"So, you're not coming to town any time soon then?"
"No, not right now..." Niall's voice floated through the phone, a hint of somberness to it.
"Are you sure you're okay, Niall?" I asked, staring at Harry who was lacing his tie together softly, his brows furrowed as he watched me.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Really. The whole thing with Rina just kind of–" Niall inhaled sharply through the phone, a rustling sound coming from the other side of the phone, "Honestly, it just kind of brought back some unpleasant memories. I just need a break, but I'll be back soon."
"I figured," I sighed, brushing my hair out of my face, "But, I understand. Just text me or Harry, let us know when you're coming back down."
"Will do." Niall chirped lightly.
I clicked the phone, throwing the bed on the phone with a sigh. We hadn't seen Niall since the night that night we went out with Rina. It was odd, Niall just dipped after that and didn't really tell anyone until we reached out days later. We knew he needed a break, but it was jarring.
"He still in London?" Harry mumbled, fixing his hair in the mirror softly, pursing his lips in attentive focus.
"Yeah, he said he would let us know when he's coming back, though," I shrugged one shoulder, leaning down to put my heels on, still looking up at Harry as my fingers worked the buckles, "I feel bad for him."
Harry rubbed one of his eyes with his knuckles, turning towards me as he leaned against the dresser.
"I do too, I hope he's alright. I know his anxiety can get the best of him sometimes," He walked towards me, grabbing my black overcoat that was pleaded. When I stood to my feet, adjusting my feet into my heels, Harry walked behind me and placed the coat over my shoulders, "Are you ready to leave?"
"Yeah, I think they're already there," We were majorly late for a double date dinner with Pete and Gracie. I fucking hated being late, "We should head out."
"I didn't mean to take that long, sorry, baby. I really didn't think that Ajax was going to keep me as long as he did." Harry said as he grabbed the keys, swinging them around his fingers as we walked towards the front door.
"I just don't understand why he can't keep Pete behind instead," I mumbled to myself with my hands up in defeat, but still shook my head and brushing it off before Harry could argue, "Doesn't matter. I'm hungry."
I would say that I could take credit for the double date, but it was Gracie's idea. She was missing the old days when we all hung out together, which I didn't blame her. I missed it too. Given, Pete and Niall were staying at Harry's apartment half the time and I was right across the hall consoling not only myself, but Gracie who just lost life long friends. It was a hard time for all of us, but we were a group that was strong enough to rise above because of the support we had.
Since Harry had brought up moving, I often wondered what life would be like if I left Madrid. He brought it up not once, but twice now, so of course the thought was lingering in my head. I loved my city, even with all the bad trauma attached to it, but thinking about leaving everyone behind made me sad. Not that I really ever caught up with the people I was close with.
I hadn't seen my dad since mom's funeral. I missed him. Sometimes he would text me to let me know he was staying more frequently with the grandparents. I felt guilt that I wasn't around like I should've been. I mean, fuck, I'm his kid. His wife–my mom, died. Regardless of how it happened, it still did, and he would never know how it happened.
I should be there for my dad, but I'm not. It's hard to be there for everyone that is grieving whenever I'm trying to put my life back together, build it, and keep it built. I desperately hoped that he knew that. Of course, I would text him back, but for the most part I would always end up pretending to miss his calls in fear that his voice would make me crumble and fragile all over again.
As for leaving Gracie, I could never. She's been there with me through everything and I couldn't ever leave her. I was never one to make new friends, I was almost twenty-two years old and making friends as an adult is nearly impossible, I couldn't imagine that moving to a whole other city would make things any easier, even if Harry was by my side to support me. I couldn't leave my best friend, that I knew. Wherever I go, she goes with me.
Vice versa.
"Can I ask you something?" Harry asked, drifting me from my thoughts.
I blinked. We were in the car, he was graciously driving with one rare cigarette between his fingers, always meaning that he was nervous, and his eyes switching between the road and me.
"Hm?" I rolled my head on the headrest to look at him with a soft smile.
"What are you doing for Valentine day?" Harry glanced nervously out of the corner of his eye, taking a long draw from his cigarette before blowing it from his nose.
"Well, I don't know," I shrugged one shoulder, "There's this guy I really like, I'm hoping that me and him will do something fun."
"A guy, you say?" Harry chuckled lowly, a wavering smile on his lips as he looked to me for a mere moment, "Is he handsome?"
"Mhmm, very handsome. Very kind. I was waiting for him to ask me to do something with him." I teased as my leg crossed over the other, soothing my dress down before placing a hand on Harry's knee carefully. Just to touch him. Just for thought. Just because I really loved him and wanted to be close to him.
"Well," He took another draw before tossing the cigarette out the window, my eyebrows scrunching at the littering. I opened my mouth to comment on it, but Harry cut me off, "Will you be my Valentines?"
I placed my hand to my chest in faux shock, my jaw dropped as I laughed out breathlessly.
"Me? Oh, goodness, I don't know. I think I'm busy that day–" When I turned my head to Harry's, he had a slight frown on his lips, playful of course. I couldn't help but laugh, nodding my head to him in reassurance, "Of course. I want to."
