Summary: Natasha and Wanda break up, and Natasha is suddenly reminded of what emotions feel like. Based on the song by Dean Lewis.
Warnings: angst/ eventual fluff
Word count: 3.6k
Natasha's gaze lifts from the floor, settling on her pale green eyes. Although, they seem different this time. Instead of their usual sparkle, they're dull, more grey than green. Natasha's left wondering whether the worry lines on her face have always looked so vivid. Only this time they seem to have invaded her laugh lines too. Natasha doesn't allow her attempt at avoiding her gaze.
There's a strange welling of water all caught up in her eyes and it confuses her for a moment. A single, salty tear falls from her left eye and Natasha's sudden fears are confirmed.
Wanda's head sharply turns away, but not before Natasha notices another tear fall, dropping delicately onto the pavement below her.
She swallows hard. "Wands," her voice cracks.
She desperately stares at her, as if that's going to make everything better again. It doesn't.
"Wanda, detka, please look at me," Natasha asks, trying to not cry herself. She doesn't understand. Everything was fine. Nothing happened.
"Don't call me that." It's harsh and rather uncalled for. So much so that Natasha feels herself gulp. She backtracks. "I'm sorry I-"
A cold laugh escapes Natasha's lips. And as quickly as Wanda could tear down her walls, they build back up. Traces of emotions dissipate from her eyes, steeling her face. "Don't call you what?"
Wanda shakes her head, "forget it."
Natasha reaches for her hand but she flinches and pulls it away. But not before her fingertips brush against her knuckles. It's cold. It's never cold. Or rather, never had been before.
Natasha's own voice betrays her, "what's wrong?"
"I'm sorry-" she chokes on her own sobs, beginning to spiral. Her usual smiley face has converted to the dark side. Her eyes are blood shot and puffy and she sniffles. The sight alone breaks her. "We- I can't."
Natasha waits.
"It's not your fault." She tries again, voice breaking effortlessly. "You were so good to me, Nat. I- I loved you but-"
Loved.
All she hears is white noise. Her whole body is trembling, trying everything in her power to not break down. She fails, a single tear falling.
She watches Wanda's lips move but her ears have already tuned it out. Natasha pinches the bridge of her nose, trying anything to steady herself. Her head is spinning. The world is spinning. Everything is wrong.
The colour drains from her face at Wanda's last words. "We can't be together anymore."
Her tear stained cheeks are red as she wipes her eyes. Natasha's frozen. Wanda leans up and pecks her cheek ever so lightly. The contact burns and Natasha wants to run away. Where? Anywhere. Anywhere but here.
Her sad gaze lingers for a moment too long before Wanda's walking away.
The worst part being that Natasha still loves her.
***
Natasha's basically ripping my hair out as she paces Yelena's living room. She couldn't bare being in New York anymore. It reminds her too much of her.
A shaky hand threads through Natasha's knotted hair, loose and messy all over her shoulders. There's a lump in her throat, too large to swallow. Her chest is swelling up which isn't really surprising since there's now a gap where her heart used to be.
Natasha halts in her tracks for a moment, pulling out her phone. "I have to talk to her, Yelena, I-"
"No." Yelena says sternly from her place on the couch. "Give me your phone."
Natasha shakes her head, avoiding eye contact at all costs. She slots her phone back into her pocket and continues to pace.
"Natalia." Her patient voice startles Natasha. How she remains so calm in 911 situations will forever remain a mystery to her. "Just stop." It's calm, quiet and well kept together. And it does exactly as she intended.
Natasha stops.
"I can't just delete her number. We're still teammates. We- I mean, I still have to see her. Everyone has everyone's number right? It's just normal." She scolds herself for letting her voice get so weak and sound so hoarse. The tears are already welling in her eyes. Natasha bites her lip harshly, trying everything in her power to stop the tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. "Even though we broke up." That was all it took.
Her limp limbs fall to the ground, the tears she had tried so hard to keep at bay escape her dilute eyes. She's broken. Wanda broke her.
"Nat," she hears a soft voice towering over her. Disappointment floods through her. "You're gonna be okay."
Before she knows it, strong arms wrap around her quivering body. Natasha tries to stop the tears, but it's impossible. So instead, she stays curled up, pathetically wrapped in her sister's arms as a river of tears drip down her cheeks. A mess, that's what she is.
"It hurts so much." She chokes out through sobs while her body shakes violently. Her whole world is crumbling all around her and there is literally nothing she can do to prevent it. It's out of her control. "I still love her."
