Sleeping in was great. Snuggling into the covers for an extra two hours was much needed to combat the stress the past week had given me. When I finally decided to wake up, it was already 11am and time to munch on some cereal. As I poured myself some milk, I got the text from Cash I was waiting for.
Here's the address. Can you be there by noon? - C
Plugging the address into my Maps, my smile dimmed and my eyebrows scrunched in confusion. This led me straight to the hospital. What was going on? Why did Cash want to meet there?
I figured I would find out. After eating as quickly as I could, I hopped into the car and drove to meet him there. Hospitals scared me sometimes. They usually had like 6 different buildings, and the arrows in the parking lot to lead you to the current place were so confusing that I usually ended up on the opposite end of where I needed to be. Luckily, when I spotted Ace's truck and Jeremiah's Jeep right next to each other, it wasn't hard to guess which building to walk into. As I walked up to the building, I spotted the sign. Oncology in big bold letters.
Oncology. Wasn't that cancer?
I headed inside, and three soccer boys were already waiting there. Ace, Jeremiah, and Chandler. When they saw me, they gave a little wave.
"Cash is heading out to meet us. He said he should be at the front soon," Jeremiah said, holding his phone outwards to show he had been messaging him.
"Okay. What's going on?"
Ace shrugged, although his face showed extreme concern. "I have no idea. He hasn't said anything to us. Just to meet us here."
"I thought he had gotten the address wrong at first. I even asked him to double check and he said it was correct," The Boar supplied.
Just then, Cash walked through the double doors. His eyes seemed tired as usual, and his hair was wild and untamed. He walked over to the nurse at the front desk, who gave him a friendly smile as if she knew him.
"Hey, what's up?" She asked, as if her and Cash were friends.
"These are my friends. Can they get the visitor forms?"
She spun her head around to greet us and gave a nod. After handing us some clipboards and pens, she asked us to jot all our information down. "These are just standard questions we ask all our visitors to fill out."
We filled it out quickly, handed it off to her, and then followed Cash past the doors. He waved at a few nurses, and they all waved back to him. Chandler and Jeremiah shared a look. Ace bit down on his lip and kept his eyes forward. We seemed to know where this was heading, and I tried to gulp the lump down my throat as my airway tightened. I really didn't want this to be what I thought it was.
Cash stopped in front of a door reading 178 and knocked lightly before entering.
"Hey mom," he said softly. I could hear the strain in his voice as he tried to keep himself together.
One by one we all entered. There was his mom, sitting in her hospital bed with a weak smile on her face. Her eyes drooped slightly, and each time she blinked, it was slow, as if she was having trouble keeping her eyes open. She had hair on her head, but what was once shiny ginger was now a dull dark orange. I tried not to stare too hard at the little bald spots I could see peeking through on her scalp. She was undoubtedly going through chemo, but I didn't know for what.
Her room had been decorated. The white walls held photos of her and Cash together, and her nightstand was stacked with letters saying "Get Well Soon."
Slowly, the pieces began to fall into place. Cash's strange behavior. Him skipping school and getting into fights.
"Hi son. Are these your friends?" She asked her son, who nodded. "Oh I remember you three! You play on the soccer team with Cash."
Ace supplied her with a warm smile. "Yes we do. We've all been together since freshman year."
His mom moved her curious eyes slowly to me. "And who is this?"
"This is my friend Jessica. She's in my trig class together and she's best friends with Ace here." Cash patted Ace's shoulder so his mother could know who it was.
"Oh that's nice. I would stand up and give you all hugs, but I'm not feeling well today."
The smile came to my face as I tried to bite back any pity I felt. I knew she didn't want my pity, and it probably made her feel worse when people looked at her with a sorry expression for being in this situation.
"It's okay. You're welcome to rest if you need it."
She sent me a grateful gaze. "Thank you. My head just really feels heavy today. I can barely keep it up. I appreciate you all for stopping by. I love meeting Cash's friends. You can come by to visit more often too."
We all nodded, and Cash went to kiss his mom on the forehead before leading us all back out. We said nothing as we walked down the halls, just taking in the scene that was in front of us only moments ago. Chandler seemed unusually quiet. Once we got back to the front, Cash turned around and faced us.
