Juliet.
These past few days, I've been keeping it to myself— too much stuff in my head to do anything else. I needed to work on what was bothering me before I let anyone in. But how would I work on myself when half the time I'm thinking about stuff that is impossible to heal?
Healing is a long process that takes time and effort, and I don't seem to know how to do it. I hurt myself mentally instead of trying to help. I become a monster, and I am unrecognizable to those I love. I try not to do it, but how do I stop?
For the most part, Harry and I have been ignoring each other. Or having small talks both of us too stubborn to talk about thwart happened.
I've attempted to manage my own emotions as well.
I am meeting up with Zayn today as Harry hired help to remove my belongings from the apartment. Since the accident, I haven't been back, and I never intended to since I couldn't.
" Juliet." As I entered the living room, Zayn grinned at me. I turned around to see him coming from the kitchen. My eyes sag to the ground as I picture my mother laying there.
I smiled and sat down on one of the couches, saying, "Hi, how are you?"
" Good." He breathes out clearly. "How are you doing? Be honest."
I cross my arms across my chest biting my lip. I've had a lot on my mind, to be honest. I admit. Not to mention how I had thoughts about Harry, a small voice in my head warned me not to tell Zayn about me and Harry. "I keep thinking about Mom and about what happened in my apartment."
"I'm sorry—"
" Zayn." I try to stop him before he can apologize anymore, but he also stops me and shakes his head. "I'm sorry, I couldn't be there. I'm sorry I can't find Mother's killer and relieve you of this terrible burden.
"You are not to blame for it." I rasped, feeling lightheaded from all the brightness. "You're giving it your best effort, and that's all that counts."
"I let you get hurt." he reasons.
"I didn't get hurt." I gulped, "I got myself to safety before he could do anything harmful and called Harry, and he, uh, Harry killed him." I muttered and shifted my hands restlessly. "I am sorry."
"What are you sorry for?" he chuckles. "You did nothing, JJ."
"But I did," I whispered, guilt eating me alive. "I gave you such a hard time when you were simply looking out for me. And I'm sorry that—I'm sorry for giving you shit; you were just trying to protect me, and stubborn me couldn't understand."
"You grew up alone, JJ—I admit I wasn't the best brother." Zayn looks tenderly at me and chuckles.
"Don't say that." Before I could continue, he cut me off. He is the best brother. "Listen to me, Juliet." He chuckles, "I know I wasn't the best brother, and I didn't protect you—from Mom, from all this cartel shit." He pauses for a brief moment. I did it to keep you safe because I didn't realize that doing it could hurt you or cause you to grow up alone. I felt like I lost you, Juliet when Mom passed away."I can feel tears brimming in my eyes.
Although we both acknowledge what happened, Zayn and I never fully discussed the effects of my mother's passing. Neither of us found comfort in the other. I was never aware of how my behavior affected him. "When I found you, Juliet, you were so pale that I initially believed you were going to leave me too. Mom was dead for two days, and it looked like you didn't move at all— you had—" He stops himself from continuing, and I knew what he wanted to say.
As disgusting as it sounds, I was coated in my bodily waste and had no control over it. "All I did was hold you because you were so shaken up and dehydrated, yet you felt so empty. I felt as though I wasn't hugging anyone."
"I took care of you that first night, cleaned the blood off your body, and showered you. I was terrified. I tried to talk to you but you wouldn't—you talked to me a week later on mom's burial, but you pretended like you were okay, Juliet."
Tears rolled down my eyes, and I was quick to wipe it. I sob; my throat feels raw. "I'm sorry— I'm not sure what happened to me, Zayn; I was so scared. I was scared to lose you; I was scared to lose Dad; I was scared they were going to come back and kill me. Especially after all that attention we got from the media, they didn't know I was part of the family."
"Hey, no, no, don't apologize," Zayn said while wiping away my tears and cradling my face. "I don't blame you for cutting off me and everyone else—I don't blame you for anything, okay? Only you know what you went through that day."
I nodded, and he was back to wiping my tears. "I'm just glad that you're okay now; Mom's killer may still exist, but I can assure you of this, Juliet. I will find them, even if it's the last thing I do in this world, and maybe I'm doing it for Mom or maybe I'm doing it for you, but it'll happen one day."
