Mitch had left three hours ago, leaving Austin sitting alone on the large modular couch. He had been sitting, staring at his phone for the majority of those three hours. Every time he had almost worked up the courage to tap her name, his guilt would come crashing down over him again like a tidal wave.
He had picked this couch. Kendra had been concerned it wouldn't work well in the room. She also told him continuously it was too comfortable and too hard to get out of once you had been sucked in. They had christened this couch almost daily since they had bought it.
He had thought of calling Brooke to distract himself until this obscene notion of interrupting her life again had disappeared. Each time his finger had hovered over her name though, he realised just how much he didn't want the idea to disappear again.
Fuck Mitch. This was his fucking fault.
He could live like this, being miserable without her, if it meant she was able to move on. He could accept forgoing his happiness if it meant she was able to find hers. For some unknown reason for the longest time he had been her happiness, just as she was his. The idea that he could still be that for her was something he didn't believe couldn't be possible but he also couldn't let go of.
Mitch had fucked that right up.
She had made it a rule with Austin very early into their relationship that they never googled each other. It was a lesson he had only had to learn once, the countless headlines and articles had wreaked such havoc on his mental state that even now he knew no good could come from it. That was the one rule that he had obeyed.
Fucking Mitch.
He could try calling her, she would see his name and then the ball would be in her court. If she really didn't want to speak to him, if she really had closed that door then she could just not answer. At least then he was giving her the option, it was her decision as to whether she left the door unlocked or if she'd well and truly dead bolted it.
Who the fuck was he kidding. He knew as well as anyone else that he was going to call her, that decision had been made almost three hours ago when he unblocked her number. He may have been successfully sober at the moment but this was the only time he could recall having any kind of self control.
There was no chance with her.
"Hello." Her voice was as smooth and sweet as honey as it came through his phone.
"Hey." His nerves suddenly hit him, regret washing over him like a tsunami. This was a mistake. They had parted on decent terms, she had been kind, and civil and so much more than he deserved. He should have ended it there and taken the win.
"Hi Austin, how are you?" Fuck he had almost forgotten how perfect his name sounded leaving her lips.
"I'm okay, how are you?" He tried to keep his voice steady, tried to hide the nerves from his tone.
"I'm good thank you. Is everything okay?" Her tone remained calm, there were no tinges of annoyance or frustration, she didn't exactly sound ecstatic but he was choosing to ignore that.
"Yeah, everything's okay. I um... I just wanted to check in and make sure you were okay. After seeing everyone and the funeral I mean..."
"Thank you, yeah I'm okay. I mean it was like a month ago now..." He rolled his eyes at her words. Fucking idiot, he really should have planned out some kind of conversation rather than just thinking he would be able to wing it.
"I'm sorry, I wanted to call sooner but I wasn't sure you'd wanna speak to me..." His words slipped out before he could catch them. He felt ridiculous, he sounded like he was trying to garner sympathy from her, like he hadn't been the one to create this rubble of a relationship.
"Thank you for checking in Austin." Her voice was still soft, she had obviously not interpreted his sentence the way he was worried she would. "How are you going, after seeing everyone and the funeral?"
"I'm okay. I've been keeping busy with work..." He trailed off, not really sure where that sentence was going considering it was completely untrue. He had been writing and playing around but it could hardly be considered keeping busy or work.
"That's really good Austin. It's great that you're putting yourself back out there again."
"Yeah... what about you? Are you putting yourself back out there?" The question rolled off his tongue and he wasn't sure whether he had meant with work or socially. After seeing the pictures today he was pretty sure he knew the answer to both.
"I still need a little time." Her voice was softer, lower, cracking another long fracture in his already splintered heart.
The silence between them felt deafening and almost eternal. "Actually, I am running late so I do need to go but thank you for calling."
"Do you mean that?" He rushed out, needing to get his question out before she ended the call. "I mean, was it really okay that I called?"
"Yeah Austin, it's really okay that you called." She sighed, but again her voice wasn't angry or frustrated. Maybe she actually meant what she said...
