Coming to the Spring Festival that was held just on the outskirts of town always felt magical. Since there was live music, the whole area was pretty lively. There were several bubble machines in areas I never got around to finding. The parking lot was more or less in the grass with some gravel. They had ropes and people directing traffic on where to park. Naturally, I drove myself, this time with Thom in the passenger seat.
It was just about sunset, so the bubbles that cascaded in many different directions just made this all the more enchanting. There was laughter and a young woman in a low voice went, "Oh...Shit." That must've come from the zipper ride. Both Thom and I laughed about that.
"Are you sure you don't want to try it this year?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer.
"I would throw up all over the place. No thank you." But he smiled at me. Even though I knew him well enough to know when he's being sarcastic. Because before I knew it, we were on the very ride he swore he wouldn't go on.
It was after we got off that nearly the entire line of people still waiting to get on were staring at us. That didn't stop us from getting on every ride possible. Even the ride that made you feel like you were sitting on a swing, but you spun in a big circle with everyone else. It was the perfect right for the right time of day. I spread out my arms to embrace the present.
The live band that was performing, an Irish indie band, it was impossible not to get into the music. They had the whole crowd stamping their feet to the beat of the music. Thom was given the microphone to sing along and damned near stole the show. He politely excused himself just before that could happen.
Thom and I continued to act like kids because we went to a mirror and glass maze next. Which was surprisingly more fun than I thought it would've been. We didn't stop there because we visited a spot that was meant more for kids. It was like some kind of indoor obstacle course which required a lot of crawling in some places and jumping in others. The last part was some kind of moving tunnel that made us have to hold onto the handlebars because it was disorienting.
Surprisingly, we had room in our stomachs for dessert. Thom had to have an elephant ear which was more like fried dough with a ton of white sugar on it. We lingered by the stage where a new band was performing.
There were times throughout all of this, I did meet Maverick's gaze. Sometimes he was with Avery, like when Thom and I were on the swing carousel. I had just let my arms fall back to my sides and head back to its normal level instead of tilted back. The other time was across the crowd when Thom and I were holding hands while stamping our feet to the beat of the music.
I stayed back to let Thom enjoy some of the rides with his husbands on a dark ride. Kyra and Lulu were nowhere to be seen.
"You wanna go?"
I almost yelped in surprise and threw my slushie. Maverick just casually leaned forward on the gate that separated us from the dark ride. His smile was mischievous though I couldn't be sure if he meant to scare me or not.
"I actually love going to haunted houses." He continued.
"Oh yeah? Thom and I worked at one for a year," I don't know why I volunteered this information, "because you know, tuition wasn't cheap. It was fun for a few days until it started to feel like work."
"Is that your way of saying you're not scared?"
"I'm not a robot, of course they still freak me out a little. Even though I initially said that I'd work with Thom at one to get over my fear."
"Is there something in particular that scares you in them?" Why did he smile at me in a way that kept most of us his face hidden from me? Was he laughing at me?
"Yeah, total strangers getting really close."
"You know I once went to a place that was highly recommended to me." His smile dropped but not completely. "It was overrated but the actors had the most refreshing breath I ever smelled." Now he was casually leaning his side against the gate.
"That sounds kind of gross but I guess some fears never truly go away."
"You wanna know a secret though?" I found myself leaning closer, intrigued. His eyes followed my subconscious movement but he did not move away. I did though because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable.
"Pretend to be scared?"
He laughed a little at that. "Don't over do it of course."
"Of course," I parroted but not to imitate him. "I don't want anyone to feel like they're not doing their job right."
As if fate had decided for us, there was no longer a line for the ride. Maverick noticed this immediately and he gave me a look.
"Fine, let's go." I might have looked like I was pouting, so I turned to look over at him to say, "They do say that fortune favors the bold." Then I turned and let him follow me.
****
As much as I resisted the urge, I couldn't help it. I clung to him a few times. The little thing we had to ride on was small and he was all I had to cling to. He didn't seem to mind though. Compared to what we talked about earlier, about pretending to be scared. Well Maverick just looked like he enjoyed himself the entire time. Then again there were no scare actors at all. Just a bunch of freaky machines.
Despite the times I actually got scared, I enjoyed myself too.
We had just come full circle and our feet had just gotten back on solid ground. "I can't believe the whole festival hadn't heard Thom screaming. Did you see that freaky clown? Thom would've undoubtedly flipped his shit or got himself out of that ride somehow. I don't recall ever seeing him get off the ride back there. Maybe I should call him? Man that had a lot of practical effects. It was awesome! I had no idea what was coming next."
Maverick looked like he was only half listening. He suddenly took a gentle hold of my arm and started to move a little faster. I had to throw my empty slushie cup and barely missed the garbage can. "What? What's going on? Oh you can't be serious?"
