Everything.
Everything.
But, I mean, it can't be everything. Right? Because, Ellie doesn't know everything, right?
Let's try to remember. What did I tell Ellie that night?
December 2021
"Jesus Christ Tipp," Ellie said, as she saw the state that I was currently in.
"What?" I replied, not able to control my words.
"Come on," Ellie said, trying to get me to stand up. She had seen me at my worst before. She had seen me drunk before, and knew how to handle it, but this time was different. We weren't together.
"No," I said.
"Tipp, don't make me force you up," Ellie said.
"Ell, just go," I said, pushing her off me.
"Tippah..."
"Stop!" I said. "Just stop." Ellie looked at me, before walking away and grabbing a wet cloth from the kitchen, and placing it against my forehead.
"You can't keep doing this to yourself," she soon said.
"Doing what?" I replied.
"Getting drunk. We have a game tomorrow."
"I know."
"Well, Tipp, we need to figure out a way this can stop." I knew that it was happening too often. I wanted to stop but there was something about the warmth alcohol brought me that was unlike anything else.
"We need to not do anything," I replied. I knew I was saying everything wrong but what do people always say: drunk words are sober thoughts.
She went to get a washcloth, placing it over my head, leaning beside me. This part had soon become a foggy memory. I tried to forget it. I tried so hard, but in the end, I couldn't. I remembered it all, despite not wanting to.
"I can't believe it," I said to her.
"Can't believe what?" she asked.
"He died," I responded.
"Who died?" Ellie asked as she held me in her arms. My eyes were barely open; I felt too comfortable in her arms although I knew I shouldn't.
"Michael."
"How ,Tippah? How?" Ellie asked, nervously, but I didn't reply. At least, I don't think I did. To be honest, I hardly remembered anything from that interaction.
I soon fell asleep, only to be awoken a few minutes later. Tears were sprinkling down my cheek as Ellie held me close.
"Tippah, I can't keep doing this," Ellie then said.
"You don't have to do anything."
She soon left, and I was alone. Alone once more. I passed out, and Cat soon found me. I arrived at the hospital, found Eden, and then left Europe, heading home to Australia.
That night, everything changed. It was the catalyst for so much.
Present
I still couldn't remember. I couldn't remember what Ellie knew; I knew that was bad. Horrible. And even so, what did she tell Daan? What happened? Why?
When we got back inside the changing room, I grabbed my phone straight away, moving into the hallway. I looked down trice, making sure no one was near. I then checked the time it would be in Australia, before dialing.
It buzzed three times before a voice answered it...
"Hello?" she said, her voice scratching after, most likely, only just waking up.
"What the fuck did you tell Daan?" I said, under my breath, still scared about people possibly hearing.
"Sorry?" Ellie replied, confused.
"I just had a very angry Danielle Van De Donk come up to me after the game, in which we won 5-1 by the way, and said you told her everything!? What the fuck Ellie? Like I get we aren't friends or whatever, but I would never do that to you. Ever!"
"Take a breath," Ellie soon said. "I didn't tell her anything."
"You sure about that?"
"Well, for starters, I didn't," she said. I chuckled softly, still angry but glad for the little bit of humor I could get. "And secondly, Tipp, I wasn't going to lie to my girlfriend."
Shit. Deep breath. This wasn't about that evening, it was about the Euros. It was about the night Ellie stayed over. Thank fuck.
"Oh."
"All I said is that I stayed over. Nothing more. Nothing less. I said nothing happened because its true tipp. Nothing happened." She said this with such force and confidence, I believed her, even though I knew in my heart something did happen, even if it wasn't physical.
"Oh."
"What did you think I said?" Ellie asked, playing naive.
"Don't worry."
"I told her not to say anything to Leah, if thats what your worried about." Ellie said this sincerely, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Okay."
"But, Tipp, lies aren't good. We both know that."
"I never lied to you, Ell."
"Well you withheld the truth," she responded.
"Hardly. You knew everything."
"Not about Eden," she replied.
"I found out the night Cat found me! You know that. And we were broken up, Ell. I wasn't going to come running back to you."
"I know..." she answered. "But- sometimes I wish you would've. We're still connected, Tipp, even though you try to deny and deny." She was right. Old habits never die hard. I felt so much pull to her I often had to manually stop myself from trying to talk and reach her. My heart was telling me what to do but my head was containing me.
"That night..." Ellie started to say. "You told me something."
"I did?" I asked, hoping she may be able to fill in some blanks.
"I'm not sure whether it was the apparent alcohol or whether it was true."
"What did I see Ellie?"
"You said Michael died..."
"So I did tell you?" I confirmed.
"Yeah, you did and-"
"What else did I say?" I said, putting my head in my hands as I was on the phone.
"You said someone killed me." I listened intently, trying to listen to the rest of her words. "You said that-" But a voice soon started to speak. "-did it." I looked up; Leah was standing there. I missed what Ellie said. I couldn't hear. I didn't hear
"You okay?" Leah asked. I was still on the phone.
"I have to go," I said to Ellie, turning my phone off quickly.
"Who was that?" Leah asked.
"Finn," I replied, lying. It was an unconscious habit.
"Cool. we're about to go, you ready?"
"Yeah." We walked together, and I was trying to replay the conversation. What did I say? Who did I say? I knew I knew, but how and who, those were questions I still didn't have the answers to yet, but at least I knew something more. Ellie had them. Ellie had the answers.