I want to get back to my life again, being productive and doing things that I like without escaping from myself. Writing everything down has given me such a relief. Creating always makes me feel better. And usually I create the best things when I'm hurting and need to release.
I'm not longing for anything specific. I just want to live. I want to be by myself, not because I want isolation and safety. I just want to be with myself and take care of myself. All out of self love. I want to be healthy. I want to be gentle with myself. I don't want to seek any kind of gratification from outside of myself.
It's like wanting to just hug myself. When I fasted before, that's all I wanted to do. All the hurt inside of me was finally pouring out, and I couldn't help but to love myself through it. I felt like I was being cradled by God in those moments. I was able to heal myself to the point where I was genuinely ok and had no more left in me to point out. I had no more tears left to cry. I want to get to that place with myself again.
Sometimes I feel like a terrible person. Sometimes I feel like my problems are all my fault and my burden to carry. But when I finally share that and let it out, then that's when I feel different. I just feel ok. Sometimes, all I need to do is let my feelings out, ridding myself of those toxins of my thoughts that spiral in my head. Just getting it out and making peace with myself. I want to continue to heal myself, releasing all of the brokenness that still lives in me. Even if no one cares about it, I just want to do it for me.