Verando instinctively pats his pockets as we wait for Tomas to come with our luggage. I can't help but watch him out of the corner of my eye, he'd found a lighter, clutching it as if it was his life blood while searching through the pockets of his jeans.
Eve sits at his feet, watching with a slight look of concern as his moments toss her leash lightly. It was a look I recognized, he looked like someone desperate for a little release from the mounting anxiety of a long plane ride. He was at his wit's end, tolerance lost after practically three days we'd been traveling, with multiple layovers and long flights.
"Where are my bloody cigarettes?" he murmurs, sighing roughly to cast the lighter down the vacant hall of the terminal, I cringe as it glints down the hard paneling and shatters against the wall.
It's a hard moment, do I touch him, do I let him stew and avoid him? There was a part of me, the damaged part, that wanted to shrink to the side and wait for him to come back to himself but I also recognized that was not something our kids were wise of. Boldly, I take his hand, feeling the heat radiating off of him as he twists his fingers out of mine in a rigid recoil.
"Nic..."
"You scare me when you act like this," I tell him plainly, without blame but with honesty. "I don't like not knowing what's coming. You told me you were quitting, do you remember?" I keep my tone level, even, avoiding the nausea that seemed to rise with the sun. We'd both hardly slept, the plane ride here was long and turbulent. But with the mountain air of Tennessee greeting us as we entered the main airport, I was happy to be home.
In silence we walk, I note he's put on his Alpha expression, jaw tight and hard while his teeth grit quietly together. "I remember." He finally allows, flinching at the dramatic yawn from Tomas as our companion joins us, followed by Rowan who seemed to be tolerating the trip well. She sips lightly on a coffee, clutching a drink carrier in her hands.
"Caffeine?" She offers, "It'll help with the cravings."
Verando reluctantly takes the coffee marked black, wrinkling his nose in distaste as I thank her.
"Ah, there's the Randal I remember. I'd worried ya gone and turned soft, good ta see yer still a right ass in the mornin' when ya don't get your beauty sleep." Tomas moves to pat the man on the back but I grab his wrist, shooting him a warning glance.
"Not today, Tomas," I tell him shortly, the man was grating on my own nerves. My wolf was on edge, my hormones in overdrive, and the need to not let the brute touch what belonged to me was at the forefront of my mind.
We get a couple of passing glances, a tall gray-haired man and a short red-haired foreigner, we stood out like a sore thumb. At least Verando's skin color matched the tone for the south, but my olive nature immediately drew attention to my difference. If we were hoping to gain sanctuary here, we had to hope that we were still in favor. Rowan opens her phone, speaking lightly, my ears tune in to what sounds like Victor on the other end.
"I've got a ride for us outside. Do you want us to accompany you to the farm or would you like us to go check in on your other home?" The formality of Rowan often made me forget she was my daughter in some regards. She was professional enough for her and Tomas.
Before Verando can speak, I slip my arm into his, clutching him to my side. "No, I can handle it. I'll take him home, where are the boys?"
"I told Adriam to keep them for the night, I didn't know when we'd be getting in and frankly, I need a minute." Running a hand through his hair, the dark circles under his eyes don't go unnoticed. We were both running on empty, one more night wouldn't be the end of the world, much as I missed them terribly.
"Probably for the best, I know you'll want to do a perimeter check of the property." I excuse away his avoidance of our children, knowing it wasn't personal, it came with the foul temper of a warlord on the mend. The man was used to a miraculous healing time, this seemed to be dragging on, yet we underestimated just how broken his body was.
If I wasn't a lycan myself, I might have noticed more quickly that he was leaning on me slightly for support. He was almost limping, sore from being seated for so long. This was the reason he was so upset, so foul, he would be unable to do a proper perimeter check in his current state. He'd be slow, he'd be vulnerable and relying on me to keep us safe.
Pulling my lips into a thin line, I squeeze his arm, "Actually Tomas, can you come help us for just a bit? Maybe I can make us a quick lunch and we can settle in before you go. My stomach is tricky these days, it would be nice to make something for myself and Verando is never as fond of my cooking." Light-hearted as I can manage, Tomas quickly obliges me while Rowan seems slightly more concerned.
