CHAPTER 32 | Confused |
Another wave of busy week for me again. When you're a graduating student, you feel like you're at the peak of everything and you're nearing. Just a few more walks, few more runs and you'll get there. But it's not as easy as walking and running . It has hurdles, when you need to climb you have to, when you need to swim in dark depths you have to, when you have to walk in a cold and stormy weather you have to. You have to if you really want to reach the highest peak.
It's exhausting. Yes. Sometimes it feels like it's too far away, but I have to remind myself that I'm also far from the track where I started this.
Konting tiis na lang talaga.
Sumabay rin sa schedule ko ang kabila't kanang promotion para sa release ng libro. Katatapos lang ng printing, some copies were sent to me for the sample and the joy I had when I held it— my first physical book, was beyond measure. It was so fulfilling and heart warming.
The publisher told me that they are going to send copies next week for the books I have to sign. May schedule na rin ako ng photoshoot, and I know anytime soon I have to reveal my identity kaya hinahanda ko na rin ang sarili para roon .
I've been so busy, we did a lot of podcasts and live— of course with my turned off camera. Kabila't kanang event para sa book, we had book and price reveal, mini interviews and so!
Katatapos lang din ng meeting namin, they offered me to have a face to face book signing and I told them I'm go for it. Iniisip ko pa lang na-e-re-reveal ko na ang identity ko sa mga fans ko kinakabahan na 'ko.
Despite of being busy, everything remained under control. My business didn't affect me that much, especially my mental health. Maybe because my stress and exhaustions are for a good cause. I have these feeling of mixed fear, happiness, and excitement for everything. I'm so thrilled that I'm enjoying everything even though it's tiring.
"Sige na Thalia, last na talaga 'to. Ito lang talaga! Maawa ka na please!" Napahinga ako nang malalim, ito na naman si Lara at kinukulit na naman ako sa engineering student na 'yon. Hindi pa rin siya tapos sa alok niyang double date para ma-date niya ang crush niya. Ewan ko ba bakit dinadamay niya ako sa lovelife niya.
"Busy ako Lara, I have no time for that." Niyakap ko ang dalang libro, inayos ko rin ang salamin bago umambang aalis na ng classroom.
"Sige na, nakita mo naman na si, Ranzel. Guwapo 'di ba? Hindi mo pagsisisihan ang mukha. Chance mo na 'to para magkajowa, alam ko naman na maganda ka pero minsan lang makakita ng lalaki na patay na patay sa 'yo," ani Lara habang sinusundan ako sa hallway.
Ranzel, right. That's the name of that engineering guy who kept texting me. Nagkita kami sa main building last week, kasama ko si Lara nang mangyari 'yon.
He introduced himself at oo guwapo siya, kaya lang masyadong presko at mahangin. Masyado rin siyang feeling close at madaldal. Mabuti na lang talaga at magkalayo ang building ng engineering at psychology kun'di lagi kong makakasalamuha ang lalaking 'yon.
"Hindi ako naghahanap ng boyfriend," ani ko kay Lara.
"Sige na Thalia please, last na talaga 'to promise. Gagawin ko lahat ng gusto mo kapag ginawa mo ang favor ko, kahit utosan mo 'kong maghilamos sa inidoro gagawin ko basta—"
"That's so gross Lara." Ngumiwi ako.
"What I'm trying to say is I'm willing to do everything para lang pumayag ka." Hindi ko na naintindihan pa ang sunod na mga sinabi ni Lara nang mag-vibrate ang phone ko.
Napangiti ako nang makita kung sino ang nag-text. It's like something jumped within me upon seeing his name.
Yijin Lorenzo:
Hi, nasa parking na 'ko.
"Kaya sige na Thalia, big scoope mga engineer, 'di ba ganoon 'yung mga binabasa mo? Ayaw mo ba noon? Sige nga—"
Nakangisi kong hinarap si Lara, "No thanks. I have my engineer."
Lara's eyes immediately widened, "Your engineer?" she said, almost hysterical. Nalaglag naman ang panga ko, huli ko na na-realize ang sinabi. Oh, my gosh Chantal! What are you thinking? What did you just say!
"Lara I—" she cut me off.
"Don't tell me you're dating someone?" she asked. Sunod-sunod naman ang ginawa kong pag-iling. Pakiramdam ko para akong pusa na nahuling nagnanakaw ng ulam.
"No, no, no. No! What I mean is, I have to go because. . . my engineer friend is waiting for me outside." I stepped backwards, umamba naman siyang susunod kaya agad kong pinigilan. "Don't you dare follow me Lara, kung hindi, hindi talaga kita pagbibibyan sa request mo." Nalito siya sa sinabi ko, na para bang may pag-asa ba siya dahil sa condition ko o ano. Whatever it is, I took the time to immediately run away.
