Author’s note: Welcome back to ‘Leave Me’! I know what you’re thinking: What happened to that faster update, huh? I’m so sorry! I resumed uni for the year and had a few other things going on that were more urgent than writing (which is a bummer) L Thanks for being patient with me, I really appreciate it!
This chapter was a bit tricky to write (amongst other things, which will be explained at the end), because I needed to adjust to writing Albus’ POV about a conversation I have now written 3 times! I enjoyed writing the chapter, but I look forward to writing about something new :D
Enough chat though. Let’s get right to it! I hope you enjoy reading the observations and speculations Albus comes up with!
Happy reading!
Leave Me
Chapter 5- Memories Part 2
Albus’ POV
The fact that Severus had met with an unidentifiable supernatural creature both intrigued and concerned me; who was this ‘boy’ and would he keep our world a secret from the rest of his species? I hoped seeing the boy for myself would provide me with some clues on the matter, so I was eager to enter the Pensieve to view him with my own eyes. Based on the few facts Severus had been willingly to tell me, the boy’s species must look human, otherwise Severus should have known he was supernatural. I also anticipated the details of their conversation to be vital to my understanding of the boy and the vision his sister had Seen, so I was more than a little surprised when Severus refused to elaborate on the contents of their discussion. Severus’ unwillingness to explain led me to believe that the conversation was more personal than Severus had admitted to me, in which case, I could understand why he preferred to show, rather than tell me, what happened.
In the few seconds it took for me to enter the Pensieve and ‘reappear’ within Severus’ memory, I was already contemplating which of the possible supernatural beings the mysterious boy may originate from. The mere fact that such a creature was in Spinner’s End was highly unusual; as far as I knew, Severus was the only individual living there who was not a Muggle.
I landed quietly on my feet. My eyes were immediately captured by the rich woods that formed the furniture and the floor within the small pub. Six stools lined the bar opposite me, and a four tall tables and stools were organised neatly around the mahogany timber floor. The lights were dim, but sufficient to see clearly. The bartender seemed a kind man, perhaps in his fifties. He was watching his two customers with unyielding interest, his eyes shifting from left to right. It only then occurred to me that the boy and Severus were already talking quietly; it was difficult to tell because they were not facing one another. I made my way to the bar bench without further ado; I did not want to miss any more of their conversation.
Within a second I was standing next to the boy. If he were able to sense my presence, he would have certainly believed me inconsiderate and ignorant of his personal space. But I had no desire to control my enthusiasm. Instantly, I was struck by how perfect he appeared. I was certain such a physically faultless creation could not be human. This alone was enough to tell me that the boy was supernatural; my many years of living had shown me that all humans were guaranteed to possess at least one imperfect physical flaw. This boy had none.
I was leaning over the bench so I could stare at the boy’s face. I was watching how his lips and unnaturally bright golden eyes moved with precision, when I heard the present day Severus arrive behind me.
“What do you think?” he asked me quietly. He now stood behind himself so he could watch my observations of the boy from afar.
“You are correct, Severus,” I told him with wonder. “He is definitely supernatural. As to what he is…” I trailed off in continued contemplation. “I have no idea; I have never seen someone who looks like him before.”
“Then how are you certain he is supernatural?” Severus challenged me. I could not be sure if his question was oppositional or if he was simply curious, not that it mattered of course.
I dragged my eyes away from the boy’s, stood upright, and turned to look at Severus from over my shoulder.
“I have no certain evidence as of yet, but I hope, as your conversation with him continues, something may come up,” I said cheerfully to my companion. “So far my only clue is he is too perfect.”
Severus grunted, and I knew he wholeheartedly agreed with me- few would disagree, except perhaps a Veela.
I then turned back to the boy and wished he would look at Severus so I could see his full profile. Nevertheless, I had already formed some conclusions based on his side profile, and decided to share my observations with Severus.
“He is unnaturally attractive, isn’t he?” I muttered as I peered at him. “Somewhat reminiscent of a Veela, but he does not possess the blonde hair associated with their species, and of course, he is not female,” I added with a chuckle.
“Could he be a related species of the Veela?” Severus suggested, and I was glad that he was willing to share his ideas with me; two heads are always better than one after all.
I nodded my head. “He could be,” I agreed, but for some strange reason, I felt it unlikely. “His eyes are unusually bright and unblemished,” I observed further as I leaned part way onto the bench to study them again. “No odd flecks or different shades of gold around his irises. They are otherwise human-like,” I allowed, “except the mere fact that they lack the imperfections that all humans, including wizards, have.”
Finally the boy turned towards Severus and asked: “What are you trying to forget?”
Despite my prior intentions to comprehend every word that was shared between them, I was ashamed to realise that all my attention had been absorbed with the boy’s appearance. Nevertheless, the boy’s question seemed strange to me, and thus engendered my attention. I momentarily grieved over missing the context from which the boy’s question arose, but that was soon forgotten as I became absorbed with the boy’s appearance once again.
Front on, the boy’s face was, as far as my eyes could determine, completely symmetrical. His skin was smooth and undamaged. It was the purest colour of white without a single blemish or blush upon his face that was anything other than the very same shade of white.
“Did you ever touch his skin?” I asked Severus without looking at him.
“No,” Severus replied immediately as if my question was ridiculous. “Why?”
I turned to glance at him over my shoulder. “I wonder if it feels like skin-”
“Of course it’s skin,” Severus objected.
“In the functional sense, yes, but I doubt his skin feels or works the same way as ours does… it looks like marble,” I observed as I watched the dim lights in the bar reflect off of his ‘flesh’. I wished I could touch him to see if my guess was correct.
“Perhaps,” Severus dismissed.
I could tell Severus was losing interest in my hypotheses, so I decided to question him about his own opinion of the boy.
Turning around to face him, I asked: “What were your impressions when you first saw him?”