"Perfect. Don't plan anything. I have something big for us," Harry shifted in his seat, now more relaxed at the confirmation, even if we were already dating and as if we didn't just talk about our future together a couple days ago.
"Oooh, you know I love surprises, but sometimes I really hate them," I leaned over softly, squeezing his knee softly, "So you should just tell me or I might have a panic attack."
"Are you using your anxiety to get me to ruin the surprise?" Harry snorted softly, giving me a dumbfounded look.
"Maybe." I whispered with a chuckle.
"No," Harry shook his head, "It's not gonna happen. Sorry, darling."
"Not even a hint?"
"Not even a hint."
I huffed softly while Harry parked the car, taking the seatbelt off of myself almost so dramatically while cutting him a hurt look.
"I'm gonna figure it out, you know. I'm a great guesser." I told him as we exited the car, fixing the jacket around my arms as I rounded the car to stand next to him.
"You can try and guess, but you're not gonna get it." Harry wrapped his arm around my waist as he ushered us down the road. We were walking to the restaurant where Gracie and Pete were waiting for us.
"A picnic."
"No."
"Italy."
"We already went there."
"Okay..." I hummed out, pinching my brows as I let my arms fling back and forth, rocking my head side to side in thought, "A cabin in the woods?"
"There's cabins in Madrid?" Harry mumbled with a sarcastic tone, putting his finger to his chin in thought.
"Just tell me!" I whined out, stopping in front of the door as Harry patted my back softly.
"No," He leaned down, cupping under my jaw with two knuckles, placing a feathery kiss onto my lips, "But those were good guesses, baby. You did a great job."
I sighed.
Cocky fucker.
Harry took my hand into his, leading us into the restaurant and stopping us at the podium where the host was standing. It was quite busy to be a Wednesday, but I could only guess it was the after church rush. A lot of people in the city liked to go out after church. Me and my family used to do it a lot too, so I was very familiar with the routine.
"Our friends are waiting for us," Harry nodded at the host as he gestured towards the back.
"Go ahead!" The host smiled, waving us through.
I stayed close to Harry as he walked us towards the back. We had gone to this place to eat before, we always chose the same place to sit each time too. It was in the back, in a small room where nobody ever really sits. It was pleasant and near the back door so we didn't have to waddle ourselves out to the front door whenever we were stuffed after dinner.
We rounded the corner, seeing Gracie and Pete sitting together on one side of the booth. Gracie really dressed up tonight, it was something she hardly ever did, but fucking hell I could tell that Pete definitely bought her that dress. It was red, sparkly, she was wearing red lipstick to match with a smoked out look on her eyes.
Meanwhile, I just wore a dark green dress that hung low in the front, enough to see that I had some cleavage, but enough to leave room for imagination. My arm slipped from Harry's as I rushed towards the table with a wide smile, lifting my hands into the air.
"Gracie!" I whisper shouted excitedly.
Gracie whipped her head to the sound of her name, a wide smile on her lips as she stood to her feet and pulled me into a big hug.
"Oh my god, you look fucking gorgeous, what is this?" I pulled from the hug, still closed to her as I pulled on the straps of her dress.
"Valentino," She whispered to me with a blush creeping on her cheeks, "Pete got it for me. He told me to wait until Valentines day, but I needed to wear this tonight. It's so fucking beautiful!"
"I could've guessed," I laughed softly, sighing happy, "Harry just mentioned Valentines to me too, but he didn't tell me exactly what we were going to be doing."
"Mysterious, okay," Gracie nudged me softly, "I like that. Pete said that he was going to take me to London for Valentines. I'm so excited, I've always wanted to go to London."
"London is..." I thought about my only time being there, which wasn't the fucking best. The cow fields, the old bar that I was dragged into to meet Ajax for the first time, not to mention finding Veronica on top of Harry–which I have mentioned before, but I'm still not over that. "Um, it's London, you know? I think you two are gonna have so much fun though. I definitely would go again."
"Alright, the two of ya are taking up the walk way, sit down now." Pete snapped playfully, waving his hand to sit down.
"Sorry, you know how us girls are," Gracie flipped her hair with a soft laugh as she slid into the booth next to Pete, to which I slid in next to Harry who had already found his seat.
"It's nice seeing you too, Pete," I said in a sarcastically playful tone, picking up the menu as I looked over the drinks, "Ooh, Gracie, we should get a pitcher of Margs. What do you think?"
"Strawberry?"
"Always strawberry!" I said defensively.
After I started drinking alcohol, I desperately went through so many liquors trying to figure out which ones tasted good and which ones didn't sit right on my stomach. Whisky was okay, Vodka was a big no. Tequila was alright. There had been one night after Christmas last year where me and Gracie went out and she introduced me to the land of Margaritas.
Two of those got me drunk.
They were not light on the liquor in these, really, but since I'm on medication, I haven't really tried to drink hard liquor. The only thing I had really drank was wine and I'm still alive, so I was playing Russian roulette with how this was going to interact with my medication, but I was leaving it up to the big guy in the sky.
"How've you been, Anna? Not gonna lie, kind of missed having you around. I'm glad to see you." Pete said as he placed his menu down, elbows on the table softly.
"Aw, Pete, I missed you too," I pouted softly, "Things have been bumpy, not gonna lie, but I think things are looking up."