Halos sabunotan ko pa ang sarili habang iniisip ang sinabi ko kanina. Ano ba Chantal! Get a hold of yourself, ano'ng pinagsasabi mo? Your what?
Kinakailangan ko pa tuloy pumasok sa common bathroom para lang pakalmahin ang sarili ko. Nag-over react ako, mali 'yung sinabi ko kay Lara. My tounge slipt!
Habang kinakalma ang sarili hindi ko mapigilang mainis. Bakit ko ba kasi nasabi 'yon! Spur of the moment? Whatever it is, naiinis ako sa sarili ko!
Kunot ang noo ko nang makita si Yijin. Nakangiti siya sa 'kin, he's approaching me but I can't get myself to equal his smile. Bigla rin akong nainis na makita ang pagmumukha niya ngayon.
"Hi, you're okay?" tanong niya nang makalapit ako sa sasakyan niya. I faked a smile, excited ako ngayon dahil sikat na book store ang pupuntahan namin. I've never been there kaya gustong-gusto ko talagang pumunta, then it happened that Yijin knows the place, naikwento ko sa kanya ang tungkol sa book store kaya niyaya niya 'kong pumunta roon. Excited sana ako kaya lang nainis ako sa sarili ko kanina.
Why did I call him my engineer? Gosh, parang gusto kong isuka ang sinabi.
"Yeah, okay lang. Medyo pagod lang sa school pero kaya pa naman."
Ipinilig niya ang ulo, it's like he's doubting what I just said. "Are you sure? Medyo malayo ang biyahe, we can reschedule this if you're tired. Pwede namang pumunta na lang tayo sa restaurant ngayon tapos sunod na lang 'yung. . . bookstore," naninimbang na aniya. Agad naman akong umiling.
"Hindi na, busy kasi ako next week. Wala akong time gumala," ani ko. I saw doubt in his eyes, na para bang nagtataka siya sa 'kin. I sighed heavily and avoided his gaze. Yijin's eyes are so transparent, iyon ang napansin ko nitong mga nakaraang linggo.
"Okay then," he said before opening the door for me. Hindi ko na siya tiningnan at sumakay na sa kotse niya. He entered his car and I suddenly felt his heavy stare on my peripheral vision. I acted as if I didn't notice it, hinilig ko ang ulo sa bintana. He started the engine and remained silent. Ramdam niya sigurong wala ako sa mood ngayon.
"How's school?" he asked. Nasa kalagitnaan na kami ng biyahe pero tahimik pa rin kaming dalawa. He's asking questions from time to time. . .and him doing that reminds me of our days in Lusiento, ganoon din 'yon. Siya rin lagi ang nagtatanong dahil masyado akong mahiyain at tahimik.
"Okay naman," tipid kong sagot. Ewan ko pero naiinis talaga ako ngayon, alam kong maliit na bagay lang 'yon pero hindi ko alam bakit ang big deal para sa 'kin. Pati si Yijin nadadamay sa inis ko, eh wala naman siyang kinalaman.
Hindi pala, may kinalaman siya sa iniisip ko.
"You can sleep if you're tired, gigisingin na lang kita kapag nandoon na tayo." Binalingan ko si Yijin. He's looking in front. I shut my eyes tightly and nodded. Hindi na ako nagsalita, hindi ako makatulog kaya nagpanggap na lang akong tulog.
Thoughts were running down on my mind. I hate to admit it but it's all because of Yijin. Halos dalawang buwan na rin nang muli kaming magkita. Pinupuntahan niya 'ko sa school, inaayang kumain at lagi rin siyang nagte-text. I consider it normal and okay because we're friends who happened to meet again, we did catch up a lot of things to talk kaya normal lang na palagi kaming nagkikita. We're friends! And I justify it that way.
Pero sino na ang niloloko ko? Obviously myself! Walang magkaibigan lang na babae at lalaki na ganito kung mag-bonding! And come to think of it, hindi kami gano'n ka close ni Yijin noon para maraming bagay na kailangan e-catch up.
And friend my ass! I told him that I never saw him as a just friend kasi may pagtingin ako sa kanya.
What we're doing is not normal. Hindi ito gawain ng magkaibigan lang! Something is really going on, this is not just a mere old friends that meet again.
I almost slap myself when I realized I'm making up conclusions again. Nag-a-assume na naman ako ng kung ano-ano. Para akong nakainom ng lason nang maalala ko ang mga nangyari noon.
Ganito rin 'yon, eh. Yijin is so good and nice to me that I'll end up assuming things from him. And I can't believe na hinahayaan ko ang sarili na mangyari iyon, sa ikalawang pagkakataon!
Narinig kong may minanipula si Yijin. Hindi ako gumalaw at nagpanggap lang na tulog.