Silence. Apart from, of course, her obnoxiously loud cries of pain. Yes, pain. It grates her own ears.
Natasha feels Yelena shake her head from beside her. "I know." She whispers in her ear, a hand soothing over her hair. "It's going to hurt, but you'll get through it. Pain only makes us stronger, remember?"
Natasha sniffles slightly, unwrapping herself from Yelena's grasp. She flops back on the couch and runs nimble fingers underneath her swollen eyes. "You're right. Thank you." Her unsteady breathing starts to find a normal pattern again. Quiet, sharp sounds leave her throat uncontrollably since the tears are still leaking from her eyes. This was the first time she had broken down since Wanda broke things off. The first time she had let herself feel something other than the numbness she was used to succumbing to.
***
The first time Natasha sees her is a few months later when she gets called back to training before a mission. She dreads having to face her again, but she knew what she was getting herself into when she started dating a teammate.
It's only the two of them left in the locker room after training one evening. Natasha lets out a shaky breath, knowing she can't escape since she still has to pick up her sweaty training gear which just so happened to be- great. Of course it has to be where she is, doesn't it?
Natasha tries to subtly move past her and pick it up but she gets noticed. Of course she does. Wanda's placing a hand on her shoulder before she can move away.
"Natasha," she huffs, puffing a strand of loose dark hair which had just fallen over her face. Natasha manages to stop herself from moving it for her just in time. "Please, just-"
She cuts herself off. Natasha eyes are on her feet, mentally praying for this to be over, praying she could just be back in her room, tucked in her large bed. Not having to deal with her. Natasha bites the inside of her cheek, slowly looking up at her.
Natasha's hand briefly touches Wanda's cheek. It's cold and the sensation prickles up her fingertips in the most unpleasant way possible. Natasha shivers.
She notices her mistake almost instantly when Wanda's palm is wrapping around her now trembling wrist. Natasha misses her touch. But this isn't the same.
Natasha yanks her hand away from her grip, picks up her dirty training gear, and without turning back, walks out of the room.
***
The next time Natasha sees her is at the mission. She opts to sticking by Yelena's side throughout the majority of it - she became an Avenger a few months ago to spend more time with her sister. Natasha can't bare the thought of looking or interacting with Wanda. So she doesn't. Luckily enough, they aren't partnered up for it, and there is nothing that made them need to interact.
That was, until last night.
She slots the keycard to her hotel room into the lock. The heavy door creaks open and Natasha winces when it crashes shut after she lets go. The sight before her, however, is something Natasha was not prepared for. Could probably never be prepared for. And something she definitely did not want happening now of all times.
She just wanted a nice, quiet relaxing evening laying bed after a shower, to rest her aching limbs after a long day of searching through abandoned warehouses.
Natasha knew it wasn't going to be easy, rooming with her ex's best friend, even if said best friend didn't know they were together. But she most certainly was not expect this.
Her roommate kissing her ex.
Everything goes blurry.
Natasha's vision is fogged and hazy under a thick cloud of fresh tears brimming at the corners of her eyes. A sudden pang of nausea forms in her stomach. Her head aches, eyes sting, stomach wrenches. Anything but this.
Natasha tries closing and reopening her eyes, wondering if this is just a never ending nightmare that she'll never wake up from. It's not. This is reality.
As soon as her presence is known, they break apart.
"Jesus Christ, Nat. Are you okay?" She takes a mental note that Wanda is staying silent. She's quite literally stood in the corner by the wall, trying not to cry, wanting to be anywhere but here. Somewhere nice and sunny perhaps, at a beach somewhere, with nothing to worry about but if the amount of sunscreen she had applied is enough to stop her burning.
Natasha manages to nod her head. "Sorry for interrupting." She murmurs, wondering how on earth she had managed to form words. "I'll leave you two alone." The pain is evident in her voice, but she couldn't have help it if she tried. That's the worst part about being with Wanda, Natasha decides, is that she makes you feel.
"Wait, Natasha," Darcy stops her. "This is your room, too. We can leave."
"No, no, I... I'll go room with Val. You two can share this room." Natasha says, scurrying around the room to collect her things. She wanted to be anywhere but this room right now, even if they were both gone. "It's fine." She lies, shoving a hoodie into her bag before throwing the bag over her shoulder and quickly hurrying out of the room.