"Thank you for always being there for me, Zayn; I honestly don't know what would have happened to me if you hadn't come that night." Zayn kissed me on the forehead while remaining silent.
"I'm just happy you're safe."
"Me too," I whispered, thinking about the depression I got into and how I dragged Zayn and my father along. I treated them horribly and put them through so much misery. I would never be able to forget treating them as if they were unimportant.
" Hungry? Want something to eat? can call up our cook."
"Wanna cook something? I, um, I want to spend time with you," I suggest. Zayn nodded and grinned.
"Just don't poison me, eh?"
"Oh, fuck off." I giggled as I pushed his shoulder away from mine. "You're annoying." Zayn stands up and gives me a hand.
"I love you more, Juliet." I smiled before entering the kitchen. Even if it has undergone numerous renovations, I will always believe that the memories are still present.
"So where are you staying? Is Harry getting you a new place to live?"
"I'm not sure, but for the time being, I'm taking his guest bedroom."
How's that?" he hums.
"It's nice— he has a very big house; his daughters are literal angels; he's nice." Zayn hums as he begins to gather some ingredients.
"Good, that's okay. Ready to start learning how to cook, Ms. Malik?" Zayn turns to look at me.
☆
Except for the lights coming from the kitchen, the house was quiet when I walked through the doors. I move cautiously and gently in its direction.
I muttered, "Hey," as I noticed Harry, who was wearing just a pair of gray sweatpants. He had tea on the stove and a cup on the counter. He turns to look at me and nods.
Harry clears his throat and turns his head "Juliet. Would you like some tea?" I hummed, and Harry turned around once more and reached for a cup.
I watched him silently, and I took a seat on the counter chair. "Harry. Can we talk, please?" I tapped the counter while mumbling.
"I think we should talk," he murmured back, turning around once he got what he was doing ready. His biceps are flexed as he folds his arms across his chest while leaning against the counter.
I cleared my throat and looked away, rubbing my arms. "I know—you were trying to help a few mornings, and I was being a total fucking bitch."
" Juliet." His tone sounded harsh, and I shivered, looking up into his eyes. He said, "You weren't being a bitch. I was overreacting." I took a deep breath and remembered Harry's angry outburst and how I had accused him of having a medical issue.
"I sometimes tend to do that when things don't go my way."
"I'm sorry for accusing you of having bipolar disorder; I'm sorry for lashing out at you, Harry. I know this isn't an excuse, but I grew up doing this alone. I went through this alone. I fought these demons in my head alone. I have no idea how to let someone in or let them in to help me."
"I don't want to burden people with my problems— it's the same thing over and over again."
"It's not a burden, Juliet."
I look away and bite my lip while taking a breath. It's not a burden. I repeat it in my head. I gulped down a lump that had formed in my throat and felt like my mind was foggy. My entire body trembled as a result of unanticipated feelings. I turn to face Harry, whose attention is already focused on me. He was calmly watching me, and I took my time to take in everything about him.
The curl that hung above his eyes that no matter how many times he pushed it away, it always fell forward again, and his lips stayed a light shade of pink. His arms were covered in tattoos— ones I'll never get tired of. It was art on a body.
After a few minutes, I cleared my throat and looked away. I only wish someone could read my mind. I rolled my eyes, "I wish you could just see it instead of trying to understand what I feel because I don't know how to talk about my feelings or how to explain to someone the pain, burden, and disgust I carry inside of me."
" Disgust?" Harry lifts an eyebrow as the words hang in the air. "Why do you feel disgusted, Juliet?"
I shrugged and bit my inner cheeks, and suddenly I felt like a little girl all over again, in the interrogation room, listening to the detective ask me questions I didn't have the answer to and accuse me of killing my mother. Perhaps she was right. It's my fault my mother died. I failed to save her.
"I just— uhm.." I stop myself from continuing the words dying in my throat. "I don't know Harry."
"I think you do." He swallows and turns his head away. "You're only afraid of being seen differently by others." He was right, so when he said it, it hit me like a bolt of lightning. I am scared of how people will see me when I tell them what I said and how I felt.