This is very alarming, this is not good for me. Yijin is just. . . he is just someone I know. Hindi ko na dapat inuungkat ang feelings ko noon na binaon ko na sa limot. I was young back then, those were just minor moments. Iba na ngayon.
Agad akong napadilat nang marinig ang pagtunog ng stereo. The song's intro was so familiar that it made my thoughts stop.
"All of my life, I thought I was right. Looking for something new."
Nag-uunahan sa pagdagundong ang dibdib ko nang marinig ang kantang iyon. It was so long ago when I heard that yet it's so familiar.
"Stuck in my ways, like old-fashioned days. But all the roads led me to you."
Memories came flashing down. The sound of that music brings me to that moment of my life where everything seems so fine and nothing could go wrong.
"The house that you live in don't make it a home. But feeling lonely don't mean you're alone. People in life, they will come and they'll leave."
A moment in my life where I'm too young to understand the lyrics. And above all, a moment in my life where. . .
"But if I had a choice I know where
I would be. Through the lows and the highs, I will stay by your side
There's no need for goodbyes, now I'm seeing the light. When the sky turns to grey and there's nothing to say. At the end of the day, I choose you."
A moment in my life where a love so young blooms. A hope in the pink sky. Carefree but with limitations. A feeling of finally having someone to give your heart to. A moment where. . . I fell in love.
Alam na alam ko ang kantang 'yan. That was the song when Yijin and I danced with the amazing manifestation of hope as our background. The pink sky.
That was the song, when everything started.
"Do you, remember the song?" Yijin asked breathily. I stared at him and nodded.
"I still remember it, the song was so. . . nostalgic."
"I choose you," he said the title. But it more feels like he's declaring it to me.
Umiwas ako ng tingin, I face the window and bitterly smiled at myself. Ang bata kong puso, asang-asa sa crush niya noon. Ano kaya ang sasabihin niya sa 'kin ngayon kung may pagkakataon siya.
I miss seeing the pink sky, hindi pa 'ko nakakakita ng ganoon sa City. Hindi ko alam kung masyado lang ba akong busy o wala talaga.
The book store was so nice and visitor friendly. Kung wala lang akong masyadong iniisip, baka mas nag-enjoy pa 'ko. I really love the smell of books, especially the new ones!
Syempre, bumali ako ng libro. Swerte nga at may stock sila noong mga hinahanap ko na hindi ko makita sa usual bookstores na binibilhan ko. I bought a book for my course and a New York times novel na hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan matatambak sa shelf ko.
Pagkatapos naming maglibot sa bookstore ay kumain kami sa malapit na restaurant. I stop myself from throwing tuntrams, pinigilan ko rin ang sarili na mainis kay Yijin kasi wala naman talaga siyang kasalanan.
Dahil tahimik ako buong biyahe, bumawi ako at mas naging up para sa conversation.
"I didn't expect that you're the type of person to visit a bookstore," I told him while we're waiting for our orders. We're in an Italian restaurant right now, the place is so cozy and elegant. Wala rin masyadong tao kaya mas komportable.
"Nagbabasa rin naman ako ng libro," depensa niya. Natawa naman ako.
"I'm sure, inspirational books or about engineering?" Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata. Nagkibit siya ng balikat at natawa.
"Well. . . I'm also up for novels." Tila nahihiya niyang pag-amin, my eyes widened a little. Obviously, nagulat sa sinabi niya.
Marami akong kilalang lalaki na mahilig sa novels pero si Yijin? He's not the type to read such.
I gave him a I don't believe you look kaya natawa ulit siya.
"Totoo nga," pangungumbinsi niya. Umiling siya, he grabbed his phone and click something. Pagkatapos ay iniharap niya sa 'kin ang cellphone niya.
My mouth agaped when I saw the reading and writing app on his phone. Nagsusulat din ako sa platform na 'yon kaya alam ko.
"Hmm, sige nga. What's your favorite novel?" I asked, hindi pa rin ako naniniwala sa kanya. To know that Yijin is reading a novel book was so shocking, ano pa kaya nang sinabi niyang nagbabasa siya sa reading app na 'yon.
"Well, I haven't read much. But I have this one. . . hmm, kinda favorite story."
"What is it? Recommend it at baka magustohan ko," I said excitedly. O baka rin nabasa ko na ang favorite niya.
Yijin looked at me shyly, nahihiya talaga siyang pag-usapan ito? Well me, I find it exciting.
"Come on? What's the title?" I asked, urging him.
"Lost In The Weather." Tila tumigil ang puso ko sa pagtibok nang marinig ang sinabi niya. Pakiramdam ko nabingi ako.
"Huh?" tulala kong ani.
"Lost In The Weather was the book's title, written by Luxury. The book was nice and kinda. . . familiar."