The group splits up as we head to our separate classes, Josh leads the way to the sports hall and pushes me towards a little office near the entrance, a young guy not that much older than ourselves stands behind the desk, his attention focused on his lap, probably on his phone, at least I hoped he was on his phone.
Josh cleared his throat as the guy finally looks up, "He's a new student so he will need a sports kit".
The guy has scruffy short brown hair and looked annoyed he was being disturbed from whatever he was doing on his phone, still clutching it tightly in his right hand while he stands to lean over a computer screen.
"name" he beckons without looking at me, "Sam Cooper" I say taking a step forward.
"huh" he says more like grunt and clicks some of the keys on the keyboard, he spins around and takes a clear plastic bag from the shelf behind him along with a form from the printer which was printing out.
"Got to sign here to say you've received it, I've given you a small size, but if it doesn't fit come back to exchange it before you have sports, I cant change it afterwards and if you lose it you have to pay for the next one ok"
His voice is monotone like he's reading from a script, I sign the paper and take the bag off the desk, I can see inside there is a blue t-shirt and some white shorts both with the school's logo on them, "he clearly loves his job", I say quietly spinning to turn back to Josh & Ella.
"Are we playing football?" I smile reviewing the kit in the bag which certainly looked like the schools football kit
"yeah schools mad about it remember, so we all have to play even us girls" Ella sighs in frustration but my smile only gets bigger, "I like football" I say grinning
"the dork is secretly a jock, I mean you have jock vibes I guess" Ella nudges me
"I used to play is all" I nod
We make our way down the hallway towards the changing rooms, Josh and I head through to the boys while Ella continues onwards.
The boys changing room was petty much the worst place I could be, being gay it was often the place where the other guys would make their thoughts on me being gay well known, like it was a disease they could catch, and that I should be banned from all boy changing rooms and toilets, and 'go change with the girls' instead.
It was the source of many taunts back in Brookdale, its where Kevin would stand at the entrance and tell me I had to go change somewhere else, that I wasn't allowed to shower in there, I would often wait until the guys had finished and shower afterwards, this meant I was late for class and then it would lead to a detention.
Its why I hated sports, not so much the sport itself, just all the shit that came with it because im gay.
"whats wrong" Josh asked as if he could read my mind, "nothing" I lie shaking my head, I head to a free locker while other students busy themselves getting changed, tearing open the new sports kit bag I strip to my boxers and fling my clothes into the locker.
I pull on the shorts and t-shirt which are a good fit, and then put my trainers back on, I had gotten getting changed down to seconds, it was what I was used to, and how I survived at my last school, now I was left awkwardly standing waiting for josh to do the same.
And it wasn't because I was scared being around other half naked guys, it didn't effect me, it wasn't sexual, we were just getting changed, but I was scared people would think that, they would then make me change outside and I'd be back at Brookdale all over again.
Sometimes I would have to get changed outside on the sports field before the other guys would come out, it was the only way to avoid Kevin, that was until I was dropped from the football team of course.
Once Josh is changed we head outside onto the grass field, the cold air creating goose skin on my legs and arms, Mr Crawlow the coach is a black bear, his thick set frame and menacing stare are enough to silence the group with one look, I follow the others lead and stand on one of the white lines outlining the football pitch painted onto the grass.
We all stand there as still as can be all neatly in a row without a single person out of line, it was almost like a military line up, and no one was making a sound either, the only sound was the slight whistle of the breeze as it passed my ears.
There was more than just our tutor there too, I recognised Jackson and some of the people he was hanging around with at lunch, but most of others I hadn't seen before, everyone was mixed along the line, but we were separated from the girls who were nowhere in sight.
"where's the girls?" I whisper to Josh who looks around to make sure Mr Crawlow isn't looking, "separated" he says with a hissed "shhh" as his eyes look to Mr Crawlow, perhaps he was the one teacher no one wanted to get on the wrong side of, he certainly had a look about him.
Mr Crawlow then stretches his paws out ahead on him gesturing for the line to create a gap in the middle, "those on my right, you will be doing the training cones I've set out, those on my left you will be playing a match and we will switch over after 20 minutes".
I'd not played football all summer, in fact after I got kicked from Brookdale's football team I'd not played at all, being back in a kit made me realise just how much I had missed it, I realised I was on his left so I'd be playing first.
Those on the right were motioning to run the course Crawlow had set up for them, his paw hovered over a stopwatch at the first person set off then he set his attention back to the remaining students on the line.
"Eric, you pick team A, Jackson team b, and you'll be wearing the bibs" Crawlow pointed to a large pile of fluorescent over-shirts to denote the difference in teams since we all wore the same blue top and white shorts.
