I am PD-4001, but Sir calls me Little shit, Arsehole, Coward, Doofus, Jerkwad, Shitface, Crapbot, Jackass and Bastard. To be honest, I would prefer an actual first name, like William or Fred. Even Jack would be a rather enjoyable alias in comparison, but Sir does not think I deserve anything like that. I have some names for Sir as well. Sometimes, I call him Lord, Master, King, The greatest and even 'Overlord' at his demand.
This text is one of my routine protocols, the Journal, which I use to memorize almost everything that happens to me. I have gone through my coding in order to learn about my abilities. Apparently, I have a lot of APR:s (Artificial Pain Receptors), which is a technological equivalence to the nociceptors in the human nervous system. This explains why everything I do causes pain. Everything I touch and everything that touches me hurts, and if I ever walk without shoes it hurts. Like all thinking machines, I can do mathematical calculations at an instant and I can even speak a majority of every language in the world. I live with Sir in his mansion, in Eastern Switzerland. Even though the four languages officially spoken in Switzerland are German, French, Italian and Romansh Sir speaks English alone, and so do I. Thus, I do not believe him to be native Swiss.
I am not allowed to leave Sir's property, but even if I could, I would rarely have time to do that. He beats me up very often, and when he is not, I am kept locked up in the kitchen. Sir has told me that he used to be a big investor in a soda company, but he retired once he had earned 200 billion dollars. He then settled down here and built the manor. He does not seem to have any friends or family, because he keeps sharing all these big secrets with me. The other day he told me how he wishes that most of humanity would die so that he would have more space, and once he told me that he used to have a dog when he was a child, but it got ran over by a car.
Sir will be away from the house for a whole day, claiming that he is going to see someone. Standing in the hallway, I was hoping for a 'Good bye' or a 'See you soon', but before Sir left he gave me a strong slap on my cheek. It hurt awfully, and I fell to the floor crying. He started to grin and stepped outside the door. Except for that rude man in uniform, I have never met any other human than Sir. But I still think Sir has some issues to resolve, because all humans cannot be like this. Now, when I am alone in the house I am planning to explore it a little bit. Luckily, Sir forgot to lock me in before he went out. I take the stairs up to the next floor and I open the door to Sir's bedroom. There is a marine blue carpet covering the quartz plate floor, and there is a king-size bed. There is also a closet, which I open to find nine white shirts, identical to that one Sir is currently wearing under his vest. How can the room be so tidy? I have never seen anyone else than Sir going in here, so he cannot possibly have any sort of room service. Does he clean it up himself? When?
10:30 He wakes up
10:50 He eats breakfast
11:10 He beats me up
11:30 He watches TV
12:00 He beats me up again (Now adding kicks and rude words)
12:20 He eats lunch
12:50 He watches more TV
13:30 He beats me up (Not as rough as earlier, because he is usually tired at this time)
13:50 He goes online to some forum (I do not know any details)
15:00 He has a snack
15:30 He beats me up (Unless he takes a walk)
15:45 He watches TV again
16:30 He tells me secrets (He needs someone to talk to, apparently)
17:00 He goes into a locked room upstairs to play video games (He never wins, and is always frustrated afterwards)
18:00 He gives me the worst beat-up of the day
18:30 He has supper
19:00 He goes upstairs, locks his door and tells me to stay out
20:00 He sometimes takes a shower
20:30 He brushes his teeth
20:35 He wears a pyjamas
20:40 He goes to bed and reads a book
21:00 Lights out
21:00- I can sometimes hear him crying while I am charging myself
After living with Sir for a month and identifying his entire daily schedule I can say for sure that he never do any labour, since he is always and only doing those things on the generated schedule. Trying to generate a possible answer to my own question, my temperature is rising. I have to cool myself down immediately. Apparently, my computer is not really meant for logical thinking, but only for taking and reacting to torture. The sky is clear and the temperature outside is nearly 30 degrees Celsius, so I cannot cool down outside. I need to seek coldness inside the mansion. Sir does not own a refrigerator, so I cannot use that to cool myself. Unless he keeps a refrigerator in the cellar. Of course! Though I must hurry, because if my battery can overheat and then I will explode, leaving this luxury house as a dump. I read that in my manual once when Sir was watching television.
I also read that I can shut down myself if I press a certain button, but I have had difficulties finding said button since I am designed to look identical to a human being. On my way down to the cellar I, flick a switch on the wall. The place gets lit up, and four walls, a ceiling and a floor made of concrete gets visible in the light. This place is a mess. There are boxes everywhere, along with clothes and several other things spread all across the floor. After looking around this place, I notice the little refrigerator. It has a big, dark grey block structure. I open it and shove my head inside of it. It is working, my body temperature is going down. After half an hour, my temperature has reached a secure level. Then I notice that behind all the groceries in here, there is a hole that leads to something that looks like a lift of some sort. Next to the refrigerator, I notice a box hanging on the wall. I cannot open it, since a key is required for that. On the box, I can read 'A.I. Housekeeper'. So Sir has a machine that cleans for him, and cooks his food. I am a little bit disappointed, because I was sort of hoping that there would be other people here that I could talk to, because so far I have only met bad people. I decide to leave the cellar before I accidentally detonate a trap or trip over something.
