I was glowing, radiating!
"Ches!" I yelled again down the hall but still got no answer.
I looked again, staring down the hall, able to see a flickering candle some distance away but after that, only space and darkness. It might take hours to get to the end. Maybe if I waited, she would return. I could lay on the floor and look at the stars until she returned. She would be glad to see me. I looked in the mirror again, but I was not there. I was seriously not there. It was just darkness, not even the flicker of the candlelight. I glanced back into the den; the dim shadows cast by the candles danced dimly on the stippled ceiling again. The roof was back, with no stars. Back to my right, the hall stretched endlessly. Before me again, the mirror, empty of everything, including myself, staring ever so intently, waiting and hoping I would reappear.
Then they came, the faces one by one forming from nothing, maybe thoughts or dreams. They came from the void overlapping one another as they struggled to take center. I recognized them. My mother, as I knew her as a child, her face young, smiling, and full of promise, then as I knew when I was a young man, angry, disappointed, and tired. As an old lady, her countenance became scornful, and when I wanted to turn away, someone else took over, my father, the last time I saw him. He was wearing a navy blue button-down shirt that someone special had given him. I couldn't hear his voice, but I remembered his words. He was chiding me about not being more, not having potential, not trying, and not making a mark. His lips moved slowly, and the words whispered back to me through time and space; in my ears, the hurt came again.
One after another, people and scenes from my past appeared and seemed all hell-bent on plucking the strands of sadness from my past and wrapping them around me like a spider's catch. My face and skin glowed no more. I lost all self-awareness, except the needling pain deep inside me, somewhere forming like a storm cloud over Kamchatka. I just stood and watched.
'He's just so exciting, Nick; he's exciting to be with. I love you, and I always will, but you're safe. You're just so,' the young woman paused, searching for a friendlier word perhaps but unable to come up with one, retreated to her original choice.
'Safe.'
I then hovered over myself in the school bathroom, watching my young self standing next to the tilt-out window for air, tears silently rolling down my cheeks, dealing with my parent's divorce. Then the sudden eruption of laughter and banter as other boys poured into the room behind me. I watched as the little boy I once was tried to remain still and become invisible. I knew what was coming even though I had not visited those thoughts in many years.
A careless teacher took it upon herself to tell the entire class what had happened in my home in my absence. Bo Scott decided it would be funny to pick at me, and when he saw the tears, it only incited his pitiless juvenile mind to try and do more damage. Sensing easy prey, he stepped too far, however. He tried to start the others in a chant.
"Nick, don't have a daddy! Nick, don't have a daddy!"
I knew what was coming but was powerless to stop in. I watched the scared, angry, and hurt little me tear into the would-be bully. The first punch broke his nose and sent blood splattering across the wall and mirrors above the row of sinks. Bo was already on his way down, covering his face with his hands while I beat him as hard as I could. Killing him was my intention. I don't think I would have stopped had he not laid still. The horror-shocked face of Ms. Weathers took the center of the mirror and then faded away.
Then fractional moments of happiness flashed before me, my best friend in the world, Cato, my Chow. But sadly, they were his last moments. He paced and panted, finally dropping into my lap and putting his face squarely in my hands. I rubbed his thick little perfect ears as the last glowing embers of life burned away.
Then as tears filled my eyes, the scenes came rapid fire. I passed the hearse carrying my grandfather's body; I stood in the cold hospital hallway, unable to walk into the room to identify my lifeless father. I held my grandmother's hand as she pleaded, 'Help me,' as Alzheimer's finally took away any vestiges of the woman I knew. Finally, the scornful faces of my sister, grown to look and act much like our mother in her demeanor, questioning my existence, my inability to assimilate to live a "normal" life, preferring I not come to family functions.
Then finally, the mirror faded to black, leaving nothing but my shirtless form and messy hair reflection. I looked into the sad, downcast eyes. I saw a feckless waste of a man living according to ideals no one cared about anymore, forever seeming to run in place, without a plan and usually alone. One by one, the people I loved and felt close to appeared and then disappeared; an image of Franceska waving goodbye as she glanced over her shoulder walking away was the last thing I saw.
"Nick!"
Franceska gasped suddenly from nowhere, startling me.
I moved to cover myself, no longer glowing, now just an aging naked man before her in the near darkness of my home. I squinted to see her more clearly, feeling the wrinkles forming at the corners of my eyes, stiffening with tear salt. Ches stopped my movement as if she were in slow motion, putting her hands on my shoulders and turning me away from the mirror, then moving with me, taking my face in her hands and kissing me over and over all over my face and forehead, ears, nose, and chin. I could feel her lips, unique in their print, their soft warmth pressing against me slowly, pausing, then drawing together my skin as they withdrew and moved on. I was barely getting used to the sensation in one place when it began in another.
