It all happened at once.
We were together, watching a movie on my basement couch. Her stomach problems were getting worse, so it didn't surprise me when she stood up to go to the bathroom.
I should have warned her more.
I should have made her go to the doctor.
She stood up and started walking and I should have stopped her. I should have made her sit down.
She shouldn't have been with me to begin with. She should have been at home.
Fuck that, she should have been at a hospital.
The way her body fell to the ground. Like everything was suddenly sucked out of her. I thought it was all a joke at first, but no one would hit the ground like that if their brain could do something about it.
After that it was running.
Running, shaking, screaming, shaking.
She didn't look back up at me. She wasn't there to tell me that she was okay.
I started quietly. "Mom... mom, mom, mom," I got louder as I yelled to her. "Mom, mom, mom, MOM."
"Honey, wha-" she saw me holding her when she came downstairs.
"Call an ambulance, now," I cried as I cradled her head in my arms.
She ran upstairs and I kept trying to jolt Emma awake. It took a little while longer, but she started to come through.
"Israel, what's going on?"
I stared into her eyes, my heart running frantically in my chest. "Emma, you fainted. You got up to go to the bathroom and collapsed on the ground."
"I think I'll be okay," she said as she tried to focus her eyes on me. "I just need to get my bearings again. Here, help me up."
She tried to grab my arm to pull on, but I held her down on the ground. "It's okay. Help is on the way, you don't need to worry about anything."
Her eyes started to open wider. "Wait, Israel... what do you mean by help? You better just mean you or your mom or..." her head began to drop back down, but I shook her awake once again.
"Emma, you're going to be okay. Don't worry. Everything is going to be okay."
We stayed like that for an eternity. I kept her head up while she said whatever she could to me. The EMT's came into our basement behind my mom's lead, and I watched them carry Emma onto a gurney and into the back of an ambulance.
It seemed like she was trying to fight it, but it wasn't much. Her consciousness still played a tug of war as she disappeared behind the doors.
I stood outside my door while my mind tried to make sense of everything that was happening. I tried to rationalize it, make sense of it, and convince myself everything was going to be okay. None of it worked.
I only knew one thing: I needed to get to that hospital.
I ran to my car, cranked the ignition, and floored it behind the ambulance. My tires skidded in the snow as I desperately tailed it. Wind whipped my steering wheel back and forth as I fought through the night lights. My vision glowing with spasms of red and blue.
I pulled furiously into a parking spot and stumbled through the snow towards the glowing red Emergency Room sign.
I felt drunk. My legs weren't under my control anymore. I wasn't thinking. I just needed to be next to her.
I barged through the entrance and ran to the front desk.
"You need to let me get in," I said frantically. My jaw was trembling.
The receptionist looked taken aback. "And who are you here to see?"
"Emma McKenzie. She just got admitted. I need to be back there with her."
She calmly looked through her records. Like she couldn't understand what I was asking. Like she lived in a different reality. "I don't see her in the files anywhere yet. So if you would-"
"NO!" I put a hand up , trying to calm down. "Look, I need to go back there. She's alone and probably scared, and I... I just need to get back there."
"Are you a family member or spouse?" she asked.
"I'm her boyfriend. Please, her family's not here yet. I'm her boyfriend." Tears ran down my cheeks. "I need to see her. I'm not her family, but I can call them. I-I'm her boyfriend."
She looked at me longingly. I knew her answer. "I'm sorry," she said.
I didn't walk away at first. I just stood there. I didn't look at the receptionist, and she didn't look at me. I just watched my teardrops collide with her desk. I wondered how many other people have done the same.
My phone vibrated. I took it out.
Mom: I got through to Emma's parents. They're on their way. Keep me updated. I'm so sorry.
I didn't bother to respond. I put my phone back in my pocket and silently thanked the receptionist. I found a seat next to someone with their arm in a sling. On the other side of me was a woman sitting still. She didn't seem to be staring at anything. Just vacant.
I don't know how much time passed before Emma's parents rushed into the waiting room as well. I didn't see them at first because my head was shielded by my hands. But I recognized their frantic voices. I looked up to see them talking with the receptionist. She unlocked the door for them and pointed to what room Emma was in.
The receptionist made eye contact with me for a split second, but quickly looked away. I didn't blame her.
I put my head back into the comfort of my hands. Cold liquid shocked my cheeks for a second, but it was quickly warmed to my skin temperature. It made it easier to pretend it wasn't even there.
--
I've been here for hours. Nurses have offered me food, water, comfort, and lots of other things that wouldn't help right now. I just wanted answers.
A nurse came to my waiting room and interrupted my third hour of watching the second-hand swing around on the clock.
"Israel Taylor, the room is now open for you. Please, follow me."
She led me through the stark white hallways into one of the private rooms on the third floor. I walked in and saw Emma with her mom and dad. When she saw me, she gestured at her parents and they got up from her bedside. As they walked out of the room, her dad placed his hand on my shoulder. "You did the right thing. Thank you."
I nodded and walked over to Emma. "You know, that was the first time I've ever seen your mom. That was also the most words your dad has ever said to me at once."
