Chapter Thirty
Elle's POV
Kaden's knee bumped mine under the table as we leafed through the applications from the Umbra pack. I looked up, seeing a faint smile touching his lips. He appeared to be studying the application before him, but his eyes gave him away as he glanced over every few seconds. 'Are you okay?' he asked when he finally realised I had caught him.
'Fine.' I huffed, moving to put another file into the maybe pile.
Kaden picked it up before it hit the table and leafed through it quickly. 'Elle, I saw you and Jacobi finally go at each other's throats. You're sure you don't want to talk about it?'
'It's nothing,' I groaned, watching him place my maybe in the not-yet pile. 'It's just-' I cut myself off with a sigh. I grabbed another application more forcefully than necessary and stared at the words unseeingly. 'Do you think I'm being unfair? Jacobi thinks I'm angry at him because I can't be angry at you.'
Kaden returned to the application he was looking at before he'd picked up mine, but he didn't flip through the pages like he usually would. 'What do you think?'
'I don't know.' I admitted, turning the page despite not seeing any words on the front. 'I thought we were friends for thirteen years, and it hurts knowing it was a lie. With you, there was never anything really there. I saw you at the hotel and sometimes around town, but we didn't talk. It didn't feel personal. Jacobi knew everything about me; what grades I got; all the times I got grounded; he knew when I was on my period and what snacks I liked when that happened.'
'It's okay to feel hurt.' Kaden said softly.
'But,' I hedged, tightening my hand around the edge of my chair. When he didn't continue, I did, stealing the words. 'But it's been a year. Shouldn't I be over it?' I took a deep breath, centring myself before letting my thoughts run wild. 'He hasn't ever told me any of that stuff!' Kaden put the application down, peering at me silently across the table. 'I guess I haven't given him a chance after everything came out. God, I'm horrible. I never stopped to consider it from his perspective. I've been selfish, only thinking about myself and what I went through. I didn't even think about what it meant when I realised we'd become friends in Kindergarten.' My breath caught in my throat, and I hung my head, my cheeks burning as a lump formed in my chest. 'He was so young.'
'He was.' Kaden agreed gently. 'I don't think you should blame yourself for caring for yourself. I might be biased, but I would rather you were selfish and cared for yourself than spread yourself too thin to get to the point we are today. I'd bet Jacobi agrees, and that's why he hasn't said anything until now. He was giving you the space you needed to heal.'
'Why now?' I gasped, pressing myself firmly into the chair and digging my heels into the wood.
'What do you think, Elle?'
I rolled my lips between my teeth and stared past Kaden's shoulder to the training fields. 'Maybe he thinks I'm done healing.'
'I don't think we'll ever get to the point that we'll be done healing.' Kaden sounded so calm, like he had resolved himself to that fact a while ago. 'Elle, a year ago, I would never have imagined the person you are today. You have been through so much, and to come out of the other side as the person you are is something to be incredibly proud of. You're stronger now because of your experiences, but I'm not sure Jacobi would have seen that three months ago. I don't think you believed it three months ago.'
I shifted uneasily, twisting my hands into a tight knot. 'What do I do then?'
'That's up to you.' Kaden leaned back in his chair, and I finally met his stare. 'I will support whatever you decide, but it might not be bad to believe Jacobi when he says he really was your friend.'
'I had an interesting conversation with Fallyn today.'
'Mhh?' he hummed with a subtle nod.
I nodded, leaning forward in my seat. 'She asked about my decision on University. I told her I was thinking about getting my degree in Business Management. She was under the impression I would take on the role of Luna sooner rather than later and do them simultaneously.'
Kaden matched me, leaning closer to me as he studied me intently. 'Again, it's up to you whether you want to do that.'
I hesitated, forcing myself to untangle my hands before asking the question on my mind. 'What would happen if I said yes?'
Kaden straightened, his face stoically serious as he explained. 'The timeline would be up to you, but you'd have a Luna Ceremony, and the shift of power would occur. I've seen people pull together a ceremony a week after the announcement, but I've also seen much longer. We would need to give enough time to our pack to be able to make it. If you wanted to invite Tahlia, we would need to give her more notice since the trip would take her time to organise. My ceremony was planned for years, but the date wasn't chosen until after your trial.'
'Would it be awful if I didn't invite as many people?' I whispered hoarsely.
'Not at all,' Kaden stood and came around the table to stand before me, reaching for my hand. 'Rhunni would need to spin it a certain way, but no, if you wanted a smaller ceremony, we could make that happen.'
'Okay,' I breathed in deeply, squeezing his hand gently. I offered him a small smile. 'Do I have to decide now? Can I think about it?'
'Take as long as you need.' He squeezed back. 'If you want to start the semester and see if you could do both, we could wait until then.'
'Okay,' I repeated, knocking his knee with my own. I reached past him for another application and stared at it bleary-eyed. 'How many more of these?'
Kaden looked towards the boxes over my shoulder. I had been pushing them from my thoughts, not wanting to think about the hours it would take us to sort through them. 'Only a few more.'
'Liar.' I laughed, leaning forward to rest my head against his chest. 'Remind me again why we didn't get someone else to do this.'