Severus looked at me seriously. “I felt his presence was almost God-like,” he muttered. “It is lost in the Pensieve, but his air seemed to reflect an invisible power-”
“In what sense?” I interjected, intrigued by Severus’ evaluation.
“Physical power,” he clarified, “and perhaps a magical power too,” he shrugged.
I nodded my head as I studied the boy again; I could imagine what Severus had said. Perhaps his species exuded a scent or a power that can be felt by humans to either engender our trust, to warn us of their strength, or perhaps both. It was an intriguing possibility.
I was about to observe the way the boy tended to move in a calculative-manner on his stool, when Severus’ past self yelled: “Why do you want to?”
I felt my eyebrows rise in surprise both by Severus’ outburst and my complete inability to both listen and evaluate in the presence of this boy.
“Severus?” I questioned my companion. I turned to look at him, but he did not answer me; he was watching his past self so intensely it was as if I were invisible and mute to him.
Only then did I pay the guilt-ridden, grieving Severus any attention. I had carelessly neglected observing him. He looked tired and slightly unsteady on his stool. I was not sure how much he had drunk at that point, but he otherwise did not look or sound significantly intoxicated. Immediately I felt for him though; this was the side of Severus I had expected to see in my office, but somehow the mysterious boy must have dragged it out of him the night before. If I was correct, then I wanted to hear every strategy the boy used to make this happen; I knew I would need to talk to Severus about Lily in the future, so any form of assistance, even from a stranger, was more than welcome.
After convincing myself that an evaluation of the boy’s species could occur once the memory had ended, I focused all of my attention on their conversation. I hoped I had not missed anything too significant, otherwise I would have difficulty understanding the impact this boy had on Severus and his grieving over Lily.
“Never tried and never intend to,” the past Severus asserted. “And I’ll be damned if I sit here listening to you talk about your life. Speak to the bartender instead, that’s why he’s here; to listen to pathetic people like you,” he continued scathingly.
Although I could not say I knew Severus well at that point, I did know that neither talking about nor listening to other people’s problems was his ‘cup of tea’ at the best of times, let alone during perhaps the worst night of his life. The present day Severus still seemed to be livid that the boy was so intent on making him talk. I wondered whether Severus later reflected more positively on the boy’s persistence knowing the vital information he would later provide us.
Nevertheless, I was glad that Severus was being somewhat confrontational with the boy; I was curious to see this creature’s reaction when provoked. The boy silently stared at Severus, but I did not feel he was at risk of being attacked… yet. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the bartender went to say something, but the boy merely held up his hand to halt him. Still, he remained silent as if waiting for Severus to retract his comment or apologise.
While the boy remained calm, perhaps dangerously so, I could see that Severus was contemplating how to react to his intense watchfulness. I saw him briefly reach for his wand, but he then seemed to think the better of it, and left it in his robes.
I vigilantly observed the environment around me; I did not want to miss what happened next. So it surprised me when I heard a gasp that seemed to come from outside. Immediately I turned towards the door as did the boy and the present-day Severus. I moved closer to the entrance so I was standing directly in front of the boy’s gaze as he continued to look in that direction. He appeared alarmed as if he saw something terrifying, but then seconds later his face relaxed, but his eyes were tight in concentration. What he was reacting to was a complete mystery to me.
“Someone must be outside,” Severus whispered to me. I turned to him- his face was one of concern. “I heard it clearly just then. Last night, I could not be sure what I heard,” he explained himself.
“Completely understandable,” I reassured him. “Perhaps, as the conversation continues, we will gain further hints about who is out there.”
“Probably his sister.”
“Most likely,” I agreed.
I could not explain why the boy looked towards the door for so long- perhaps he was expecting his sister to intervene? In any case, when he turned back to look at Severus, he gently asked: “Do you think I am pathetic?”
I was surprised the boy portrayed genuine curiosity; he did not sound even remotely offended at being called such a word. Perhaps he suspected what Severus had almost extracted from his robes and did not want to provoke him.
“Yes, just drink your damn drink and be done with it!” the past Severus yelled in frustration.
“With what?” the boy asked; he looked confused.
“Your talking! No one cares about your life!” Severus hissed through his teeth. I wondered why Severus was being so cruel to the boy; I had not imagined him to be so confrontational while he grieved.
“No one? Or just you?” the boy fired back, his eyes narrowing as he challenged him. Naturally, Severus’ insult was impossible to prove, so he remained silent, though I could imagine him seething beneath his cool exterior.
“I wonder…” the boy continued when it was clear Severus was not going to answer him. “Whether anyone cares about your life?”
This, I felt, was quite a personal question to ask a stranger. Curious to know how Severus answered, I turned to look at both Severuses. To my surprise, the present day Severus had his back towards us. Before I could say his name to revert his attention back to me, the past Severus replied with confidence: “No, no one does.”
Oh Severus, I thought sadly.
“Perhaps they would if they knew you,” the boy pointed out as if trying to cheer him up. I smiled when I heard the boy’s testament- it was exactly what I would have suggested to Severus. It saddened me when I realised a second later that I would have disagreed with the boy a few weeks ago.
“Has our little discussion in this bar convinced you that I am someone worth knowing?” Severus demanded of the boy, his tone thick with sarcasm. Severus’ guilt seemed to prevent him from perceiving himself worthy of anything.
I expected the boy to insist that Severus was worth knowing, but instead he shrugged his shoulders and informed Severus that he ‘does not make a habit of judging people before he gets to know them’.
I gazed into his eyes and felt that he was telling the truth. Perhaps this boy was one of those unique individuals who were willing to give everyone a chance.
Much like myself, perhaps? I smiled at the thought.
“Well you can be certain I am not worth your attention or worth knowing, so do not waste your time speaking with me!” Severus replied forcefully.