I owed it to him to at least do what I could to make him feel at ease.
Loading into the car, Verando willingly slides into the passenger seat as I opt to drive. Car sickness was less likely if I was the one directing the vehicle. Verando was brooding, and I was sorting through how best to help him. His brow pulled down just slightly, his body emitting a heavy aura of distaste for his current situation, I could unravel those features all day and attempt to dissect exactly what he was going through.
Perhaps it was the nature of the fight, that something so simple turned into something so complicated, or I could also fathom that the simplicity of it was why David was able to catch us off guard. Over and over my wolf played that scene in my head, watching my husband become a play thing for the creature.
I'd seen it once before, that was enough, and never to that extent. A deadly blow to his pride, not only was he injured, he could be defeated. Verando's hand slides to his side once more, shutting his eyes and tilting his head back into the seat with a slow, controlled exhale.
"Are you hurting?"
"Would you like the truth?" He asks, his voice low, hard. I wait patiently for that truth, keeping both hands on the wheel to avoid touching him.
"I've got an ache that is very hard to fill. Something I've avoided and never truly addressed, I've mostly just cycled through addictions. Opium, cigarettes, alcohol, sex... all that's left in this body is me, and I'm not quite a fan of 'me' right now. This darkness is bloody well overwhelming as if I can't breathe, and when I do it's like knives going down my throat. I'm good with pain, I'm not good with dealing with... this." He mutters, keeping his voice low, staring at the ceiling of the car.
I feel a cold nose between the arms over the seats, Eve rested her head on the armrest so that she could touch him.
"This?" I ask, keeping my tone even.
"Whoever the fuck this person is sitting next to you. This body, this trashed, beat-to-shit body."
I flinch, letting him vent, trying not to take it personally.
"I'm obsolete, worthless. Too afraid to take a damned shower without shaking, too damaged to carry my own bags-" he scoffs, clenching his hand into a fist hard enough that his knuckles pop. "Every time I close my eyes, I see Sota laughing at me, with that smug grin like he knew this was going to happen. It's like a line of everyone I've had to pass to get to this point is linked together somehow, pulling me down, waiting until I let my guard down."
A single tear streaks down my cheek, I quickly blink it away, keeping my eyes focused on the road and letting him speak. "You're tired. We're all tired. You were fine just three days ago-" I try and reason with him, I never understood this part, how he could be laughing and happy and then telling me that he was drowning. It wasn't something I'd gone through, not a demon I'd struggled with.
"There's a difference between fine and alive, Nic." With a curse, he smacks the window, shattering it. Making me jump, making Eve bark in shock, showering the car door with glass, and making me swerve with the surprise. I nearly slam on the brakes, before I quickly pull over and throw the car into park. Tomas's tires screech as he flies past me, no doubt horrified.
Taking a deep, slow breath, I toss my hand, pulling the humidity out of the air to seal the window back up in a sheet of ice. Eve whines, ducking down between the seats and for some reason, my wolf retaliates that he acted so rashly and scared her, not only her but me as well. Me, my baby, my dog- I feel my body trembling.
"Stop." I tell him firmly. "You are allowed to be upset, and I understand that this is not something any of us expected, but you are not allowed to do this." Keeping the waiver out of my voice, I refuse to let myself cry, I refuse to revert back to someone who allows him to escalate. "You're not allowed to scare me away, to have a fit and break things. We have two children who are expecting to see us tomorrow, we have a child right here between us, and a dog who is doing her best to cope with how you're acting."
Seeing Tomas open his car door, I sling my hand, slamming his car door back shut with a gust of wind. We both take slow deep breaths, I finally meet his gaze, glaring right back at him as he searches my face. That stubbled jaw taught, the leaves threatening to change behind him could have been beautiful if this man that I'd agreed to love wasn't glowering at me.
