I DO NOT OWN BOB'S BURGERS
THIS IS JUST FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES.
Tanner's POV:
Everything just seemed like a normal day at Bob's Burgers that is until Mr. Belcher called us into the walk-in with a special announcement. The only thing is . . . I don't know if you know what a walk-in is but if you're familiar with restaurants or watch a a cooking show about a family who owns a restaurant, but a walk-in is a "walk-in freezer" it's where you store refrigerated ingredients. It's like how you have a refrigerator in your home but in a restaurant, it's much bigger. Big enough for you to walk into it -- hence walk-in freezer. And they are in fact very cold.
Anyway, us four minor employees went into the walk-in to here Mr. B wants to say.
Bob: Ok, kids, thank you for joining me here in the walk-in. Thank you all.
Louise: You said we had to, so...
Bob: Shush.
Gene: Brr! I should have brought my cardigan.
Bob: I have an announcement about the restaurant:
Here in this box is the beef That will make our--
Gene, drumroll, please.
Gene: (drumroll)
.
.
.
(drumroll)
Bob: Ok, enough. Gene.
Gene: (slowing and stopping)
Bob: Here in this box is the beef that will make our 100,000th burger.
Tina: . . . Wow.
Tanner: I won't lie but that's impressive.
Gene: Can I touch it?
Louise: I wanna touch it, too.
Gene: I wanna feel it between my toes. Mmm.
Louise: I wanna put a stick of dynamite in it and blow it up!
Bob: No. What is wrong with all of you? No one's touching this meat but me.
Tanner: I won't lie but, I did have the same thoughts about stuff like that when I was younger.
Tina: I have an announcement, too: My bra is chafing me.
Tanner: I don't think that's really an announcement. That's more of a personal thought.
Gene: Oh! I have one. I love... House music. There! I said it! (starts imitating house beats)
Louise: And I'm going to get my gun license, Finally.
Tina: Oh, congratulations.
Gene: Can't believe they're making you wait 3 days.
Bob: Stop stealing my thunder!
Linda: I found the banner! It's from our old printer. You just have to tear off the holes on the side. We were supposed to hit 100,000 ages ago.
Heh. We were way off.
(chuckles)
Gene: Can I-?
Louise: Let me just-
(Tries to get the box)
Bob: No! Stop It!
(Box opens from bottom and bottom of loose meat falls squishes on the floor)
(Bob sighs)
Tina: There it is.
Gene: Get it!
Louise: Dive!
Bob: Oh, my god.
(Gene/Louise moan at the squishy sealing loose beef)
(Later bob is cooking burger)
Bob: Are you number 100,000?
Bob as burger: No.
Bob: Are you mad at me?
Bob as burger: No.
Bob: Oh, burger, you're cute.
Bob as burger: You're cute, too.
Bob: Heh. I'm not.
Tanner: (chuckles) that's adorable. So, how does it feel knowing that you're gonna cook your 100,000th burger?
Bob: Honestly, weird. I mean, I know the kids don't really care at all, but this is something that just makes me proud to be doing this.
Tanner: Well, you should be proud. Doing something you love and achieving something like this is amazing. Even if Gene, Louise, and Tina care, if sure they do on the inside.
Bob: (ruffles Tanner's head) Thanks, Tanner.
(looks outside)
Whoa. Linda!
I think the news is here!
I wonder if they heard about our 100,000th burger!
Linda: What?!
Bob: Tanner, watch the grill for me, I'll be right back.
Bob: (clears throat) Hi. How are you? Uh, what can I do for you?
Reporter?: Are you Bob?
Bob: Uh, yeah. I am.
Reporter?: I'm Randy Watkins, The documentary filmmaker.
Bob: Ok. Uh...
Randy: We're making a film about the beef industry.
I heard you were about to h*t Your 100,000th burger, And I wanted to shake your hand.
Bob: Oh. Yeah. Um...
Randy: Because you, sir, have blood on your hands.
Bob: Eww. Is this ketchup?
Randy: It's the blood of 100,000 slaughtered cows.
Bob: You ketchupped me.
Tanner: Hey, I just finished the burger, what's happening out here?
Randy: What's happening is Bob here has slaughtered cows!
Tanner: . . . Ha ha ha hahah hahah! Oh, wait you're serious. Let me laugh even harder. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Randy: What's so funny about slaughtering cows?!
