Hi!!!!
I'm so sorry for my absence I've just been so busy and kind of lost interest in my writing for a little while but I'm determined to at least finish this fic before it disappears completely ;-;
Anyway, this chapter is likely gonna piss some people off. Just know that I'M SORRY and it's just temporary lmao
When we step outside, it's cold, and Goh lets down his hair, shaking it out and flicking the hair tie onto his wrist. I watch him, my throat dry, wondering if he'll let me walk him back. I wonder if he'll let me talk to him openly again. I wish we could address the elephant in the room again, but I don't know how. I hate the slight awkwardness lingering between us.
I open my mouth to speak, but before I can, I see something out of the corner of my eye that makes my head snap towards it. Not something, but someone. My jaw falls open a little as she turns towards me, like she sensed me, and notices me for the first time. Her brows furrow, and she blinks rapidly at me, like I might disappear if she does it enough.
Then she's walking towards us, clutching the strap of her bag, her face lighting up. "Ash? I didn't even know you studied at this university," Lillie chirps. She looks almost the same, except her hair is a little shorter. I suppose we really must have fallen out of touch, because I had no idea she was here either.
"I didn't know you were here either." I notice Goh glancing between us, and my heart sinks as I realise he's going to know who she is the second I say her name. "It's nice to see you."
"You too," she says, then looks at Goh. "Who's your friend?"
"Oh, this is Goh," I say. "Or, you probably know him as Red."
I see Goh's head whip in my direction but I don't look at him. "Oh- But I, um, thought Red was a girl?"
I almost choke. I don't think she could have picked a worse line to say, really. I don't dare look at Goh, because I know he's probably embarrassed, and furious, and I can't blame him. I sigh, shaking my head. "No. Goh, um-" I look at him, and see he's glaring back at me. If looks could kill, I'd be dead right now. "This is Lillie."
His eyes flare open a little at that, and he looks even more furious, but he smiles as he turns to her, his hostility seemingly only reserved for me. "Hi, Lillie. Nice to meet you."
Lillie is still looking between us, no doubt piecing everything together. She's one of the only people that knows I was in love with Red. "You too," she says to Goh. "Well, I should get going. I have a class. Maybe I'll see you around, Ash."
"Sure," I say, waving goodbye to her. I kind of wish she'd stay, just so I don't have to deal with Goh's impending wrath and upset.
"So," he starts, crossing his arms. "That was Lillie."
I think about everything that must be going through his head. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I just met his only serious ex. Intrusive thoughts of my relationship with Lillie fill my head, including scenarios I should not be thinking about right now. I shake those thoughts away, and the bad taste they leave in my mouth. "Yeah. I'm sorry about what she said. I did explain to her at the time that I didn't know if you were-"
"Ash," he cuts me off. I swallow hard, thinking he's about to tell me to fuck off, but he just sighs. "It's okay. I get it." I almost sag with relief. It's more than I deserve, but I'll take it. Goh starts to walk in the direction of the flat, and I fall into step beside him, feeling tense. "I used to be so jealous of her," he says after a moment, and the breath rushes from my lungs.
"Of Lillie?"
He nods, frowning. "I didn't reply to you for two weeks after you told me about her."
I blink blankly at him, remembering. It wasn't obvious until now. "You said something came up and you couldn't reply."
He shrugs. "I lied. I didn't deal with it very well. I couldn't stop thinking about everything you were doing with her. She's beautiful, too."
"So are you," I say, before I can stop myself. A blush spreads visibly across Goh's face, and I feel my heart spark to life at the sight of it. "Are you moving back to the flat?"
He hesitates. "I don't know."
I don't want to push him, so I don't try to convince him, even though I want to. It's so hard, not being around him. We walk in silence for a few minutes, until the building starts to come into view. When we reach the entranceway, I pause, biting my cheek. I don't want to let him go. Moments like this seem rare between us now, and I want to hold onto him, so I open my mouth, unsure what I'm even going to say.
