little authors' note!
◤ hi, this is a slightly emotional chapter
that delves into deeper topics about
stress, death, love in friendship and
lingering along the idea of depression.
if you are going through anything,
feel free to message me. i'm here <3◢
CHAPTER NINE : SOLITARY.
RESUMPTION .
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AN EMPTY HOUSE ONLY BROUGHT CONTENT SPIRITS, YET the cluttered mess of her bedroom bothered Valentina as she piled her disregarded paint canvases to the side of her room; the painting she didn't care about. Her raspberry and cotton - candy scented body cream slathered over her body almost felt borderline sticky but she always put an excessive amount due to two reasons. One, her dry ass skin always needed an extra boost of moisture especially in the colder seasons otherwise she gets shamefully ashy. Two, the smell of her lotion was addictive to sniff like a creep. Best when she lay naked in her bed, listening to throwbacks from one direction.
Valentina should be doing her English assignment yet here she was, laying and doing nothing.
Its just-Everything felt so lacklustre compared to Vinnie's condo. That condo was something spectacular, each room was out of this world. The thought of studying should be blocking her decisions of laziness because in order to buy a place like that, she was ready to get down into a dirty amount of studying. Yet here she was, skipping one of the assignments to help her pass.
Meanwhile, her house shook in the wind or what Valentina assumed was the strong wind, urging her to sit up. She didn't worry though, she'd already figured out that the house was basically comprised of straws and two wooden sticks. Candy and Valentina's mother bought this house together back in the 90's for a cheap amount so what did she expect. Not much.
Bursting through the room, Noelle failed to knock on the bedroom door, just surging straight through and placing her backpack onto her vanity table with a thump. Makeup products clanked onto the floor from the sudden movement, which is what caught Valentina's attention her connected headphones. She clutched at her chest from the frightening sight of Noelle in her long black coat that skimmed her ankles, resembling a Grim Reaper, so Valentina ripped her pink headphone off the top of her head, too panicked to even pause the music.
"What did I say the last time you fucking broke into my house?"
"To tell you when I'm on my way. And well, I did that. I texted you. Maybe turn on your notifications and you won't think a robbery is happening." Noelle's smart mouth unnerved Valentina as she fixed her windswept hair whilst her mumbling continued. "One second out of the car and the wind makes my hair look like shit."
"The wind didn't do anything, you always look like shit." Valentina mumbled back, throwing clothes over her naked self.
"Ha ha. Keep making jokes, as if I didn't just break in and could've possibly decided to actually rob you and steal any expensive stuff you have. I can still change my mind, those hats would look great on my 'shit' hair." Noelle pointed to the numerous beanies that hung on a hook, drying from the washing machine.
"Eat my dick. How did you get in and also, why?"
Valentina propped up, pausing the distant music that her headphones played. Her hand reaching to close the screen of her pink laptop against the keyboard before Noelle put her slim hand in between. Alarmed look aside, she opened the laptop back up, taking it from Valentina's hands, clicking off the Spotify website and typing a few things with a concentrated face.
"We're gonna need this. You're such an emo, why do you always have to listen to such depressing music? And one direction? Really? Let them go."
Awkwardly, Valentina slipped the duvet off her mostly bare legs, silk shorts covering her modesty. "Close your eyes and imagine I'm listening to Rihanna. Anyways. Stop judging my music and be getting to the point."
"Why are you questioning why your bestest friend, that loves and cherishes you, is in your welcoming home? You should be happy I'm here." Noelle said, which only created a deeper annoyed frown from Valentina. In a defeated exhale, she admitted her faults with an immature mumble. "You've always told me, in case of emergencies, that the spare key is under the flower pot next to the front door."
"And this is an emergency?" Valentina's eyebrow quirked.
"Duh, dumbass." Noelle scrambled through tabs on the laptop screen, whilst another hand pushed the disarranged baby-blue strands of her wig out of her frantic eyes. "It's about that-that guy. Victor, Vance..?"
A beat passed. "Which guy?"
Noelle rolled her eyes with a dramatic scoff followed shortly by. That was the only time she peeled her attention off the laptop screen and it was only for a couple seconds.
"You're only like fifty percent stupid, so right now, use that other fifty percent of non-stupid. You know exactly who I'm talking about, you literally told me to look at his background months ago. That pretty boy. That one that is simply obsessed with you."
