back at Folarin, doubt dancing in his eyes before he gave an exaggerated laugh.
"I knew it! I was just trying to swerve him in the right direction," Adam continued to laugh. "That was a good joke, Chef."
"Thank you, so is your school."
Tayo hit him on the thigh. Folarin gave him a criminal offensive side-eye.
"I think Mummy is calling me, I have to go," Adam said. "Thank you once again."
Adam moved away quickly, and Tayo wasted no time dishing out his annoyance at his friend.
"You are a bad belle," Tayo said. "If you cannot celebrate, stop being a Grinch."
"Come on, can't play around again?" Folarin asked. "And besides, I just made that up. Your "Economist" that just graduated from this "prestigious University" was supposed to know that from the get-go."
"Tayo is right," Reggie said. He reached for the band around his wrist and drew his jumbo braids back, holding most of the strands in a mini bun at the top of his head. "You have been nothing but a wet rag since we got here."
"The kind of wet rag one finds in the smelliest of gutters." Tayo chipped in.
"Shut up, Tayo," Folarin said. "And come on guys. We are done with the ceremony, let's tour or something." Folarin said. "And I could really use some crackers."
"Biscuit." Tayo corrected. "But Reggie and I will let your behaviour slide, as we always do because I am your brother-in-law."
"I swear TY, if you curse my sister again ehn..."
"No fighting, please," Reggie stopped them. "Tayo is trying to rile you up."
"Rile who up? The person I called last week and we spent an hour on the phone talking," Tayo said. "I swear, I have proof."
"Reggie," Folarin called his friend.
Tayo hissed, and with his other hand free from the oil of the Jollof rice, he reached into his pocket for his phone. He swiped on the screen, but Reggie was fast to grab the phone from him.
"Ahn ahn? Reggie, let me show him na. He thinks I am lying."
"We don't need any proof," Reggie said.
"Let him show me first. That's iPhone 14 you just got, right? I will show you that your money will turn to dust today."
"No problem. Is it not to find a gun and mask and come to your house at midnight?" Tayo said. "Look, life is that easy."
"Did you guys hear anything from Salman recently?" Reggie asked, an obvious attempt to change the topic. Folarin glared at Tayo, and Tayo gave a satisfactory hum, the oil of the rice glossing his lips.
"Nah, I think he traveled for his Masters or something," Folarin finally responded. "He should be in the UK."
"Ha!" Tayo dropped his plate on the ground. "Everyone is just going for Masters in the UK. It's so normal now it is like saying you are traveling to Abuja. I am telling you it is only Nigerians that full UK now."
"Says the person that hasn't stepped foot inside the UK airport," Folarin said.
"Fucking classist," Tayo retorted.
"He could have said something. Was almost worried about him," Reggie sighed.
"I am glad I won't have to see his face for a long time," Folarin said. "He talked like he had mouth diarrhea. Whatever bug infected him transferred to Tayo."
"Let's just pray it doesn't transfer to your sister when we marry."
"If you dare," Reggie warned when Folarin made to move out of his seat. "Let's just go get your crackers to crank your hanger down a notch."
"I am not hungry," Folarin argued.
"I know, you are hangry," Reggie rose from his seat. He put an arm around Folarin and steered him away from the tent. "And by the way, do you have plans on returning to Lagos soon? We could check out some sites for the next three days if you aren't."
"And we could teach the caterers how to make a decent meal," Folarin added. "How can someone mess up fried rice? Everything was mush and it tasted like baby's vomit."
"I honestly think you becoming a Chef was the best thing that happened to you," Reggie said. "And the worst."
Folarin tapped on his friend's shoulder. "But if I am called back to Lagos, I have to go. Apparently, Chef Rouge wants me to discuss some new arrangements, didn't say what, but I hope it's good news."
"Oya oo, you two, hurry up," Tayo said as he passed them, a toothpick working at his teeth. "Let's go and get biscuits. They don't serve dessert here. Can you imagine?"
Tayo walked on ahead, his massive arms swinging, and Folarin rubbed at his forehead.
"And for the record, I had no intention of being a wet rag," Folarin told Reggie. "But I still stand on my truth. This University is a sham."
Reggie smiled. "No offense taken."