"I feel disgusted with myself because every time I think of my mother, I picture her being skinned alive, being tormented till she passed out and was woken up again, and then I picture myself laughing that she was dead and being happy. Did I ever feel sad?"
"Do you remember everything about that night?" He asked softly, and I shook my head.
"I don't remember what happened after her death—I just know I was alone. I lost a lot of people; Zayn was the only person I had." I was sucked in by a breath. "Zayn fed me, gave me a shower, and always took care of me; I don't think I would be alive today without him."
Harry moves a little bit closer until he is in front of me. "Juliet, you want someone who can understand your mind, but to have someone understand your mind is a different kind of power. You went through something only you could understand. And you showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days."
I gently smiled. "I'm not crazy for leaving? To be alone right? To leave people who helped me when my mother died." I laugh. "I don't know how to apologize to those I've hurt and left."
"You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up. It's not easy to live in a home where your mother was murdered, but talking about her death doesn't make you insane. It's a pain you carry, a pain you try to work with. I can help you deal with this pain." He wrinkles his brow. "If you let me."
I try to understand him— to understand why he would help me. I wonder what goes through his mind, what he thinks about, and how his mood can shift so drastically in such a brief period of time.
"I don't know how to let someone help me, but let's be honest, Harry, how would you help me?" He keeps quiet while staring at me. "I just needed to be alone. I didn't mean to be rude or hurt your feelings in any way. " I shouldn't have diagnosed you with having something I don't know if it's true."
"Why can't you let someone help you?" He asks with a raised eyebrow, and I say nothing. I ask myself the same thing.
"I get scared," I confessed, meeting his eyes. "I don't want you to think that I'm insane or that I'm this girl who is continuously thinking about her mother's death. I don't want to push more people away; you're a good friend."
"I don't think you are crazy." Harry shook his head and appeared to be contemplating something as his brows furrowed. "I don't blame you for pushing people away; I do it too. What you went through is difficult." I don't say anything, and before I can, Harry goes on. "I won't be able to help you in the manner in which you wish to be helped, but I can help you overcome an anxiety attack or in times of difficulty. You shouldn't go through that alone."
Thinking about not being alone during a panic attack felt like a dream— a weight being lifted off my shoulders. "That sounds nice," I murmured, and Harry turned off the stove. "Thank you." I smiled, feeling something shift between us.
He looks at me. "There is no need for you to thank me when I haven't done anything." I rolled my eyes and swung around in my seat. "You help me more than you think, Harry."
Harry nods as he brings me a teacup. "Don't worry about it, Juliet; I am sorry as well for bursting out on you."
I sucked in a breath and felt horrible about myself. "You had all the reasons to treat me like you did," I murmured, cutting him off. "I wasn't the best. You don't need to apologize."
"But I do."
Instead of listening to him, I murmured, "So are we okay?" He hums and takes a sip of his tea. "As long as you're okay."
"I am." I stared at Harry. "I'm okay." I nodded again. "Do you have whip cream?" I look over at Harry; he scrunches up his face and nods slowly.
"I do. What do you need whip cream for?" He takes a sip of his tea and looks over at the fridge, opening it and passing it to me.
"My tea." I grinned once he passed it to me and poured some into my cup, watching it spill over.
"What the fuck?" I look over at Harry, and his face holds a disgusted expression. He looks down at my cup, then back at me and into my eyes. "You're not drinking that shit."
"Uh, yes, I am." I rolled my eyes and picked up the cup. "It's good."
"How in the fuck is that good, Juliet?" I smiled drinking.
"It's sweet!" I laugh in self-defense, and he shakes his head. I tasted the whipped cream as I brushed my tongue over my lips. "Here, try."
"No," he shakes his head, "rather not die." I stood up after rolling my eyes. "Stop being dramatic, Harry; I promise it's good." I clenched my teeth, "C'mon, try it, please," I approached him.
Harry turns his attention from me to the cup before looking down. "You're trying to kill me, I swear." I laugh, and he turns back to look at me taking the cup from my hands. I watch him squint his face and take a tiny sip. "Fucking disgusting."
I grinned and shook my head, watching him lick his lips. I muttered, "You don't like anything, Harry—unless it's healthy."
Harry shakes his head and shoves me back with his hand on my hips, "It's not good, Juliet."