Betrayal. That's the best word to describe how she's feeling. Betrayed. Even if Wanda isn't hers anymore. Even after all this time, Natasha's still an idiot and still loves her.
"Actually," Wanda calls out but Natasha's already out the door. However, that doesn't mean she doesn't catch her words. "I'm rooming with Carol."
Natasha doesn't go to Carol's room. She heads straight to Kate's, knowing that, even though Yelena isn't required for the rest of the mission anymore, she would be here. But also knowing Kate's roommate, Valkyrie, despite putting them in different rooms for obvious reasons, would be in with Carol.
Natasha knocks, or rather bangs on the door, not knowing how much longer she can contain herself. It seems selfish dragging Yelena into all this, and to be honest, she doesn't know why she still does. She has her own life now to worry about now. Her own freedom. She should be thinking about that rather than some idiot who's love life is confusing and unfair and in complete and utter shambles.
Yelena opens the door almost right away, frowning before her expression softens and she's dragging Natasha inside before the door is closed. Upon a quick scan of the room, Natasha notices Kate isn't in here at the moment. "She's grabbing food for us." Yelena tells her softly, able to read her sister like an open book. She leads her to the bed and pats a spot next to her.
"I saw her."
"You've seen her everyday for two weeks, Tasha."
Natasha shakes her head. "She was in my room."
"What was she doing in there?" Her patience will never go unthanked for.
Natasha swallows hard, steadying her breath. "Kissing Darcy." A flurry of tears escape her eyes, causing for her words to get muddled up in a pained noise.
"What? But- I thought?"
"I know," Natasha mumbles despite the obvious crack in her voice.
"Oh, sestra." She hums, wrapping Natasha up tightly in her arms once more. "How about some vodka?"
And so Natasha drinks her sorrows away. When Kate comes back ten minutes later, she doesn't say anything, just slides the fresh bottle she was asked to buy next to the two sisters. It's not the best coping mechanism but Natasha's kind of desperate at the moment.
Her everything's hurting and drinking seems to be the only way forward.
***
When Natasha sees her again properly, it isn't until a few months after their previous encounter. This time, it's in Natasha's room at the compound.
The mission was successful. They managed to retain the agents the following day after Darcy intercepted a phone call and Natasha cornered them in an alleyway. It didn't really need the lot of them, but all had been quiet recently in the compound, so even the smallest mission would take as many team members as deemed possible before the number became ridiculous.
Wanda's knocking at her door without Natasha knowing who it is. Therefore, she opens it and a teary-eyed brunette is standing there, red splotches littering her cheeks, dark bags under her eyes, her sclera is bloodshot and her cheeks are puffing with her raspy breaths. She looks a wreck.
Natasha eyes one of her old hoodies, the small, red hour glass logo printed to the left of her chest. She raises an eyebrow and wonders if Wanda had put it on subconsciously. Tony had insisted on getting them all a merch deal a few years after the Avengers were established, to 'improve their branding', as he had put it.
"You don't have to go round repping my logo now that we're not together." Natasha jokes, trying to lighten the air which had abruptly become so tense all of a sudden. She just wants to see her crack a smile or something. She hates seeing her look so broken, so distraught.
It does exactly the opposite of what Natasha intended. Wanda sniffles instead, a tear falling from her disoriented eye.
"Can-" it's croaky and Wanda has to stop herself and start over. "Can I come in?" She sounds so weirdly weak, like she could quite literally break in two at any moment. "Please?" Natasha takes pity on her and step back, opening the door.
She lets it shut behind her as she leads Wanda further into the room.
"What happened?" Natasha asks quietly, just for her to hear. Her hand lingers on Wanda's cheek. It feels warm for once, skin soft under her palm. Natasha gingerly wipes a tear from her cheek.
Wanda shrugs, eyes unwilling to meet Natasha's. "I got scared." Her voice is trembling and hoarse, she sounds so small which is ironic considering she's taller than her.
When Wanda's eyes finally meet Natasha's, they're laced with regret.
"I just needed time, you know? Everything was moving so fast, moving to a new country, losing my brother, and-" she's now crying again and Natasha'd be lying if she said she doesn't want to wrap her up in her arms despite the amount of goddamn pain she caused Natasha. "But then," she sniffs, "I realised that it was the dumbest mistake of my life, letting you go. I was miserable. I thought it would help me, give me some time to myself to think things through but it just made everything worse. I was lost, unhappy and in so much pain.