"It wasn't supposed to be like this. I should have healed by now... I'm the one who protects people, how am I supposed to keep any of you safe like this? How can I be a man, how can I expect you to look at me the same when this is what's left of me?" He raises his voice just slightly, the hurt clear in his tone, the fear there of the unknown. He was breaking, fracturing, losing faith in what we'd built and how we could last.
Did he truly think that I could love him any less? That I could possibly see him any differently? "This is not permanent." I retort shortly.
"What if it is?" He challenges back. "I've been through this hell before, with my shoulder, it was bloody well different, Nic. I didn't expect to get broken in half by a damned barbarian... fuck." Leaning back into his seat, he clenches his fists to rest them firmly on his thighs. I slam Tomas's door again, making the car rock as I sigh heavily and we bake in the silence.
"Then I'll protect you, protect us, is that what you're worried about? That I won't see you as a man? Randy, I'm not going to start bending you over and treating you like you're less than me. You're my husband, my partner, you are the only one who's worried about this. I understand you have hardly gotten your ass kicked, but this is how it feels-"
Gritting his teeth, I see the frustration building, watching him attempt to sort through it as he composes his face despite the heat radiating off of him. "I'm well aware of how it feels to get my ass kicked. I just so desperately wanted to never feel that powerless ever again. Nic, I-" Shaking his head, he runs his hand through his hair once more, "Damn it I could go for a cigarette..."
Extending my hand, I slip my fingers through his to squeeze his palm. "We are both pretty fucked up, you know," I tell him gently, waiting for him to meet my gaze. "I'm scared, too. Of who we are, and who we've become. We kill people, and make deals we shouldn't make, all in the name of safety. I've even asked you to do horrendous things because I know you can. But Randy, we have to figure this out, because we are all these kids have got and I'll be damned if they hate me the way I hated my father."
With a harsh laugh, he shakes his head once more in disbelief. "What if there's no coming back from who we are? From what I am? If someone comes for us, what if I make the wrong decision and it costs us everything?"
Considering this, I squeeze his hand once more, running my thumb over one of the long scars that cross-hatched over his fingers. We'd fought together in wars, and battles, for our lives and for our honor, for each other and for others, and now we were expected to step off the chopping block and live amongst the sheep.
What if they saw through us? It was something I worried about, too. Our circles were those like us, but we were banned from most of those places, deemed unfit for the game they played. We were supposed to go on like normal people, live normal lives, what we'd always wanted, and yet it'd come and we were so vastly different than who we were.
"I think that's supposed to be part of the human experience. To give these kids, and ourselves, the lives we wanted. I can't say my childhood was particularly poor, lacking in love in some regards, and a touch sheltered and boring, but something to improve on certainly. I'm going to be here to help you navigate this. You're such a good father, Randy. We can take a breath, that's what Ron was trying to tell you, nobody is coming for us."
The words sound wrong coming from my lips, a fairy tale that we were both trying to live in. The reality was, even if they did, how could we retaliate without returning under the microscope of the law and the government? We had to be careful when it came to our living quarters and security, but it was doable, it had to be because it was the only option we had left.
Taking my face in his hands, he closes the distance between us, crushing his lips to mine as he kisses me. I part my lips, deepening the kiss as I struggle not to pull him to me. I could feel the strain, knowing it was uncomfortable to cross the space like this. I kiss him for as long as he'd let me, until we're both breathless and I push him back across the car to create some distance before I do something I regret. "If it helps, you're still ungodly attractive," I tell him, flustered, as I buckle my seatbelt once more.
This does seem to bring a small boyish grin, though it doesn't touch his eyes, he puts on a good act as I know he's going through the motions. "At least there's that. Spared me my looks, I could be a lovely trophy wife." He mumbles, exhaling in frustration as he surveys the damage to the window and I pull back onto the main road.
"Nah, you have to much.. how do you say it.. back chat? Aren't those sorts of wives supposed to be obedient?" I quip, making him glare at me with a low growl and I can't help but giggle at his expression. I'd managed to earn my favorite look and I know I have him back, if only for a moment.