I was hesitant because it was a ride that swung back and forth like a pendulum. It was the kind that took you upside down and you'd hang there for a couple of seconds. If there was something major that Thom and I could agree on, it was to avoid rides that involved going upside down. I could hear the indie Irish band somewhere performing again. It brought back a memory from before, when Maverick was looking at me.
Maverick was looking at me again and something in my heart broke away. I did not want to disappoint him. "Fuck it." Once again, I led the way.
****
Before I knew it, Maverick had me on every ride that I never would have never gotten on. I'm sure there were some that not even Avery would have stepped foot on. Or Ryker who was actually the most adventurous of us all. Admittedly, most of them weren't nearly as fun as the dark ride had been. There were moments that made me want to throttle Maverick.
Maverick laughed the loudest. At least one of us had a good time.
We had just gotten off the worst ride of them all. It was called an ultra max I think? Which swung like a pendulum but you also rotated in a slow circle. Twice I nearly threw up but I fought it. My stomach was still feeling a little queasy when we stepped off.
Without a word I stopped outside of the exit but stepped aside so I wouldn't be in anyone's way. I had to crouch down to gather my bearings again.
"Too much?" I could hear it in his tone like he was concerned.
I wasn't particularly mad, but that was just something I had no intention of doing again. Like ever. That aside, I just gave him a thumbs up but kept crouching. It only took a couple of minutes before I could start to feel normal. As much as I didn't want to push it, I stood up while praying I did not barf on his pair of converses.
"You ok?"
"I will be." I said but a sudden idea came to me. "Actually, I have another idea of what we can do." Without warning, it was me who took him by the arm. Gently of course. Maverick did not resist.
We headed West and it wasn't far. There was a picnic area with tables on top of a hill. It was just like hours ago because this was no simple hill. We ran past a sign that specified that there was no running allowed but I'd never actually witnessed anyone get in trouble for this.
I don't think it took Maverick long to realize what was happening. We were on the brink of sunset. Golden hues were starting to change and we weren't the only ones on top of the hill. There were a few other couples and families. No one turned in our direction when we finally made it on top. I took Maverick to the edge of the hill where we could sit on the ground to watch the sunset.
I was first to sit but Maverick kept standing. I tried not to feel disappointed and focus on the sunset instead. Somehow, I just knew it was time to give him space. Let him absorb the present or contemplate alone. It was maybe a couple of minutes later when he finally did sit.
"You know why I dragged you on all of those rides earlier?"
I turned to face him, the last of the daylight was on his face. I never noticed just how nice his eyelashes were until now. There was this fragile human being beside me. He had his legs pulled close. I could tell he was about to open up to me about something. Soft music continued to emit somewhere behind us. I had no idea what band was playing but it was slow and somehow fitting to the moment.
I did not say a word and he answered his own question, "Because I know you're the only one who was willing to do it all with me." How brown eyes fell on me. Thankfully, I was already sitting. My stomach churned but for an entire different reason. But I could not look away from him.
"I've made a lot of bad choices. Someone died, hearts were broken because even though I let myself get in a relationship that I already knew I could not emotionally maintain, that was a lot of broken hearts. Bray, don't you understand yet? I don't think I'm a good person at all."
Ah, so we were going with that speech. I did not let myself judge him. "I don't think it's ever going to be that simple." I said and his brows lightly scrunched up. "Good and evil? How can anyone only be one of those over the other? Mav," then I stopped because I wanted to carefully think my words before I spoke them. "I'm kind of being a hypocrite here but I think you really do sell yourself short. Haven't you already learned this yet? No one on this planet is perfect. We all made mistakes and we're all going to continue to make mistakes."
I paused because again, I needed to think first.
"Don't get the wrong idea, I don't ever want to pressure you into something that you don't want. I'm old enough to know that I don't need a significant other in order to be happy. You need to realize that too, which I think you do more than you realize." Now he looked confused and I shook my head trying to think of a better way to phrase this. "What I'm trying to say is, you don't need to be perfect. For anyone. Haven't we talked about this before? About people who fall in love with the chase and not the person? You're being awfully hard on yourself."
Maverick moved and I could tell he did it without thinking. His right arm, the side that was facing me, fell and I couldn't tell he was about to lean in towards me. He looked like he had something important to say and it was enough to make me stop talking.
"Bray, I can't lose you too." Those words alone were enough to bring me to my knees. That is, if I had been standing. I could see the fear and the uncertainty. "I want to keep doing things with you that are out of our comfort zone. I can't tell you just how much fun I've actually had with anyone. Not until I met you."
Even though he didn't actually do it, somehow it felt like he had a finger just below my chin as if he was making me look at him. My entire body felt energized, or my legs were asleep. Either way, I couldn't look away from him. I wanted him and I could honestly swear I saw that he wanted me too. It was in his eyes. Unless it was something that I wanted to see?
That's when I started to get scared. Of rejection no less. I was worried now that he was about to let me down easily. If that was the case, would we be able to maintain a friendship? I found myself standing and though I desperately wanted to look away, this was a side of myself I did not want anyone to see. I still couldn't look away. He stood up immediately after I did.