"Yes, I did. Months ago. I don't give a shit about any of that anymore and besides, no one is obsessed with me-"
"Shuut the fuck up, here we are!" Noelle's erratic fingers stilled, curving the laptop towards the other direction for Valentina to see exactly what she needed to see.
"This." A skinny finger pointed at an unclear picture of two white males posing besides each other in dark lighting. Valentina edged towards vanity table that the laptop rested on, her eyes focusing on the image as the picture complied together in her mind. Oh. Oh, for fucks sake.
Vinnie, with a brisk smile, has his hand clasped with the most hated senator of California, the balding man with a poised posture held a very large, silver framed painting- the unimportant painting of a field withered with dying roses the main point of the picture. From a insignificant stand point, this picture should be unsuspecting to a normal viewer. Alas, Valentina was no normal viewer. This was her Vinnie delivering a personal painting to a very racist politician. She leant back once her thoughts collected together. That fucker.
"That's Brian Costle. The one beside him has an asswipe of a brain. The guy that suggested separate clinics for ethnic groups due to his belief of not wanting to mix diseases brought from their home countries." Noelle held down a mocking laugh at the extremely dull-witted statement. "And that's him shaking hands with Vincent, I'm assuming to hand over the painting that he sold to him. This is at last year's winter ball."
Noelle pointed out details as if Valentina hadn't fully put two and two together in her quiet utterance. Dryness swept along her mouth, the saliva disappeared from her glands so she reached for the lemon water from her sparkly hydroflask and gulped the iced water down quickly. "This is. Interesting." Was all Valentina could choke out, the dehydrated texture along her tongue still residing despite the help of her refreshing water.
"Very interesting. I told you my ass is Sherlock Holmes in this bitch, I'm going to college with flying colours in Computing." Noelle boasted about her very advanced skills in computing whilst Valentin gnawed on the skin of her bottom lip, flushing the tinge to a darkened red as the picture still glued itself to her thoughts. This was inexcusable. She literally had no excuse for the picture she just viewed, the firm hand grip within the image imprinted within the walls of her mind.
He's crafty. Those words, that Megan uttered not so long ago, restarted like a fucking broken record on repeat over and over and Valentina just brushed over it as a jealous family friend intimidated by any female that gets close to Vinnie. Boy, was she wrong. If she could go back to that cafe, she'd ask an unbarred level of questions just to try and figure out what this guys deal is. There's always a problem revolving him and this took the cake. Associating with a racist whilst trying to charm a proudly informed black girl? If she could understand how that would ever make sense, she would try figure it out. But she can't because it doesn't make sense.
"Valentina. Tell me what's going through your mind." Her disgustingly soft voice coddled Valentina.
Finally, she shut the laptop screen and slowly sat upon the duvet, a concerned veil shielding her eyes. Valentina hated those eyes. Noelle has always been that sarcastic, takes no bullshit friend who throws insults to comfort her friends. But Valentina's eyes evaluated the comfort that exuded within her body language: From the open arms, the inching towards her, and the empathetic dent in her forlorn expression almost felt—Embarrassing. Valentina had no shame in her game but that look felt borderline pathetic, because this is abnormal.
"Suck my dick, Noelle." Valentina shuffled to the edge of the bed, away from her best friend's embrace with a sassy cross of her arms. Noelle's face screamed conflict as she watched Valentina move away further with a face of thunder.
"What? You need to-"
"No, genuinely fuck you. My head has been literally hurting the past however long because I have so much to fucking do and think about. And fuck me, I just want to stop stressing about all these little things. School has been draining my ass because I fucked around all of junior and sophomore year and the one of the two days I get a break from school, I work from morning to night. I haven't even started the stupid art project and I know Xavier knows that it's not been started from just looking into my eyes. And his fucking dumbass of a son has charmed me even though I convince myself he hasn't, just to try and protect the last bit of self preservation I have left these days. And the red fucking Cherry on top is that my mother's birthday is tomorrow and she can't even help me through this because she's gone!" She explained all in a couple of short exasperated breaths, tears brimming the lower eyelid.
Don't cry Valentina. You're bigger than this.