I really didn't want to get into everything at dinner. Not seeing someone for so long and sitting down with them just to trauma dump on them was not the plan for tonight. I wanted tonight to go smoothe, talk about what everyone had been doing and it would be just like the old days. Minus Harry drinking.
"I'm glad things are going good, Gracie told me you're going to therapy, that's really great," Pete gestured with a genuine smile. It made me warm on the inside.
"My therapist is really good, yeah," I shrugged one shoulder, trying to brush it off, "How's work going for you? I heard that you guys are opening a new Cafe. Niall told me a little bit ago, you should tell me when it opens. It would be nice to support the locals."
"The cafe should be open in the next month or so," Pete said, looking at Gracie as he wrapped his arm around her, "She's gonna help manage the store too."
"What?" My jaw dropped in disbelief, a smile spread across my lips, "Stop, are you serious? That's so big, why didn't you tell me?"
"I was going to tell you!" She put her hands in the air in defense, "I was waiting till tonight to tell you! Ajax offered me the position and it pays pretty well."
"If it's coming from Ajax, I don't doubt it. That guy has too much money, I bet he wipes his ass with hundreds," I mumbled softly, feeling Harry's glare from beside me. My mouth dropped, a look of defense wiped across my face, "What? I'm just saying!"
"That's my boss you're talking about," Harry's lips cracked a smile as he shook his head, "And you should thank him. Him giving me that position paid for your car."
"Well, he can get a thank you if he ever came around," I rolled my eyes playfully, "Where is he at half the time anyways? He never comes to the house, it's like he doesn't exist."
Pete glared at Harry, taking a sip from his water as his shoulders rolled back. Tense. My eyes narrowed softly, as I glanced between the two in their unspoken truth.
"Well, he's a busy man." Pete said simply.
When I opened my mouth to speak, possibly retort in a smart ass way, the waitress popped by our table to take our order. I sunk down into my chair, keeping my arms crossed over my chest as my eyes slowly fluttered.
There was a weird feeling that Harry wasn't telling me everything. Oddly enough, I guess, our communication skills had gotten much better. The saying 'some things are better left unsaid' rang through my mind repeatedly, and I thought to myself if it was worth bringing it up. As much as living in ignorance suited me, I didn't like people keeping things from me, no matter how bad it may be.
If it's even that bad.
"And for you?"
My head snapped upwards to the waitress that had a toothy smile greeting me. It was the first thing I noticed of her. Sometimes I wished that teeth weren't the first thing I looked at, but teeth could tell you a lot about a person in some ways. My eyes pinched, grabbing the menu as I studied it for mere moments before handing it back to her.
"Just surprise me." I offered a smile.
I was feeling adventurous, which was a dangerous feeling. I only felt adventurous whenever I was annoyed or highly irritated.
"Ooh, I know exactly what to get you!" She chirped excitedly before flocking away from the table.
"So, anyways–" Pete leaned his elbow on the table with a hand gesture towards me, but I was already standing to my feet and grabbing my bag, fixing my eyes on Gracie who was sipping down her drink.
"I want some fresh air." I said to her and only her.
Gracie didn't need much to know that it was a call to follow me. She nodded, excusing herself from the table as she stood to her feet. I grabbed her hand and led her to the empty room that was next to the booth, it was near the back exit, which was great because I didn't want to do the angry stomp out of the restaurant and embarrass myself.
My elbows hit the door and pushed it open, the cold breeze brushing past my skin as I took a deep breath. Gracie stood behind me with a confused smile, she didn't know if she should smile or frown. To be honest, I didn't know if should've either. It was a confusing feeling. So I understood the confused smile.
"Got a cigarette?" I turned on my heel with a twitched smile.
"A cigarette?"
"Yes."
Gracie stared at me. She never really smoked, it wasn't her, but I knew that she had been sneaking smokes since she got with Pete. I wanted to pin him against the wall and yell at him for making her start such a bad habit, but I wasn't going to hold it over her head. Not at that moment. I wanted a smoke too.
"Okay." She breathed.
It was no use to lie to me. If I knew she didn't have one, I wouldn't have asked. She dug into her small black, somehow chic, purse and pulled out the smoke and the lighter. My shaky hand grabbed it, placing it between my lips and letting the flame burn the chemical bathed tobacco that would cause my lungs to shiver up and gasp for air.
I inhaled harshly, fighting back the choking feeling in my throat. Smoking fucking sucked. I rarely did it, but this was better than the cigarette that Niall gave me the first night I had met him. As I stared off into the alleyway behind the building, I thought about how so much had changed. Gracie was smoking now, she had a hitman for a boyfriend and I would've never seen that coming.
But I couldn't bicker or complain because I, too, fell in love with someone that was dangerous. I chuckled to myself. It was funny, young me would've never thought to be in this situation, but I was. I ashed the cigarette, letting the flakes fall to the ground before taking another long inhale until I felt my head fall dizzy and my stress levels somehow fade away.
"What's funny?"
"Nothing." I shrugged one shoulder, smoke bellowing out of my nose as I spoke.
"Did you just want to smoke? Is that the reason you brought me out here?" Gracie rounded to stand in front of me, to which I leaned back and placed my cold back against the brick building.