I smiled and sipped my tea once again. "What do you like? What is your go-to unhealthy snack?"
"Popcorn— with lots of butter." I smiled, "I don't eat it as a snack every day, but occasionally I do."
"And watch Princess and the Frog." Harry rolled his eyes and put his cup down.
"No, dummy, I watch my own movies."
"Ah!" I giggled, placing my cup down. "What movies." Harry's eyes fall to my lips, and his thumb presses against the corner of my mouth. He muttered, "Such a messy girl," and shoved his thumb between my teeth.
" Suck." I wrapped my lips around his thumb and sucked on his finger. "Good girl," he whispered, and he pulled his thumb away, holding my jaw. My mouth slightly drops open as I look intently into his eyes.
Cupping his face, I pull him down— lips falling on his. I exhaled sharply gasping. Harry's lips were gentle against mine, and I could feel his warmth enveloping me. He begins to bite at my lips, and I let out a deep, low groan. Our tongues brushed against one another as Harry's invited itself inside my mouth.
He dug his nails into my hip and pushed me until our skins touched each other. Harry sucks in a loud gasp through his nose as soon as our mouths come together, squeezing my lips in a frenzied and desperate kiss. I can feel my emotions inside me.
I pull away and gasp for air as Harry kisses my jaw, making his way to my neck. I hear him groan against my skin, and my finger glides through his hair, softly pulling.
He walks until my back hits the counter. His lips are all over mine— wet and hot kisses. My hands slid down his hair and gripped his shoulder. Harry moves away and places his forehead against mine.
I let out a single breath. "I'm still mad at you." He chuckles and puts his hands around my waist, drawing me close to his chest.
"Oh yeah?" I hummed, and shortly after, his hands began to slide up my dress, allowing it to brunch up on my hips. "I'm mad at you too." He makes noise while fiddling with the band of my panties.
"I hate you." Harry's mouth was crashing, and his kiss had my rage written all over it. I gasped into the kiss and felt my back crash against the counter because it was so intense and violent. One of his hands found my hair, knitting his fingers into it and pulling roughly. I groan, forcefully leaning on him. His free hands grab my thighs and pull me up onto the counter, never separating from my lips.
"Say it again, Juli. Tell me that you hate me." His hot breath fanned my face, and when I didn't answer, he pulled my head back with so much force that I swear my heart dropped and my pulse quickened. "Say it again." He gritted his teeth, pain lingering through my scalp, and I moaned.
He pulls me closer to the edge of the counter, "I hate you." I say it again: His eyes grew dimmer until no green was visible around them.
Harry gave me an amused grin as he kissed me hard under my jaw, tilting my head so I was facing the ceiling. My mouth drops open, and I groan in frustration.
" Harry." I start to cry out more as his free hand runs up my thighs and gently touches them, biting the skin under my jaw. He hummed, bunching my dress at my waist.
Instead, he adds, "Again." I look across at him as he releases his grip on my hair. "Tell me you hate me again."
I gulped, my head began to feel foggy and my heart began to race. When I open my mouth to speak, my lips quickly close again. Harry tightened his hold on my jaw and raised my head. "Lemme hear you, slut."
"I hate you." I gritted my teeth. "You make me feel awful. I hate you. I hate you." Harry tutted, biting hard on the skin just below my ear, enough that a small cry left me.
He urged me, "Go on," and his hands slid down to wrap around my neck. "What do I do that makes you hate me, mhm?" He arched his brow.
"You treat me badly; you make me feel useless. you—"
"I what? Get you so mad that, at the end of the day, you're still willing to sleep with me?" He laughs, and I don't have time to argue back with him. His fingers tightened around my throat. They dug right into the airway. He leaned forward, beginning to kiss my lips all over again. I was panting when he pulled away, his lips pink and swollen.
"Fuck you." I gritted my teeth and watched him sink to his knees.
"You know, Juliet, I don't go down on my knees for anyone." He chuckles and spreads my legs apart, focusing on the area between my thighs, before turning to stare directly into my eyes. He grips my thighs and pulls me closer to him. My whole body jerks and I'm now lying down on my back, the cold counter sending chills all over my body. I pulled myself onto my elbow and gasped. "But you— you make me want to spend all day on my knees fuckin' that pretty little cunt with my mouth."