My companion had definitely made the boy fight to be heard. I wanted to believe that Severus would have said anything to deter the boy from speaking with him, but I knew that he was actually vocalising his perceived truth: he was worthless now.
“I do not perceive this to be a waste of time,” the boy said seriously. To reflect this, he turned to his right to glance at Severus. His face suggested he was slightly offended; given the reason he was talking to Severus at all was in an attempt to save our world, I was not surprised. From that moment, I felt a renewed sense of respect for this young creature who seemed determined to inform Severus of what his sister had Seen.
“Well you are wasting mine,” Severus said through his teeth, and I saw his skin pale in anger. “Pour me another,” he demanded of the bartender who did not hesitate to obey him.
“Easier to drink than face life, isn’t it?” the boy philosophised as he nodded his head towards Severus’ glass which was being held tightly in its owner’s hand.
“What would you know of it?” Severus replied after he slammed the glass down on the counter. It seemed like the recently consumed alcohol had already gone to Severus’ head; his words were beginning to slur and he seemed to have momentarily lost control over his actions; he had just encouraged the boy to talk after all.
“I told you before that I have made mistakes in my life-”
I could not believe I missed hearing this part of their conversation and was about to ask Severus what he had said, when the past Severus interrupted me and the boy.
“Were you a truant? Did you knock up a girl?” he sneered, and I knew he felt the boy’s transgressions could never compare to his.
When the boy smiled wryly with a slight hint of mischievousness, I hoped the question I was going to ask Severus was about to be answered.
“No, manslaughter actually,” he said matter-of-factly.
Goodness, I thought; I had not expected this, and yet it provided an interesting parallel to Severus’ own perceived transgressions. Aside from his supernatural appearance and having a powerful Seer for a sister, this fact made the boy far more interesting than I could have hoped.
Understandably, fear and shock were clearly expressed on both the bartender and Severus’ faces. However, my present companion appeared contemplative- his fear of the boy no longer seemed to concern him now that he was unable to be harmed.
“You seem surprised,” the boy answered as if his accidently killing someone should not be a shock to anyone. “Why?”
I found this a strange question to ask; surely it was expected that Severus be shocked, and yet the boy seemed to be normalising the act of manslaughter. It made me question whether he knew why Severus was drinking heavily before speaking with him; as far as I could tell, Severus had yet to tell the boy why he was consuming copious amounts of alcohol.
“You do not appear to be old enough to commit such a crime,” Severus reasoned in an attempt to justify his reaction. I agreed with Severus; this was also one of the forethoughts in my mind, as well as the boy’s apparent disregard for the common etiquette that suggests one should not admit to something like that in front of strangers.
My curiosity was piqued when the boy remained silent and instead smiled at Severus. He soon averted his eyes to the ground, and I thought he felt he had expressed his joy too openly. I shivered when the boy began to laugh. The timbre of his voice was beautiful, and yet, it also portrayed the power and danger Severus had alluded to before.
Again Severus reached for his wand which halted the boy’s laughter immediately. When the boy lifted his head again, his expression was neutral, but I could tell that despite his laughter, he took his crime seriously, and now intended to respond to Severus in kind.
“I am older than I look. And despite my appearance, I have killed innocent people, and life was unbearable for a time… until I realised I could make a difference- make amends for the lives I took,” he said slowly and gently as if he wanted to make sure that Severus understood and believed every word he said.
I could not help but believe him too; the earnest expression upon his face told me that he had experienced a pain, though perhaps not one as significant as Severus’. The parallels were uncanny- I was certain the boy must have known Severus’ role in the Potters’ deaths prior to entering the pub. Why else would he be alluding to it through his own experiences? Again, I hoped the content of their conversation would eventually enlighten me.
“It is impossible to replace someone’s life,” Severus spat, ever rigid in the literal rules that govern our world, “no matter how sorry you may be, some deaths are unforgiveable,” Severus informed the boy, and I knew he believed his part in Lily’s was the one to which he referred.
I turned to look at Severus, who was staring at his past self. I saw, or perhaps hoped I saw, tears in his eyes. I hoped he would be able to forgive himself one day- I knew that now was too soon for him as it would be for anyone in his position.
In response to Severus’ comment, the boy tilted his head to the side and then vocalised a highly astute observation: that perhaps Severus had killed someone too.
To my surprise, Severus immediately nodded his head. “Three people.”
Slightly puzzled, I looked towards my companion again; it seemed he believed all three of the Potters were dead at this time, so why did he think to ask me whether Harry survived?
I quickly shared my thoughts with Severus, who replied rapidly under his breath: “You’ll find out.”
As I continued to observe the conversation that was taking place, I wondered whether Severus’ knowing that Harry survived would have relieved some of his self-loathing. But given Lily remained dead either way, I suppose that would have been unlikely.
Again the boy reacted as if killing three people, intentionally or not, was a normal occurrence. However, when he admitted to killing eight individuals I could not help but exclaim: “Goodness!” for I had expected only one victim, not eight.
“Tonight?” Severus blurted out, and I could see by the look on his face that he was beginning to panic.
To my astonishment, the boy smiled at Severus, but unlike the one he gave before which was followed by a laugh, this one was crooked, more attractive, and reflected genuine pleasure.
“No, but everyday I try to make amends for the loss of their lives.”
Again I could not help but believe him. It made me wonder whether his silent ability to convince was a facet of his species or merely a feature of his unique personality.
I also wondered how he restored balance in the world after taking eight lives. In Severus’ case, Harry’s survival provided him with an obvious means towards redemption. Surely this boy could not have been similarly lucky eight times over?
Braver than I would have felt in his situation, Severus asked with what appeared to be genuine curiosity: “Is there a point to this conversation? Did you come here to scare me?” This comment reminded me of the true reason why the boy was here- why was it even necessary to confide so much in Severus when the boy could have simply told him about his sister’s prediction? Perhaps he had other plans in mind? Perhaps he wanted to help Severus feel better? If this were true, I wondered whether other members of his species are similarly inclined to be caring towards humans.