"No I just..." My head tilted back, I desperately wanted to swallow the words, but they were moving in motions in my stomach. I felt sick with each P and Q that prodded my stomach. "I don't know. I'm just–"
"You know you can tell me anything, Anna."
At this point, Gracie lit her own cigarette. I was just hoping that Harry didn't walk out to see the burning stick between my own fingers. I sighed.
That wouldn't really go over easy.
"Right, well," I took another hit before putting the cigarette out on the brick wall and tossing it into the trash a few feet from me, "To be honest? Something is up with Harry. I overheard Ajax yelling at him a few days ago and ever since I just really haven't felt...right?"
"Woah, what was Ajax yelling at him about?" Gracie's face stretched in shock, yet pure curiosity.
"I don't know. It was over the phone, all I could hear was Harry getting really defensive about not coming to work and taking care of some business," I stared up into the sky, hoping to see stars, but instead was met with clouds. It was overcast. "Am I paranoid by saying it has something to do with the church?"
Time stopped for a moment. My blood ran cold. It was the first time that I had said it out loud. Even when I looked at Gracie, her movements stopped like she was some statue. For a moment, I thought about snapping my fingers in front of her to see if she would blink or if our timeline glitched.
"What makes you say that?" Her voice fell into a whisper.
It was almost like this was a forbidden topic. If we spoke too loud, a van would drive through and take us away. I didn't want to think about where it would take us.
"I don't know," I whispered back. I still didn't know why we were whispering, "He hasn't even given me a reason to believe that it would be that. It's just that–they've been so vague. Doesn't that ever make you curious about what they are doing?"
"Listen, I'm not a doctor," She sighed, putting out the cigarette and throwing it into the bin, "But it's not a secret that you have PTSD. I mean, fuck, Anna. If anyone went through what you went through, they would have it too," She stopped herself, running a hand through her thick hair before looking towards the door. It caused me to look through the door too. I could see our table. I could see Harry talking to Pete.
"I'm not saying that you're crazy because you're not," She said, "You have every right to think that way, but don't you think that if Harry was doing something with the church that he would have told you?"
Her words only made me stare much harder at Harry, but my face remained relaxed. His hands waved around equal to his chest as he talked with that lopsided smile on his lips. When he was finished, he leaned into his seat and placed his hands together, one of them were twirling his rings around his fingers before a sudden burst of laughter left him, his shoulders scrunching forward with his bunny teeth showing.
I trusted him.
I had no reason not to.
But I still shrugged.
"I don't know, that's the thing," I placed my knuckle to the corner of my eye, careful not to mess my makeup up, "I do trust him, but what if he's protecting me?"
Suddenly hands were taking mine and my head turned to Gracie who was staring up at me.
"Then let him protect you," Her hands squeezed mine, "Babe, you have been through so fucking much. Don't you think that you should take this time to focus on yourself and not what Harry is doing at work? Even if he is doing something with them, it must be fucking working because they haven't touched you. You're here. You're safe..."
"Harry is a shield. He would do anything for you. That is the kind of love that has only blossomed in some fairy tale," She said, "So forget about it. Focus on the two of you. Don't you think that's better?"
My lips pursed to the side to fight back a smile.
"This is why I fucking love you," My arms wrapped around her, giving her a tight hug, "You make me feel so sane, even when I don't feel sane."
"Let's be honest, there is no such thing as sane in our group," Gracie said, "But we're a family. Even if the family is morbidly fucked up, but its ours. That's what counts."
And we really were. This was my family. Our family.
Sometimes I did feel like I was losing myself, though I didn't think it much of my fault, really. Grasping at reality was a lot harder than I thought it would be, but I was sincerely hoping that the medicine would help me have somewhat of a grasp on it. I knew it was unfair to pin everything on Harry, but Gracie was right, it was just my paranoia. Sometimes I needed reassurance that my irrational thoughts were, well, irrational. That even though it made sense in my mind, it didn't to others. I always had a good gut feeling about things, but lately I was questioning if it really was just my paranoia.
When we walked back into the building, I slid in next to the chatty Harry who was talking about God knows what, I had only caught the end of the conversation before his arm snaked around my waist and gave it a light squeeze.
"You okay, dove?" Harry turned towards me with his brows furrowed.
"Yeah, I just needed some fresh air. It's stuffy here."
The pitcher of margarita sat in the middle of the table, extending my hand out I grabbed the handle and poured myself a glass before taking a large gulp. I sighed, feeling the warmth radiate in my chest.
"Me and Harry were just talking about you wanting to go back to work," Pete spoke up with his hand clasped around his own drink, "There's a private school about thirty minutes from here that's looking for a new Art teacher."
"Oh?" I hummed, switching my eyes between him and Gracie, "I'm an English teacher, mainly. I'm no good with art, really."
"Doesn't matter," He waved his hand, pursing his lips, "It's mainly kids. It's not teenagers that have mastered their talents in the arts."
"Kids?" A smile broke out on my lips.
The last few applications I had put in to some schools, I never really got an answer back. I was a little paranoid that the old school had told them I quit without a two weeks. I even tried reaching out to them to explain the situation, but my boss wouldn't answer my phone. I was a little fucked on that one.