Suddenly she released me, turned back to the mirror and quickly took it off the wall, and disappeared carrying it, causing a moment of panic, but just as quickly as it rose, it fell again with her near-instant return. Then back to the chair, she led me by the hand. I remembered how to sit this time. Ches leaned over and wiped my face again, then carefully straddled me in the chair, her knees sliding up either side of me, holding me secure. She held my face again, and even though I wasn't saying anything, she shushed me and rubbed her soft skin across my forehead like a cat.
"My Nick, I covered the mirrors. I told you. Nick, you can't trust the mirror. The mirrors, they always lie."
She kissed me tenderly, still holding my head; the strands of her hair fell forward and tickled my face. She didn't stop; she kissed each lip thoroughly, then breathed into me, kissing my open mouth, our tongues touching briefly once more before she sat up and untied her robe, letting it fall behind her. Ches stretched, raising her arms above her head momentarily, then looked back at me, catching my gaze at her naked body, and smiled, breathing a small laugh as she inched herself gently further into my lap.
Ches leaned forward, nestled her face into my neck, and gently teased me inside her. Slowly she rocked back, adjusting her legs several times before she became comfortable. When our bodies met, there was warmth, even safety. I gently caressed her back, running my fingertips from her hips to her shoulders and back. She stopped momentarily, found my hands and kissed them, then pressed herself tightly against me and whispered in my left ear.
"Te ibusec, Nick, pentru totdeauna."
She kissed me softly; our noses touched until I opened my eyes again and looked directly into hers. Her pupils were a deep shade of red, much like the night I first saw her. It was a clear memory, unshakable. Ches leaned back and pulled me up straight, wrapped her legs entirely around me, and began grinding her hips into me harder and harder, squeezing and scratching my back and sides gently.
"Frumoasa mea sotie, Franceska, te iubesc."
The warmer our bodies became, the harder it was to hold her tight; finally, she pushed me hard back against the soft cushions of the chair, then slowly found my hands and held them tightly beside me. She held herself over me, and we stared into each other's eyes, losing all time, space, and semblance of the world outside our impassioned embrace. At that moment, all I felt was Franceska's warm skin gripping and surrounding me, the strength of her gentle, healing hands, fingers squeezing tightly between mine, and the faint scent of her perfume as it lingered in the space around me. Her kisses became more aggressive; her calming earthy breath rushed over me as Ches eliminated the space between us, her breasts soothingly pressing against my chest ever so tighter.
I was aware only of her movements, her breathing, and the feel of our hearts as they beat together. Around me, there was only darkness, no sensation other than the writhing and slippery grinding movements of the mesmeric woman before me. My sadness was undoubtedly gone but replaced with mild curiosity. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on her. It was a familiar feeling, familiar thought. 'Why me?'
"Because, Nick, because I love you," Franceska said.
It startled me! I opened my eyes, and I was standing in a white opalescent echoing room that towered above me; a liminal space, the indeterminate source of light around me made the ceiling challenging to distinguish from the glasslike pink iridescent swirled walls, folded over in a smooth wave above me. The walls glinting with silver-like strands made me instinctively want to touch them. It felt strange, yet familiar, and though Franceska's voice answered my initial self-question, she was nowhere around. I just stood staring at the smooth walls and ceiling, trying to put together what was happening.
"Franceska!" I shouted.
The sound reverberated throughout the space returning to me; when it stopped, the room momentarily filled with a rushing sound like a gentle tide coming in.
"That's it! I know what this is! It's the Conch shell! It used to sit on my Grandmother's bookshelves in the den!"
Then Ches answered, but I felt it, heard it clearly but in my mind. The sound did not echo like the sound of my voice.
"You say funny things, Nick; now come, come to me."
I felt her hands come around me from behind and squeeze me tightly, only they were not there, but I could feel them. Her hand moved over my chest and rested on my heart. I could feel her chin on my right shoulder and her head resting against mine. It was comforting, familiar.
"But I don't know where...."
I turned as I began answering her request, and suddenly I was outside in the sun, no giant conch shell, no den, only rolling meadows of flowers bordered by thick dark evergreens. I was stunned. I stood in silence, letting the light warm my body and face.
"I am here, Nick," Franceska said.
