"But pain's like water. It finds a way to push through any seal. There's no way to stop it. Sometimes you have to let yourself sink inside of it before you can learn how to swim to the surface." Katie Kacvinsky
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XXXIV.
Perrie recoiled away from her father, practically launching herself halfway across the room from him. No, this could not be so. Her father always fixed everything. He always had the answer. He made everything better. Whatever mistake Perrie could possibly make, her father had always been there to guide her through and to keep her safe.
Perrie had never been without him.
"Papa," she gasped.
Adam appeared exhausted, saddened even, but decided, as he said, "It is the best thing for you to do."
"No, it is not the best," Perrie said adamantly. "I don't want to get married like this." She was not even certain she wanted to get married at all if getting married was like the ball her grandmother had thrown.
Perrie had not given the institution of marriage enough thought despite it being the entire purpose for which she supposedly lived.
"I trust Joe. I know he will take care of you."
"You trust a man who hates me?"
Adam did not reply, save for shaking his head briefly, and sighing.
Perrie stared at her father, willing him to break, to laugh, to declare this all a joke and tell her to go to bed, and that everything would be well and sorted in the morning. But he didn't. He simply stared back at her with all sorts of thoughts behind his eyes.
"Everything will be alright, Perrie," Adam said finally. "I trust Joe. Despite this situation, I trust him, and I never thought I would trust anybody enough to take you from me."
"Papa, Joe has not come to ask you for my hand because he is in love with me!" Perrie retorted, her voice breaking. "He is not taking me away! His wicked, barbaric excuse for a sire is threatening me! Papa, he wants your money, I know it!"
Adam crossed the room to where Perrie was, and he again took her into his arms. Perrie tried to resist, but Adam held her closely. The feeling of security was immense despite everything. "Everything will be alright," he repeated. "Joe will do right by you, and his father won't see so much as a sovereign from me."
***
Joe did not sleep. He had hardly slept a wink since the night of the ball, and he was certain that the lack of rest was wreaking havoc on his mind. How had he allowed this to happen? How had he allowed Perrie to be in such a compromising position with him? He should have sent her away immediately. He should have done so weeks ago.
In fact, he should have left Ashwood himself the moment she had returned home from finishing school. It would not have mattered if his father would have turned him out, because then Perrie would not have been tied to a man such as him.
Joe buried his face into his pillow and screamed. There was no way to break this engagement without dishonouring Perrie, and Joe would not cause her any more pain. But how could he marry her? How could he in good conscience become what he would be as her husband?
"I hear congratulations are in order."
Ed's voice sounded from the doorway of Joe's bedroom, and he stood there tentatively, waiting for Joe to welcome him, or to send him away. Joe could see his brother's anxious pain etched across his face. He was not dressed for the day, appearing to have simply pulled on some breeches and tucked in his nightshirt. His feet were bare.
"Don't say that," Joe said hoarsely. "Do not congratulate me. This is a tragedy."
Ed didn't move, but he nodded his head. "Father told me what happened ... rather gleefully. I know this is not how you would have wanted this to occur."
"I didn't want it to occur at all," Joe retorted. "Perrie doesn't deserve this."
Ed nodded his head, before he carefully walked into Joe's bedroom, shutting the door behind him. "She does not deserve to be wed to you, do you mean?" Ed deduced.
Joe stiffened as he nodded helplessly. "She deserves better," he murmured quietly.
"What is it that Perrie deserves? Does she deserve a man who loves her beyond reason? How fortunate for her, then, that she has found herself betrothed to such a man."
Joe felt an additional layer of guilt settle upon his shoulders as he received such words from his brother. Joe had barely been able to speak to Ed since discovering his secret, and Ed had been in clear pain because Joe had not been able to forgive him. And yet, despite this, he was still looking after Joe as he always had, seeing the best in him when Joe could only see the worst.
"I knew you were in love with her the second you realised she was hiding behind the drapes in the library the day I arrived at Ashwood," Ed continued. "Had I known that the Peregrine you used to write me of was a girl all those years ago, I might have known a lot sooner."
"I hated her," Joe whispered.
"You loved her. You might not have known it was so, but you did. I know that the circumstances of last night were less than ideal, but don't punish yourself. It might be a blessing in disguise. You get to wed the person you love. Some people never get that chance."
Joe winced. He did not mean to do so, but his body naturally flinched when the gravity of his brother's words settled upon him. Ed was right, of course. Joe did love Perrie.
But love did not matter when one of the two parties was unworthy of the other. That was something that Joe was all too well aware of.
But Ed's other point hung in Joe's mind. There were people who deserved such a chance who would always be denied it. Despite the secrecy, Ed had always been the better of the twins. He was good, kind, decent and worthy. His selflessness was second to none, and Joe was quite convinced that Ed had saved his life on more than one occasion. Ed had taken it upon himself to keep Joe safe, ever since they were children. Ed was Joe's champion, and he had never once faltered.
Except ... "Why didn't you tell me?" Joe asked, the question falling out of his mouth.
Ed did not need to clarify the vague question. "You were all I had, all I cared about in this world. My biggest fear was having you look at me like you did when you saw me in ... at the club."
Joe could feel the contorted muscles in his face very distinctly in his memory of the other night. He could not imagine the horror that Ed would have seen on Joe's face, but Ed misunderstood it.