"Hey, Goh," someone says from behind us. I hear the sound of the doors closing behind us, and turn to see a guy I don't recognise. He's tall, almost as tall as me, with a mop of blonde curls on his head, lighter than Clemont's. There's a smug look on his face that instantly sets me on edge, and before I can ask Goh who it is, he's coming up beside him, snaking his arm around Goh's shoulder. My whole body tenses up, alarm bells going off in my head. I bristle, restraining myself, because the sight of someone else touching Goh makes me want to throttle them.
Goh looks like he's ready to run for the door. "Who is this?" The other guy asks, looking at me, that insufferable smirk spreading wider.
I wait for Goh to shrug his arm off, but he doesn't. I know the anger must be visible on my face, but it doesn't matter anyway, because he won't look at me. "It's Ash, one of the guys from my old flat," he says. My heart twists painfully, and I furrow my brows, wanting him to look, so he can see how much it hurts me that he introduced me as 'his old flatmate' and not as his best friend for the past twelve years. Like that's all we are to each other.
"I'm Bede," the other guy says, looking up at me. "Nice to meet you. I'll see you in a minute?" He says down to Goh, who nods weakly. I think he's about to walk away, but then he leans down and presses a brief kiss to Goh's lips, and it's all I can do not to slam his head against the wall. Then he's moving away from us, heading out into the courtyard. Fury is burning in my chest, and I clench my hands into fists at my side, hiding their shaking.
"One of the guys from your old flat?" I say, trying not to seem as heartbroken as I am. "Really? Is that what I am to you?"
"Ash..." He sighs, pushing his hair back from his face.
"That's why you don't want to come back," I say, a humourless laugh escaping me. "Because of him?"
"You're angry," he says, furrowing his brows. I almost laugh again. If he thinks this is me really angry, well then he hasn't seen anything yet.
"Of course I'm angry," I say, trying not to raise my voice. "Are you kidding?"
"Well what did you want me to say?"
I don't bother to reply to that. I walk past him, storming to the door. My anger is clouding my brain, and I don't care if he's going back up to his new group of friends, and his new boyfriend. Goh calls out my name, but I ignore him. I make it up the stairs and to our door before I realise he's following me, saying something. I pull open the flat door, ready to slam it shut again, but Goh catches it with his hand, holding it open.
"Really?" I give him an incredulous look. I see Serena out of the corner of my eye, peeping out from the kitchen to see what's going on.
"I wasn't going to let you storm off like that," he says, out of breath from trying to keep up with me.
"Well, I don't really think you have a choice." I say, pulling the door, but he holds tight to it, his eyes as blazing as my own. "Go away, Goh."
"Are you really angry because of that, or are you angry because I'm starting to move on?"
The words strike me like a knife in the lungs, and I know my face gives that away, but I don't care. I let him see the hurt washing over me, and I shake my head. "Fuck you, Goh."
He looks almost regretful as he lets go of the door finally, giving me the chance to slam it in his face. I almost collapse back against it, but then I remember Serena, and look down the hallway at her. Her face is white, her mouth open like she's seeing a ghost. I swallow back the lump in my throat, push back the tears that will no doubt come back later.
"Guess there's no point asking you to pretend you didn't hear that," I say, sighing. I start walking towards her, shrugging off my hoodie.
"I-" She glances up at me, her eyes wide. "I thought you two made up?"
"So did I," I say, walking past her into the empty kitchen. I realise this means that Serena wasn't really meeting up with May, and really just wanted to leave the two of us alone for a while. I wonder if she'd have done that if she knew all of the history between us, and that I'm in love with him.
"Why did he say he's moving on?" She asks, dipping her brows. I groan. I forgot she'd heard that line, and that Goh has totally dropped us in it now.
"It's a long story." I sit on the sofa, but she stays at the door, watching me. "But basically, we've actually known each other for twelve years."
"What?"
"Yeah. Like I said, long story." I rub at my temple. The anger is starting to fade now, replaced with a hollowness that I hate. I know that when I'm alone, and I think about it, it's going to rip me open. Bede-
"I have time." Serena sits down beside me on the sofa, a concerned look on her face. I look back, considering whether it's worth telling her or not. But I figure at this point it doesn't really matter anyway, and so I launch into the story, telling her about Goh and I being pen pals, about us falling out and then meeting here, but not realising who we were. I tell her about the kiss, and about the email, and then about our fighting. When I'm done, she blinks in disbelief.