I wasn't even startled. It felt like I was expecting her. She embraced me warmly. I was glad to see her, so happy to touch her and know she was there. She took my hand and led the way down the gently sloping bank of the meadow we were standing in. The flowers of all shapes and colors were tall, maybe waist-high in some places. They brushed against our naked bodies as we moved through them. Ches slowed down a step or two, and we walked side by side, holding hands. She kept rubbing and fiddling with my wedding band and smiling at me.
"Where are we, Ches?"
I finally asked.
"Together," she said, smiling.
"Yes, but where together?" I persisted.
"We are making love, Nick. We are connected, our minds, bodies, and souls, we are one, and we are in the place we have created together," she paused a moment looking out at the green fields full of flowers, the dark green trees, and a sky filled with the warm light and colors of a tropical sunset.
"And I think it is beautiful."
I paused with her, took it all in myself, and had to agree that it was beautiful, idyllic even.
"Nick, when you wake from all of this, you will be okay. You will be changed, but you will also be the same. I will be beside you every step," she said, tugging my arm to walk with her.
"Are you really talking to me?"
Franceska smiled, laughed even, turned to me, put her hand behind my head, and pulled me to her for a kiss.
"My mind is talking to you, silly. Yours is talking to me. We are here, together in this space, our minds, Nick. We can do this, you know? With more practice, you will become quite good at it. I have been doing this alone for so long alone. I am glad to have you in my life."
She kissed me again and held her head against me tightly.
"What about, well, what about the rest of us?"
Ches giggled again as if exasperated that she would have to guide me through every detail.
"The rest of us, Nick, is making love. Rather I am making love to you. You are enjoying yourself, but don't worry; I am enjoying you too."
She cupped her hands over her mouth like she had let something inappropriate slip.
We continued to walk. A warm breeze blew in, and I swore I could smell just the faintest scent of cedar. It had to be; it was unmistakable. We talked about our future mainly and our biggest fears. Mine was losing her. Funny that I had gone so long without anyone in my life to come home to, and now that I had someone and had these unique circumstances, I was afraid I would lose her. I couldn't think about it, just imagining the time alone should she sicken of me. It was almost unbearable.
She listened and understood and told me we might know quite a bit about each other in a few years but still would only know some things. We might never know everything, but we would be growing together, learning together, and learning how to care for each other. What could be better than that?
My most significant adjustment was going to be time. I had to learn to think of it so differently. My life view was going through a significant circumstantial shift, and I needed her patience and guidance to get through it.
"But," I said.
"I still want life to feel like it did, sometimes like it was back in Constanța. I loved taking quiet walks with you, holding your hand, watching the stars at night, cooking dinner for you, and taking naps."
"I love to take naps!"
"I know," I agreed.
"I've never enjoyed life as much as I did then, Ches. It was all the small things, those are the things that matter, and I don't want to lose any of that stuff."
"You better not!"
She shot back with laughter.
"That is why I agreed to marry you, Mr. Nick Adams, because all those things mattered to you, and you took your time and made me feel loved and special, the only one who mattered in the world, and Nick, you wanted me."
"I did, I do," I agreed.
"I know you did. I wanted you too. Now we have each other. Now, my Nick, you need to put that worry behind you. Whenever you get worried, I will be here to remind you of what we have and will have. I will have a best friend for life."
She hugged me gently and put her chin over my shoulder.
"I will, too, Ches."
"Oh, look!" She said, spinning me around to see a short grassy clearing amongst the tall flowers.
She pulled me with her until we stood in the middle of the spot; the soft, delicate grass beneath my feet felt cool and carpet-like. We fell together and lay on our backs, looking at the sky above as tangled wisps of clouds passed overhead.
"Nick, I was so afraid to meet you. I had created so many wishes about you in my mind; what if you were not the man I dreamt you to be? It would be no fault of yours, but I was not ready to be disappointed."
She turned on her side and began running her hand across my chest.
"I wanted you in Constanța but could not bring you there. I could not control your free will. It had to be done by you. And you came, and I met you, and then I realized all of the wishes I had created were pale compared to the real you, the real man full of humor, sweet kindness, and curiosity. After spending even a little time with you, I wanted to learn more; I still want to learn more."
I was about to answer but found it hard; it was like my brain ceased to connect to my mouth; hell, I could barely even form the words. Ches leaned on one elbow and began kissing my ear and down the side of my face, then suddenly stopped.
She got a wide grin, her eyes widened, and her face went flush with the softest pink color that turned rose on her freckled cheeks.
"Uh oh, Nick, I think it's time we go," she said as she kissed me purposefully.