“I can see you are not,” the boy concluded, even though I was beyond certain that Severus was terrified, “though perhaps you ought to be,” he continued once again producing the same crooked smile. I felt he was simply joking- that he would not go so far as to hurt Severus. However, my observations so far suggested that he could have injured Severus if he wanted to.
Severus stared at the boy for some time, and I noticed that whilst being scrutinised, the boy remained unnaturally still as if waiting for Severus’ judgement of him.
“From what you have said, it sounds like you repent the crimes you committed, so at present, I have no reason to fear you,” Severus eventually said calmly, but I could tell by his physical rigidity and wary gaze that he did in fact fear the boy. I did not blame him in the slightest.
“Then you have made a wise judgement. You have no reason to fear me,” the boy tried to reassure Severus. “Perhaps you should try to forgive yourself for whatever crime you feel you have done.”
Again this concept of forgiveness... why was the boy so insistent that Severus end his self-loathing when the woman he loved died mere hours ago? Surely time was all Severus would need, and yet, the boy seemed to think time was limited… or unobtainable.
Unexpectedly, Severus gave the boy a grim smile, and then looked away from him, his wariness of the boy, forgotten.
“Self-forgiveness is impossible for me,” Severus whispered. “I killed someone I love.”
“If I had it may have been easier to work out how to make things right-” the boy said, perhaps trying to highlight the only potential positive in what had happened to Severus.
“Her family are dead,” Severus countered instantly. His statement, although far from humorous, made me smile. I turned to look at my companion, who ignored my gaze. The twitch of his mouth suggested he had noticed me and I hoped that knowing Harry still lived made his way forward clearer for him.
“If you loved her, why did you kill her?” the boy asked gently, and I could tell he did not mean to sound insensitive by his question.
“It was an accident, thus the manslaughter,” Severus reminded the boy in a forceful tone.
“It wasn’t your fault, Severus,” I told him seriously.
“Don’t start me, Albus,” Severus muttered under his breath as he continued to stare at his past self. Even though he did not look at me, I watched him carefully wondering if his perception of being at fault was the reason he was unable to forgive himself. If this were true, it would not be difficult to convince him that others, such as Tom, were far more accountable and worthy of the blame- not him.
“And you blame yourself for her death?” the boy asked.
“There is no one else to blame!” Severus shouted at the boy, but I felt, by the way the present day Severus was looking at me, that this was exactly what he wanted to yell at me too.
“Tom did this,” I reminded him. “Not you.”
As if to reflect my statement, however impossible, the boy replied: “That doesn’t mean it was your fault.”
I turned away from Severus to face the boy, my eyes wide in surprise and disbelief. Had I heard correctly? The look on both Severuses’ faces informed me that I was not mistaken; the boy’s voice had a beautiful musical quality to it now. The past Severus had lowered his head to stare at his drink, clearly feeling uncomfortable.
What had the boy tried to do?
“I think he was trying to calm me,” Severus spoke in a neutral tone, unknowingly answering my silent question.
“Did it work?” I asked, flabbergasted.
Severus reluctantly nodded. “Not enough for me to believe him though,” he whispered under his breath.
For a moment I pondered whether this boy’s singing had an equal power to any human who would sing to soothe an infant, or whether it originated from the magic that was inherent in his species.
Interesting…
“Do you believe it was intentional on his part?” I asked Severus.
He paused for a minute as he stared blankly at the boy who, for some unknown reason, was looking towards the door once again.
“Yes.”
“What makes you think that?”
Severus looked at me then, and a moment later, he shrugged. However, the brief dart of his eyes and his watery gaze told me that he had a valid and insightful explanation for his answer.
A couple more minutes passed before the boy resumed his presence within the room again. I had no clue what function staring at the door played for him, but I was certain he was somehow silently communicating with someone on the other side. I would have walked through the door to investigate, but I would not be able to see anything given that whoever it was was not featured in Severus’ memory. Whatever the boy had done or heard during those brief minutes had strengthened his resolve; he appeared even more determined that Severus talk about his feelings.
“What are you going to do about it?”
I looked at the boy carefully wondering what he hoped to achieve by asking such a vague question. Perhaps… perhaps his sister had told him to ask such a question in order to lead him to the outcome he wanted- whatever that was.
Severus shrugged at the boy
“Surely there is something you can do to make things right again?” he encouraged Severus, but it appeared that the grieved man had had enough.
“Perhaps you feel your actions may have righted the imbalance you created in the world by killing eight innocent people, but there is nothing I can do to redeem myself of this mistake,” Severus hissed through his teeth, but I also sensed a desperation in his voice as if he wanted the boy to understand what he had done, realise it was irreversible, and then leave him alone.
“Or mend your heart,” the boy added, his bright honey coloured eyes staring into Severus’, and again his tone was soothing, even to me.
“He seems to understand you, Severus,” I commented. Somehow I knew this boy- this creature understood Severus in a way I could not.
I felt the boy’s open acknowledgement of Severus’ broken heart left the latter feeling vulnerable; this boy was probably the first to openly acknowledge Severus’ love for Lily Potter.
The present Severus was watching the boy in a strange way, part in wonder and the other in loathing. Only recently had I discovered how much I had misunderstood Severus’ character and his feelings. For this complete stranger to understand and respect him almost from the very beginning, it made sense that Severus was simultaneously touched and frustrated.
“What are you going to do?” the boy whispered after a few seconds.
“Nothing,” Severus replied dismissively. I already had Severus’ promise that he would help protect Harry, otherwise I would have informed him kindly that ‘doing nothing helps no one’, and then list the options available to him.
“You will let her death go to waste?” the boy asked in disbelief.