But, if Pete could score me a job as an art teacher, I would take it. I just wanted to start working again.
"Anna has missed her kids a lot," Harry added, his fingers feathering around my waist, "She can't seem to stop talking about it, really."
"Nothing wrong with that," Gracie added, "Her kids were her whole world at the old school."
"Of course," Harry nodded, trying not to break a smile as he shrugged one shoulder, "Kids have definitely been a recent topic of conversation, though."
Pete, who was taking a drink of his own, suddenly stopped when he put the pieces together. Gracie's jaw was ajar, with her hand shakily put over her mouth as she turned to Pete to match his shock.
"You're not–" Pete nearly dropped his glass on the table, but Harry was quick to interject.
"No, no," Harry laughed out with his shoulders following forward, "No. Nothing like that."
"It's just something we've been talking about, that's all." I added with a wide smile on my lips.
"Anna!" Gracie's glossy eyes were wide and teary, "That would be so–oh my god, why didn't you tell me?"
"Nothing is set in stone. Really, I think it's just a dream right now," I said softly, stirring around my drink as my eyes flickered around to the small group, "We don't want to move too fast. That's all."
For me, I didn't want to move too fast. I loved Harry, I was sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but I wanted to wait until I was mentally okay, and financially stable. I didn't want to be a stay at home mom, I wanted to work, I didn't want to rely on Harry for everything.
"Four months dating, I get that," Pete shrugged one shoulder, "But you two have been annoyingly in love long before you finally sealed the fucking deal."
Harry only blushed. He parted his lips to say something, but the waitress came by with our food and laid our hot plates on the table. To be surprised, the food she sat in front of me looked rather good. Maybe I should surprise myself more often.
"Never thought you to be a dad," Pete said again, "But I see it. If you two ever have kids, I think you'd be a great dad."
"He'd definitely kill anyone for that kid." Gracie added.
"Oh, for sure." Pete nodded in agreement, "I feel bad for anyone who tried to hurt that kid."
"Please," I waved one hand, "If we have a kid, we wouldn't have any weapons in the house. I'd definitely want them to have a normal life."
"No weapons?" Harry turned to me once again, stopping his chewing with his fork in his hand, "Babe, I love you, but let's not make rash decisions. We'd definitely have to have weapons in the house."
I blinked, tilting my head slowly to stare at him. I tried not to get annoyed because obviously this was something that could be compromised.
"Umm..." I half laughed, awkwardly. Were we about to have this conversation in front of our friends? I was almost scared to say anything, but I couldn't just nod and let this go. "No, we won't need those. What happens if, God forbid, the baby finds it? We shouldn't have those kinds of things in the house."
"I understand," Harry nodded, suddenly his arm that was snaked around my waist was now in his lap, "But it would be in the safe. With my job I have, I need at least one."
The tension in the air was rising, Gracie and Pete could feel it. Their faces were mimicking the uncomfortable feeling that they had. I cleared my throat, sitting up as I took a long sip from my drink and shook my head.
"I don't want a kid any time soon, Harry," I half laughed again, "And I don't expect you to work with Ajax forever. If anything, this job is just a placeholder for now. When we get settled, I imagine that we can move away from that kind of life–no offense, Pete."
"None taken." Pete cleared his throat.
Harry's soft features were growing hard, like a rock, I could tell that we were teetering on an argument and when he opened his mouth to say something, Gracie was quick to interject.
"This food is really good." She said loudly, pointing down at her food with a nod of her head.
"Yeah, really good." Pete agreed softly.
"We can talk about this later." Harry whispered to only me, slowly turning his body back to face his food.
My shoulders fell. I always thought that me and Harry were on the same page when it came to what we wanted. Was it so wrong to beg for normal? Of course if we were to have a kid, I wanted it to be normal. Live a normal life with their normal parents in a normal house with normal jobs.
Was that really too much to ask for?
For as long as Harry had this job, I thought that it was temporary. I never really thought that he would stay with Ajax forever.
Was his priest days over with? I couldn't tell.
But, there were other jobs that he could find, if not being a priest again, where he could be just as happy. I knew that Harry was happy doing what he was doing now, but the dangers of the job could only hurt us. Especially if we ever found ourselves with a kid.
If he wasn't open to having a normal life with me, then maybe we weren't as good together as I thought we were.
"But, if you want the job, let me know," Pete said softly, "I could pull a few strings for you."
"That would be lovely," I smiled, "Thank you, Pete."
Dinner came and went. Our plates were empty and taken away from the table, I was sipping on my fourth cup of margs. Gracie only had two cups. There was a bit left, enough for a cup, but I thought she was scared to touch it in case I was craving a fifth. I waved my hand to her, giving her the go ahead. I was teetering over the edge of being drunk and I knew that if I drank enough, I'd only cry in front of everyone.
"This was really nice," I slurred softly, placing both hands on the table, "I missed you guys so much. Why don't you guys come over more often? I can cook."
"We missed you too, Anna," Gracie chuckled at my half drunken sappy words, "I wouldn't mind dinner, honestly. What do you think, babe? Next weekend?"