"And I understand if you feel differently because I know the amount of pain I must've caused you is probably unbearable and I'm so, so sorry, but- I love you. God I haven't stopped loving you. I know you might not forgive me and-"
"What about Darcy?"
"What about her?" She frowns, as if Natasha's speaking a language she's unfamiliar with or something.
"You... that night when I-" the memory pains her. It's like ripping open a sealed wound and rubbing salt into it.
"I was single, she was single." She explains. "I promise you it was nothing more. She just wanted to experiment with a girl. Afterwards, we laughed about it actually. It was so weird. It felt like kissing my brother, you know?"
"You kissed Pietro?" Natasha gasps, which panics Wanda before she chuckles. All of a sudden it feels easy. It feels like old times. Except it's not and Natasha needs to keep telling herself that before she finds herself falling again.
"What? No! I- I just meant like, it felt wrong." She clarifies.
"We were so good, Wanda." Natasha's voice is cracking and now she's crying too.
"I know, Tasha, and I'm so, so sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Please, stop." Natasha asks, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Stop saying sorry it feels weird."
Wanda lightly chuckles, slightly clearing the tension. "A few days after I had fully realised my mistake, I went to your room. You weren't there so I went to your rented apartment in Ohio but-"
"I was in with Yelena, in her apartment." Natasha explains, even though she doesn't owe Wanda an explanation.
A rush of guilt forms on Wanda's face.
"If it makes you feel any better, it destroyed me too."
"You weren't the one getting broken up with after no explanation or a reason why. Just that we're over." Natasha snaps. "Besides, if you really wanted to talk with me so desperately you could've called. I thought about calling you every day but Yelena..." She realises she had said too much and quickly stops herself before her guts start spilling out all over the floor.
"That's petty, I wanted to talk to you face to face. Didn't want you thinking I was some fraud or something." She clarifies. "I truly am sorry."
Wanda's eyes are on the floor again. Natasha dangerously reaches out and nudges her clenched fist with her hand. Before Natasha knows it, their hands are clasped together. Her hand is clammy and sticky but warm, and dare she say it feels like home. Natasha's heart skips a beat when Wanda runs a careful thumb over the back of her hand.
"I'll do anything," she suddenly says, still gazing at the ground. "Just to have you back in my life. Even if you don't love me anymore. Friends is fine I just- I can't not speak to you, I need you in my life.
"I get that you might not forgive me but is there something I could do to make it up to you?"
She's looking at Natasha again, this time with desperation in her eyes.
"I still love you too," she says her thoughts aloud, even if by that, they weren't exactly very loud, but a mumble under her breath.
"You- you do?"
"I haven't stopped. It's been so hard, it hurt so much." Natasha carries on, praying that her voice doesn't crack at this moment. "You had my heart," she caves, tears streaming down her face, "you still do. But you broke it. And it hurts so much."
Natasha finally looks at her and an ungodly urge to throw up hits her. Wanda's silently crying as she watches her. "I didn't know, fuck, I'm so sorry," she gasps out between hard swallows.
They stand there in silence, just staring. Wanda's still crying, Natasha thinks she still is too but her face is all tingly so it's hard to tell. Their hands are still joined and that's the only thing keeping her grounded.
Suddenly, a warm body is crashing into her own and Natasha stumbles back before her arms wind around Wanda's slender, strong figure and pull her impossibly closer. Her head buries into Natasha's neck and she ignores the gush of salty tears trickling down the back of her shirt.
Natasha's eyes squeeze shut, their bodies shaking simultaneously with sobs. The soothing scent of her shampoo lulls Natasha ever so slightly as a brunette strand that's sticking out of her ponytail tickles her nose. She missed this feeling of warmth. She missed her.
"And," she whispers into Natasha's ear. Her voice is raspy. "I didn't even realise I was wearing your hoodie, I'm always in it, it reminds me of you."
"We're gonna be okay." Wanda states quietly but firmly. And Natasha believes her. "It'll just take time. If you're willing to take me back, that is?"
"Let's not rush," Natasha says slowly before nodding. "But yeah. We'll get there eventually."
Wanda's now smiling through the tears staining her cheeks. She leans up and pecks Natasha's cheek but this one is lingering, warm, soft and it just feels right.
She's wrapping her arms around Natasha loosely again, head resting on her shoulder. Natasha hugs her back, just holding her.
"It'll be alright." Wanda mumbles into her neck, her warm lips brushing against Natasha's skin.
Natasha shivers and nods with a smile. "It will."
And it is.