She continued, trying to ignore the tears that threatened to fall, "Zee, my mom. She would've helped me through literally anything, is dead. Buried into the damn ground and there's nothing I can do about it as much I wish I could. You know that every year me and Candy visit her grave and even that is fucked because I haven't even seen her in the last couple of days so who knows what I can do with that."
"And the one thing that could've made me forget about it all is a phoney artist that sells his art to racist politicians but decides to try and get a black girl to fall for him. And it almost worked, he seems so—Good, good for me but he's bad. And instead of you to just be normal and comfort me through calling me a imbecilic bitch and hitting me in the head with a fucking hammer, you decide to be a soft blob and try hug me? I don't want that. So, fuck you. Fuck everything, I just want to sleep." She plopped onto the bedcovers once she finished speaking, her limbs flailing.
Noelle watched her silently, not interrupting her once through her little emotional tangent, the different topics and subjects seeming to have been a complete pile up from a long period of time and Valentina needed someone to just sit and listen to everything. And Noelle did exactly that, patiently sitting through everything and trying her best not to get whiplash from the jumps from thought to thought.
"Finally."
Valentina swallowed a silent sob, one watery eye peaking open. She squeaked out a "Huh?"
Noelle propped her head up with a small, decorative fuzzy pillow before calmly speaking. "You've been suffering in silence. And I've tried to get you to try speak up but you choose otherwise and I can't help you through that because I don't know what's happening. I'm smarter than you think, you imbecilic bitch. I know if I do my usual shit, you'd bottle everything up so I've just waited for this to happen. You need to stop trying to be a strong black woman and actually speak about your issues. This depressing music and trying to cover up your dark circles and cancelling sleepovers won't help. So please just fill me in on everything so I can do my best friend duties."
"Everything?" Valentina whispered.
"Everything."
"Okay." She breathed through her nostrils sharply to prepare herself to dump her secrets onto her best friend. "So, I've kissed Vinnie twice."
"Twice?" Noelle asked, which Valentina confirmed with a vague head nod. Clearing her throat, she saved any slight reaction for later. "Alright. What else?"
"I've been to his penthouse, and before you ask - No, we didn't have sex, though I definitely could've because that beautiful place is seductive as shit. He's technically my boss at work since he bought the store prior and this morning, we went out for breakfast, which ended with some weird altercation with his cousin that isn't really his cousin. So he's been quite prevalent recently as much I tried for him not to be." Her voice trailed off, tongue in cheek as her secrets unravel.
Though she noticed the crocodile tears, that hadn't yet fallen, finally went away as she felt her shoulders levitate from the lack of weight. Noelle's mind tinkered. Before it had time to finish doing so, Valentina continued talking hurriedly.
"Okay, I know he's weird and associated with racist pricks like Brian but I trusted him because he's been so—kind to me. He did something that just blew my mind and you know that it's so rare to find understanding people like him. He hasn't caused the weird rut no matter how hard I tried to blame him for it. I'm in a weird rut because I feel strange when I'm around him and I don't understand it. And because I don't like not understanding anything so I didn't want him anywhere near me. And I was right to feel that way because everything points to 'wrong' around him."
Noelle heavily sighed, her hands wrapping together. "My advice right now is to stay away. Take today off work so you don't have to see him and just relax. Too many mysterious problems revolve around him and you don't need this. You've got a lot on your plate and let's start by emptying that plate. We're going to begin by starting the project and tomorrow we'll go to Mary's party."
"Ugh." Valentina groaned into her silky sleeve. "I hate parties."
"I know that. But she's personally invited us both and I think you'll need it." Noelle stated. "So plan a cute outfit, fix your ugly, unwashed hair because we're going. Deadass."
"My hair has been washed." Valentina meekly said.
"Yeah, like a year ago. You look like a damn greaseball and this doesn't and shouldn't represent you as a person, sweetheart."
"Okay buut how about a light brunch instead?" She suggested, already knowing the answer.
"Val. No." Noelle impatiently answered.
"Fine. One last thing?"
"Go on."
Valentina stayed quiet for awhile, her position flipped to laying on the front of her stomach as she picked at the glue between the led strip light and the surface of her headboard, the bright blue hue emanating from the lights beginning to strain her eyes as she stared distantly. Her hesitation only brought Noelle to connect their eyes. "Can we go to my mother's grave today."