"We can't next weekend." Harry said with his glass of water covering the lower half of his face.
"And why not?" My head spun as I turned towards him.
"Valentines day?" Harry questioned softly, "Remember?"
"Oh." I huffed, though relieved it wasn't a reason to do with work.
"Well, maybe some other time," Pete added, "But we'd be more than happy to have some more dinner nights. I always see Harry's ugly face, it's nice to see yours every once and a while."
I cackled out loudly, to which Harry's face fell as if he was offended.
"Watch it, Morrison." Harry pointed at Pete.
"Right, Styles. Like you could ever hurt your favorite friend." Pete smirked with his nose in the air.
"Oof, don't tell Niall." Gracie chuckled.
"I do not claim favorites, thank you," Harry scrunched his nose, pulling out his wallet, "I'll be paying for dinner. It's the least I could do."
Just as Pete was going to interject, a loud crash came from the other room. Some sort of ruckus that made my stomach drop as my head turned to stare at the entryway into the main room.
"What was that?" I shook out softly.
"Someone probably dropped their plates or something." Gracie shrugged, sipping down the rest of her drink.
"Some people are rather clumsy, y'know?" Pete added.
As I opened my mouth to agree, I suddenly felt a body push against mine, rather roughly. Harry grabbed my waist in defense, pulling me towards him quick enough to give me whiplash. My drunken daze was making it hard to focus on the person who found a seat next to me, but Harry was sober, and the words that left him made my blurry vision focus on them.
"Rina?"
I blinked, rubbing my eye slowly before Rina's eyes locked with mine. She had a uneasy look on her face, but a quivering smile stretched across her lips.
"Long time no see," Rina rushed out, her leg was bouncing as her head stretched and bent as she looked around the room, "This is a nice place, isn't it? Have you already eaten?"
"Wha-..." I wasn't even sure what to say.
Why was she here? Did she follow us here?
"Let me pay for your dinner, the least I can do since y'know..." Rina cleared her throat, grabbing the bill and studying over it before slapping down crumpled up money onto the table, "We didn't really have good terms the last time we hung out."
"Why are you sweating?" Pete asked with furrowed brows, then looked at Harry, "Do you know this girl?"
"Yeah, she's Niall's friend," Harry almost mumbled, still having a tight squeeze on my sides, "Rina, you alright?"
"Me? Oh, of course. Just taking a nightly walk, you know?" Rina laughed weakly, her fingers were prodding at the beddings of them.
"Inside of a restaurant?" Gracie asked, almost confused.
I thought we were all confused. Of course Pete and Gracie didn't know Rina like we did, but me and Harry were winning the competition of who was the most confused. Her clothes looked tousled around, her breathing was uneven as if she had been running from someone. Even through the state I was in, my anxiety was thumping in my chest.
"I saw you guys through the window," She pointed towards one of the windows that was next to us, "I wanted to come in and say hi. Sorry if I ruined your dinner, um, I just–" Rina paused, her eyes softly widening before her body moved from the booth and stood to her feet, "I'm gonna get going now. It was nice seeing you two, though, and of course lovely to meet you both. Sorry I didn't catch your names, but maybe another time?" She said as she backed away from the booth and within moments she disappeared into thin air.
My body froze against Harry's with my mouth still hung open. What the fuck just happened? I turned to Harry with equal parts of fear and confusion, he could only find himself to kiss my forehead and pet my hair back before pushing my body softly out of the booth. When my feet hit the ground, I clung to the table for some stability.
"Pete," Harry nodded towards the way that Rina had gone.
"Right." Pete moved his body out of the booth when Gracie stood next to me, hands interlocked together.
Harry pulled out his keys, "Go wait in the car. The both of you. Lock the doors until we get back."
"What? Where are you going?" I shook out, almost reaching out to steady him where he stood.
"We are just going to check on her, that's all," Harry kissed my head again, "We'll be five minutes. Alright?"
I couldn't find anything to say, Gracie grabbed the keys from Harry and pulled me out to the backdoor that we used not too long ago. Feeling my feet drag underneath me was painful only knowing that I wasn't by Harry's side in case anything happened. The cold air hit me, but it felt warm, I wasn't cold, and the frozen liquor I drank earlier was wearing off.
"Here." Gracie handed me a lit cigarette, somehow I missed her lighting it, nonetheless pulling it out.
"Okay." I took it, but I didn't take any hits off of it. I just held it and stared at the door.
That was until I felt Gracie drag me away from the door and led me into the parking lot.
"Where did you guys park?"
"Um, over there." I finally took a drag from the smoke, but it burned more than the last time. I coughed it out, shaking my head as I gave it back to Gracie.
She took it and placed it between her lips. We walked to the car, I was rubbernecking around the parking lot, trying to find Harry and Pete in the mix of cars and people that were hanging outside of the restaurant.
"What the fuck just happened?" I finally spoke while Gracie unlocked the car.
"I don't know, I'm sure it's nothing serious." She said with a shake of her head.
"But what if it's serious?" I whispered, picking at my nails softly.
"What if it's not?" Gracie turned towards me with a frown, "Come on, get in the car. I'm sure it's fine."
"Did you not see what I saw? How weird that was?" I said in defense, irritation was bubbling up inside of me.