"Yeah, so that's what I wanted to show y'all." Jeremiah gave him a glare and softly punched his arm, which caused Cash to yelp. "Ow! What was that for?"
"Why haven't you told us sooner? How long has this been going on?"
Cash dropped his gaze to the ground as he rubbed his arm. "Well we found out in October, like right before homecoming. They said it had already started to spread, and needed to start chemo as soon as possible. At first she was driving herself to her appointments, and then I was driving her, but then she started getting really weak, and she was in extreme pain from treatment. She didn't want me to have to drive her anymore, so she agreed with the doctors to stay as a long term patient until she gathers some strength."
"What does she have exactly?" I asked.
"Breast cancer." The words came out softly and hesitantly, like saying them made them true. A range of emotions swept through Cash's eyes after, sadness, anger, fear. I felt like suddenly Cash was very far away, even though he was only standing a few feet from us.
My feet were moving before I could stop them. Cash looked surprised as I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into a hug, but he didn't protest. Slowly his arms came around me too, and he let out a long breath. The other boys quickly came and surrounded us with a group hug, and I could hear Cash sniffling in my ear, trying hard not to cry.
"Thank you for trusting us enough to tell us. This must've been so hard for you to deal with all by yourself," I said.
"Yeah, never again though," Jeremiah said. "What are friends for if not to help you through hard times? We're always here for you, no matter what. Don't always try to go through things alone."
Cash tried to steady his breathing before he spoke. "Actually I told Jessica a while ago when she was really drunk, because I knew she wouldn't remember. I just didn't know how to tell anyone else quite yet. I didn't want to make it more real than it already was. I just wanted school to feel kind of normal."
My mouth flew open, and we all separated as I pushed myself from Cash. "You told me? You're right, I really don't remember."
"Yeah, it was one of the homecoming parties. I can't remember if it was Friday or Saturday. No wait, you didn't go on Friday, right?"
"Oh that's right."
Ace pulled Cash into a hug. "Look, you punk. We will always be there for you no matter what. Anything you need during this time, let us know."
Cash scratched the back of his head. "If I think of something, I'll let you know."
Tears pricked at my eyes. I couldn't even begin to imagine what Cash was going through. His mom meant everything to him. She was his best friend. My mom meant everything to me too, and I didn't ever want to go through life without her. Cash didn't have anyone else either. I had both my parents still, but Cash's dad was out of the picture. Anguish wrapped around my heart. Why did Cash have to go through this? He was such a good guy, and his mom seemed like such a sweetheart as well.
"Are you gonna be alright financially?" Ace asked. "These hospital bills must be expensive."
Cash drew in a shaky breath. "I honestly don't know. Right now, we're barely keeping up. My mom told me not to worry, but I was thinking of getting a job or something to help pay it off. All of my savings for college is going to this right now. Insurance is paying part of it, and my mom tries to talk with people from different financial assistance agencies when she's not feeling tired."
I placed my hand on Cash's shoulder. "I know it's hard not to, but don't stress yourself out too much. You're stretching yourself too thin. You need rest too. I'm sure your mom wouldn't want you going through life like this. How much sleep do you get at night?"
Cash seemed hesitant to say it, but said the words anyways. "M-Maybe like 2-3 hours. I just can't seem to get more than that. Not in that house. Walking into an empty house makes me feel like shit, and I can't sleep."
"Not a problem," Jeremiah stated and clapped him on the back. "You can stay with me."
Cash closed his eyes before giving a sigh of relief. "Actually, I would like that." When he opened them again, he gave a nod. "Alright, I'm gonna head back in and check on her. Thanks again for visiting."
We waved goodbye, and he turned on his heel and went back through the hospital doors. The three of us stood there in silence for a little, not knowing what to say.
"Wow," Chandler said after a moment's pause. "I can't believe he's been dealing with that on his own. We had no idea."
"Yeah," was all that Ace could say.
I finally let the tears spill over. The guys turned to me, and it seemed Jeremiah and Chandler were panicked, not knowing exactly what to do.