She laughed a bit as I sat at the foot of her bed.
"Any news?" I said.
"Not yet, they ran a couple of tests. I got x-rays, scans, fluids, the works."
"What did they think it was?"
"At first they thought it might be my appendix. They wouldn't have been surprised about the fainting if it had been this long without being treated, but they don't think it is anymore."
I was scared to ask another question. I assumed that if Emma had good news, she would have told me by now. "Do they have any other clues?"
"Well, it could be very intense menstrual cramps or something. I tuned them out right when they started talking about it. It could be something wrong with my stomach, my intestines, my heart. Could be cancer, could be anything."
We both fell silent. I kept looking over at her and her at me. I grabbed her hand, careful not to touch the IV in around it.
"Well the good news is," I began, "if you can look this good after everything that's happened, I don't think you could ever look bad."
"Oh, be quiet," she laughed.
"So... do you remember what happened?"
"Honestly, I don't know. I walked back to the bathroom because it started hurting really bad, but getting off of your couch is the last thing I remember with any sort of clarity."
"How are you feeling?"
She clenched my hand. "Just don't go too far away anymore, okay?"
We got interrupted as the doctor walked into the rom. She held the door for Emma's parents and walked up to the bed.
"I would like to please ask all non-family members to step out of the room for now." She spoke softly and eloquently.
I started to get up, but Emma grabbed my arm. "Please, he's okay."
"Miss, I understand. If I could, though, it'll just be a minute."
The doctor gestured for me to get out and I obliged.
Maybe she didn't come in with news, I thought. Perhaps it's just another check-up. She probably wanted Emma to do more tests before they made the final decision.
The door closed behind me, and the doctor went back over to Emma's bedside. I looked in from the small window on their door. She took out her clipboard and I saw her mouth moving. I convinced myself that she was talking about more tests.
She was telling them about how the results were only inconclusive at this point, and she needed more nights in the hospital. She was saying how it's probably nothing and she just ate some bad seafood.
She was telling them all of the reasons why they shouldn't be afraid.
Emma's face turned white. Her dad stumbled into a chair and covered his mouth. I raised my hands up to my head in disbelief, my steps fumbling.
Emma's mom pulled her hair and crumbled down. Emma just looked blank.
The doctor walked out of the room. She almost ran into me, but fixed her composure and kept walking. Her eyes shimmered next to her furrowed eyebrows.
I backed away from the room, my eyes still glued onto the three of them. I tripped into a chair and kept my gaze. Not blinking, not breathing, just staring.
I stayed in my seat, daydreaming. I imagined a world where none of this happened. Somewhere where Emma and I would walk out of this hospital unscathed. She would make a joke, and I would laugh. We would both have security knowing that the hospital isn't a place we'll need to worry about for decades.
My eyes flashed back to the cold tiling. I looked up at the TV, trying to distract myself. I saw news headlines, thinking that the happy ones are out of place, and the sad ones are disrespectful. I looked back at the doorway Emma's room. The door was open. She was standing in it.
She was looking at me. We locked eyes and she and beckoned me in.
Getting up was hard, but walking was even harder. My muscles didn't work. I couldn't move properly. My mind wanted to live in this world of skepticism for just a little bit longer.
I opened the doors. Emma coughed and wiped her puffy eyes with her sleeve.
"Just sit over there, we only have a little bit until my parents get back from the cafeteria. I told them I wanted a snack to get them out of here."
I was shocked at how broken her voice sounded. Someone else must have been talking for her. I did what she asked.
"So, I'll just say it, I guess..." She got choked up again, but put her hand on her chest and coughed. "They said that the stomach aches were due to a tumor on my pancreas, and they have concluded from the tests that it's cancerous."
My jaw dropped and my throat caught all sound from coming out. Blood rushed out of my face.
"The funny thing about pancreatic cancer is," she continued, her voice getting worse, "once the symptoms start to show, there's a good chance that it's already spread throughout the body. That's what happened." She rubbed her nose. "My X-ray was like a fucking light show, Israel. Like that night we went stargazing."
One tear burned my cheek. More than a few had already hit hers.
"But, here's the sucker punch that takes the cake," her voice was almost hysterical at this point. "The doctor," she paused and put her hand to her chest. "The doctor said that I have... Um..." She opened her mouth but no words came out.
She reached down and pulled out a piece of notebook paper from the desk and grabbed a pen. Tears fell onto the paper as she wrote. She folded it over and handed it to me.
I unfolded it with trembling hands. My heart stopped.
one month, maybe two.
I reread it, waiting for the punchline. My mind fought to find a different meaning to the four words on that paper. It came up short.
I looked up at her. She shrugged as she cried. I stood up and threw the paper away from me. We locked our arms and she dug her face into my chest. I held her head against me and whispered things into her ears as she weeped.
We stood there, holding one another closer with every bitter reminder of our new reality.
Both of us fiercely tried to grab hope out of thin air and through each other.
We broke apart and looked out the window. Emma's parents were both standing outside, looking in. I looked at Emma and wiped a tear off of her face. I looked back at them and opened the door to the room.