Tanner: (Laugh sigh) Look, I don't know where you got the idea that Mr. Belcher here slaughters cows but all he does is buy meat, uses it to ground into patties, cook them on a grill and serve!
Randy: We're here to force you to face your victims. Meet your meat!
(Behind Randy is a cow with a blonde wig)
Bob: What the hell?
Tanner: There's something you don't see every day.
Randy: Her name is Moolissa.
She's due to be "Processed" in 5 days, Bob, Unless you choose to spare her life.
Bob: Wh-why?
Randy: That's right.You will decide her fate.
It's a cow-ntdown.
Tanner: (overlapping) Boooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
We'll see what your conscience tells you When you're looking your burger right in the eye.
(Bob gets bonked with a boom-mike)
Bob: Ow! This is ridiculous. It's not a crime to make burgers. There's no blood on our hands!
Tanner: For real! What he does is to cook food and serve it to the public, can't you people get that through your thick skulls?!
Linda: (comes out at a rather bad time with her apron covered in ground meat blood) What's all the yelling about?
(From the apartment window)
Louise: Turns out dad's been putting murder cows in our hamburgers!
Gene: And you made us a part of it! You make me sick.
Bob: Kids, please!
Linda: Oh, look. A cow. Hello, Blondie. Oops. I got some meat on you. Dead cow on live cow.
Gross. Heh heh.
Randy: Oh. God!
Bob: Uh, not a good time, Linda.
Linda: Heh heh. Ooh. (Notices the camera)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob: Randy, stop. Stop filming. You know, We're not gonna be in your cow documentary anymore.
Randy: Well, you don't really have a choice, Bob, 'cause I stop at nothing to expose injustice to animals.
Tanner: More like you stop at nothing to harass people who just cook food and have nothing to do with slaughtering animals.
Linda: Is that wig glued on?
Randy: Yeah. It's-- it's the only way it would stay put. It's to, uh, humanize her.
Linda: It's cute.
Gene: Hmm. I've seen cuter. Honestly, she's a 4.
Bob: Randy, I--I don't know where to begin. You know, this isn't even a female cow. Beef happens to come from steers, which are male cows.
Randy: Then, uh, how do you explain that udder?
Tina: Whoa. What an udder.
Bob: Get away from there, Tina. That's, uh, not an udder.
Randy: Oh, it's not?
Louise: Don't listen to him, Randy. You go ahead and milk that cow. Milk it good.
Randy: Oh, we did.
Bob: You shouldn't have. Milk doesn't come out of that.
Randy: Somethin' came out of it in that bucket over there.
Gene: You mean this bucket of urine? I know urine, and that's urine.
Bob: Gene, put that down.
Gene: No!
Randy: Well, it certainly smells like urine, But that's probably because she's sick.
Bob: No, she's not sick.
Randy: Sick of your practices, Bob!
Tanner: I think maybe Moolisa here is sick of having a wig on her head and being dragged around by a controversial reporter who may or may not be crazy.
Randy: I'm not crazy!
Bob: Ok. You know, we're gonna go inside and call animal control, And then you'll have to leave.
(B kids moan)
(Later)
Animal Control: Ok, so you've got all your permits, And you're renting this storefront?
Randy: Yes.
Louise: Oh, yeah.
Animal Control: And, uh, this cow has had all its sh*ts?
Randy: Yes.
Louise: Sure, sure, sure, sure.
Animal Control: All right. Well, uh, great. My job is done. I'll see you guys later.
Gene/Louise: Bye.
Tina: Bye, animal man.
Bob: What?
Randy: Oh, will you sign A release to be in the movie?
Animal man: Uh, yeah. A movie. Yes.
Tanner: There's no movie!
Gene: You're gonna be a star!
Bob: Excuse me. Hello.
Animal man: Thank you.
Bob: Hello! The person who called you.
Randy: Thank you.
Bob: You can't have a cow on the sidewalk. It's dangerous.
Animal man: Sir, sir, the only thing dangerous about this cow Is how adorable it is. Moo.
Tanner: Are you sure you're not a controversial animal control man?
Animal man: Put your hand on this cow and touch it.
Bob: What?
Animal man: I just know that that's gonna help you.
Gene: Touch the cow.
Kids: (chant) Touch the cow. Touch the cow.
Bob: I'm walking away.
(A.M & Kids look at Tanner)
Tanner: I think I'm good, too
(starts sliding away)
Gene: Touch it.