"I'm sorry, I was trying to hold it in so Cash wouldn't see."
Ace's arms were wrapped around me before I could comprehend what was happening. I quickly adjusted to his warmth and found it comforting to relax into his shoulders. He stroked my hair slowly as I willed the hot tears to slow down.
"It's okay," Ace spoke softly, continuing to stroke my hair in a soothing motion. I let his scent consume me, calming me down with the familiarity.
"I just wish we could do something. He doesn't deserve this. His mom doesn't deserve this."
"Sometimes life is unfair to good people," Jeremiah said with a sigh.
Chandler still stood in shock, barely registering what was happening. He clearly wasn't good with handling emotions, but apparently neither was I. We were on total opposites of the spectrum, him keeping everything in, and me letting everything out.
"There has to be something we can do," Ace reasoned as he slowly let go of me. He cupped my face in his hands and wiped the tears with his thumbs. "Are you okay now?"
I nodded and gave a weak smile. "Yeah, I guess. But you're right. We have to do something. Maybe there's some kind of fundraiser we can set up or something to help him raise money."
"That sounds like a good idea," Jeremiah followed. "If we could maybe do some sort of crowdfunding to help him out, it might make a big difference."
"We can't do it without his permission though. He would take it the wrong way," Chandler reasoned.
Ace nodded in agreement. "Yeah, we've got to come up with a plan and then let him know before we do anything. He'll definitely want to be involved either way. It's his mother."
"Alright, let's try to all come up with some ideas. Maybe we could ask the principal and see if we're able to get the school involved," I said.
"That would be a really good idea if we could," Ace replied.
Jeremiah's phone went off, and he dug into his pocket to retrieve it. Looking at the message quickly, he answered us as he tapped his fingers rapidly on the screen.
"Well I've got to go back home now, but we can't let this fall through the cracks. I'll text some ideas to y'all later if I can think of any."
We waved him off.
"Yeah, I've actually got to get ready for therapy."
Chandler's eyes widened. "Jess, you go to therapy? What for?"
I let out a nervous chuckle and shrugged. "Just because."
I was not about to tell Chandler my family business. We were getting close, but we weren't that close.
"Okay, I got the message," he replied with his hands up defensively. "I'm gonna go home too. I'll see you guys next week at school."
Now it was just me and Ace. I turned to him with a red tinge on my cheeks that I couldn't hide.
"Um, thank you for earlier. The hug. It really helped calm me down."
Ace gave me a small smile, along with a side hug. "Of course. When I saw you cry, I couldn't even help myself. It was almost like it was on instinct."
My eyebrows raised. "On instinct, huh? I must be a really important friend to you then."
The soccer boy's smile dimmed, and an unknown emotion swirled in his eyes. "You have no idea how important you are, Jess."
I could feel my heart beating out of my chest and the heat rising to my ears at his words. I knew he didn't mean it how I wanted him to mean it, but damn hearing the words still made my legs buckle.
My fist connected with his upper arm to lighten to moment.
"Don't say things like that. People will get the wrong idea!"
"Ow," was his reply as he rubbed his arm. "Seriously Jess. Sometimes you are too violent."
We began walking outside together.
"I parked right next to you," I told him so he didn't think I was following him.
"Oh okay."
The rest of the walk was silent. When we got to the cars, I gave him a wave and began walking to the driver's side of my car.
"Hey Jess wait."
I stopped in my tracks to face him, and when I spun around he was already in front of me.
"I know this probably isn't the time to do this but...do you think...?" His voice faltered, and his eyebrows furrowed as I saw his brain contemplating how to form the words. "Do you think maybe... Have you ever wondered if best friends can be...more?"
I blinked repeatedly. "Um, what?"
Ace rubbed the back of his neck, and his ears were bright red. "Uh, how did your talk with Vince go?"
Was that...Was that supposed to be a related question or was it supposed to be separate?
I let out an awkward laugh. "Well it didn't go good, but I guess it didn't go bad either," I responded.
"What do you mean?"
No, what did he mean? Was I tracking correctly what he had been asking me? Had he heard about Vince and Camila maybe? Of course, he thought they also were seemingly too suspicious to be just best friends.