"So what I'm getting from this is... You're in love with him."
"It's complicated."
She shrugs. "Of course it is. But you are."
Before I can answer, my phone starts ringing. I almost expect it to be Goh, but of course it's Dawn, attempting to FaceTime me. I consider ignoring her, but I'm going to have to explain to her what's going on at some point anyway, so I answer. She appears on my screen, her hair tied in a half-up, half-down hairstyle, and she's wearing a black corset top. There's a mug of tea in her other hand.
"That's the fastest you've ever answered the phone. I'm impressed." She takes a sip of her tea.
"Hello to you too."
Serena scoots closer, putting her head in the camera. Dawn spots her, and her face lights up like a lightbulb, and I groan, knowing I've just started something annoying. "Oh my God," Serena says. "Hello!"
"Hey! Serena, right? I'm Dawn."
"I know. Ash loves to talk about how great you are."
I feel a blush creep over my face. "I don't do that," I mumble, but neither of them seem to hear me as they launch into their own conversation like I'm not here at all, Serena asking where Dawn got her top, and Dawn complimenting pretty much every aspect of Serena's being. I give them five minutes before I clear my throat, and both their gazes cut to me, eyes burning.
"Did you call me for a reason?" I ask Dawn, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes. I wanted to know what happened with..." She glances at Serena, not discreetly at all. "You know who."
"Goh? She knows, Dawn." I sigh. "I thought things were getting better, but they just imploded again. Oh, and he has a new boyfriend."
"Well, you don't know that Bede is his boyfriend-" Serena cuts in, shrugging, but Dawn shouts.
"What?"
"Maybe not," I say to Serena. "But either way, he's seeing someone else. There's not much I can do about that."
"Does this 'Bede' look like you?" Dawn asks, crossing her arms. I laugh a little, shaking my head.
"He couldn't look any different." I'm starting to feel nauseous, thinking about Bede. It's only just starting to sink in that I watched them kiss, however brief it might have been. "I've got a headache. I'm gonna go lie down," I say, rubbing my head. They both frown at me, but I don't have the energy to lie and say I'm fine. I'm not fine. I was ready to tell Goh how I feel, and then he comes out with that shit.
"Okay. Talk to you later, Ash," Dawn says, still frowning at me. I say goodbye and hang up, then say goodbye to Serena, who keeps opening and closing her mouth like she's going to say something, but ultimately decides against it. I head back to my room, craving the warmth of my bed, and slide under the covers, pressing a pillow into my face. Later. I'll deal with everything later. For now, I close my eyes and let myself drift off.
— — — —
When I wake up, it's dark outside, and I can hear semi-drunk students heading out for the night. I groan and check my phone, and realise it's after ten, and I slept for hours unintentionally. I stand up, feeling groggier than ever, and almost fall back onto the bed. I stretch my arms up, debating going to the kitchen for food, but realise I'm not hungry for once.
It does feel stuffy in here, though, and my head is pounding, like my brain is pressing against the inside of my skull. I grab the closest pair of shoes and pull them on, deciding I need some fresh air. As I walk down the stairs, I can't help but wonder which area of the building Goh is in, and what he's doing. I wonder if he's in Bede's room, or his own.
I shake my head like it'll shake the thoughts loose and send them scattering in the wind. Pushing open the double doors to the courtyard, I take a deep breath of the cold night air, feeling it wake me up instantly. When I breathe out, it curls like smoke in the air. Shivering, I head over to the bench where people often come out to smoke at night, and I sit, tipping my head back, closing my eyes.
I've never been good at dealing with my feelings for Goh. I always reacted badly, even when we were just writing to one another. I wonder if I overreacted earlier, when I started shouting at him. For him to dismiss the twelve years like that, though, like he really did just meet me a couple months ago... Is he in denial, or was he afraid to show Bede how close we really are?