Louise: Oh, right. Run away, tough guys!
Gene: Yeah! Go take a meat bath! Or whatever it is you people do!
Tanner: whatever.
(Short time later)
Camera-man: "Dial 'M' for mooder," interview one, take one.
Louise: (clears throat) ♪ Ma ma ma ma ♪ ♪ Mi mi mi mi ♪ Perfect.👌
Randy: Do you think cows should be ground up for food?
Louise: Personally, I don't really care, But my father, he loves grinding them up. Gives him a rush. Makes him feel alive. Daddy's a bad, bad man.
Gene: Is this movie gonna have a score? You know, some music to tug at the heartstrings.
Randy: I--I haven't thought about it yet.
Gene: Well, check this out. (Backbeat playing) Bark. Think about it.
Tina: Louise, what does that look like to you?
Louise: Cow poop. Good eye, Tina. Good eye.
Tina: No. I mean it's in the shape of a smiley face, Like an emoticon.
Louise: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You think the cow is texting you an emoticon with its butt? Very interesting.
Tina: Maybe this cow is trying to communicate with us the only way it knows how, with its feces.
Louise: Like Gram-Gram used to do.
(In Bob's Burgers)
Louise: Mom, let's say you had a brilliant plan, but to execute it, you needed to write something using cow poop?
How would you do it?
Linda: Oh. Is this a brainteaser? Hmm. I would use a frosting bag.
Louise: Do we have one?
Linda: Yeah, in the pantry. Am I right? Is it a frosting bag?
Louise: We'll see, mom.
Linda: Bye~
(Later that night)
Louise: (chuckles) . . . (sinister laughter)
. . . Yeah . . . Okey-dokey.
(Morning)
Bob: Bye, kids. Have a good day.
Louise: Murderer!
Bob: (groans)
Louise: Oh. Hi, Randy.
Tina: Whoa. Wink with open smile. Is this for me?
Louise: It has to be.
Tina: What should I do? Should I text back?
Gene: Comin' through- SQUISH.
Tina: Oh, no.
Gene: Ehh. (shrugs) Mm?
(Walks away)
(Later that same day)
Random people appear outside of Bob's Burgers.
Random Woman: Aww.
Random Man: That's so cute. It makes me hungry.
Random Woman: Dear, I want a burger this minute.
Randy: (Megaphone) What's wrong with you people?!
Gene: (Megaphone) Yeah! What's wrong with you people?!
Gene: Now let's talk about your music budget. (Megaphone) Is it a million?
Randy: (Megaphone) We only need one megaphone out here.
Gene: (Megaphone) You know what you need? You need this!
(Keyboard backbeat playing) (dog bark)
Gene: (Megaphone) Think about it!
Linda: Wow. We're mobbed. Thank you, documentary.
Bob: Linda, the documentary is about me being an evil cow killer.
Louise: Murderer!
Tanner: (sigh) Mrs. Belcher, you know Randy still wants Mr. B to decide what to do with Moolisa out there. He's not going to stop harassing us until he makes a decision.
Linda: Oh, come on, Bob and Tanner. There's no such thing as bad publicity. This could be huge for us.
Tina: Like a sex tape.
Linda: Like a sex tape.
Bob: Uhh.
Tanner: ugh.
Linda: It's the best free advertising we ever had.
Bob: I know. It's almost sad.
Linda: For who?
Bob: I don't know. The cow.
Tanner: Yeah, I mean the cow has to stand out there while people are just looking at her. I know that's normal in some cases but she's seeming out of her element.
Linda: The cow's going out in a blaze of glory, you two. Everybody wins!
Bob: I guess you're right.
Tanner: (shrugs)
Bob: I mean, looks kind of sweet out there -- enjoying the day, meeting people.
Linda: Hi, cow. I'm gonna eat you.
(Moolisa turns her head to look at them)
Bob: Whoa. Can it hear us?
(Linda munching)
Bob: Easy.
Linda: Like sands through the hourglass, there goes my teeth right into your back.
Bob: That's my wife.
Tanner: uh. .-. . huh.
Linda: Ah, Bobby, I'm friggin' starvin'.
(Outside)
Woman w/ big blue hat: Who could eat that beautiful creature? Shame on you!
Randy: Are you going to be eating a burger today?
Woman w/ big blue hat: We wouldn't dream of eating an animal. We run a petting zoo by the interstate. It's called mother goose's discount petting zoo.