“Nothing could ever be gained from her death! Don’t you dare speak of things you do not understand! Her life has been wasted, nothing I can do could ever change that,” Severus choked out, and I could hear that he was becoming emotional. I knew Severus would not be willing to tell the boy exactly what he had done, for secrecy reasons if nothing else, but ultimately the boy could never fully understand him without knowing the truth.
Yet, I felt compelled to say: “Death is not always pointless, Severus. And I have a feeling this boy understands more about that than he ever admits to during this conversation.” Of course, I had not lived through the entirety of Severus’ memory yet, but there was another element of knowledge that this boy was not sharing- his understanding of Severus, a man who I have found to be extremely skilled at hiding his true feelings and intentions since he was a child, was hauntingly deep and accurate.
Severus merely shrugged at my comment, but I could tell he was contemplating whether I was correct.
“There must be something, and when you find it you could channel your energy, your grief, your remorse, your love, into doing that thing for her- something that might matter,” the boy continued to encourage Severus.
Like protecting her son, I automatically thought to myself. It made me wonder whether the boy had similar intentions for Severus- what did he believe Severus could do to redeem himself?
“There is nothing,” Severus insisted, “her child and husband are dead.”
The boy’s eyebrows rose, and it was clear to me, though perhaps not to the intoxicated Severus at the time, that he knew Severus was wrong… but how could he possibly know that?
“There must be a way; everything is able to be balanced.”
I nodded my head; my thoughts exactly- there is always possibility for redemption.
“Why can’t you accept that such balance is impossible for some of us? We cannot all be as lucky as you!” Severus snapped, his face briefly turning pale with rage. After taking a couple of quick breaths, he continued. “And perhaps I don’t want to be forgiven.”
“Then how will you live with your pain?” the boy asked, his eyes narrowed with curiosity.
“I won’t.”
Multiple interpretations of those two simple words flitted through my mind as I turned around to look at the present-day Severus.
He refused to look at me; he did not want to talk about it. This was why he did not want to tell me what else was discussed between him and the boy; he wanted to keep this aspect of their conversation hidden from me.
As I replayed Severus’ statement in my mind again, I realised I already had my answer; the sense of hopelessness and worthlessness in Severus’ tone told me that his statement was literal.
Instantly, many of my questions were answered, such as why the boy had shared personal anecdotes from his life, and the constant references he made to forgiveness. However, this significant piece of information also triggered further questions and hypotheses.
Could this be part of the future the boy’s sister had Seen?
How could it be that this Severus was the very same individual who met me tonight to seek guidance with such calm restraint?
Within seconds, my guess was confirmed; for the first time since he left Hogwarts, I saw the past Severus’ eyes fill with tears.
I wanted to turn around to comfort the present Severus, given I could do nothing to relieve the one in the memory, but I was captivated by the boy’s face. He looked miserable and sad. Briefly he moved his hand towards Severus as if to comfort him or perhaps apologise for so openly alluding to his true intentions that night. The past Severus was brave enough to keep watching the boy, who glanced back in a sympathetic manner. Eventually Severus lost his nerve (understandably- it would have been difficult to look in the boy’s eyes for more than a couple of seconds), and averted his gaze towards his lap.
Once Severus looked away, the boy turned towards the door again; perhaps somehow seeking his sister’s advice on what to do or say next.
“You can’t forgive yourself?” he eventually whispered into the silent bar.
I saw Severus stare at the boy as if he had proposed something ludicrous.
“Of course not,” he hissed through his teeth, clearly frustrated with the boy’s persistence in the matter.
“You don’t believe you deserve it?” the boy asked hopefully, and yet I was certain he must have known that talking further about it would not alter Severus’ choice.
Severus looked as if he were about to shout at the boy, his neck jutting out in instinctive denial. But then his eyes glazed over, and I knew he was reminiscing about something or was otherwise lost in thought.
I watched the boy to see how he would react to Severus’ abnormal change in behaviour, I expected him to appear confused. Instead, the boy cringed and averted his gaze from Severus’ face for a second or two. His reaction seemed so disconnected from what was happening in the room, that I was the one left feeling bewildered.
“Do you remember what you were thinking at that moment?” I asked Severus quickly, in an attempt to rule out Severus’ reminiscence as having anything to do with it.
Severus remained impassive for a number of seconds. Finally, he replied in a neutral, detached manner: “I was remembering the moment I found Lily’s body.”
“Did you notice the boy cringe?” I persisted, my heart racing at the possibility that the boy had sensed the pain Severus was experiencing in that precise moment of recollection.
“Yes. At the time I thought he was reacting to my facial expression. I see now that my face did not betray me; it must have been something else. Perhaps his sister said something we didn’t hear?”
I nodded, but I was not fully aware of what I was agreeing to; I felt the boy was reacting to Severus’ feelings or perhaps his memory… somehow. It was too much of a coincidence.
“I can see you love her,” the boy said when Severus did not respond. “But your actions cannot be as terrible as you say they are. Her death was an accident after all.”
I found the boy’s statement interesting because I had seen little of Severus’ love for Lily during this conversation: What did he see than I could not?
Again Severus seemed beyond speaking, however his glare and the thin line of his lips told me that he was close to losing his patience entirely.
Sensing Severus’ disapproval, the boy sat up straighter in his chair as if to detach himself from whatever strange connection he shared with Severus, and then continued to speak in a more formal tone.
“Of course, I cannot stop you from doing what you feel you must. I wanted to do something similar when I killed all those people too. But then I remembered there was more to my life than just me, that there were people who would miss me if I died.”
The boy quickly glanced towards the door again. This was the final piece of evidence I needed to know that his sister, at the very least, was standing just outside. What I would have given to see her; any similarities and differences between them could have helped me towards determining their species.
“No one would notice if I died,” Severus stated dismissively.
“I am certain someone would.”
“They would notice, but they would not care,” Severus clarified.
“I would have, Severus,” I told my companion solemnly; I could not imagine what it would be like to function everyday believing that no one cared whether I lived or died.