"Well well," a grating voice breaks the peaceful silence, and I open my eyes, finding Bede himself standing by the bench in an ugly long pink trench coat. I blink once at him, not letting my rage show.
"Do I know you?" I ask, knowing it'd probably piss me off, if I were him. As I expected, Bede's face goes sour.
"We met in the lobby earlier. You're Goh's friend, right?"
"Oh." I fake recognition. "Right. Sorry. Bad with faces." I close my eyes again, indicating that I'm done with the conversation.
"You seemed pretty pissed off earlier," Bede says, and I almost sigh, but stop myself. "I hope I'm not stealing Goh from you."
I can tell that, even if he thought he was, he wouldn't be bothered. He's trying to wind me up- he wants me to bite, and let him see that it's bothering me. I won't let him win, though. I already hate his smug face and stupid coat. "You're not," I say, feigning confusion.
I can tell that he's getting irritated. He frowns. "Really? Cause I caught a bit of your little argument, and-"
I stand, shoving my hands in my pockets, and frown down my nose at him. "Sorry, I just realised I'd rather be literally anywhere else right now," I say, smiling. "Oh, and, your boyfriend is in love with me. Good luck with that."
I walk off before he can reply.
— — — —
Serena corners me in the hallway two days later. She bites her lip when she sees me, and I can tell something's up, so I pause, giving her a chance to speak. I have to get to a lecture, but for once I'm early. Besides, it's Friday. Nobody cares on a Friday.
"Goh asked me to get you," she says. "He's in the lobby, waiting."
"He asked you to fetch me?" I ask incredulously. She nods, frowning. If I didn't have a lecture to get to, I'd go back into my room and leave him waiting out there. I don't want to miss it, though, so I'm going to have to walk past him either way. I sigh and nod. "Okay. Thanks."
I head down the stairs and out the door, frowning when I see him through the glass doors, standing with his arms crossed over his chest, like he's furious. I have no idea what he could be angry about. I school my face into boredom as I enter, and he whirls to face me.
"Late to a lecture," I say dismissively, walking past him. He makes a choked sound of disbelief and starts to follow me.
"What did you say to Bede?" He asks, coming up beside me as I step out onto the street.
"Not a lot," I say, shrugging. "I made a swift exit."
"You told him I'm in love with you."
My heart starts hammering against my ribs, and I swallow hard, hoping he doesn't notice. "Why did you ask if you already know, then?" I ask nonchalantly.
"Why would you say that to him?" He yells, grabbing my arm. The touch catches me off guard and I skid to a halt on the street, snatching my arm back away and glowering down at him, letting him see the anger on my face.
"Because he was trying to get under my skin," I hiss. "And I wanted to piss him off. Looks like it worked a bit too well." I take a step back away from him, but he just glares at me. "Are we done here?"
When he doesn't reply I turn away from him again and walk away, shoving my hands in my pockets again. My heart hurts from the interaction but honestly, what does he expect, confronting me like that? Surely he knows why I'm actually upset about all of this. Every time I think about Bede, I think about them together. I can still picture Goh sitting on my lap, can still feel his hands on my neck and his lips against mine. Except now, when I think about it, I picture him on Bede's lap. It'd be easier if I never saw either of them ever again.
Unfortunately, the universe has other plans. When I leave the lecture hall, Bede happens to be walking past. He clocks me, and I sigh, letting him see it this time. Considering Goh was so upset, he seems cheery when he approaches me, smiling. "Hey bro," he says condescendingly when he comes up beside me.
"Don't call me that." I don't have any energy left for niceties.
"I'm gonna have to ask you not to speak to Goh anymore," he says, still smiling. I turn to glare at him, wishing I could reach out and punch that smile off his face. I'm pissed off at Goh, sure, but the rage I feel in defence of him is overwhelming. Part of me wants to snarl that Goh is mine. And how dare he tell me I can't speak to Goh when I've known him for so long, and they've known each other for less than a month? Instead of shouting, though, I flash him a grin.
"I'm sorry that my comment pissed you off," I say. "I was only joking. I thought you'd pick up on that."
"I'm not stupid," he barks. "I know what you're doing."