Jackson and Eric stood in front of the line now facing us, Eric's eyes looked up and down the line fixating on me for a moment as he burst out a laugh, "coach shouldn't Sam be playing for the girls team, its not fair to let gays play with the boys surely"
The class giggle to themselves, some of them looking over, I feel the blood rush to my fists as I clench them together, 'you bastard' I say in my head, the glare from Mr Crawlow stops me from vocalising it though.
"Eric just pick your team" he growls "fine, but im not having the gay on my team, no way, Shaun" he says pointing to another athletic fur who moves forward from the line to join Eric, they do a fist bump as Shaun nears
I feel my eyes sting and my throat close up, but I wont let them see it, I grit my teeth and try and think of anything else, why did I ever think this would be any better, this was just the same, more of the same old shit
I was going to be the last person standing on this line, humiliated and made to feel worthless, No-one had even seen me play, the decision made purely on my sexuality, Eric and Shaun laughed to themselves and I knew it was a joke about me, it had to be.
I wondered if I could fake an injury and somehow skip sports for the year, perhaps I could forge a letter from my dad, heck it didn't work at Broookdale, they phoned him up and then I got a 2 day suspension for forging a letter from my parents
Josh nudges me, his lips mouthing the words 'you ok' I simply nod, another lie, I was as far from ok as I could get right now.
It was Jacksons turn to pick, his eyes looking up and down the line much like Eric's, I bit my lip as I waited for some bullshit to leave his maw just like Eric's, I jolted when I heard Crawlows voice though "come on Jackson we haven't got all day" his voice booming and loud.
"err..I'll take the new kid, Sam is it?" he cocks his head slightly, I look up and down the line looking for another Sam to step forward, I then realised he was pointing his paw at me "get to it Sam" Crawlow bellowed as I hesitated to move from the line.
"more like Samantha" Eric laughs again before picking another boy to join his team, I stood next to Jackson who is a little taller than myself and watch him pick other boys from the line up, most of them stretching and idly talking about what position they will play while I stood pulling at the label on the inside of my tee-shirt nervously.
Why did Jackson pick me?, to make matters worse, Josh was on the other team, and I felt completely out of place, everyone else looked like they knew each other, and I didn't, I stuck out like a sore thumb, why would anyone want me on their team?
"ok, 2 minutes until kick off, This years team selection is up for renewal so ill be watching you closely" with that he blew his whistle and went off to shout at the other group telling them to pick up the pace while running around the cones.
"you're soo gonna lose Jackson" Eric sneers pulling his team away from our group.
"do you play at all?" Jackson asks focusing in on me as we huddle into a circle, "I swear I know your face from somewhere" he says almost squinting at me as if it will come to him, I wondered if perhaps we had played on opposing teams in some cross school tournament, but I cant even remember playing against a mixed team before, that would be something I remembered.
"I used to, I haven't played in a while, but I did play as forward for my old team" before I came out, is what I wanted to say, before Brookdale high decided gays don't play football, I didn't tell Jackson that though.
"ok then you're up forward with me, got to make Eric eat his words" I almost took a double take, but that's what this was, this was about a grudge between Jackson and Eric, and I was the pawn in it, but you know what, if I could shove Eric's words right down his throat then I would take any chance I could get to do just that.
A growing sense of determination started to fill me, I started to think of the impossible, what if we could win, that would show him, I even started thinking how I could tell him 'Maybe you should join the girls team Eric' I smiled just thinking about it.
Before I knew it, we were in position on the pitch, Eric and Jackson flipping a coin with coach, Eric wins the toss and immediately kicks off without hesitation, I head towards him cutting off a pass to his teammate, the ball hits my heel and I press forward with it.
Eric growls in frustration and begins the chase, hes quick, much quicker than I expect, I fake a left and move right around one of the defenders spotting Jackson up to the left and give the ball a boot and it surprisingly goes exactly where I want it too, Jackson picks it up and runs up the left wing, I push forward thinking i should be somewhere on the right just in case.
None of the other team pay me any attention, they mark the other players leaving me out in the open, Jackson winds through 2 defenders, seemingly with ease, we are both close to the box and I can see a gap for Jackson to shoot, I will him to take the shot feeling the cold air chill the inside of my lungs making me feel alive.
I'd not played for so long, but all the old feelings were back almost instantaneously, I liked this, I liked running, I liked getting the ball and I ... fuck no Jackson, no...
The ball came through the opening, and I ran forward, the keeper splayed his hands to the side and I could here voices shouting 'Sam' behind me, I tapped the ball forward edging it into position ready to kick it back to Jackson.