“And of all the things you would have done in the future, all the people you would have met and affected in years to come? Will you deprive them of your presence?”
The boy continued to press, his voice rising slightly in volume.
I was astonished to hear Severus laugh at this, perhaps because my immediate reaction to hearing the boy’s rhetorical questions were so different from his at the time.
Is this boy suggesting what I think he is suggesting?
The possibility was both shocking and satisfying to me regardless of its truth.
I will have to wait and see.
“Deprive them of my hate? My bitterness? They would be better off without me.”
“No, we wouldn’t,” I responded automatically to the past Severus, only realising an instant later that he was not able to hear me.
The boy also seemed inclined to protest as I had, but was interrupted as Severus talked loudly over him.
“And even if I was able to influence countless lives in a positive way, as you are suggesting, it would not be worth the years of pain.”
This gave me pause- it had to. I knew that Severus’ abilities were invaluable to me, to Harry, to our world, but I also knew that if Severus never forgave himself for the near blameless part he played in Lily’s death, contentment would likely evade him forever and he would suffer.
To my surprise, the boy, who knew Severus far less than I, echoed my sentiments:
“I suppose so,” he agreed, “the happiness of others is not worth your sanity.”
“I am not capable of providing anyone with happiness,” Severus said matter-of-factly.
I feel ashamed to admit that my immediate response was to agree with him, not because I felt Severus had nothing to provide, which was far from true, but because I never associated Severus with being happy, not even when he was a student. But providing others with knowledge was an equally valuable gift to that of happiness, and I knew Severus had plenty of that to give if he was willing.
“Mmm perhaps, but that does not mean you would not be important to them- that you wouldn’t have a purpose in their lives,” the boy tried to reason with Severus.
Such as preventing a town from being subjected to slavery? I thought with a grim smile. Observing Severus’ memory knowing what the boy would eventually reveal was an unusual, yet valuable experience. This meant that at this stage of their conversation, I could see, which Severus could not have done, what the boy was alluding to.
“I would only make them miserable.”
“Or you may keep them alive; you could save others even though you couldn’t save her.”
I must be right… no wonder this boy was so persistent with Severus despite his gallant efforts to dissuade him. Bless him.
I couldn’t help but smile at the boy while Severus asked: “What are you suggesting?”
“That every human life has a purpose.”
Although I believed this to be true, I knew the boy really meant that Severus’ life had a greater purpose than the one he intended for himself.
I knew it.
“If that were so, then Lily’s was to die because of my mistake. What was the purpose of that?” Severus demanded of the boy, a question that perhaps only I (for the time being) had the ability to partially answer.
“I am certain the purpose of her life was not to die at your hand- perhaps her purpose was fulfilled before her death?” the boy suggested, and I noticed his eyes twinkling in the light of the bar.
I felt simultaneously intrigued and horrified that the boy’s philosophising was dangerously close to the truth, but surely he could not know this? It was impossible, surely?
“Be silent!” Severus snapped at the boy.
“He knows more than I ever told him- more than his sister could have known,” the present-day Severus muttered deductively.
“I agree,” I replied readily.
“So is your purpose to die tonight? Is that why you were born? To destroy her and then kill yourself?” the boy yelled suddenly; apparently Severus’ shouted demand had minimal impact on him. I sensed that the evident failure of his plan was becoming apparent to the boy, and I could not blame him for becoming frustrated with the contradictions that lived within Severus’ depression and grief.
In response to the boy’s bluntness, I heard someone or perhaps more than one person admonish him from beyond the pub.
“Edward!”
Or at least, this was the name I thought I heard. It was evident by this stage that the boy’s hearing was significantly superior to mine. Nevertheless, ‘Edward’ was the name my mind matched with the sound I heard. It provided me with some comfort to have a name to call him (even if it was wrong) as it seemed far more respectful than continuously referring to him as ‘the boy’.
There was no time to ask Severus whether he also heard the boy’s name, but a brief glimpse towards his face told me that his full attention was with the conversation that was heatedly taking place between his past self and ‘Edward’.
“Yes, what else have I done with my life?” Severus shouted, his body now shaking with rage and remorse.
I moved slightly towards this Severus wishing I could remind him of all he had done for Lily even if it was not enough to save her.
“Are you incapable of seeing the potential good you have done? To love someone as you do- you cannot be as evil or as uncaring as you claim to be!” Edward continued, his voice still rose with impatience.
And of course, the boy was right.
“I do not know what you believe you understand about me, but I demand you to stop! You know nothing of my life or hers- do not make assumptions about what it is like to be me!” Severus screamed at Edward, his breathing ragged as he tried to take calming breaths.
Despite Severus’ certainty that the boy did not understand him, I knew that somehow the boy was not making any assumptions; Edward was right and he knew it.
Naturally, the boy wanted to interrupt Severus; his mouth was open preparing to say something that likely reflected what I was thinking. But then he remained silent, and instead closed his mouth and tilted his head towards the door again. I moved quickly towards the exit to see if I could hear anything, but there was silence. Given the number of times Edward had given his undivided attention towards someone outside of the pub, I concluded they were whispering to him so only he could hear.
His species must possess superhuman hearing.
Within seconds, the boy’s face had relaxed, but he was rubbing his temples with his pale fingers- Edward was distressed about something, and I knew the truth was about to be revealed. In anticipation, I moved back towards both Severuses, interested to hear how the boy broached such a powerful, yet sensitive subject with the wizard in front him.
Apparently resigned to informing Severus of the future he seemed compelled to share, Edward closed his eyes and took a single breath to calm himself down.
When Edward opened his eyes, he stared at Severus, his gaze unwavering and determined.
“Do you believe in fortune tellers?”
I chuckled softly. Excellent… and so the truth begins to unfold.
“Yes,” Severus replied immediately.
