I haven't heard from her for days. She hasn't been at school all week, and no one knows where she is.
I can't talk to her, but I want to be prepared for when she lets me. I do my best thinking at night, so I made sure I stayed wide awake. I didn't want coffee, so tonight I slipped myself into a bathtub filled with ice and water. It was one in the morning, but the cold made it feel like three in the afternoon.
I worked through the night. I tried to paint, write, and listen my way out of this. I needed to figure myself out. I thought back to what Stew said about what I've been doing. I was so caught up in someone new that I forgot what mattered. But I was done going into Free Fall every chance I got. Emma is worth a parachute, and I'm not going to get that by rushing out the plane as soon as it takes off.
I ended the night sitting on my floor with my diary in my hands. I had crumpled up pieces of paper all over my room. Paint covered the hardwood and walls. I was looking through my diary, trying to find clues. I looked for stories I've written about her, trying to discover my solution through them.
I had a hold of something, and even though it wasn't her, it felt like her. It brought me back to her. I know I can't take this feeling for granted, so I did what I always do when I start to feel something: I wrote.
My music was playing loud enough to feel the rhythm course through me. I started the letter with something easy: Dear Emma.
Dear Emma,
When I was a kid, I had terrible separation anxiety. Any thought of being alone, or being around people I didn't trust, terrified me. I'd give up on sleep overs because I didn't want to leave my family. I'd miss out on trips because I'd be away from home for too long. My life was dictated by where my parents and closest friends were.
I don't know what made me change, but I eventually did, little by little. I started playing sports with new friends. I joined clubs, picked up hobbies. I started sleeping over more, hanging out more.
It took space for me to grow. But, once I trusted myself to take a few steps outside of my comfort zone, my life got better. My relationships got better. I just wish I treated you the same way.
I have this habit of jumping into things too quickly, too harshly. When it comes to love, I burn quickly. I become too dependent. I did that with you.
But building takes time, and it takes trust. It takes space. Now I know that. We're both going to have lives, independent of each other. I know there are going to be times when I'm not with you, or when you don't want me with you. There are thing's that I haven't told you yet about me, and there are things that you haven't told me about you. And that's okay. We have time. I just got scared, and 'm sorry that I tried to make your past about me. I'm sorry I tried to insert myself into your history, your story.
I can't see what you do when I'm not around. The way you talk, or the friends you make. But, I hope I can meet them someday. When I'm not around, I can't hear what you say or see what you do. But I hope I can be on your side even when I'm not there holding your hand.
If you want me to leave you alone, that's what I'll do. But I'm ready to listen. I'm ready to trust you.
Please come back, Emma. I want to learn.
Call me when you're ready. Please. I just want to know that you're okay.
Israel
I tore it out of my journal and folded it into an envelope. I wanted to give it to Emma, but I knew she wouldn't be there. I looked at my clock; 5:00 am. I would deliver it the next day, I decided, and finally turned out my light.
I passed by the McKenzie's house in my car. I parked a block away so Emma wouldn't see my car. I walked up to her front step with the folded paper in my hand. Her dad answered the door.
"Hi, how can I help you," he said matter-of-factly. Like he wasn't actually asking a question, just saying the words.
"Hi, I... know Emma from school. I just wanted to make sure she got this."
I heard some ruffling at the top of the stairs, but I didn't try to see who it was.
"Is she in trouble? What is this."
"Oh no, no, not in trouble. She just... well, it just has some important stuff in it for a project we need to work on together."
He looked confused. "Okay... I'll give it to her."
He didn't hesitate with goodbyes and shut the door behind him. I left for home and waited to see if I would get a reaction.
I spent the day doing nothing other than waiting by my phone. I hesitated to redial her number but decided against it. If she wanted to talk to me, she would call.
I got into my car and drove around once more. I got a call from my mom right after I left about how she just started making dinner, but I lied and told her I was eating with Stew. The sun set as I wandered around the city. I drove downtown, in the suburbs, filled up on gas, then tried to go further out.
I drove out of equal parts finding her and helping myself. I played music as loud as it would go and let myself be calmed by my foot on the pedal. The control over my car was a familiar friend, helping me cope with the mayhem everywhere else.
The sun was down and I was driving on a highway far enough out that the only light I saw came from my own headlights. I pulled over my car to look outside at the stars, getting transported back to times when none of this was a problem.
Back to before I even knew Emma. Back before I messed it all up.
I finally sat down on the ground and let my mind take over. I spent the entire night trying to distract myself from it, but a silent night under the stars isn't a time to be distracted; it's a time to give in. It calmed me, but the rest didn't last long. My phone started vibrating in my pocket, and I raced to take it out.
It was from Emma.
I hesitated for a moment before I answered it. I hoped she would call for the past three days, but I never planned out what I would say when she did.
I slid to accept the call. "Emma."
There was no noise on the other end of the line other than breathing. I continued. "Look, I messed up. I'm so sorry. I was an idiot, and I should have just trusted you to tell me what you wanted me to know. I just... I want to see you."
Silence.
"I'm in my car. Can I come pick you up? W-Where are you?