I stayed quiet while we were all together. It still didn't feel quite real to me.
I feared the more I talked about it, the more real it may become. I hoped, now more than ever, that my thoughts and wishes might speak louder than reality.
I wanted to take her away. Go somewhere so far away that even death can't reach us. Hide somewhere so secret that cancer can't find us. It would only be me and her. There would be no heartbreak, no loss, no one, two, or three months left.
I flashed back to the present moment and looked at my watch. It was almost time to get up for school. I decided it would be best to call my mom so that she could ease her mind about me. I reached for the phone and dialed her number. I excused myself and let her parents be alone with her.
"Hello?" The voice was soft and muffled. I must have woken her up.
It surprised me that the entire world wasn't awake to hear the news with me.
"Hi, I just wanted to say that I'm still at the hospital. Just in case you were wondering about me."
"Oh, honey, don't worry about it. How is everything."
I fell silent for a second. "Everything is okay. We're still waiting for a decision."
It felt good to lie to her. Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
"Well, tell me when they figure out anything. Oh, Israel, I hope you're not worried."
I fought back a catch in my throat. "Don't worry about me mom. I'll be fine."
The second lie I told her.
I hung up the phone and returned to the room. Emma was spaced off, looking at the wall.
"Emma," I said.
She slightly turned my way, keeping her gaze in its same glossed-over state.
"Emma, I might go home." The words broke out of my mouth like shattered glass.
She started shaking her head. "No. No, no, no, no. Please stay. Here, let's go for a walk. I need to get out of this bed anyways."
She started to get out of her bed and held onto the contraption holding her IV. I put my keys back into my pocket and helped her.
"Emma are you sure you don't want to-"
"I need a walk, Israel. I need you to walk with me."
I held her hand as we walked out of the room together. I held the door for her as she walked through, her hospital gown flowing behind her. She made sure that all of her tubes were outside of the door before we closed it.
We started walking.
Silence covered the hall. It made our footsteps louder, more sobering. Neither of us knew what to say or how to say it. We spoke enough through our sighs, her feet drags, the strength of our handhold, and the vacant look in both of our eyes.
I didn't know what to say. There was no we're getting through this, there was no get well soon. There wasn't anything.
I couldn't pretend that nothing happened, but I couldn't comprehend that everything did just happen. We were caught in some limbo that I couldn't get out of.
"So... how has your day been?" I smiled in her direction and she let out a half-hearted laugh.
"I have a test today. Think this'll get me out of it?" She responded.
We laughed and kept walking. Our voices were the only ones echoing through the halls. It feels weird to admit, but it felt nice. I felt calm.
"Really though. What are you thinking about?"
"I think I'm going numb," she said quickly. Like she had been thinking about it. "How are you supposed to actually believe you have a month to live? It's a fucking hypothetical question, not a diagnosis."
I didn't know what to say so I put my arm around her.
"I had planned things for the future," she said. "Kids, vacations, schools, everything. When I woke up this morning, I was worried about where I was going to go to college."
We walked in silence for some time longer. I didn't know what to say. I moved my thumb across the back of her palm. I pulled her closer, walked slower.
She spoke up again. "Do you just want to go take a nap?"
"Yeah," I said. "Yeah I do. Maybe when we wake up, this will all be a dream," I joked.
She thought some more before she spoke up again. "But if we wake up and it isn't, does that mean we're living in a nightmare?"
Maybe.
I checked my watch. School had already started. Maybe that meant that Emma's parents would go soon as well. We talked more like normal as we walked back to the room. The brutal facts still lingered above us, but they were a little bit out of our reach for a few moments.
We got back to her room, and her parents were waiting on the bed. Their arms were wrapped around each other.
"Honey," her dad started. "What do you want to do today?"
She looked at me. "Honestly, you two go to work. They haven't discharged me yet and they want a doctor to talk to me. I'll be here for a while, and I'd hate to be worried about how worried you are about me all day. Maybe a normal day would let this settle. We can digest all of this."
"Emma, we won't leave you," her mom added.
"Seriously. I need to think about it. Alone. And I need some sleep. Just at least for a few hours."
"If you wish. We told both of our bosses the news, so if you change your mind, just call."
"Sounds good," Emma said as she got into bed.
"Israel," her mom asked. "Do you want to walk out with us?"
I panicked. "Oh, no. Actually, I was hoping to spend some time-"
"Israel and I are going to take a nap together," Emma put plainly.
Her parents were taken aback, but they said nothing. Her dad opened his mouth for a second, but closed it. When they left the room, I turned back towards Emma.
"Israel," she began. "I think I can do whatever the hell I want."
I shrugged my arms and crawled into her small bed with her. I put my arm around her, and she rested her head on my chest.
"I know that you'd be lying," she began. "But can you just tell me once that everything is going to be okay?"
"It will."
She hugged me harder after that. We laid on the bed, holding each other close. I had a million questions racing through my mind, each of which could only be answered by a god. I took a deep breath to clear my mind, and Emma did the same. Somewhere along the way, our brains finally gave into our bodies' demands, and we both drifted off to sleep.