Edward’s posture seemed to relax slightly; I imagined him thinking: ‘So far so good’.
“My sister has the ability to see the future of those around her,” he explained, and then paused to scan Severus’ body and face. “I came into this pub tonight to try to change your mind. I see I have failed,” the boy confessed, his eyes downcast in true sadness.
“Ever since you walked in here you have been lying to me,” Severus accused him, but I could see in the sincerity of the boy’s countenance and gaze that he had been honest from the start and had no need to lie about his intentions or his past demeanours.
Edward, who had endured Severus’ rudeness and negativity for over half an hour, did not seem pleased to be called a liar, and instantly the colour of his eyes turned to a dark gold. I moved slightly to my right to see if this was a trick of the lights, but it was not. No matter which way I moved or the angle at which I gazed at him, the boy’s eyes had definitely darkened. With the shadow of his irises also came a noticeable darkening of his face even though his skin remained a gleaming white. Somehow, the boy now appeared more closely related to a demon than a perfectly featured human.
Despite what I could only imagine was a deep-seated anger or offence, the boy kept a calm tone as he patiently replied:
“No, I was not lying to you. I hoped my personal experiences would have provoked you to see there are other options than ending your life.”
“Says the attractive kid who got away with killing eight people!” Severus ejaculated powerfully, gesturing aggressively at the boy.
I wonder how Edward did escape punishment for all those deaths…
Five seconds slipped by, and I was shocked the boy had not noticed that Severus had used his appearance against him. I then blinked and Edward was an inch from Severus’ face, clearly hostile and aggravated. He would have taken only a couple of steps, but I felt his reaction could not have been triggered by Severus’ accusation because it was so delayed. But what else could he have reacted to?
Severus stumbled away from Edward, his eyes wide as he stared into the boy’s near black ones.
“It took a while for him to react to you,” I said out loud, wondering if Severus had any thoughts on the matter.
Severus shook his head in wonder.
“I have noticed that there are several puzzling things about this kid,” he uttered, never taking his eyes off the boy in front of us.
“Will you share them with me?” I asked eagerly; perhaps he noticed something I had not. Unfortunately the fast pace of their conversation meant that any detailed discussion would need to wait until we returned to Hogwarts.
“After,” he said dismissively to ensure I was silent for when he next spoke in his memory.
“Why didn’t your sister come in here to tell me this?” Severus asked quickly, almost stumbling over his words as he tried to distract the boy from injuring him, which he looked close to doing.
Severus’ plan seemed to work. Immediately, Edward’s face changed and he looked calmer. He walked backwards a couple of steps to give Severus a six foot space between them.
“She wanted to, but I would not let her because I knew you would most likely be drunk. I didn’t want her to get hurt,” he explained, and I could see that he cared for his sister deeply.
“Well please do thank her for wanting to inform me that my suicide plan will be a success,” Severus announced sarcastically.
To hear him say the word ‘suicide’ made the reality of his intentions last night powerfully real to me; I could hardly believe the same man was standing next to me now, and it seemed I had Edward to thank for that. I knew Severus was vital to the battle that would one day take place between the dark and ‘good’ sides of our world. I do not know what would have happened to us if Edward had chosen not to intervene in the future of our world.
“Your future was not the one she saw,” the boy said seriously, but I could see he was slightly amused by Severus’ assumption.
“Then whose was it?” Severus asked shakily.
“Your neighbours’,” Edward revealed casually as he indicated to the street that fronted the pub. “Their future is that of slavery and severe punishment-”
“That is not my concern-” Severus objected immediately, apparently indifferent to further loss of life.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw the bartender move. He had remained so silent and stationary throughout the entire memory that I had almost forgotten he was there. However, when he shifted on his stool, I knew he was concerned by Severus’ indifference for he could be one of the ‘neighbours’ Edward was referring to.
“This became their future when you changed the means of ending your life,” Edward said pointedly, his eyes lit up with determination.
I knew it. I smiled as I briefly recalled the subtle hints Edward planted throughout their conversation- everything he said led up to this revelation. I had the distinct feeling he hoped this would be enough to motivate Severus to continue living.
Severus was staring at the boy in shock, and I could understand his amazement. Not only was Edward’s statement extraordinary, but his sister had a tremendous gift; even our best Seers cannot See the consequences of an individual’s actions.
“Somehow you were the difference between their freedom and their capture,” Edward continued, clearly emphasising how Severus was vital to the lives of others.
I briefly turned to look at Severus who, like his past self, was staring at the boy in disbelief. I could easily imagine how he was feeling; anyone who was told they had this much impact on the future would react in a similar manner. But unlike Severus, I could see numerous possibilities. The fact that Severus could save his town from Tom was the tip of the iceberg; I suspected he was capable of much more. I chuckled in anticipation of what the future will hold for Severus, and I looked forward to watching him find his place and value in our world once again.
Edward’s statement was a gift; it reassured me that I was correct: Severus was essential to Tom’s downfall. Losing Severus was no longer an option.
“That is impossible- you are lying,” Severus eventually managed to articulate after a few seconds.
The boy’s eyes flashed dangerously.
“I promise you I am not. I speak the truth. However you may perceive your life, there must be something good in you- something good you do in the future that spares these people from a terrible existence!” the boy shouted in desperation.
I walked closer to the boy to see if I could discover just by looking at him, why he was so emotionally invested in a town where he clearly did not live. Or perhaps he was just stubborn? But the longer I watched him, the more apparent it became that Edward was suffering somehow- that Severus choosing to take his life would hurt him.
Who is this boy?
“Their lives are not worth my own. I will not continue to live in this Hell in the hope that one day I could help people I don’t even know. Besides, you are likely wrong; slavery is a thing of the past,” Severus tried to reason with the boy, but of course, I already knew it would be pointless.
Edward straightened his posture as he continued to stand a safe distance from Severus. He examined Severus’ face as if in search of valuable information.