"Maybe we should get on the ferris wheel." I said, not really knowing why I said it.
"No." And that damned near pushed me to my limit to tears. He took my hands in his and without breaking any eye contact, "I want to stay here with you."
My lungs either felt inflated or they lacked air. I suddenly broke eye contact and found myself looking down at my hands in his. He wasn't aggressive but he was firm. "Please stay here with me?" His voice changed to almost a whisper. "Just stay here with me."
How could I deny him that? How could I have let myself get on all of those crazy ass rides? Why, right after those horrible speed dates, did I let him whisk me off for the rest of the night? I rarely ever said no to him, if I ever did at all.
I wanted to kiss him. On my life, I wanted to kiss him. I would have let him kiss me. But instead, we stayed put. My hands, in his hands with our gazes locked into place. I was pretty sure we were standing toe to toe. It was the perfect moment for our first kiss, but there were some things that I could not take leadership in. This was one of those.
Maverick hadn't given me a clear answer yet and I feared it was still far too soon for that. At least I had finally given him clarity on how I felt about him. He sort of gave me some of that too. If I kissed him now, it could undo the very foundation our friendship was based on. I used to think I was the delicate one out of us both, but as it turned out, I was wrong.
The silent pull I usually felt wasn't there this time. Instead I just felt rooted in place. As strange as it was, it also felt like this was where I wanted to be all along. The only real downside of it all, I couldn't bring myself to say the words. I love you.
****
It was dark now. I could see it in Thom, Avery, Ryker, Kyra and Lulu's eyes. They could already tell something had changed between Maverick and me. No one said too much as we headed back towards the parking lot. Only Ryker commented about how he couldn't believe someone had talked me into getting on a ride that not even he would have dared. There were a couple of chuckles though it wasn't enough to break the clouds of my deep thoughts.
The ride back was mostly silent. As odd as it might've been, Maverick decided to ride back with me. I could tell Thom thought about inviting himself but Avery quietly pulled him back. The radio stayed silent and I tried not to notice the way he'd sometimes look my way.
"I'm not as delicate as you might think I am." I said.
"I know." His hair was a mess of curls. The window was down which explained the mess. I probably should have realized it sooner, but there was nothing that could take away how I viewed him. He was leaning on the side but still angled my way a little. There was concern but it was so damned hard to figure out what he was thinking.
My curiosity got the better of me. "What are you thinking about?"
"Just waiting for you to run screaming in the other direction. Do I not scare you? Despite everything you've already seen and heard? You've seen nearly all my worst parts and I still can't figure out why you're not freezing me out. Because you should. Hell, I would if I had met me."
I ended up rolling my eyes at him. "You're doing it again." I couldn't show my displeasure for long because the hills on this road were too unpredictable. I didn't want to even get a scratch on my gift.
"You're not me. We clearly don't make the same exact decisions." For some reason, I had a feeling both Ryker and Thom would have loved to hear me say that. I just wish I had something more brilliant to add.
Maverick didn't say anything further and so the rest of the ride was a silent one. Although I did feel the occasional glance on me. Like he was still amazed that I was still here. When we got back, I felt him follow me back into the house. Lulu had driven Maverick's car with Kyra at her side. They hadn't returned yet but Thom and his husbands had.
We entered the sun room before making a left into the main area. I could vaguely hear them conversing with each other but not enough to hear their words. Maverick continued to silently follow me as we headed down the stairs. I couldn't tell if he was still watching me though. I also hadn't realized just how late it was until I glanced at the dashboard just before shutting the car off with the push of a button. Which I still couldn't get over. It had been a gift I never knew I wanted.
I was sure he went off towards his room before I reached mine. Once again, there was that urge. Things were more private here and it wouldn't be hard to join him in his room. Again, I knew that wouldn't have been ideal.
It was while I was in the process of getting ready for bed, not that I would be getting much sleep at this point, when I realized he was standing in the doorway. He had a pillow in one hand and a blanket in the other.
"I didn't want to give you the wrong idea, so I grabbed this too." He was referring to the blanket. I couldn't help but smile at him with a single chuckle. He already knew me so well. His face turned serious though. "I don't want to be alone tonight. I'll go crazy."
As much as I wanted to point out how that made two of us, I just didn't want him to think that I was making fun of him. Instead I just nodded at him and got into bed while saying, "You can leave the blanket anywhere you want." This was probably a bad idea but this whole thing could've been avoided a very long time ago. We could have never met at Kyra's birthday party.
Maverick moved like he didn't need to be told twice but instead of us giving into 'passion', I felt him crawl under the sheets with me. One of his arms slipped over my side and let my back fall against his chest. I used both hands to hold onto his arm that he used to hold me in place. As weird as this would be to others, this still felt right. I suppose, in a weird way, this was some kind of test.
What we felt for each other wasn't as simple as lust.
I don't know about Maverick, but I went into a deep sleep not long after that.