"Yeah, it was weird, but I don't know her. If you guys are friends, I'm sure that she really did just see you guys," She shrugged her shoulder, "I've done the same thing, but–"
"Gracie!" I interjected, grabbing her shoulders tightly, "Can you just be honest with me? Don't spare my feelings, you know that was weird!"
I get that she was making me feel better about Harry, but her acting so calm about Rina bursting in the way she did wasn't sitting right with me. It felt like she was sparing my feelings and the mixture of alcohol and adrenaline was just making my head spin. I needed someone to relate to me.
Her face fell, sighing out, "Okay, yeah, it was weird. I just don't want you to freak out, alright? We can sit in the car and wait for Harry and Pete."
"I'm not freaking out, okay? Rina is a..." Well, she certainly wasn't a close friend. "I know her, I guess I'm just a little worried, that's all."
"How did you two even meet?"
I sighed, climbing into the front seat while Gracie rounded the car and took the driver's seat. Closing the doors, I turned to her and held myself tight.
"We met her at this weird shooting range that Niall took me to. Then, y'know, we hung out at the track they raced at and..." I closed my eyes, feeling that same panicked feeling when Harry shot the cop. I shook my head, "That thing happened. I haven't talked to her since."
"I don't think it's weird that you guys haven't talked since," Gracie played with Harry's keys, fiddling with each charm on the lanyard, "You guys aren't close–also, you better not replace me with another girl."
I laughed out, "How could I ever replace you?"
A knock on the window shook both me and Gracie in our seats, quickly turning to look at the driver's window to see Harry standing there with a flustered look on his face. Gracie pulled the handle and pushed the door open.
"So?" Gracie asked.
"You scared me, ass!" I bit, my heart was pounding. When was it not?
"Sorry, darling," Harry frowned softly, leaning his arm against the top of the door, "We couldn't find her. We circled around the building and even checked the alleyway. She's gone."
"Maybe I can try calling her?" I mumbled, pulling my phone out of my jacket pocket and dialing the number she saved in my phone.
"Yeah, try that," Harry nodded, moving to the side, "Pete is waiting for you at the car. Do you want me to walk you?"
"No, that's alright, thanks though, Harry." Gracie climbed out of the seat, landing on her feet. It was impossible for short people to get in and out of this car that he had. It was too high.
"Are you sure? It would make me feel better if I walked you," Harry said, then turned his head to me, "Angel, do you mind if I leave you here for a moment?"
I was too focused on the trilling sound in my ear, I only nodded my head and waved my hand to him. Harry mumbled about being right back and closing the door. I didn't really notice that I was fully alone now in the car, but grabbed the keys and started the car while Rina's voicemail rang through my ears. I hung up the call and called once again.
Why was she not answering? I never really left the house without my phone, so I couldn't imagine that she left it somewhere. The phone trilled again, but this time immediately went to voicemail. I sighed, hanging up the phone and putting my phone into my lap. I turned my body to say something, realizing that Gracie and Harry were both gone now.
"Damnit," I sighed, leaning over and turning the radio up a bit. Billy Joel sang softly about Vienna, my eyes closing as I relaxed into my seat. I thought about texting Niall to see if he had heard from Rina, but I knew he was taking a break. I just didn't know if that meant he wasn't talking to Rina.
I opened my eyes, feeling my head roll to the side to stare out the window. A scream ripped through my throat as my hands covered my face and my legs kicked my body away from the sight that I had seen. Rina standing, bloody and bruised in front of the window with a curled smile on her lips and her head nearly dismembered.
"No! No!" I screamed out loud, shaking violently as panic set in, "You're not real! This isn't real!"
Wasn't it? I couldn't fucking tell. She looked real. As if I could reach out and feel the warmth of her blood that dripped down her neck. I wiped my eyes, taking a deep breath as I tried to steady my breath before removing my hands from my face and forcing myself to stare at the image in front of me. Instead, there was nothing. No dismembered Rina. No blood. I blinked hard, shaky hands grabbing the side of the car door as I looked closer to see someone getting out of their car with their family.
The driver's door opened, making me scream out and fling my body to the door with a panicked look. Harry jolted backwards in fear, his hand on his chest as he looked at me in fear.
"What?! What!" Harry looked around, just as fearful from my screaming.
I swallowed thick, letting out a whimper while my hands cupped my face and shook my head in disbelief.
"Angel, what the fuck? You scared me!" Harry sighed out, rubbing his chest in stress as he got into the car and looked over at me, "What happened? What's going on? Is everything okay?"
His voice was full of concern, but I only shook my head and let out a soft whimper. What the fuck was wrong with me? Was this permanent? Was I going to deal with these gory hallucinations all my life? Harry's hand patted my knee.
"Talk to me, honey, did you see something again?" Harry breathed breathlessly in fear, what fear? Was seeing me like this scary to him? If he was scared, I wanted him to take a dip into my head and see what my mind makes up. He would truly be scared by it.
"Rina..." I breathed, flipping my hair back out of my face as I brushed the running tears off my cheeks with a sniffle, "She–she was right there, I swear to god, she stood right there, Harry. Her neck was–her neck was slit and her—there was blood–"
"Hey, hey," Harry took my hand, placing a kiss on it delicately, "It's okay, it's not real. Okay? It's not real."