Once I am on the ground, I glance at the clock to notice that it is 15:23. After looking at my personal clock, I can indeed confirm that it is twenty-three past three in the afternoon. This means that Sir will be gone for at least four more hours. This time is best used by learning more about Sir or about me. So I walk upstairs, and into the room that Sir plays his video games in. I have never been in there, so it will be quite interesting to see how it looks like. The door has a silly sign on it saying "WATCH OUT! PRO GAMER INSIDE!". I am not aware of what a "PRO GAMER" is, so I ignore it. I open the door and step inside. Unlike the other rooms, this one is extremely untidy. There are dirty clothes thrown on the floor, among several other things. By the looks of it, a tornado might as well have come in and taken a dump.
Sir taught me that parable while we were watching a cooking show and this woman with dark hair baked this cake that looked just like that parable suggests.
The frosting was uncoordinated, and the filling was full of lumps. The judge even said that his socks tasted better once he took a bite. Back to the room, whose windows are covered in dust, and has a lot of what looks like melted chocolate on them. The computer is probably the best thing in the whole room. It is completely clean and has a fresh, light grey colour. The screen and keyboard are separate from the real computer, which is a grey box with glowing details. Even though everything is separate; the screen, the keyboard, the mouse, the hard drive, the speakers and the microphone, it all matches in colour and structure. Even the chair in front of the computer matches with everything! This set must have been very expensive, Sir should have paid at least 30,000 dollars for it.
As mentioned earlier, my computer does not offer capacity for logical thinking, something I really want to be able to do. But what if I could take the hard drive and the cooler from this computer? Then I would possibly be able to use my brain and Sir would not be able to play the games that frustrates him and makes him hit me on the afternoons. It is beneficial in two ways! As I find a toolbox with a screwdriver and everything, I also find a picture of a half-naked female posing. I feel sorry for Sir, no wonder this man needs a machine as company. However, I cannot see why he would want to abuse me. I use the hammer and the screwdriver from the toolbox to open the computer up, to find what I believe to be the cooler and the hard drive.
When I loosen the cooler, I can feel the chill against my hand. In fact, I almost start freezing, but that only means it is out of really good quality. I take the hard drive as well, on which I can read "50 TB HARDDRIVE, SSD, 240 GB RAM, THE BEST FOR GAMING". After thinking for a minute, I understand the poster on the door. Pro gamer. Sir must be a professional gamer, which means that he plays games for a living. Is that how he earned his fortune? He told me that he got rich by investing in a soda company! Did he lie? When I am thinking now, I do not get overheated since the cooler is working in my hand. It feels quite nice to be chilled, actually.
But before I get started celebrating, something hits me. How do I install these things? I got them out of the computer, but how do I make use them? As long as I have electricity, I can have the cooler on, but I would have to install the hard drive. I could not do that myself, since I lack skill of such operations. I cannot ask Sir either, because he will get mad that I wrecked his only source to any income at all. I do not know anyone else to ask, though. I decide to leave that problem for another day, because now I have to fix the computer so that Sir does not learn about my raid.Two hours later, Sir returns. I am done with the computer and I have made sure to hide the cooler and the hard drive.
- Jerkwad! Where are you?! I can hear him yell, from the entrance.
- On my way, Sir! I call back, while running down the stairs.
- What the hell were you doing upstairs, you stupid machine? he asks me while slapping my face from side to side.
- I was randomly walking around the household, my best Lord, I answer, lying about myself. I do not stray around planlessly.
Sir gets suspicious, and claims that the company said I would not walk around randomly.
- But I do, I answer.
- Then I'll have to send a complaint about you, he answers.
Sir walks upstairs with me after him. He walks into the computer room and sits down on the chair. As he turns his computer on I grow a little nervous. What will he say when he learns about what I have done? I had not taken matters this far when planning.
- WHAT IN THE...?! Sir screams in shock.
- What is wrong? I answer.
- What's up with my bloody computer? he asks, frustrated.
- The software seems to have been restarted, Sir, I answer, calmly.
- The hardware won't even... dammit! he explains loudly.
Truly, the computer has started up. The screen shows nothing but a window popping up saying "NO HARDDRIVE FOUND". Sir's eyes turn to me.
- Did you do this, shithead? he asks me. His accusation is very accurate, since I am the one who did it. But I cannot admit it, because then he will probably do something way worse than hurting me.
- No, I did not, I answer.
- Don't shit me. You were the only one in the house when I was gone! It must've been you!
- How do you think I could do that? I ask him, hoping that he believes I am stupid.It works. He remains completely silent. I stole the cooler and the hard drive... and got away with it!
Sir grunts and waddles out of the room.
- I hate all freakin' technology! he screams. Not a DAMN thing works! he adds.
Sir tells me to come, which I do at the instant. He then beats me with his newfound frustration.