Clutching her car keys promptly in her one palm, Noelle smiled sincerely in response. Holding a hand out for Valentina to clutch to fully sit up out of her depressive state, their hands connected in a cute clasp then she gave a little squeeze. "No need to ask, Val. Let's go see the legendary Zee."
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EERY ONSCURE SHADOWS LURKED THROUGH THE TREES AS gusts of wind swept through the deserted graveyard, stray baby hairs catching the corners of Valentina's mouth. She focused on trying to find any mystical creatures hiding within the dark tree stumps, The burly breeze was no joke today, the rustling of long tree branches were louder than her shoes crunching over dried out leaves scattered above the little wefts of grass. Her heartbeat lurching against her ribcage, she hesitated at the long rows of headstones that intimidated her from further following alongside the trail.
Glancing back at the parked little black car, Noelle sat patiently in the driver's seat, her eyes flickering from the screen of her phone to Valentina's nervous facial expression. Softly, she grinned at her best friend and gave an encouraging thumbs up at the window as if urging her to go on. Minutes ago, she offered to go with her but Valentina insisted that it's better she go alone. But now that decision has settled, regret only clouded over her head so running back to the car felt viable. But the heartening thumbs up weirdly worked, her stomach knots unwinding within her gut. You can do this, she chanted in her head.
Her terrible memory struggled to remember exactly which headstone belonged to her mother as usually Candy would take her to the exact spot in the gravesite but determination pushed her forward. Identical rows of stones threw her off as she squinted at the lettering on each one. Walking further away from Noelle's car, the silhouette of the black Polo looked like a pebble in the distance but the whereabouts felt very familiar. So she stopped, then peered down accordingly and right there. There it was.
HERE LIES ZARIAH 'ZEE' PALLAS
LOVING DAUGHTER, SISTER AND MOTHER.
1981 - 2013
REST IN PEACE.
Valentina swallowed hard, her eyes following the label with a certain shock, even though she's read over the words exceeding a dozen times. Yet each time it hurt just that bit more. Sometimes she believed the shock is from how close together the dates were in time or the fact that she was simply dead. Who knows. She didn't like how short the lines were, believing more should be written on the headstone. A whole paragraph going into extreme depth about how remarkable this woman was and she shouldn't just be limited to her family roles.
Ignoring her negative thoughts, she focused on why she was here, her nose inhaled deeply and then, settled next to her grave. She never felt comfortable sitting on the actual grave as if somehow she was hurting her mother so she shuffled next to sepulchre site. Her legs folded into a cross - cross position, the dried grass scuffing the material of her sweatpants. Setting a singular rose in the floor, she pushed away the fact that she quickly bought the flower along the way, last minute.
"Hi, Ma." She whispered. She awaited for an answer like an idiot before clearing her throat uneasily.
"Your birthday is tomorrow but I just thought today would be more convenient. 'Cause this place is super far and I don't have a car still, though I'm trying to save up for it and I haven't really heard from Candy in a while so. Also, I got you a rose since that's what you loved when Dad would give it to you." She rambled on before stopping. "Anyways that doesn't really matter, whatever um."
She shakily laughed whilst twiddling with the stem of the red rose. Good God, why is she nervous. This is her mother. Her discomfort stemmed from not having Candy here, the feeling so unorthodox so now she had nothing feasible to say. No, actually she had a lot to say but words are fucking hard. And she's said a lot today, which is way out of her comfort zone. Actually speaking about her feelings didn't work for her. But it's needed otherwise because not many will listen.
"I miss you. And I know I say it every year for the past decade but you're my mom regardless if you're here or not. Scratch that, you're always here." Valentina rubbed the area that her heart beat in an irregular rhythm. "In here. That's what Candy tells me every time and I used to think it was all bullshit, excuse my language. But now I believe it's actually true because I think I feel it sometimes. When I don't know what to do, a warmth fills my chest. But maybe I'm just making it up, I don't know."
"I don't think I know anything anymore. Or ever. I feel like I'm floating right now. I feel so alone everyday, and the one time I start to feel like someone understands everything about me, he turns out to be an incompetent time waster with secrets that I don't have energy for. I'm just so tired all the time. And I don't want to give a dumb label to it but, is this depression? Is that what this feels like. But what's crazy is I've felt like this for a long time. Ever since you've been gone, I don't think I've been myself. And that was ten years ago, Ma. Sometimes I don't know who I truly am." Her voice cracked.