Man w/ green hat: "Petting horses, goats, and sheep. Precious memories on the cheap."
Woman w/ big blue hat: It's basically an animal sanctuary... That we make money off of.
Man w/ green hat: Exactly.
Randy: (chuckles)
COUNTDOWN: 03 DAYS | 02 HOURS | 27 MINUTES | -10 SECONDS
(Evening)
Bob: Oh. Hey, Randy, thanks for the business.
Randy: (sarcastic) Oh, hey, Bob, you're welcome.
Bob: Well, I'm gonna go to bed soon. What are you gonna do?
Randy: Oh, I'll probably go to bed, too, 'cause I'm a person.
Bob: Bye.
(Later that night)
(Bob's Dreamscape)
Bob is at the grill
(sizzling)
He then looks outside to see the grim reaper appear and about to slash Moolisa.
Bob: M-Moolissa, watch out!
SLASH
The reaper removed his hood, and we see . . . Bob!
Bob: No!
Judge: Bring in the accused.
(Crowd clamoring)
Bob: Yeah, yeah. Louise, you're defending me?
Louise winks at him to reassure him.
(Gavel bangs)
Prosecutor Randy: This so-called "Man" stands accused Of murder nearly 100,000 hamburgers worth of cows. I call to the stand Moolissa.
We see deceased Moolisa's head surrounded by other meats.
(Crowd murmuring)
Louise: Objection! That cow's faking his injuries! And I can prove it. Think fast.
Throws a water glass at it
Judge: Overruled.
Prosecutor Randy: Moolissa, is the man who killed you in the courtroom today?
.
.
.
Bob: It's me! It's me. I just make hamburgers. I never wanted to be a cow killer. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
(Reality)
Bob: (Gasps)
Bob wakes up holding Linda by the sides
Linda: (Snore)
Bob: Whoa. Heavy sleeper.
Linda: Wha--what happened? What's the matter? What's the matter?
Bob: Go back to bed.
Linda: (sighs)
Bob: I'm sorry. Go back to bed.
Bob goes into the living room.
(thunder crashes)
He sees Moolisa standing out in a storm.
(Moolissa mooing)
Bob then goes downstairs to the vacant building to get Randy, who is staying inside.
Bob: Hey! Randy! Your cow's gonna freeze to death out here! Randy!
He then turns to Moolisa who looks at him with a sad look.
Bob: Shh. Easy. Easy. Back up. Back up. Back up.
Linda wakes up to see what Bob was doing.
Linda: (gasps) Oh, my god.
Bob: Heh. I know.
Tanner: Huh? What happened?
Linda: It's a cow!
Tanner: What the?
Bob: You know what? You won't even know it's here.
Moolisa then pees.
Bob: . . . Uh, that was like that already. Definitely clean that.
Tanner: Oh God.
Bob: Oop. Uh, Tanner. Step back.
Gene: This is the best dream I've ever had! Everybody pee on the floor! Who's with me?!
Tanner: Ugh! Gene!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(The Next Morning)
Bob: Ok, eat while it's hot.
Louise: Well, well, well. Look who's too good for cereal now.
Gene: He's trying to impress the cow.
Bob: Don't be ridiculous.
Louise: Someone knows how to treat A lady-slash- male steer.
Linda: Bob, I am not comfortable with this situation.
Bob: Lin, what was I supposed to do? I had that crazy dream. It was raining.
Linda: Well, I had a crazy dream That there wouldn't be a cow's a-s-s In my face when I'm eating my breakfast.
Louise: I know what that spells.
Tina: Ass.
Louise: Ass. Mom. Heh.
Ass!
Linda: Stop it. Say good-bye, everybody. It's going out on the street, where it belongs.
Bob: Of course, ok? Of course. Right after breakfast.
Tina: Cows can't go down stairs.
DUN-DUN.
Linda: What?
Bob: What's that?
Tina: Cows can't go downstairs.That's, like, a thing.
Gene: I've heard that. It's like a fun fact. DUN-DUN.
Tanner: Oh, crap.
Linda: Bobby...
Bob: Hmm.
Linda: Cows can't go downstairs? That better not be true.
(Bob grunting)
Tanner: Come on, buddy. (grunt)
Bob: Huh. What do you know?
Louise: We know you'll push on a cow's butt for half an hour without asking for help. Gotta have that butt all to yourself.
Tanner: Oh, jeez
Randy: Hey, Bob!