"I ended things with him, because I do believe best friends can be more."
His Adam's apple suddenly bobbed up and down, his eyes drifting across my face, searching for some sort of reaction. "What? Repeat that."
"I ended things."
"Because?"
"Because I think him and his best friend might be more than friends."
Ace's shoulder's slumped down, and his mouth was set into a slight frown, almost as if he was disappointed in something. "Oh," he muttered. "Yeah, sorry. Forget I asked. I'll see you tomorrow right? I'm still picking you up to come to the house."
I shot him my best smile, even though I was utterly confused on what had just happened. "Yeah, of course. I'll see you there."
***
"Two sessions down!" I told my brother with a playful nudge.
His eyes locked with mine, and he gave me a sincere smile. "Yeah. You know it hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be."
Today we talked more about our childhood without dad, and Dalia even gave us some insight into possible alternatives on how children perceive certain situations when they're young. She did it in a way that didn't discredit our feelings, but instead offered us a different avenue to explore on previous experiences we had been through. She gave us some more homework. This time, on keeping a journal of words that we heard throughout the week that triggered us and why they were a trigger. So far, I felt really happy with the therapy, and even felt like it was preparing us to voice our opinions when it came to dad.
I thought back on a particular part of the session today when Dalia had spoken about our father.
"So your dad will be back for good now. No more Navy. How does that make you two feel?"
Landon was quick to speak up. "Well, he definitely can't make up for lost time that easily, and he can't expect me to act like he's been there for us this whole time...but if he really tries, I would be open to hearing him out."
"What about you Jessica?"
I took a moment to consider my words. "I'm a bit nervous, for Landon more than myself because I'm leaving for college next year anyway. At the same time though, we haven't been under the same roof as Dad for more than 4 months since I was 12. A lot has changed from that time. I'm not the same little girl he remembers, and Landon isn't the same 10 year old either. I just hope that he realizes that and respects us. Our mom trusts us enough to make a lot of our own decisions, partly because she doesn't have the time or ability to make every decision on her own, but also because she knows us. We're not crazy kids. We don't get in trouble, and we have good grades. It seems whenever Dad comes back, he takes some of our power away, and I need him to understand I'm not comfortable with that. I'm also excited though. I didn't think Dad would retire before I moved out of the house, so being able to connect and bond with him before I leave to college is something I want to cherish."
Speaking so openly about feelings like this was making me realize a lot of things about myself that I hadn't seen before, especially with Dalia's guidance. I understood now why I was usually uncomfortable with talking to males. I learned that my defense mechanism was similar to my dad's in which I kind of just blew a fuse. I'd say both Landon and I inherited that from him. I also learned that there was a lot more to learn about myself than I even thought possible, and that if I wanted to unlearn some of my habits or ways of thinking, two measly therapy sessions weren't going to cut it.
This also really solidified my decision to major in psychology as well. I knew a lot of people majored in psychology, and most of them backed out or were just doing it for fun, but I really wanted to help people in just the way that Dalia was helping. We were a broken family, and we were slowly but surely benefiting from her expertise. I wanted to do that for a lot of families.
"Arcade and ice cream?" Landon asked.
"Mmmm, I actually kind of ended things with Vince so I don't want to go to the arcade, just in case he's working today or something. Ice cream sounds great though. Wanna go to that place near the house?"
Landon nodded. "Yeah sounds good. Good thing I never stopped being Team Ace."
Hearing my brother say those words almost made me happy for some reason.
***
This was a really sad chapter for me to write :( but it explains why Cash has been acting out lately.
According to the CDC, every year in the United States approximately 264,000 women and 2,400 men are diagnosed with breast cancer. Most people know someone that has been diagnosed. I've known a few in my family, and fortunately they have survived. This is an important subplot for me.
For all the women here, be sure to keep up with your regular scheduled women's screenings and health check ups. Prevention or catching things early may save your life. If someone you know has been diagnosed with breast cancer or any cancer, family support is so important. If you feel alone, know that you are not alone and reach out to someone to confide in.
Chiara x