"Do you think maybe it would be okay if I called again some time? Just a friendly check in I mean."
"Yes Austin, I think friendly check ins are okay. Take care of yourself okay?"
"I will, you too."
He felt instant relief the second the call ended. It hadn't been the most successful call, it hadn't been filled with flirty banter, there hadn't been any giggling that caused goosebumps to break out on his skin, but she had answered. She had maintained conversation, she had told him it was okay for him to call.
He knew he had to try to keep a level head, one civil conversation that lasted less that five minutes did not exactly mean that she had forgiven him and would be back in his arms within the week.
But Christ, she had answered.
***
"You're awfully smiley today." Brooke unpacked the tubs of pasta she had bought over for dinner while Austin was grabbing the bowls and cutlery from the cabinets.
"It's been a good day." He nodded as he returned to the kitchen island. He handed her a bowl and some tongs to serve herself dinner as he tried to regain control of his facial expressions.
"Oh yeah? Why, what did you get up to?" Brooke asked as she handed the tub of pasta to Austin to serve himself. She headed to the fridge, grabbing out a bottle of water for each of them.
"Mitch came over this morning." His proud smile returned to his lips as he spoke. Brooke had been the only person he'd invited in his house for longer than he cared to remember. For as long as it had been just his house he supposed, and he knew she'd feel as proud of the step he'd taken as he was.
"Austin that's great!" She flung her arms around his neck, pulling him in to a tight hug. "You finally got him over, I'm sure he would have loved that."
"I mean he busted my balls plenty but yeah, it was really good seeing him." He joked as he pulled from her grip. He grabbed his plate and bottle of water and motioned for Brooke to head into the living room as he followed.
He had promised Brooke he would be honest with her, there was no way this relationship would stand a chance if he wasn't. She already knew most of the nitty gritty details, he didn't think there was too much more he could say that would have her running if she hadn't already.
"I um... I also spoke to Kendra..." His voice was more hesitant with these words as he sat down on the couch beside her.
"Oh... okay. Do we need to unpack this?" Brooke asked as she placed her plate down on the coffee table in front of them, turning to face him more fully.
He shook his head as he took a drink from his bottle of water. "There's nothing to unpack Brooke."
"Okay well, did you call her?"
Christ he needed to learn to think before he spoke. He had been getting better at it, he thought he had been at least. He had just been so fucking amazed at the fact she had answered the phone his mind had been in a cloud ever since.
"I wanted to make sure she was okay after Texas."
"That was a month ago Austin." Her voice dripped with concern as did her facial expression. She was so transparent with her feelings, completely unable to hide her views and opinions. Austin was still trying to decide if he appreciated it about her, sometimes he thought he loathed it.
He let out a heavy sigh, regret taking over him. So fucking much for not unpacking it... "It took me a while to work up the courage."
"Okay... and how did it go?"
"It went well... really well."
Her eyes lingered on him for a moment, he knew she was waiting for him to cave and tell her more. He had been so relieved by his conversation with Kendra, had been so proud of himself for actually hitting the button, in a couple of minutes she had tainted that.
"That's great Austin, I'm glad it went well." She smiled as warmly as she could before picking up her plate again.
He knew she was worried about him, she had been there for him and helped stand him back up when his legs weren't able to carry himself. He could understand why his speaking to Kendra had her concerned, but fuck he'd hoped she had more faith in him than that.
"Actually I've been meaning to tell you, I need to make a quick trip out to LA shortly, just work shit." He chose to speak directly to his dinner than to see the look on her face when he told her this.
"Austin."
"I need to catch up with Dre and Cheryl..." He continued pushing his pasta around his bowl as he spoke, ignoring the way her eyes burned into him.
"Austin..."
"It'll probably just be one night if not a day trip..."
"Austin." Her voice was louder this time as she reached over and placed her hand on his forearm. He had avoided her eyes as long as he could, the worry he found in him hitting him with a brick wall of guilt. "Are you sure you're ready for that?"
"I'll be fine, I'm coming back to you."