- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ [𝐬𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧] ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌
it was hell for me
my hands carefully tying the end of a cloth that was covering the whole body of a soldier like us. instead, they were all dead
na-ra tied the cloth at the feet while i tied a knot on her head. dried blood was covering the student's face, and my heart clenched at the sight of her right arm, drenched in blood and infected wound due to being abandoned
yu-jeong and chun-ho were attending to the survivor, three of them. each battling their own fears and having to witness their friends' death, i could see it in their eyes
the rage, anger, and hatred when she looked at chun-ho and sergeant kim
the sight of the adults probably triggered her
i sighed, looking up to see su-cheol and yeong-sin carrying another body, carefully lifting them up and to the floor. na-ra was saying something to ae-seol, probably informing her on the information about the student we just covered
i got up, stumbling on my way as the others looked at the bodies in silence. some grimacing at the way they died, and some almost crying out of pity and fear
"did you guys see her eyes earlier?" tae-man questioned, gaining our attentions as he continued
"they were unfocused... and completely blank. it's just dreadful" another silence broke out once he finished. i stood over the dead bodies, looking at them one by one and a sharp pain struck my chest
the image of my friends and my loved ones being covered by this white cloth appeared in my mind
to think that we could end up like this is killing me slowly
"if i had been left alone... would i have become like them?" bo-ra wondered, her gaze glued on the dead body her and ha-na was taking care of
"will we be able to survive?" ha-na also asked, and a silence accompanying after. i sighed softly, making my way out to find chun-ho while the others stayed seated beside the bodies
i couldn't handle the sight anymore
so i walked and walked, until i saw inside the library where yu-jeong was trying to comfort the survivors who seemed traumatized, and ready to attack anyone. it scared me just how blank their gazes were when i looked at it
their eyes held the rage one had bottled up for years, waiting to be released on whomever came into their way
it even scared me, and i wonder... if it will happen to me as well
"yu-jeong" i called out softly, carefully approaching her as she looked at me with a small sigh
"how are they?" i asked softly, almost coming out as a whisper as she casted a glance at them. it was obviously not well
"it's best if we let them grief... your brother had went to the office, trying to search for information about this place" she said, knowing that i was searching for him as she patted my arm
"thanks, yu-jeong" she nodded with a small smile, watching me head out as i made my way to the office which was two rooms away from the library. i carefully opened the door, seeing him examining some sort of a map attached to a whiteboard with some communication devices on the table
"chun-ho" i called out, closing the door behind me while he turned around swiftly to my presence. i fixed my gaze on the whiteboard, touching the map although i have no idea how to read it
he watched me, waiting for me to break the silence as i spoke
"they were so many bodies... we covered them all" i turned my gaze to him, his stance remained unbothered but his fists were formed tightly out of rage. i sighed, feeling the tears prickling in my eyes as i quickly blinked them away
"we'll be all right. i promise" he said, stepping closer to me as i nodded, biting on my lower lip to stop myself from tearing up
i felt his arms around me, bringing me closer to his chest as i loosened the tension in my muscle and let my guard down once i'm sure that i'm safe
he didn't say anything, neither did i
even without words, we knew that we would be there for each other, always, no matter what. comfort were flowing through me, and nothing will be much safer than being in his arms. our bond had finally been healed, and it's time for us to fill the emptiness we felt for years
i can't wait for this war to end, to be back with my aunt and my normal life
if, that is even possible
━━━━━━━━━━
it was dinner, na-ra had put a nicely warmed food, or what we usually call MRE in military terms. it was fried rice, and has been prepared by both yu-jeong and yeon-ju earlier
na-ra had seated herself beside me with ae-seol, while su-cheol and yeong-sin sat in front of us
it was mostly silence, but some conversed in a quiet tone about the students who were sitting at the last table. some of us casted a glance on them when yu-jeong and yeon-ju gave them a meal, pitying the fate they had gotten
i couldn't bring myself to eat, but i forced them down to avoid wasting the food. i silenced myself throughout eating, sealing the empty package once i was done
i wiped my mouth with a tissue, leaning my back on the chair as i looked at the girl who survived, walking out with yu-jeong following from behind. i stayed still, waiting for them to reappear and it was five minutes after, but they were still out there
my mind wandered at the possibility of her being alone in this state
did she want to cry? yell? grief for the lost? or sleep? or simply being alone without being talked about?
but my breath hitched at the most possible choice
suicide
i widened my eyes, abruptly standing up that the chair even fell to the floor behind me. my stun caught their attention as na-ra and su-cheol asked me at the same time
"what's wrong?"