"I wanted to tell you. I tried so many times. I started and burned so many letters. I wanted nothing more than for you to know me and to tell me that you could still love me even if I bring you shame."
The truth of it all burned in Ed's earnest eyes.
"I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that it was not a shock," Joe said quietly, "but you could never bring me shame, Ed. I could never be ashamed of you."
Ed began to tremble, and as he did, Joe abandoned his bed in favour of standing at his brother's side.
"I wasn't hurt because of your truth, but because you kept it from me," he explained.
"I didn't want you to hate me," Ed's voice broke. "I didn't want you to reject me. I didn't want you to tell me that you no longer wanted me as your brother."
Joe wrapped his arms around Ed, and he felt great purpose in comforting him, and not it being the other way around. "You were my brother yesterday, you are my brother today, and you will be my brother tomorrow and always."
Perhaps Ed did not understand how worthy he was. Joe could only aspire to be half the man his brother was. And it would only be aspiration, a dream never to be. If only Joe could do for Ed what Ed had done for Joe all their lives. It was a debt that could never be fully repaid.
***
Perrie had not bothered to dress. Her reputation was already ruined apparently, so she did not care to be seen in her nightgown and robe outside of her bedroom.
She had no appetite, and so had not gone down to breakfast, which meant that she had not crossed paths with Joe since the night before.
A lady's reputation was always something that ought to be protected and preserved, or so Perrie had always been taught. First by her grandmother, and next by her tutors at Mrs Liscombe's school. It had never felt like a tangible object, but then Perrie supposed it was not. But because she could not see it, touch it, and hold it, it had always been easy to pretend as though it did not exist, and so she had not needed to worry about it.
And yet, this mystical object, which was so indelibly attached to her person, was now in invisible shatters, and Perrie suddenly felt the weight of it.
Every servant she had seen that morning had looked upon her as though she were an attraction in a show. They all knew what had transpired.
Perrie had gone through an entire spectrum of emotions in the last ten hours or so, but what she felt with such depth in that moment as she wandered the hallway was humiliation. She was so embarrassed that her own foolishness had so affected everyone.
Most of all, Joe.
Perhaps Perrie was delusional, but she was almost certain that there had become a modicum of friendly respect between the two of them. An understanding of one another, of sorts. Certainly, the kiss that Joe had bestowed upon her was still utterly confusing, but Perrie could put that down to Joe's fragile, emotional state on the night of the ball. Ignoring that, Perrie had been optimistic that she and Joe would find some sort of peace.
Perrie could not stand the embarrassment she felt at Joe suddenly being bound by honour to marry her. Even if he managed to tolerate her for longer than three sentences of conversation in the future, Perrie did not want to sentence Joe to a life with someone he tolerated.
But the way he smiled when we danced ...
Perrie's thoughts were interrupted by a rather loud commotion coming from the entry foyer downstairs. She heard the unmistakable tone of her grandmother making demands of the servants, and her mother amending them with kindness afterwards.
Perrie broke into a run as she sprinted down the hallway, barely feeling the pile of the rug beneath her bare feet as she moved so swiftly. She made it to the landing in seconds as she saw the two Beresford women below, their things being carried and sorted by footmen.
"Mama! Grandmamma!"
Perrie's cry grabbed the attentions of her mother and grandmother immediately. And they both looked furious.
"You are going to be the death of me, Peregrine Beresford!" her mother cried up at her. "How could you do something like this?"
Had her father sent them an express in the night? How could they have heard about her ruin so quickly?
"I'm half dead already at my age," Cecily interjected, "and you had me about ready to send for a coffin to be made."
"I didn't mean to do any of it!" Perrie protested as she gripped hold of the balustrade. "It was all the viscount's fault! He said I was nursing with my loins! I don't know what that means but I have to marry Joe because of it, but you must know I didn't mean to do it, and I'm sorry!"
By the looks of shock on Grace and Cecily's faces, Perrie quickly realised that her father had indeed not sent and express in the night, and that her mother and grandmother were entirely ignorant of Perrie's ruin and subsequent betrothal.
Oh, Perrie realised. It was the slight infraction of her running away to London that had brought them here. Lord, she was talented at making a mess.
"Marry ... marry Joe?" her grandmother repeated in disbelief.
"Perrie?" Grace frowned as she shook her head. "You will come down here and explain yourself to me this minute. Your ... your loins?"
----
Cecily's in the house ... y'all begged for a Cecily tongue lashing ...
Thank you all SO MUCH for all your lovely messages. My arm is on the mend. I was injured at work by a student and have been recovering ever since. I'm still not sure what the damage is as I'm awaiting scan results but it's painful if I use it. I've done well to keep it still enough to type this, so I hope you like it! I struggled for you all :P
I went to the footy tonight at my team won by 1 point. We scored with 7 seconds to go and my heart rate was at 147. As someone with a resting heart rate of 49 (aka a zombie), that was mad hahhahahaa
My poor boyfriend goes for the team we were playing and it was heartbreaking. For me, though, it was GREAT!!!!!
But anyways. I've still got one big thing up my sleeve. It's dramatic. It's signature me. Mua.Ha.Ha
Vote and comment!! xxx