Daniel laughs audibly as if I've said something funny, and I know there's no getting out of it now.
Here we go then, time to talk.
"You know what I mean." He takes a seat and I break for the bar, pouring us both a whiskey before we start.
Daniel exhales deeply as he takes the glass from my hand, "I'm sorry." Leaving his lips.
We could exchanges sorries for weeks if we wanted, but I'll take his apology at face value. I don't need to hear it for each individual thing, I just need him.
Need us.
"It's fine, really."
"It's not," He reaches for my knee "I was out of pocket."
Maybe it's just walls and self defense from my childhood but in all honesty his outburst are easy to sweep under the rug for me. "Everyone gets upset sometimes."
Daniel eyes me, not having it. "You know it was unacceptable, right?"
Do I?
I know it was embarrassing. "I guess so."
"I promise, and I mean it - I'll never raise my voice like that at you again. Just because it's not the first time a man has doesn't mean it's okay." Daniel looks torn up, his brown eyes welling up with tears.
Just because it's not the first time...
His words strike a cord with me and we both know it. My heart softens, "Okay."
Quite the change of pace since our last few fights but I'm not complaining.
When he says he won't raise his voice at me again, I believe it. No matter how heated it's been between us I've never found myself fearing him. Fearing his blows.
More than anything I've found myself fearing being without him above all.
"Will you tell me what happened? I want to know everything."
Everything?
This is gonna take a while.
Starting from the beginning, "I found out I was pregnant on my birthday. I was going to tell you when you flew in... Until you took her home instead of me."
I don't say her name, don't need to. He knows exactly what I mean.
A twinge of pain flashes across his face at he memory and he swigs his whiskey. "I remember that night... We were so serious, so fast I was terrified to blow it up. I drank too much and thought maybe it was easiest to walk away on my terms than hurt later."
Oh.
So he slept with her to end things with us.
Funny how that turned out, sitting her with him
now. We've been through hell and back and somehow it's still us sitting together at the end of the day.
I hope it always will be.
"Regardless, I didn't tell you after that. My mama had just passed and it's hard to even put into words but, I was so excited to have a family of my own. A do over from how I grew up. Someone to depend on me and be my own." The truth in my words makes me cry, and Daniel pulls me into his arms for comfort.
His touch calms the depression within me like a moth to a flame. He doesn't speak, allowing me to continue and handling this conversation a million times better than our first on the matter. Squeezing my eyes shut I recall the worst of the story for him. "I was overjoyed when I found out she was a she. I even painted her room pastel pink -" We chuckle together lightly as he wipes the tears from my cheek. "I remember sitting at my desk when I started bleeding. It was a Tuesday. It was the worst agony of my life... By the time I made it to the hospital it was too late."
"I'm so sorry Elsa." Daniel speaks in barely a whisper, emotion clogging his voice.
And mine too for that matter. "I buried her next to my mama and I just remember feeling so numb. So alone. I didn't leave my house for weeks... not until Amelia called."
She had no way of knowing, but she couldn't have called at a better time. Ferrari was my saving grace.
"About the job?" He asks puzzled because we had only briefly met before once or so to his knowledge.
"About the job. So I sold everything, and got out of England as fast as possible. After everything that happened it felt like it was time for a fresh start, you know?"
He nods because he does know. "Elsa, the biggest regret of my life is not being there for you both. I'll apologize everyday for the rest of my life and somehow it will never feel enough. I'm was such a fucking idiot."
As if something in him breaks at the words he collapses into me, both of us holding onto one another for dear life as waves of emotion pass through us.
When I can finally speak again, he kisses me first and both of our cheeks are wet with tears between our lips. "I forgive you." And I do. He didn't even know, and I know he means it. I know he would have been there if he could. Now it's my turn to ask the questions and there's only one major one left between us. "Can you tell me what changed? You were so pissed off I thought for sure we were over."
Daniel inhales deeply and I feel the stress vibrating off of him as if it were my own. "I just sat with my anger long enough to realize it was really grief."
Wow.
Grief.
Grief for her. Grief for us. Grief for what could have been. His words almost thicken the air, pulling us both into thoughts of what could have been.
But what could have been isn't.
And he's here now.
Still, we cuddle into each other and hold on as night comes for us. Hoping this time we never have to let go.
Hoping this time we'll get it right.
The next day comes to quickly. And it's a hell of a day for Ferrari in Zandavoort, and Red Bull at that. Red Bull took the world championship win Max winning it all - and deservingly so.
And Ferrari officially won the constructors by having more double podiums this year than ever in history. It's a momentous occasion, and one Daniel and I are forced to celebrate separately at our respective team parties the night of.
But the second we touch down in Abu Dubai, it's game on. There isn't a driver on the grid who isn't ready to let loose and separate this years champions.
A club isn't enough so the boys pooled together and rented a massive house, someone and not likely them setting up the event of the season. There's not one, not two but three bars, Lando on the DJ, a hot tub and towers of food.
There's dancing and laughing and the mood is lighter than ever in the season.
And I get to be on Daniels arm, so it's heaven.
I'd so missed being his girl.