"yu-jeong... the girl" i muttered, about to step out but a gunshot sound startled all of us. i widened my eyes, quickly regaining my focus and headed out to the library
i could hear them running after me with panic
"yu-jeong!" i screamed, running towards her. a tear had escaped from her eyes and another horrified sight came to my eyes
sergeant kim was bleeding, chun-ho calling out his name again and again, yelling
i quickly kneeled down to attend to his wound, pressing on the bloodied spot. he was unconscious. i looked at chun-ho who seemed to be stumbling on his words, panic all over his face as he shook sergeant kim's body violently
"kim won-bin!"
"sergeant kim. wake up!" i yelled, feeling his blood pooling in my hands. yu-jeong cried in panic while helping me press the wound with a white cloth
one by one arrived to see what the commotion was all about, shocked to see the bloodied soldier and the girl who was holding the gun. but i kept my attention on sergeant kim who seemed to be bleeding even more
"get the blood-stopper!" chun-ho screamed, yeon-ju scrambling away to find it as the others yelled in fear and cursed when they saw us.
"hang in there" chun-ho pleaded, almost crying as i stepped away when yeon-ju arrived with the blood-stopper. i looked at the girl who was standing still, scared and in disbelief at what just happened
i glanced at the gun she was holding, and realized the danger we would be in if the gun was still in her hold. she was scared to see our furious gazes on her, being the culprit for sergeant kim's wound, but i wasn't mad at her
she was just a kid, like us
"no... it's not my fault" she started, tears forming as she trembled violently at the sight. the gun had been released from her hold, creating a huge clank sound
"the adults... the adults are to blame. it's not my fault" she kept repeating her words, crying as i carefully made my way to her. she collapsed with tears, sobbing and i slowly moved the gun away from her, slinging it on my shoulder
she continued to cry, violently that my heart ached for her suffering. i stayed crouched, debating whether to touch her or not, almost for a minute. silence was accompanying us, her sobs echoed through the library and i finally stood up
i stepped back, carefully removing the gun which was taken by il-ha who had his gaze still on the girl. i looked at sergeant kim who was unconscious, yeon-ju and chun-ho attending to his wound and eventually brought him to another room
i glued my gaze to the girl again, none of us speaking a word to each other and listened to her cries in silence
━━━━━━━━━━
"as soon as the sun rises tomorrow, we will withdraw and return to the camp" chun-ho said after summoning all of us, and a series of question broke out
"can we do that? what about the mission?" seo-yoon asked with surprise as chun-ho said
"i can't guarantee your safety here. we can't even figure out how many spheres are out there. and if they attack us all together, we won't be able to handle them"
"mr. lee... with what happened last time, won't you get in trouble if you keep disobeying orders?" deok-jung's question gained my attention as i looked at chun-ho with narrowed eyes
he looked at me for a second before replying
"i've just decided that your safety is the current priority. i'll take responsibility, so don't worry. the sentinels should make sure to keep guard on alert. the rest, go to bed. we'll take off right when the morning comes. dismissed"
he walked away, leaving us dumbfounded
"gosh, why must we go back?"
"he can't just go like that"
"it was hard to come here"
"we're really going back?"
i let out a sigh, not sure whether we're doing the right thing or not. we were given a mission, and an order that was much important as our lives. if we were to go back like this, giving up on the mission, chun-ho would get in a much serious trouble than stealing a car
the others had also chattered in confusion, drawing conclusions and eventually back to our beds that has been set up in the library. i was sitting beside na-ra and so-yeon on a bed, holding my gaze down as i thought hard on chun-ho's decision
but then again, sergeant kim was in need of a quick medical treatment. that probably drove him to make such decision, fearing that such injury will happen to us too
"if this is what happened to a shelter... i wonder what happened to our school" tae-man said, looking down and continued
"but if we go back... won't mr. lee get punished?"
"what if he goes to the guardhouse?" seo-yoon asked with a sigh while joon-hee exclaimed in surprise
"the guardhouse?"
"this is worth the death penalty for sure" deok-jung's words shocked them all as i looked away, fiddling with my fingers anxiously. so-yeon noticed my action, turning to deok-jung and spoke angrily
"hey, stop before you jinx it" he sighed, crossing his arms as tae-man said
"come to think of it, mr. lee's quite disobedient"
"that's because of us" jang-soo exclaimed, yeong-su suddenly asking
"but... what will happen with extra points if we fail our mission?" the others sighed and cursed him quietly for the absurd question. at this point, i won't even bother to defend him or feel pity for his beloved extra CSAT points
i was too exhausted to care
"we have to clear the mission to get extra points"
"his nonsense is so damn consistent" il-ha said in amusement, standing up with his gaze on the poor boy who quietly shut his mouth
"but what if they don't send us to our parents for not clearing the mission?" joon-hee asked in fear as bo-ra replied with disbelief
"is that actually your concern when someone's about to be executed?" i closed my eyes upon the 'execution' word, denying the possibility of him taking all the responsibility
"well, i was just saying..."