My eyebrows shoot up. "Wow. You're really threatened by me, aren't you?" I shake my head. "I can't imagine having a self-esteem that low. Good luck with that, bro."
I know the words hit right where I wanted them to when he stops walking, gawking at me like I just slapped him across the face. I can't help it, then- I laugh. I laugh as I keep walking, leaving him behind, and pray that I don't have to see him again for a very long time.
— — — —
When I explain the encounters from last night and this morning to Cilan and Serena, Cilan bursts out laughing. "That's kind of evil, you know."
I do feel kind of bad, but honestly, he was asking for it. I'm not usually like this. I'm usually nice, even when people are nasty to me, but there's just something about Bede... That, and he's with the person I'm in love with. That could bring a bad side out of the best of people. So I shrug. "He'll live."
"Would you take Goh back?" Serena asks.
"No," I say, without really thinking about it. "I'm too angry at him."
"Do you think he's trying to make you jealous?"
"I don't know why he would bother with that. Although..." I drift off, remembering him dancing with other people at the club, clearly trying to get a reaction out of me. But this... No, this is different. Either he really has moved on, or he's trying to. "Nah. Definitely not."
"If you want to know if he's still interested, why don't you try to make him jealous?"
"I'm not that petty," I say, swallowing hard.
"What about with Dawn?" She asks, ignoring my answer.
"He knows Dawn," I say.
"What about me?" She says, blinking. Cilan shoots her a look, and she scoffs. "Please, don't give me that look. I thought he was hot and decided to shoot my shot. That's all. I'm not interested anymore."
"Doesn't that make me no better than Bede?" I frown.
"You don't have to be better than him." Serena grins a wicked grin. "You just have to beat him."
Cilan seems convinced when he pulls a face and shrugs. "Maybe you'll find out if he still feels anything for you. At worst, you have to fake a break up with her."
I sigh. This sounds like an awful idea. "I'm not kissing you," I say to her. That's a line I won't cross. Not when I'm still so in love with him. I'm not like him- I wouldn't make him see that. Even if he has no feelings left for me.
"Don't worry. I'll just drop it into the conversation tomorrow. In a natural way, of course, so he doesn't get suspicious."
"You have skating practice tomorrow?" I ask. She nods. "Fine. Just don't drop me in it too much, okay?"
"Me?" Her wicked grin is back. She reminds me of Dawn a scary amount sometimes. "Never."
— — — —
I'm waiting in the kitchen for her to return the next day, an assortment of chocolate spread out between May and I, a reality TV show playing away on the TV. We both look up as Serena enters, her hair windswept, and throws her bag down on the floor.
"How'd practise go?" May asks, mouth full of Maltesers.
"Not great. Goh was in a foul mood the entire time. He barely even touched me, like he thought I was disgusting or something." She sighs. "I suppose I didn't think about that."
"What did you say to him?" I ask, worry blooming in my chest.
"I asked him if there was anything going on between the two of you, because I'd been talking to you, and we'd decided to go on a date and see what happens."
May isn't surprised, because I filled her in on Serena's plan while we waited for her. "Well, did he seem annoyed?" She asks.
"Furious. He's definitely not over you, Ash."
"Or he was just mad in the first place." I sigh. "This was a dumb idea."
"I don't know. But I do know that he's gonna be at that café across the street for the next couple of hours with his flatmates."
His flatmates. That should refer to us. "What are you suggesting?"
She shrugs innocently. "Just that we could happen to walk past, or in there."
"You're enjoying this a bit too much," I sigh, but I'm already standing, running my fingers through my hair in an attempt to fix it. Serena jumps up, dusting off her skirt.
"I actually just want to see the two of you together. There was something between you that was just... I don't know. I was jealous of it."
"Really?" I raise an eyebrow. I've never heard anyone else say they sensed something between us. It's oddly reassuring, and makes a warmth spread across my skin. Serena nods, and looks at May.
"You know what I'm talking about, right?"
May nods too, and it's suddenly hard to swallow. "Yeah. It was kind of electric."
I blow out a breath. We were electric. I turn to Serena, nodding. "Okay. Let's go."