Today marks eight years since Mr. Keatings funeral. Eight whole years. Since then, I've seen the guys maybe a couple of times. One at Knox's wedding, to the beautiful Chris. Another at Charlie's wedding, I saw him again around the birth of his first child. One unfortunate outing at the funeral of Steven Meeks, killed by a drunk driver. Pitsy took his life a short five months later. Meeks' death hit him in a different way than it did the rest of us. Much like Neil's did mine. But I guess I was too young and stunned to think out all of my options in the aftermath. As much as I'd like to forget about it, about everything that it did to me, I think constantly about Neil's death. I think constantly about Neil in general. Sometimes, I pretend he's still here. That I can still see him. And sometimes, I still can. I can still see his bright eyes, and his fluffy hair, and his big smile. I can hear his laugh and smell his soap and remember everything good about him.
I miss Neil, a lot. Some days, I miss him so much that I can't breathe. Some days it consumes me entirely, and I can't eat, I can't get out of bed. But most days, even if it took me a while to get there, I'm okay with missing Neil. I still miss him, but it doesn't incapacitate me as much. I find peace in remembering the good things, like his fluffy hair, and his big smile, and his laugh. And the way he used to brush the hair off my forehead. And the way he'd rub his thumb over my knuckles whenever he'd hold my hand. Or how he'd show me affection, by placing his hand on the small of my back, even in a crowded room full of people. The good stuff, the best stuff.
Don't get me wrong, I'd give anything to have just one more day with him. Would give my life if I could, if it meant holding him one last time, kissing him just once more, or having one last dance around our dorm room. Sometimes I wish we hadn't cared so much what people thought, and had loved each other out loud, everywhere, not just in secret. But sometimes life does cruel things, and there's nothing you can do.
Losing Neil was the worst thing to ever happen to me, but even if I knew our love would be terminal, I wouldn't take it back, not even for a second. I wouldn't give up the greatest love of my life, even if I knew how quick it would pass.
But it wasn't really all that quick, was it Neil? Although gone, I know your memory will last forever. And besides, I know I'll see you again some day Neil. I know until then you'll watch me grow, and flourish, and maybe even love again. But never a love like ours, never will I find a love so infinite again. And my love for you is infinite.
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?
Answer.
That you are here—that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.
I'll love you forever, Neil Perry.