There was a sniff on the other side of the line and a deep breath. "I'm at the bottom of my rollercoaster."
There was another sniff, and she ended the phone call. I leaned back against my tire and looked up at the sky. I thought about how much I must have hurt her, but I came across something and jerked awake. The bottom of her rollercoaster. That sounded familiar, but I wasn't sure of where.
Suddenly, it was clear. I knew where she was, but I didn't know how to get there. I got into my car and slammed my foot on the gas.
I looked in every park in the area, but I couldn't see her. I checked ones by her house, ones by my house, and all of them in between. I didn't see her, so I started looking at elementary schools. I didn't see her there either, and I was running low on gas.
I thought I was onto something, but I didn't know where she would be. I broadened my search to anything that might have a playground, and I came across a child development center on the other side of town.
I played over what I would say while I drove over. I was afraid my mouth was going to mess it up. I wanted to go home and write out another letter, that way I couldn't stumble or mess up. But I couldn't. It had to happen here and now. She left me a clue, and I needed to follow it.
I pulled up next to her car in the parking lot. I found her sitting on a bench with her head in her hands. She didn't look up at the car, she didn't even seem to notice that I was there. I walked over, hoping that she would look up and run over to me. Hoping she would hug me, talk to me, look at me, or just do anything. I made my way over to where she was and sat down beside her. I tried to put my arm around her, but she stayed stiff. I took my arm off and rested my hand on her leg. We sat in silence for a while.
I kept thinking of how to start, but I had a flood of thoughts trying to course through my mouth's bottleneck. She shifted her head towards me and placed it back in her hands.
"Israel, I don't think you get it." her voice was muffled. "Your friend was right. You don't know who I am or what I've done. You don't know what I've been trying to get away from."
I started biting the inside of my cheek as I stared at the floor. She can't think that it's over. I looked up and tried to get words out of my mouth. "I don't know how else to say this, but I don't care. I can't let you go."
I hadn't said anything in so long that my own voice surprised me. It came out broken, like I had to use all of my strength to say those few words.
"You can't promise that yet, Israel." she said quietly. "You don't even know what you're talking about."
I needed to convince her. I needed her to know that she's not going to get off this easy. She kept her head in her hands and held her mouth shut.
I knew I couldn't just sit there, and I knew she didn't want me to either.
"I don't know what I'm doing," I started it off simple, trying to grab words out of thin air. "Not just now, but all the time. I've... I lose sight of myself almost every day. I try to stop it from happening, but it never works. You were right, I made my life into a house of mirrors. I'm afraid of showing people the mistakes I make. But the truth is, I don't know who I am without those mistakes. I'm just some fake picture that I want other people to see."
My words caught in my throat, but I swallowed and kept talking.
"But when we were together I realized that these moments were a story. A story I'm not done writing. A story that may not be perfect, but it sent me on the path I'm on now."
I grabbed her hands and slowly took them away from her head. She lifted her eyes to meet mine. The destruction in her face almost broke me down, but I had to stay strong. I needed to be strong.
"And that path brought me to you."
I wiped the tears off of her face and held her hands in mine. I was begging at this point.
I finally felt like something I was saying mattered. I didn't want to write it down, I didn't want to edit it. I just needed her to hear it, and I needed to say it now. "Everything that I did was leading me to you. Every misstep was just another step towards you. Every mistake built a path in my life that led me to you. I wouldn't trade that for the world."
She took a deep breath. "Israel, I'm not mad at you. I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that this amazing guy now knows things I don't even want to think about anymore. It certainly doesn't help that now the whole school knows as well. I want to take all of it away, but it's a part of me and I can't stop that."
"And that's okay, Emma. I-"
"I know you say that, but you don't want to know. You don't want to know that I moved around all of my childhood because I was a kid no one wanted. You don't want to know that they kept sending me to different homes in Arizona to see if there would be someone who wanted to take me." Her voice started getting louder. "You don't want to hear about how I was bullied in foster care, how I never had a parent figure, how I had no direction, and how eventually that got me to do some pretty bad things. Things I regret, but things I can't take back."
"Emma, I had no idea. I had no clue-"
"I know you didn't. That's the problem. I'm trying to say that I am not the perfect girl you've made me out to be. Not even close. Yes, now I am with a great family, and I'm trying to be better, but I was put into foster care because my mom was addicted to drugs, and my dad left before I was born. I never knew them, and I don't know if I ever will.
"I spent my childhood moving from home to home, calling people 'mom and dad' that I've never met before, and didn't care to know. Group homes were the only homes I knew. Homes where people fought like family, but never loved like family. I had to grow up fast, be my own parent, and find my own way.
"If I wasn't put through that, maybe I wouldn't be skipping school so much. Maybe I'd be on top of my homework, or maybe I'd have a job. Maybe I'd have my college applications in and have decided on a major. But I don't."
"Emma, I'm so sorry."
"I'm going to give you time. Time to decide if you want to deal with this. And I don't blame you if you don't."
She stood up, and I followed her lead. She gave me a hug before she left. I stood there for a while longer, looking into the windows of the development center.
Eventually, I left too.
My mind was tired of thinking, and my mouth was tired of talking.