"let's look on the bright side. it's good that we're returning from this dangerous situation" yeong-sin suggested, looking at us with a small smile as we looked at hee-rak who was happily whistling on his way with a comic book in his hands
"culprits are bound to be at the crime scene" he said with a small laugh, putting the book aside and to his uniform while humming a song. he started rummaging through the pocket, exclaiming in surprise
"what the- my coke" i scoffed, almost laughing in disbelief as i casted a glance at su-cheol who immediately stood up straight. i furrowed my brows, listening to hee-rak's rant
"i swear i put it in here!" the others either looked away or sigh, having enough of today's commotion
"hey, seo-yoon" he called out
"what?"
"was it you?" he asked accusingly, eyes wide as the girl quickly denied it
"what are you saying? i'm innocent!" he then turned his gaze to joon-hee who also denied it
"what are you looking at?" he turned to deok-jung, who immediately made an 'X' sign with his hands, panicked
"i think that punk already drank it. damn, who took it?!" he finally lost it, rummaging through our beds while the others yelled at him. i rolled my eyes with a sigh, walking out with the others following from behind
once the chaos subsided, the others got ready for bed while i wandered out
i made my way to the entrance of the building, sitting on the steps with silence. it was a minute past midnight, and everyone had gone to bed. so i took the opportunity to ease my mind, organizing my thoughts so i won't be distracted later
my mind wandered to a thought of chun-ho being sent to a guardhouse, or an execution for disobeying
i sighed, dropping my head on my knees, removing the thought before it could break me to pieces. after a few seconds, i could feel someone settling down beside me, and my gaze landed on su-cheol who was looking ahead
i glanced at the side, the coke hee-rak was fussing over could be seen. i scoffed, looking ahead with a small smile
"if hee-rak gets to know about this... he'll lose it, for sure" i could hear a small chuckle escaping his lips, saying
"that's why you should drink it and throw it away far from here"
"it's fine. i can live long without a drop of soda in my system. you should have it instead" his eyes dropped on me, sighing
"you know this soda was just an excuse" i chuckled
"of course, i do. whether i drink it or not is not your main goal, sitting and talking with me is"
"that's the main goal, but i still want you to have it. did i succeed?" i went silent for a few seconds
"i guess" i popped it open, sipping some of the soda and swallowed it while feeling my throat being burned. it's been a while since i felt it, almost forgetting the taste while su-cheol also drank some
he put it aside, arms rested on his knees as i hugged mine while looking at the moon
"do you think chun-ho will get executed?" i asked quietly, dreading for someone to comfort me and say no, tell me that whatever deok-jung had said was just rubbish
i wanted to believe it
"with this situation we got going on here? and the lack of soldiers to fight the spheres? honestly, i don't think so" he said with a small scoff, and a sharp feeling of relief washed over me
i thought so too
"don't worry, he'll be fine" he said with a hint of smile, looking down on my face as i let out a sigh, nodding
"i hope so" another silence took over, only the sound of the can and gulping could be heard until it ran out. he gripped on it tightly, crushing the can with ease while i rested my hands on the floor, leaning back with my gaze up
"do you think we can survive?" i asked, looking at him
"we will" i formed a small smile, relieved at the words. even though it was just a mere comfort he was giving, i couldn't help but to believe it and deny every kind of possibilities of us ending up dead or badly hurt
i couldn't handle it
"cho-yeong" he called out, so delicate and soft that i almost melted and throw myself to him. but i kept it all to myself
"what?"