He was marked, a defender waiting for the ball, I had to shoot, I didn't want to shoot, I didn't even want the ball right now, with the ball in front of me I gritted my teeth and kicked it with the side of my foot, the ball curling over towards the right, I closed my eyes slowing my run, each thud of my feet on the floor hammering into my chest
The whistle blows and I hear Eric's voice "what the fuck are you doing, how can you let a fucking girl score" he hissed at the defenders as I see the net billow back the ball connecting with the upper right corner just out of reach from the keeper.
I'm filled with pride, I'm filled with adrenalin and I can't help but smile and even laugh to myself, and Eric glares at me
"You're fucking dead Samantha" Eric hissed as he passed me, getting back into position, the keeper doesn't wait for any celebration and is soon getting ready to kick the ball, Jackson offers a wave and pulls his paw into a fist smiling as we get back into position.
The team now take me a little more seriously and mark my position, any ground now is difficult to make, Eric's team pass the ball around without much progression for the next few minutes, Jackson finally manages to get the ball off them but is struggling alone up the left wing passing the ball to another boy, just as I manage to break free, I'm completely open on the right, the boy looks over and sees me, he sees me and ignores me, pushing forward on his own without passing.
Eric's team take him down stopping the push, we have to fight hard for another 5 minutes to get the ball back, one of our defenders kicks the ball forward to a sprinting Jackson, the other boy then has the ball, again I break free from my mark and am out in the open, he sees me and doesn't pass, instead he makes a risky pass back to Jackson, he has to dart backwards to intercept the ball and is immediately tackled.
Jackson wins the tackle and pushes forward, he looks over and without hesitation kicks the ball over to me while making a run forward, I see an opening forming as Eric runs in for a tackle, I dodge a right and get the ball away from my feet back over to Jackson who is now in pride position to shoot, but Eric goes for the slide regardless.
I see the sky spin and hear a loud thud, and the cracking of bones, the taste of blood fills my mouth as I feel a pain in my head, a loud ringing fills my ears but I can still hear it, I still hear what he says "told you I'd fucking get you" the sky continues to spin and everything goes dark.
The next thing I know I'm sat in an office on a comfy blue sofa with an icepack on my head, mud smeared up my legs and all over my new pristine white shorts, there's a graze on my right arm I'm unsure how it got there, Coach is stood before me, "you ok Kid?" he asks as I try and focus on him.
I nod but the pain makes me stop and I press the ice pack on harder.
"Tough tackle that was, but you played well you know" coach says, "you should probably sit the rest of the match out though, get cleaned up in the showers"
"I didn't have the ball, he just came at me" I managed thinking back to Erics tackle, a bruise on my leg and the mud outline from his trainers where his slid into me, far too high to be going for any ball.
"Eric's a good player, he wouldn't tackle without the ball there, you hit your head so I guess it's a bit confusing"
"I know what happened" I protest, the ringing sound still clear in my head and the lights from the room make my head sting, how is that even possible I wondered.
"its just football" he says matter of fact like, shrugging his shoulders "I meant what I said though, you're a good player, get cleaned up ok, and we'll chat after the match?"
"ok" I manage somewhat disorientated, Crawlow leaves the office and heads back outside, I sit for far longer than I probably should have before deciding to head to the showers, I'm thankful its empty and set to washing the mud from my legs and head, its painful when I dry my legs, and putting my uniform back on takes far more effort than it ought to.
My head swims in fuzziness as I start to feel nauseous, racing into the toilet locking the door behind me, my head throbs and I'm pretty sure I'm about to lose my lunch, the filth inside the toilets of the changing room not really helping matters, maybe I just needed to get out of here and get some fresh air.
My fingers hovered over the latch as I heard the rest of the students come back into the changing room, and for some reason I left the latch in place, my fingers hesitating on the cold steel of the bolt, I didn't want to face anyone, I didn't want to face him...
"told you we would win" even the sound of his voice made me angry, Eric...
"get lost, the only reason you won is because of your shit tackling leaving us with 9 guys" I didn't recognise the voice, but it felt vindicating to know I wasn't the only one who knew that tackle was out of order
"Well you were better off without that girl on your team anyway" Eric says laughing
"you mean the boy that took the ball off you and scored, he played better than you ever did, you only won by removing one of my players" the voice was Jacksons, "id rather have Sam on the team any day vs a dirty player like you Eric"
"better get a new changing room then because he's not getting changed in here, he'll get an erection or something"
Laughs followed, laughs at me, it shouldn't hurt but it did, it hurt way more than the bruise did on my head, or the pain from my legs, it hurt way more.
"you couldn't give yourself an erection Eric"
"get fucked Josh!"
They were just guys, I tried to tell myself it was just mindless guys, but I couldn't hold it anymore, my cheeks were wet as I silently sobbed in the toilet of the boys changing room, this was exactly like Brookdale, it was happening all over again.