Randy: (Outside) What's the deal, man? What'd you do to Moolissa?
Linda: It's up here! Come get it out!
Bob: Linda. Uh, it's not up here, Randy. My wife's crazy. Shh. (whispering) If he knows I brought the cow in, He'll think he won.
Linda: (whispering) So what if he won? Get the cow out of the house now.
Bob: (whispering) Stop.
Linda: (whispering) You get it out of the house.
Tanner: Uh, guys-
Bob: (whispering) I'm trying to-- come get--
(Moolisa walks toward the window and sticks it's head out)
Bob: (Normal Voice) Oh. Uh, this cow. This cow, yeah, is here.
Randy: Ahaaaa!
Louise: Dad, I ran that bubble bath for you and Moolissa like you wanted.
Gene: Bubbles!
Bob: I'm not taking a bath with Moolissa, Randy.
Tanner: Let me handle this, Mr. B.
Ahem.
WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THE REASON WE HAVE THE COW IN HERE WAS BECAUSE IT RAINED HEAVILY LAST NIGHT AND BOB DID THE MORE DECENT OPTION TO LET MOOLISA IN HERE SO SHE DIDN'T FREEZE! YOU JUST KEEP COMING AROUND WITH YOUR FANCY NEWS-CREW! Sorry I know you people work hard but you're working with a whack. AND YOU COME HERE STALKING US WHEN ALL WERE TRYING TO DO IS RUN A DAMN BUSINESS!
(Breathe-in. Breathe-out. Breathe-in. Breathe-out.)
The Belchers: . . . Woah
Randy: 2 days left! 2 days to decide to send that cow to slaughter Or admit you're a hypocrite and a murderer!
Tanner: Grrrrrr.
Teddy: Wow. What a movie. Bob, what a movie.
Bob: It's not my movie, teddy.
Teddy: What, are they just followin' you around with a camera?
Tanner: More like harassmen-
Teddy: You're in it, you're the star, But it's not your movie. Heh. Good luck, guys.
Randy: Will you sign a release?
Teddy: Sure. Do you want my John K Hancock?
Randy: Yeah.
Teddy: Anywhere?
Randy: No. O-on the line here.
Teddy: Better get used to this, huh? Gonna be in the movies. I--
Randy: (overlapping) Just on the line.
Teddy: (overlapping) Just on the line. Right-- so anywhere?
Randy: Yeah. No! No! Where it says signature!
Teddy: Ok, what's your name? Do you want it to you?
Randy: No, I--
Bob: Teddy, what are you doing?!
Teddy: I'm signing here an autograph, Bob.
(Later on, into the night)
Bob: (sighs) One big happy family. Isn't this nice, all of us here together?
Linda: No.
Tanner: All I know is that I'm fed up with Randy.
Louise: Heh-he yeah. You really snapped at him earlier.
Tanner: (sighs) Sorry you guys had to see me like that. I'm always a calm person. It's just the fact he keeps reminding us of, and is always over here trying to, what feels like, him intentionally trying to ruin us. I've dealt with people who were like Randy and it's not exactly pleasant memories.
The others looked at him with sympathetic looks.
Linda: (Pats his hair) Well, we won't pressure you, hun.
Bob: Yeah, Tanner. I actually would've liked to have yelled at him like that.
Tina: Are you gonna give me a poop tonight? Talk to me.
Linda: Mmm. Bob, huh?
Bob: Well, it's nice. They like each other. It's good for Tina.
Tina: Come on. Just relax and--pbbbt! It's all about the communication Pbbbt.
Tanner: (chuckles) Oh, Tina.
Later that night, while Tanner is sleeping on the couch, Louise continues to prank Tina with using the frosting bag.
Louise: Uh-oh.
Tina: Hi, Moolissa. (gasps)
Frowny face?
All I've been is super nice to you, and this is the thanks I get? I loved you. I loved you like a horse, which is my favorite animal.
You know what?
Let's just stop before we both say something we'll regret, like that horses are better than cows. I regret that. But it's true.
(In the morning)
Bob: Where's the cow?
Gene: I believe you mean, "Where's the steer? "
Louise: Yeah. Don't forget about that penis.
Tina: Yeah.
Tanner: I don't know, Mr. B. I haven't seen Moolisa since last night; however, I did hear a big thump.
Bob: Crap. Moolissa?
Moolissa?