“You know of whom I speak,” he stated in a smooth whisper, “you know who has the capacity to place these people into slavery and torture them!”
I found myself staring at the boy once again, my mouth slightly open.
Could he know? Perhaps somehow he heard… about Tom.
Goodness.
Severus, who must have formulated the same conclusion as me, reached into his robes and subtly held his wand. Edward, who always seemed to be aware of Severus’ every action, saw what his companion had done. I expected him to raise his hands (perhaps expecting a gun, or worse, a wand), but instead he crouched down and walked slowly towards the door as if Severus was a wild carnivorous animal.
“He’s dead,” Severus hissed at the gradually retreating boy.
“Are you sure?” Edward challenged Severus with far more confidence than he should have given he was not there to witness Tom’s downfall and did not understand the intricacies of magic.
Nevertheless, it was clear that he knew Tom would be back, even though most of the wizarding community would have assumed he was dead as Severus had. Did his sister See Tom in her memory? If so, perhaps neither of them knew that he had apparently ‘died’ that night in the confrontation with the Potters. But now that Severus has informed him, however indirectly, that Tom ‘died’, Edward’s certainty should have wavered. How could he believe his sister’s vision so fully when someone from our world was clearly informing him that the wizard to which he referred, perished?
“Of course he’s dead!” Severus insisted; the alternative was too terrifying for him to comprehend both for his future and that of his world.
“And if he isn’t? What if you are wrong?” the boy persisted.
“I could not care less.”
I instinctively turned to look at Severus again and raised my eyebrows at him. I knew he cared, even when he was in the midst of the darkest Hell. Evidently, caring hurt too much… it prevented him from being at peace.
Edward was watching Severus carefully, clearly trying to determine if Severus was as heartless and selfish as he sounded.
Eventually he said: “Grief is painful,” in a gentle tone. For some reason he was moving closer towards the door even though Severus had released his wand. “I can see how much you miss her. Death would be the easier way out. I understand that.” The boy then sighed, but he maintained eye contact with Severus. “I wanted you to know that your life will be worth something to many, even if they do not know it. But you know it now. Do not take your life unless you are certain it is not worth living. Please,” the boy was begging now, and the sincerity in his voice touched me. And once again, Edward sounded as if he were singing gently to Severus- his voice was undeniably beautiful and enchanting.
“I have no choice!” Severus shouted at the boy, and I really felt for my companion and how worthless he must have felt to say that death was his only option.
“You do,” Edward insisted in gentle song.
“No, you do not understand!” Severus cried back, and I could see tears forming in his eyes. “I cannot live like this!” he screamed.
Oh Severus…
Only then did I realise how amazing it was that Severus managed to meet with me at all.
“Please, try,” Edward begged again, and I felt a twinge of compassion for the boy when I saw his eyes become watery; he was upset too. As to why, I had no idea; it should not have mattered so much to him. Perhaps he felt guilty for upsetting Severus? He seemed the sensitive type.
A moment later, Edward left the pub. It seemed strangely difficult for him, almost as if he were fighting against an invisible pull towards the door. He seemed reluctant to leave, so why did he? Did he need to go somewhere? I looked at Severus and saw him watching after the boy as if hoping he would return.
I glanced at the bar and noticed Edward had not touched his drink- in fact, I never saw him sip it. So much for wanting to drink… perhaps he was lying about that, and yet I had no doubt he has had a difficult past for someone so young.
I caught Severus’ eye so I could inform him of my intention to leave the Pensieve; we could talk in more detail back in my office.
Severus nodded his head in silence, his eyes transfixed on one of the windows that gave a view of the street.
I decided to give him some time within his own memory to gather his thoughts.
As I rose from the Pensieve, I realised that I was hardly any closer to determining what Edward was, though I was almost certain his species was either rare or not traditionally from our part of the world. Further research was most definitely required, and the first step towards clarity was to contemplate the close, emotional connection Edward seemed to have with Severus.
As I walked behind my desk in preparation for Severus’ arrival, I took a few of seconds to pray that the intriguing relationship I had seen form between Edward and Severus would one day bring the mysterious boy and his sister back into our world.
XXXXXXX
Author’s note: I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Please don’t forget to vote and leave a comment for me :)
In case you were wondering, I had planned to write the debrief that will occur between Severus and Albus in this chapter, but it would have made this update way too long. I think you can imagine the conclusions they will deduce about Edward anyway, but the beginning of the next chapter (which will span over the next 14 years of this story until Edward and Severus meet again) will consist of the aforementioned conversation between Severus and Albus to clarify their conclusions based on what they noticed in this chapter.
I hope there were no inconsistencies during this chapter- it was tricky writing from Albus’ perspective and remembering what he did and did not know. I also found this chapter difficult to write because there were so many thoughts/speculations I wanted Albus to have, but due to the reasonably quick exchange between Severus and Edward, it was not plausible that Albus have these thoughts/vocalise his suspicions while they continued to converse. Although I could have written it retrospectively, I thought it would be more interesting and fun that Albus see the memory in present-time so you guys could read how he felt/what he thought in the moment.
In terms of future updates, I plan to write one more chapter for each of the ‘brother’ stories before taking a significant break from these stories. Before you think I am about to abandon the stories (which I am FAR from doing), the reason for the break is to read OotP, HBP, and DH and plot out how the Cullens will be able to realistically intervene/be a part of the plot lines that occur during those books. I want to do it right, and make sure everything fits in, which means that I need to plan the rest of the story before I continue updating.
The good news is that during the break I will be able to post up at least one ‘Trust me’ outtake.
But we’re jumping a bit ahead. For now, you can expect ‘A Life worth Living’ to be updated in the next few weeks (the chapter will span over the next 14 years).
Thank you all so much for reading! Please take a second to vote and comment!
Your support is so appreciated :)
Take care,
Bee