His lips twisted into a grin when he pulled my underwear off entirely. He then leaned down and kissed my inner thigh, dragging my skin between his teeth.
I groan, gripping the edge of the counter with my hands while his tongue flew out and dragged up slowly. "You don't understand how long I've been thinking about you— about how fuckin' perfect n' sweet you are."
"Harry!" I moan, and he blows into me, causing my whole body to jerk.
He growled, "Slut," the sound vibrating just where it should. He tipped his jaw up, pausing for a split second, his breathing slightly erratic. "I need you to be quiet for me, pretty girl." He tilts his head and gives me another thigh-high kiss, this time with his tongue teasingly sliding along my inner thighs.
I leaned closer and mumbled, "Harry," while biting my lip.
"So fucking wet." He conveniently avoided the one spot I wanted him to pay attention to and licked a long stripe up my clit. "Just for me, right?"
I looked down at Harry. It appeared as though he knew because he tilted his head up to meet my eyes. "Let me hear you, Juliet." He cooed mockingly, "Who gets to fuck this pretty little cunt of yours, mhm?"
"You."
Harry grabbed my thigh tightly, "That's it," causing me to shriek. "My pretty little slut," Harry murmured. "I am glad to be the only one who can taste n' fuck you. I just want you to be a brat with me. Only me."
He was about to bury his face in the tops of my thighs and I cried out, reaching for Harry's hair. Harshly tugging, I felt him groan against me.
I let out another loud moan and Harry pulls away completely. A gasp leaves my lips, and my eyes fall open, landing on Harry, who is rising to his feet. He gripped my jaw and pressed my cheeks together. I forced a harsh swallow and stared into his eyes. " What happened."
He clenched his jaw, "I told you to be fucking quiet." I blink my eyes at him. "I'm sorry," I muttered. "Please, Harry."
"Pretty fuckin' mouth." Harry tutted, pulling my lower lip back with his thumb. "Never fuckin' listen, do you?"
" I do," I fluttered my eyelashes at him. He completely pulls me off until my feet touch the ground, my dress slipping down to cover my body. "God, take this shit off," he gritted his teeth. He tugs down on my dress, causing my breasts to show; Harry's gaze immediately falls on them and I feel a growing pain between my legs.
"Harry, please." Harry ignored my words. "What do I have to do so you can listen, mhm?" He murmured and buried his teeth into the crook of my neck and pulled some skin with his mouth. "Fuck you like a slut."
" Please." I whimper.
"That's what you want, isn't it?" he laughs. "What more do you want me to do to you besides fuck you like a slut?"
"I just want you to fuck me," I whined, and Harry's lips twitched into a smirk. "Say please."
I said in a frantic voice, "Please. I need you, Harry; please fuck me. I need you to fuck me." He grins and taps the side of the face with his palm, "Shhh, princess." He inserts his thumb into my mouth grinning, "Suck."
I followed the instructions, swirling my tongue around his thumb. "Good girl," he whispered biting down on his lips.
He pushed our hips into each other and pressed our centers together, kissing my throat once more, "I'll fuck you." As soon as his lips touched mine once more, I muttered, "Please." Harry palmed his erection, yanking his pants down. "Fuck—I need a condom." Harry wipes his face with his hand, and I grit my teeth before snatching a condom from my purse.
He arched an eyebrow and turned to look at the condom before looking at me. "Why do you have a condom in there?" He grabbed my jaw, and I grinned teasingly.
"You never know when I'm going to need one." Harry chuckles clicking his tongue on the roof of his mouth. Harry suddenly dips a hand between my thighs, and I instantly lean forward, collapsing on him. He grabs me, and I bite down on his shoulder, moaning.
Harry tsked before pushing me back. "You don't listen, do you?" He shakes his head. "I need you to be quiet; you wouldn't want to wake up the kids, do you?" As soon as I come to my senses, Harry starts digging his fingers deep into my throat. I gagged, and his eyes fell on mine.
He jerks to the condom that was lying wrapped on the kitchen counter, "Put on the condom." Harry's hands push into me once again as I groan, causing my moans to become muffled.
He pulls his fingers away and tucks his underwear down, freeing himself. "Go on." I ran a tongue over my lips and picked up the condom, looking over at Harry, who was watching me.