Linda: Ha! Cows can go downstairs. All you need is 4 wool socks, A mattress, and the will to make it happen.
Bob: You didn't.
Tanner: So THAT'S what I heard. I thought it was just my dream where tiny giants were chasing me.
Bob: . . . Huh.
Linda: Your girlfriend is tied up outside.
(They went outside, only to find a lead and no steer in sight,)
Linda: Uh-oh.
Bob: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Tina: (Overlapping) What's wrong with dad?
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Gene: (Overlapping) I think he hates leashes.
OOOoooooooo.....!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the vacant shop next to Bob's Burgers:
Bob: It's not my fault, Randy. She was stolen. I mean, it's no one's fault.
Except for Linda's.
Linda: I did what I had to do to protect my family and my carpet.
Bob: Yeah, whatever. So, who do we know That would steal a cow in a blonde wig?
Linda: Maybe some perverts. Heh heh.
Tina: We had a fight last night, me and Moolissa. I just wish I had a chance to make things right again.
Louise: You wouldn't if you heard some of the things she was pooping about you.
Gene: Hey, guys! Take a look at this!
(fast-forwarding footage)
Man w/ green hat: ...On the cheap.
(fast-forwarding footage)
Man w/ green hat: You fellas just leave her tied up Here at night all alone?
Randy: Oh, yeah, yeah. She doesn't mind.
Woman w/ big blue hat: We could just back a trailer right up here, honey, huh?
Man w/ green hat: We sure could, get ourselves a cow.
Woman w/ big blue hat: Yeah. Get ourselves a cow.
Man w/ green hat: Yeah. Get ourselves a c--
(Both laughing crazily)
Tanner: (sarcastically) That's not suspicious.
(Later at the Mother Goose's Discount Petting Zoo we see a poorly made petting zoo where some are not even good.)
Randy: What. A. Dump.
Tanner: For the first time, I don't disagree with you
Bob: Yikes. Hey, there she is. Oh, dear Gd.
Linda: (gasps) Oh, the cow that jumped over the moon. See, that's nice.
Bob: 😒 Come on. Let's go get her.
Randy: We should come back after dark.
Bob: Why?
Randy: It's more dramatic.
Bob: That is stupid.
Randy: No. No, no, no. I can see it now, the big rescue. We'll shoot the whole thing in infrared.
Bob: Oh, Randy, com-- in infrared?
-That Night-
Linda: This is nuts. The kids should be in bed, Bob.
Bob: It's infrared, lin. Show her.
Linda: Oooohhh.
Bob: Yeah.
Gene: Coo! Coo!
Bob: Why are you doing that?
Gene: I'm signaling.
Randy: Everybody, serpentine.
Gene: Yes! We're a unit.
Louise: Dad, you should know If anything happens, I am in full attack mode right now.
Gene: Me, too. I'm hungry for blood. And also candy.
Tanner: And I did martial arts for 6 years.
Bob: Uh, thanks, kids.
. . . Damn it. I missed the signal to stand up. Sorry, everybody.
Gene: You let down the unit.
Bob: I said I'm sorry.
Randy: Bob, we're here. What do we do now?
Bob: We, uh, uh, open the gate.
CREAK
Bob: That was easy.
Woman w/ big blue hat: What do you think you're doing?
Louise: Gene, attack!
Louise/Gene: AAAHHHH!!!
Woman w/ big blue hat: Ow! Your children are biting my legs!
Tanner: Maybe don't steal animals!
Bob: Randy, get Moolissa. Let's move!
Gene: (Gnawing)
Back at Bob's Burgers
Randy: High-five, Bob.
Bob: We did it. High-five, Randy. Nice job.
I mean, we couldn't have done it without the kids biting that woman.
Gene: She tasted like sawdust and goats.
(At that time, the Countdown timer concludes)
BEEP
Gene: Uh-oh.
Randy: Bob, the cow-ntdown's over. It's time to decide Moolissa's fate.
Bob: Seriously? Right now? We just rescued her.
Randy: She's due at the slaughterhouse, Bob. What's it gonna be?
Louise: Murderer!
Bob: Louise, shush!
Louise: (Dramatic gasp)
Bob: Randy, can you stop making your stupid movie for one-minute and just be a human being?
Randy: I don't know, Bob. Can you stop making your stupid burgers for one minute and be a human being?
Tanner: That's not even an original comeback, you soulless phony.
(Moolisa starts walking into the street)
Bob: So now you're gonna guilt-trip me?