"did you ever miss us?" his question caught me off guard, a hint of desperation in his voice. i stayed quiet, looking down as i heard him sighing
"i thought about you all the time... even after you broke it off with me. it was so sudden... and the way you broke it, made me think that everything was fake to you"
i widened my eyes slightly, furrowing my brows at the absurd accusation as he continued
"you acted like nothing happened the next day. you ignored me, gave me cold shoulders and never speak to me unless necessary- which was rare. you smiled to others, talk to them, laugh with them, but when it comes to me... you walked away and glare at me- annoyed by my presence even"
i could hear his tone wavering, as if pulling himself together from breaking down to tears. he was hurt, i know that
but i remained ignorant
"i spent most of my days wondering what had gone wrong. what i did that turned you away from me... i went through the days with a messed up mind, desperate to know what i did wrong"
"you didn't do anything"
"then why leave?" he snapped, looking at me as i remained my gaze on him
he was mad, angry, furious and desperate to know what had driven me away from him. he wanted to know, and he blamed himself when he didn't get the answer
he never once yell at me for leaving him, neither avoiding me like i did. most boys would talk shit and hate on someone who hurt them, but instead, he remained by my side and tried his best to win me back
he didn't care about his pride, neither he had one. all he ever done to me was the opposite of hating
i could live ten lives and will never deserve him
"because i was selfish" i answered, finally. my voice came out raspy, hesitant to finally open up on why i did such a thing
why i left him
"what?" he asked with furrowed brows, watching as i seated myself up
"when chun-ho went to the military... i thought of my late father's words about us living with a great career, a great education, and great respect. when chun-ho enlisted, i thought of following him... and to achieve what my father had dreamt of us, i started studying like crazy" i stilled my gaze on the trees around the building, su-cheol listening attentively
"i chased good grades, the title of 'the top student' and competed with others who were just as ambitious as me. i didn't want to disappoint my late father, or chun-ho who was as smart as him. he had always came up as the top student, outstanding grades in school and university, and good performances in military... leaving me with a heavy pressure to continue our smart family's gene" i scoffed, looking down and added
"my grades were consistent, considering just how unreasonable my time was spent on studying. but even so, i made some friends. na-ra and yu-jeong, and i thought it was enough to have them only... until i met you" i looked up, locking my gaze with his as i spoke
"when ms. park suggested me to tutor you for falling behind in math, i was irritated- really annoyed by the fact that i had to teach a playful boy who knew nothing but to draw stuff and mess around in class" i formed a small smile, looking away
"throughout the tutoring sessions, it was nothing more than just teaching you. but the more time i spent with you, the happier i have been for the first time in years. you made me laugh, cracked jokes, messed around, and i should've been annoyed by it... but i liked it. even so, when you finally plucked up the courage to ask me out, i immediately said yes" i chuckled at the end, shaking my head
"you were my distraction, the reason why my time for studying had become lesser than usual. we went on a date almost everyday, talked until late night, i even skipped lecturers online because of you. but one day, when the final test before our senior year's result was announced, i fell behind... and ended up in sixth place" he looked at me, finally realizing what the reason i left was
"the side of my father's family were vicious, and had always been nosey of each others' children. my aunt was different, however. i stayed with her after chun-ho left, and had been advising me to cut on my studying time. but i refused to listen, but yet... my worst fear happened. they criticized me, used me as an example on what would happen if their children started to mess around. i was a joke for them to be amused at, picking on me whenever they could with no one to defend me. eventually, something snapped in me, and my head replayed the time i spent with you, when it should've been spent on books. i realized that it was my fault for being distracted, and i ended it right then and there... our relationship"
he looked at me with an unreadable gaze. he was neither pitying me, or angry. he was just, blank and almost like he was blaming himself for jumping to conclusions
"i decided to make you hate me, and i did everything i could to feel less guilty. i ignored you, treat you differently from other students, and even act annoyed like you said. i was hoping for you to hate me after what i did... but you didn't" i took a sharp breath before continuing
"it was real to me... everything. never once did i ever consider it to be just a joke to me. it was my fault, entirely. i let myself drown in their expectations, pushing everyone away to catch up and eventually... gave up" i scoffed in disbelief at my own self
"i realized that it was useless to satisfy such people, and my aunt decided to cut them off for good. her too, was a victim of their expectation and abuse to be number one. i was grateful that at least my father didn't turn out like that, neither does my mother who had always prioritized our happiness. but they were gone, and i ended up as a mess" he looked at me, hesitant to either say something as a comfort or let me be and spill everything
i did the latter
"i wanted to go back to you, considering just how you've been to win me over again. but it was too selfish for me to go back as if nothing had gone wrong. i left you, i gave no explanation, i released my anger at you, and treated you like shit. so i deny the absurd idea, and try to fall out of love... and remove my feelings for you. i did everything, but i couldn't. i couldn't believe it"
i stopped talking, hesitant as he quirked up a brow, anticipating my answer
"believe what?" he finally asked after almost a minute of silence. my heart was beating hard and fast as i gathered up a courage to finally say what i have been keeping this whole time
"that i'm still in love with you... even now"