"Rip it." I did just that since I felt comfortable that he wasn't judging me. "Good," he says, flashing me a smile. "Now you're going to place it on top first." My hands wrapped around his cock, and Harry sucked in a breath, letting out a groan.
"Pinch the air out of the condom's tip." I did exactly as he told me, remembering when he put it on himself and I rolled it over his cock. "Good girl," he whispered. "Good fuckin' girl," and in a blink of an eye, he spins me around and pushes me down until my breast and face touch the cold counter. I let out a loud gasp and a moan. "Open your mouth."
I open my mouth, and then Harry stuffs my panties into my mouth. "I suppose gagging you is the only way to keep quiet." He tutted and ran his hand along my back and on my ass, where it made contact. I scream, jerking my body; the sound of my moan is muffled.
I closed my eyes as he massaged the area where he had just struck me. I was dripping down my thigh— desperate. I only wanted him inside of me. He hits me harder this time on my other cheeks, and I can feel the ring's sting piercing my flesh.
I had no time to prepare myself. Harry slammed his hips into mine. Feeling him slip in and out with ease. My hips hit the counter, and I gasped, closing my eyes. Harry's teeth dug into my shoulder as our skins came into contact. He backs up and slams into me once more.
My hips keep slamming into the counter, sending pain all across my body. My eyes roll back, and muffled moans escape my lips.
"So fuckin' perfect." He spoke above my head, and at this moment, all I want to see him. "Fuck Juli— so good. So perfect." Harry's hand was holding onto my jaw and pulling on my hair until it was lifted off the counter as he began a rough rhythm, with his tempo picking up until I felt like I couldn't breathe.
My throat felt raw, and his hands ran down my ass before he smacked me again. He snaps his hips back into me as I put my head on the counter. "Have me fuckin' thinking about you when touchin' myself."
My hands were flat against the counter. Harry made low, yet extremely powerful, moans and grunts. I knew I was about to be bruised up tomorrow morning, but I wasn't thinking about that right now.
Harry easily slid out of me and into it, making me feel like my insides were on fire. He knelt and whispered in my ear. "Wanna cum, angel?" I nodded as I heard him chuckle against my skin pressing harder on my hips. "God, how I wish I could hear you—hear all those whiny noises coming out of that perfect funkin' mouth, n' fuck you hard."
I gasped and bit my lip firmly as Harry withdrew the underwear from my mouth. "Please." I struggled, swallowing harshly. My vision became blurry, and it became hard to stand—Harry seemed to notice quickening his pace."Promise to fuck you just as hard in my room and let you make all the noises you want. Let you be my slut all night."
His finger pulled harder into my hair. "If you make a noise, I'll stop. I'll stop fucking you and leave you alone."
" No." It came out quicker—I desperately wanted to cum. I need him. Now more than ever, I needed this.
He said, kissing my shoulder, "Good girl. My good fuckin' slut" His hands sneaked between my thighs and circled my clit.
"Cum. Cum all over my cock. Lemme see you cum all over me, whore."
Harry was smiling against my skin and quickening the rhythm with his fingers and hips as I mumbled, "Please." It didn't take long for me to say, "I'm going to cum Harry," and then I was closing my eyes and feeling Harry's fingers slip back into my mouth as if he sensed I was about to be too loud. butterflies erupted in my stomach, and fireworks shot all over "Shit Juli."
My eyes rolled back as his fingers dug deep into me. "That's it, Juli—fuck." His movements became sloppy and his head rested on my shoulder, his words comforted me as I sank from my high.
Harry was slipping out of me, and I was whining—turning around—as we were both breathing heavily. He grasps my body and keeps me standing. "Are you okay?" he asks softly, and I nod, his lips pressing against my throat and one hand tilting my head higher.
I lazily grin at him, rubbing my hands up his chest and wrapping them around his neck. I admit, "I'm okay. Though you could've been a little rougher—" He laughs while raising an eyebrow, and I smirk.
Harry exhaled quickly between his teeth. "Oh yeah?" His mouth once again kissed mine. "Do you think you can handle it?"
"Only one way to find out, mhm?" I flashed him a grin and he took me upstairs.