Kaden sniggered, his fingers sinking into my hair. 'Because someone said, and I quote, "No one else should do this. I don't want anyone's bias' meaning someone misses out."'
'Whoever said that was an idiot.' I groaned. 'My brain is so fried that I'm going to start accepting applications left and right just to get through the rest quickly.'
'Maybe we should have an early dinner and get some sleep so we can try again tomorrow with fresh eyes.' Kaden suggested, his fingers gliding to the nape of my neck, his lips pressing a kiss to the top of my head.
My lids felt heavy at the slight pressure of his fingers, and even though it sounded like a brilliant idea, I snorted, saying, 'Alright, Grandpa.'
I felt his muscles shift as he bent, lowering his lips to my ear. 'You're going to regret saying that.' He murmured my body heating in response, a flush rising through my cheeks. He turned slowly, pressing his lips firmly against the skin near my ear and breathing deeply. Kaden's lashes fluttered against my skin, and I closed my eyes with a sigh. 'I love you, Elle.'
Kaden shifted his arms around my back, and I sank into his embrace.
I had heard those words every day since I'd first said it, and it filled my heart with warmth each time. I twisted my hands into the fabric of his shirt, holding onto him, breathing in the smell of citrus and dewy mornings. 'I love you, too.'
***
I spared a glance at my slippers, a tiny thrill zipping up my spine. I hadn't told anyone I'd lost my slippers in the move, but Kaden had noticed. Winter was slowly drawing to its coldest days, and the house was always a little chilly now since werewolves tended to run hotter than humans.
I found them outside my door a week ago, still in their box, without any fanfare. Since no note had accompanied the shoes, I'd watched Kaden's face closely when I'd first worn them. His small smile upon seeing them had given him away.
I wanted to wear them. My room was warm, but I knew the hallways and kitchen would be colder. But my socks would be quieter as I moved through the house at night.
Standing before the door, I took a deep breath, bracing myself for Ashen on the other side. He sat on the chair he dragged over each night, one leg propped up on his knee and a book nestled in his palms. 'Slippers.' He grumbled without looking up.
I didn't bother arguing, slipping them on as the cool hallway air flushed the warmth from my room. 'Are you sure you're warm enough?' I asked softly, burying my hands in the pockets of my jumper.
'I'm fine.' His voice softened as he looked up, studying me. 'You'll make a good Luna one day.'
I reined in my initial response and sat with it for a moment. Then, trying not to let my voice wobble, I said, 'Thank you.'
It was a weak attempt, but Ashen didn't say anything as we moved down the hallway.
I pressed the heel of my hand into my heavy eyelids, trying to ease the scratchiness in my eyes. My body ached from a restless sleep, and I clutched my empty glass as we moved towards the stairs.
I had only gotten a few hours of sleep before the reality of everything came crashing down. I tossed and turned for an hour, trying to convince myself that sleep was best and not pulling an all-nighter looking over the applications, only to do it all again tomorrow. My stomach was roiling with the thought of all the werewolves who didn't have a safe place to stay tonight, and I felt like I was letting them down by sleeping.
My hand dropped to the banister as I stifled a yawn. I heard Ashen moving behind me and turned to see he had moved into the hallway leading down to the offices. Behind him, one of the doors emitted a soft light around the edges, bathing the hallway in a hazy glow.
'You left your drink bottle in there.' Ashen began, nodding his head toward the door to Kaden's office. 'You might as well get it.'
I nodded but hesitated as I mentally prepared to go back in. If I saw the applications, I couldn't walk away without going through more of them. I also braced myself to see Kaden, knowing he must have felt the same way I had about leaving those werewolves unprotected.
Kaden had the door open by the time I set my glass on the hallway table, and he leaned against the frame, taking up most of the doorway. He unfolded his arms as I approached, reaching for me, and as my hand slipped into his, he pulled me closer so I was tucked up against his chest.
I breathed deeply and, melting into his hold, let my eyes sink shut, his arms tightening around me. 'Couldn't sleep.' I murmured into his shirt as my fingers drew small circles along his back.
'Can I get anything for you?' His voice rumbled over me, settling comfortably somewhere in my chest as his hands moved. He placed one firmly on my back while the other cradled the back of my head, my hair slipping between his fingers.
I felt his lips move against my temple as I shook my head and breathed a soft sigh. 'I just keep thinking about the people we could be helping if I was still looking at the applications.'
Kaden's fingers moved slightly, creating a soft pressure against my scalp that had me shivering. 'We can look at more if it'll help you sleep better.'
I nodded, settling into the chair across from Kaden. We lost track of time as we scoured over the applications.
We didn't talk much as we sorted them into our piles, and it wasn't until I yawned for the nth time that Kaden finally put an application down and didn't pick up another. 'Time for bed, gorgeous.'
As Kaden pried another application from my hands, I muffled another yawn with my palm. 'Only if you're going too.' I murmured, leaning into him as he helped me from the chair.
He chuckled softly, 'Come on.'
I didn't realise until later, after Kaden had tucked me in with a gentle kiss, that he hadn't agreed to go to bed. On the precipice of sleep, so close it almost felt like a dream, I heard the soft creak of a floorboard and wondered if Kaden had forgotten something in his office.