A water droplet fell onto the gap in her lap onto the grass so her head followed the dreary sky for a sign of rain. Though the puffs of clouds looked full of precipitation, rain hadn't fell just yet. Wetness smeared beside her cheek as her hand swiped away a forgone tear. Oh, she's crying. Valentina hasn't cried in so long, this feeling felt a shaken Coke bottle had ultimately exploded through the bottle cap.
"I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm even crying but this feels good. I get why people cry, I should do this more often. I always try to stop the tears but-." She sniffled into her hand. "I'm happy I'm crying to be honest."
"I'm trying to put more of my feelings into my art but I couldn't even do that because I have so many paintings in my room with no place to put them. I just want to clear everything but who would even buy them? I should just try though because that pessimistic way of thinking is the reason why I'm feeling this fucked up. Why do I keep swearing, I'm sorry, excuse me. Don't listen to that." She put her hand, that didn't dry her tears, over her mouth to muffle the profanities.
Then she started giggling to herself like a crazed person, her laugh echoing in the field. Even though winter had shaved off most the leaves, the remaining brown ones danced on the branches as if they laughed along with Valentina. She peacefully closed her eyes, listening the nature move in serenity as for the first time in a long time, her heartbeat pulsated at a normal pace. She wasn't very spiritual but somehow she believed her mother was somehow speaking back to her.
"Thanks for listening, Mom because I hate talking too much about my issues, I don't want to be a burden. I know I only come twice a year, for your birthday and your anniversary. I'm sorry for that, I just didn't know what to say. That's funny because right now you're the easiest to talk to. Nothing's easy but I'll look for that warmth whenever I don't know what to do. Now I just want to talk to you whenever, I appreciate you and I wouldn't have asked for a better mother. I'll see you later, big Zee."
Gathering herself to her feet, it took her the cold wind brushing over her skin for her to actually make a move away from the beige headstone. It's taken her so long to feel this comfortable here. Placing a lilting kiss on the rough withered stone, she trailed a finger looping over the carved out words, slowing down at 'mother'. Then after some time to breathe, twisted around and walked away towards Noelle's neglected car. A tranquil attitude washed over her veins as the hectic buzz of her thoughts lulled into organisation for the first time in a long time.
The front headlights flickered on as Valentina pulled at the door handle, climbing into her seat with a placid adage. She wanted to speak but nothing had translated from her brain to her lips, only her expression was telling the story. Relief, a slight sense of joy and overall, sadness. Sclera a pale pink from her crying, she looked over at Noelle's proud face, her slim dark brown arms resting on her personally decorated steering wheel.
"You feel any better?" Noelle asked, concern sitting on her tone.
Valentina scanned her best friend's face, appreciation bubbling through her body as she realised how much Noelle has helped in the past couple of hours and uplifted her low spirits. She's always been there, a ride or die for the longest period of time and though Val has never disregarded the facts, acknowledging it hasn't been consistent. So, she hugged her. A warm embrace had Noelle stuck for a second, then her arms wrapped around Valentina's small back over the car's console, her wide nose snuggled into fruity scented hoodie. This felt strange, but needed. They don't usually show their affection towards each other unless it's through a scurry of insults and rude comments. So this little-canoodle couldn't be more weird. It was nice.
People like this were a necessity, and she'd rather jump off a cliff than lose Noelle. Her mother dying taught her to keep her cards close and those that know her cards should be treasured. Noelle can piss her off, can annoy the shit out of her and sometimes show her hypocritical traits but regardless this was her best friend. Her sister. And she'll never get another one like her.
"Noelle." Her whisper muffled into the car seat as they continued hugging. "I love you."
Stiffening in her seat, Noelle pulled away from the hug with sarcastic purse of her full lips. "Yuck, stop being so cringe. What's gotten into you?" The engine ignited, the vehicle spinning to the right to leave the dark graveyard. But a small smile crept up on her cheeky face that Valentina couldn't see from her reclined seat.
"I love you too, Val."
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authors note!
maybe this should be a love
story between Val and Noelle ngl.