I let my body fall on the bed without trying to calm myself down. My heart was aching not because of what I saw but because of how I saw it. He wanted to show me. He wanted me to see another girl lying in his arms. I never understood why or what did it change for him. Why was he treating me as if I was someone he hated but then showing me signs that he was in love with me? I shut my eyes tight, trying to force my brain to stop thinking. What would it change anyways? He made it clear with what he did that he didn't want me and never will.
I turned on my side, letting my tears roll down the pillow. Why do I even care? I admit it, I did get attached. But it was all because of the affection he was giving me. I got attached to him because he made me get attached. He made me want him around me and only me because he made me believe that he would always be. I felt weak, mentally and physically. I felt confused, hurt and exhausted. Since Dad died, I didn't get a minute of break. I didn't even have time to mourn my father's death.
Falling for him was something I never intended, but why was he giving me this type of attention if he didn't have any feelings for me? Why did he promise me safety? Why did he kiss me? And I once said that I would be a hypocrite to judge my father for this lifestyle if I chose to fall in love with a criminal. It turns out that I, indeed, am a hypocrite.
Someone knocked on the door and I wished it was him. I wished he decided to come and tell me that he was sorry and that he liked me and would give it a try. But it was Joe.
"Hey, Tal," he mumbled before walking closer to the bed.
"Hey Joe," I sat down on the bed, wiping my tears away. He sat in front of me on the bed, staring at me with a sad look, knowing exactly how I felt.
I looked up at him, trying to pretend that I was fine. It took so much effort of me not to cry more but I lost my control when he opened his arms for me. I jumped in his arms and let all my pain out, all my confusion. He sat there, hugging me tightly and tapping my shoulders as I silently let my tears out.
After minutes of shedding my tears, I sat back on the bed. He pushed my messy hair behind my ears, waiting for me to talk.
"I am tired, Joe." I looked away, playing with my fingers to keep my hands busy. "I am tired of falling for his tricks and he simply pushes me away." I took a deep breath. "I do like him, I do. I admit it. But isn't it because of him? Isn't it because he kisses me? Isn't it because he hugs me? Isn't it because he tells me not to forget him?" I refused to blink not to let my tears fall again, "Isn't it because he looks me in the eyes as if he was begging to throw himself in my arms and tell me he loves me?"
"Enough, Tal." He whispered.
I looked up at him. "I am so tired." My chin was shaking and I was begging my body to cry again.
"I am too, Talia!" He yelled, throwing me off guard. "Don't you think it hurts me too, seeing you like this? Don't you think it hurts to see you crying like this? Don't you think it hurts me seeing you love someone else who is incapable of loving anyone other than himself?" He took a deep breath and broke the contact we had. I let my tears fall down my cheeks again, maybe crying would wash the guilt that kept getting higher with every brick he threw at me. "It hurts me to want you when you want someone else who doesn't want you, Tal." He let his tears fill his eyes but refused to let them win. "It hurts me when I hear you complain over and over again about him and how he is hurting you when I know if you give me a chance, I will give you happiness he could never give you." He whispered, not wanting me to hear the last past. He shook his head and got up, disappearing behind the wall.
Before my brain could comprehend what was happening, Luca walked in.
"Are you okay?"
I nodded, not trusting my voice.
"You don't have to tell me what is wrong, I am not a good listener," he let out his vibrant, famous laugh making me smile and shake my head. "But I can help you forget your pain for a couple of hours."
"How?" I quickly asked.
"Come."
The room was loud. The lights were dim. I wasn't sure if I couldn't keep my eyes open because of how much I cried or how much I drank. I lost count of how many shots shugged, but I knew I wanted to stop my brain from thinking. I wanted my heart to stop hurting.
"Here," Luca handed me another one, then raised his free hand and started dancing. I didn't know who was around, but I knew that Joe and Ace weren't in the room. I let my body move to the music, but I knew I was only bombing my head up and down, which was all that my body could do in that moment.
"You good, man?" Niko asked. It took me a second to get my eyes to find him and when I did, I simply nodded, not wanting to yell to be heard. "Close your mouth then." I frowned, not sure what he meant.
The room started spinning with me. I put all my weight on the kitchen bar and sat on one of the stools. I looked behind the bar and saw Luca making more drinks.
"Give me," I said.
"What?" He yelled over the music. I frowned and pointed at the glasses in front of him. "You drank a lot, Talia!"
I clicked my tongue and reached over the counter to take another one. Without hesitating, I let all the liquid fall into my mouth and swallowed it. I sat back down and left the glass on the counter. I closed my eyes.
"I think you need to go to bed, little girl."
It took me a few seconds to realize that it was Romeo talking. I nodded, agreeing with him but couldn't bring myself to get up.
"Do you need help?"
"I'm good–good." I waved him away and got up with the help of the bar. I walked up the stairs with the help of the stairs railings. Then I opened a door and walked in, not knowing it wasn't my room. It was Ace's.
"Talia?"
I looked at him and started laughing.
"Are you okay?"
When I finally stopped laughing, I shook my head, waving my hand in front of my face. I am an idiot. I am a horrible, horrible moron.
"Are you drunk?"
"No."
He got up and walked towards me. I stared at him, shirtless again with the same sweatpants. I slowly moved my eyes up to his eyes.
"Let's get you to your room." He held my upper arm but I pulled out of his grip and took a few steps away, trying to keep my balance.
"Why do you keep running from me?"
"Running from you?" he scoffed. "I don't run." I let out a soft laugh and shook my head. Of course, he would say that.
"I am tired of your games, Ace." I looked straight into his eyes, wanting him to give me a final answer at this game, "what do you want from me?"
"What do you mean?" He played stupid.
"Ace, you're giving me mixed signals. You kiss me, then you ignore me. Then you tell me it is just a kiss. You hug me, call me Lia and tell me to take care of myself. Then you are rude to me. You get mad I am talking to Joe, but leave the door open to make me see you with another woman. Why do you care if you don't want anything from me?"
"I just am–"
"Don't start with: I am just taking care of you bullshit. Ace, what do you want? Either you tell me how you feel or stop giving me signals that show you like me."
He stood there silent, not because he had nothing to say but because he didn't want to say anything. Maybe because he wasn't sure of his answer or wasn't sure of what he wanted, but I wasted all my patience to give him his time to think. I wanted an answer at the moment, and I knew that if he didn't give me one, I would make one myself.
"I don't do love, Lia." His voice was soft and low, for once, it was not harsh and firm. As if his heart was feeling something his brain didn't agree on. The nickname he gave me softened my heart.
"What?" I found a word to say despite the gulp that blocked my throat.
"I–" He looked away as if my eyes were his weakness, and he didn't want to admit it. "I don't know."
"Are you scared to commit? Is that it?"
"No, I–" he looked back at me, "I can't be in a relationship. I don't do love, Lia." He repeated. I blinked the tears away and refused to show him my weakness. I gulped and kept my eyes fixed on him, seeing in his eyes something his tongue wanted to hide. But for once, his eyes were talking, begging him to talk, begging me to understand. But I knew that I couldn't force him to feel something he was stopping his heart from feeling. And with that, the only logical thing to do was to force my heart too, but in the opposite way.
I nodded. "Okay," I sniffed and kept my chin high, "but I can't stay in the house because you are incapable of making me feel like your words are true. What you're showing me is not what you're saying."
"Talia,"
"No. I am not asking you, Ace. I will leave. I have to leave."
"You can't go back home."
And with that, I left the room, leaving behind any hope that something could at any point happen between us.