Randy: That's what the whole movie is about.
Bob: I thought we were friends now, Randy, 'cause we saved the cow together!
Tanner: Uh, guys?!
Randy: Maybe activists- slash-documentarians Can't have friends, no matter how many cows they save!
Bob: Well, that's just sad, Randy!
Randy: I know!
Tanner: GUYS!!
Bob and Randy look up to see a van about to hit Moolisa.
(Tires skid)
The van stops in time.
Bob: Oh my God. That was close. I don't know what I would do if anything Happened to Moo--
THUD
Bob: Ahh.
The driver turned out to be the animal man from before.
Animal man: I didn't h*t her! I didn't h*t her! I--I stopped! She's probably fine. She's dead. She must have had a cow heart attack.
Bob: No.
Animal man: You know what? Let me get something out of my van real quick. Be right back.
.
.
.
(starts engine and fled)
Tanner: YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB!!!
Tina: Moolissa! Oh, my god, no. Don't you die on me. Don't you die. Say something! Louise, look.
It's a heart! A heart-shaped poop.
Louise: What the hell? I didn't do that.
Tina: I'm keeping it.
Randy: (choked up) Bob, are you alright? You look a little pale.
THUD
(We zoom out up to the Heavens to see Bob with Moolisa . . . who can talk)
Bob: Are we d*ad?
Moolisa: I'm dead, Bob. You just fainted.
Bob: I fainted? Wow. That's embarrassing.
Moolisa: Ok.
Bob: I'm--I'm not a fainter.
Moolisa: Yeah. I'm--I'm dead.
Bob: Right. Yeah.
Moolisa: But listen. There's something I want you to do for me. Make burgers out of me.
Bob: What?! No. No way.
Moolisa: Yes way, Bob.
Bob: Look, ever since I met you, making burgers makes me feel like a horrible person.
Moolisa: Bob, I'm a castrated steer.
Bob: Yeah, I'm a married man.
Both laugh
Bob: Yeah, I'm kid-- Same thing, right?
Moolisa: Yeah. Think about it, though. I'm a cow, you know? We're not wild stallions or humpback whales, But we wanna feel special, too. I do, anyway. You turn me into something amazing.
Bob: Wait. Isn't this my subconscious Telling me what I want to hear?
Moolisa: Hey, no.
You know what? Yes, it is, actually.
Bob: Well, it's working. Keep talking.
Moolisa: Kiss me.
Bob: No. I can't do that.
Moolisa: You can, and you want to.
Bob: (sighs) Okay. One quick one because I owe you.
. . Uh, maybe not.
Maybe I--we shouldn't.
Moolisa: Oh, we should, absolutely.
Bob: Oh, my God. What am I doing?
Moolisa: What are you doing?
Bob: I'm about to kiss a cow.
Moolisa: Yeah.
SMOOCH
(Harp strings)
Unconscious Bob: (Moaning)
Linda: Bobby, are you okay?!
Gene: What's dad doing with his mouth?
Tina: Looks like he's kissing.
Gene: Uuugh!
Linda: Well, this is awkward.
Gene: Somebody put a blanket over it.
Unconscious Bob: Tastes so good.
Linda: Ok. All right. Kids inside! Now!
Tina: Ohh.
The next day, there's a special tribute to Moolisa and to celebrate the 100,000th burger.
(slow electronic beat playing)
Bob: Before Moolissa, I used to say it's just beef. I couldn't have been more wrong.
🎶BARK BARK🎶
Bob: Cows are living creatures with beautiful hair and soft brown eyes, soft mouths...
Louise: Whoo!
Bob: And also, they are beef. They're the full package.
🎶MOO🎶
Bob: Does that make me a hypocrite to say that?
Randy: Yes.
Bob: No, it doesn't, Randy! . . . Or if it does, I can live with that.
I present our 100,000th burger!
👏👏Applause 👏👏
Linda: 100,000th burger! All right!
Bob: Right. Undo the banner.
Linda: Bob's burger, 100,000! All right!
Teddy: Hooray!
Bob: Do the banner.
Linda: Here's the banner! Here comes the banner!
Bob: I humbly call this the rest in peas burger.
(Linda laughs)
Bob: Heh. Because it, uh, comes with snap peas and carrots.
Thank you.
Gene: All right, funeral people, It's time to party!
(Upbeat Electronic Music)
THE END!!