"It's easier if I'm the one you blame
For everything, for every single
Memory in your brain.
We both got stories, but they're not the same.
So make believe, eventually,
You can forget my name.
But it's easier if I'm the one you blame."
- The Maine
***
Liam's POV
We drive through the night.
The only time Ira actually speaks to me is when she insists I pull over, and even then, it's only to tell me to take a break and let her drive before I kill us both in a fiery car crash.
Other than that, we ride in silence.
I guess I can't blame her. She can tell I'm lying to her, and who would want to bother with conversation if it isn't going to be honest?
You'd think a ten hour drive spent in near silence would be enough to make me regret it, make me wish I'd just told her the truth, but I don't.
I know I should have an answer, some important reason for dragging up such a distant memory, such a private memory.
But I don't. I don't know why I asked her if she remembered that night.
It was like some part of me just needed to know.
Maybe somehow, after everything, I'm still clinging to the fantasy - the girl in my dreams, the one I've been thinking about for as long as I can remember, the girl who was every one of my firsts.
Maybe I wanted to know if any of it felt real to her.
Maybe I wanted to know if any of it felt real to me.
But I don't know how to say that. I don't know how to admit that. So maybe lying to her wasn't the right thing to do, but it sure was a hell of a lot easier than the truth.
By the time I glimpse the cabin through the trees, I'm absolutely exhausted. I've barely slept in days, and when we finally pull into the familiar garage, I'm glad to be back.
This place isn't home, but it's the closest thing I've had to it for a while.
Weston and his family used to vacation here when he was growing up. When I told him what was going on, that someone had attacked me in my apartment and I needed somewhere to get away for a while, he didn't hesitate to suggest this place.
It's been in his family for generations now, and thankfully, it's out of the way enough that you'd be hard-pressed to find it without a detailed map. His great-grandpa was a real conspiracy nut, always believed someone was out to get him.
I guess his paranoia paid off eventually, because now, it's been the perfect location for us to stay off the grid for a while.
Weston's brought me up here with him a few times. He, Fletcher, and I would come out for the occasional camping trip back when we were at school together.
I even came up here with Lydia a few weekends.
With the forest surrounding us and the lake nearby, it always seemed like the kind of place where the outside world ceased to exist, where I could leave all my problems behind, and pretend, just for a little while, that everything was going to be okay.
As we pull into the garage, I wait for that feeling to hit me again, that feeling of peace and control, but it only takes one glance at Ira to know that it isn't going to come.
Not now, not when so much is wrong between us.
Ira barely waits for me to shut off the engine before she's wrenching open the passenger side door and storming into the house.
It's like she can't get away from me fast enough.
I follow closely behind her and head inside to find Fletcher in the kitchen.
He looks up from the dishes he's been washing and grins. "Hey, you're back," he says. "I was starting to think you two were goners. How was it? Find what you were looking for?"
Ira stops and glances at me, acknowledging my existence for the first time in hours. Her eyes take me in, colder than I've ever seen them, before turning back to Fletcher. "No," she says. "Nothing worth remembering at least."
With that, she heads upstairs without another word. A few seconds later, I hear the bedroom door slam.
Fletcher turns to me, eyebrows raised.
I stare back. "What?"
He just shakes his head, swinging a towel over his shoulder. "I take it things didn't go very well."
"Things went fine," I reply. "We got some answers. None of them good."
I spend the next fifteen minutes or so telling him everything we learned over the past few days, excluding some of the more intimate details, and he listens, the way he and Weston always do.
You know, I can never tell if they really believe me or if they think I'm bat-shit crazy. At at this point, I guess it doesn't matter. They listen, and that what counts.
When I'm finished, he lets out a breath. "I don't know what to tell you, mate. That sounds really heavy." I nod, and the two of us stand in silence for a moment. Finally, he looks up at me. "What's got her so upset though?"
I raise an eyebrow. "I just told you. Mortal peril, impending doom. Weren't you listening?"
Fletcher gives me a look. "Correct me if I'm wrong, mate, but that wasn't existential dread she was shooting your way a minute ago," he says. "I mean, holy shit, if looks could kill."
I sit down on one of the kitchen stools and run a hand over my face, letting out a sigh. "Yeah, the thing is, we kind of got drunk last night, and we.. almost kissed."
His eyes widen as he sits down on the stool beside mine. "Well, shit man, way to bury the lead."
I turn away. "It wasn't important."
"Does she think that?"
I can hear the smugness in his voice, and frustration rises in me. "I don't know, alright?" I reply. "We just were drunk. It was..."
My voice trails off.
Talking about it feels strange. I've been letting that moment exist in an alcohol-fueled haze, drifting in and out on the edges of my memory, refusing to look at it any closer; but saying it out loud brings it all back into focus.
I remember everything - every second. I remember the way her skin felt beneath my hand, the way she shuddered beneath my touch. I remember the way her eyes watched me, trained on my every move, and the way her breathing picked up when I leaned in.
I remember looking at her lips and wondering if she'd taste the same in real life as she does in my dreams.
A shiver runs through me, even now, but I push it down. Being close to her like that was like some kind of drug. I'm scared that if I think about it too much, I'll end up wanting to do it again.
"It was nothing," I finish. "Just a drunken mistake."
"I'm guessing you told her that."
"What else was I supposed to say?"
He stands up and heads back over to the sink before starting on another dish. "I don't know," he says. "How about the truth?"
"If I knew what that was, then maybe I would."
"You should talk to her."
I shake my head. "Trust me, she doesn't want to talk to me. The last ten hours of silence was proof enough of that."
He stops scrubbing to give me a look. "She doesn't want you to lie to her. There's a difference."
I push away from the counter and stand, my patience now hanging by just a thread.
I am so sick of everyone acting like this is all so simple.
Anita, Fletcher, Ira - all of them trying to convince me that this should be easy for me.
Just be honest, and everything will be fine. Just open up, and everything will become clear. Just tell the truth, and everything will be okay.
If there's one thing I learned from everything that happened with Lydia, it's that being open and honest isn't always what's best. Sometimes honesty can be the thing that drives someone away, that gets them hurt.
I won't make that mistake again, even if it means lying to myself to make it through the day.
And more importantly, the night.
***********************
***********************
A/N - Hey guys! Long time no see! Hope everyone had a great weekend, and at least a decent Monday.
Comment a 🦋 if you liked the chapter and you're ready for the next one!
It's been such a struggle to write lately. Not sure what's been going on in my head these days, but it's been so much harder to focus. Hoping I start to feel like I have my feet under me again soon.
Anyways, enough about me. Song at the top is "Blame" by The Maine. One of my all-time favorite bands, and if you haven't listened to them yet, make sure to check them out! They have a new album coming out today that I'm very excited about.
Remember to vote and comment while you read! Other than that, hope you all have a great rest of your week! As always, Happy Reading! ♡