"It felt so real." I nearly sobbed, palming one eye with my hand as I bit down on my quivering lip.
"I know it did, baby," Harry's voice broke with a pouty lip, "I know. Let's go home, okay? I'm sure you'll be okay once we get home, alright?"
"Yeah," I cried softly, nodding, "Please take me home."
I stood in the mirror as I washed my swollen face, I had already changed out of my clothes and into one of Harry's large t-shirts. The cold water felt good on my face, it gave me some sort of clarity. I took my towel and dried my face, then grabbed my bottle of medicine and took a pill out. Silently, I took it and washed it down with tap water.
Leaning against the counter, I stared at myself in the mirror.
Last year I was undressing in an unfamiliar home in London. That night I thought about who I was, I was lost and was desperate for this sort of–dysmorphic fog to clear. Wearing dresses that were too tight and made it hard to breathe, sitting in a bar full of strangers and dancers that were foreign to the way I lived. It had come full circle, once again. Deja vu, if you will.
Staring in the mirror, I pulled at the bags under my eyes that only grew more tired and dark with each passing day. I didn't want to say that I didn't know who I was because I had more of a loose grasp on it now more than ever. Without my mom, rest in peace, breathing down my neck, I was able to think more clearly. But that was a different feeling than what I felt now. These illnesses I was battling, the anxiety, the depression, the hallucinations, etc. I was a different person.
I thought; Do we ever really know who we are? We are changing everyday. The person I was a year ago is different than now, but the person a year ago was different than the person from six years ago. If you put it under a magnifying glass, you're only ever going to kill yourself finding the answers to who you are at your core because you change every year. One year you may believe that purple is your favorite color, but two years later it could be yellow.
But that is a mask to what I was really thinking.
I supposed what I was really thinking was that the values I grew up with my mom don't reflect who I am now as an individual. My family believed a lot of things that weren't right, things that hurt other people. A majority of people, such as I, were victims of the brainwashing of their own toxic family. Some of us are incredibly lucky to mold our own minds at a young age, such as I, at the age of twenty-one.
If I didn't know who I was, staring into the mirror, contemplating who I really was and what I was dealing with; I was okay with that.
I was okay with that because at my core, I knew my values. They differ from my family, more-so my mother, but I was okay with that. Growing up, I never let the hate that was taught ever reflect who I was in nature, which was a loving child.
So, maybe I was going through a rough patch with my mental health and I couldn't recognize the person in the mirror because of that, but I have lived and I could say that. Not a lot of people could say that. I was proud of myself for that, at least, even if the thoughts were too much and I felt the weight of the world crumbling down on me.
But I lived.
And every day after, I choose to continue to live.
For me, for the people that love me, for the people I love, and for all the beautiful memories and heartache that I choose to feel to the fullest.
Because that is what living is.
"Puppy, you coming to bed?"
My eyes steadied on Harry who was leaning against the door frame in just his sweats. His torso fully exposed. As he usually slept. A smile appeared on my lips, but slowly faded into a deadpan. I knew that at some point we needed to talk about what happened. I wasn't sure if I was even up for it tonight, but it was eating at me.
I wanted me and Harry to work, but if he was going to stay with Ajax and work a job such as handling drugs while we tackled the conversations of having a family, I wasn't sure if that was something I was willing to compromise with.
I was just hopinh that Harry could understand where I was coming from
"Yeah, I was just washing up." I pushed myself from the counter and turned on my heel.
Harry moved himself from the door, rounding the bed to his usual side as I crawled into the bed with a sleepy sigh. Pulling the blankets over my waist, I rolled over onto my side and watched as Harry took out his contact lens and put it into his case for tomorrow morning.
"Do you want to talk about tonight?" I whispered, "About what happened at dinner?"
Harry placed his case on the bedside table, tucking himself under the blankets before rolling over to face me. He scooted closer to me, arm resting under my head with the other wrapped around my waist. He kissed my mouth softly, keeping it short and sweet, with his minty breath hitting my face.
"No," He whispered back, tucking my hair back behind my ear, "Not tonight, my dear."
"But soon?" I met his glossy eyes. His was just as tired as mine.
I wished that I knew what he was thinking. It would be a hell of a lot easier.
"Soon," He nodded, rolling back to turn the lamp off and engulf us into the darkness of the room. He pressed his body tight against mine, a hand pressed against my lower back as he kissed me hard on the mouth once more. "I love you, Anna Camino."
I whimpered softly.
"I love you, Harry."
His lips caressed around my skin, my collarbones, my neck, behind my ear and back to my mouth. His hand massaged my back. I moaned, subtly, not out of pleasure, but out of relaxation. It felt good to be loved like this.
"Hold me," I whispered into his chestnut curls while his face hid in my neck to kiss my exposed skin, "And never let go."
Please.
Never let me go.
—————————————————
A/N
hiiiii!!! how are you guys enjoying the book? i'm excited about the next few chapters <3
also writing this truly hurt me. poor anna and harry :( we can only hope that harry can get his head out of his ass before something happens !!
anyways come yell at me on twitter /shroomiebloomm