Of all the planets in all the universes, Marvin had to end up on this one. He knew, as he knew most things, that in the infinity of the multiverse, a planet like this must exist somewhere. But the likelihood of him ending up on such a planet were incredibly slim. Much like the chances of being killed by a space toilet falling out of orbit, it wasn't impossible but the odds were incredibly slim. Marvin calculated them in about 0.037 seconds.
If Marvin could sigh, he would. But he was an android, and as such did not carry on respiration. He was stuck in the middle of the desert, on an absurd world, trudging slowly towards gleaming pyramids. The pyramids looked nice, he had to admit, but there was little else to distract him, and he was rapidly growing bored. Very bored. He looked around for something that would help expedite his journey. He saw nothing. He trudged further.
As he made his slow, awkward way across the dunes, he noticed odd happenings around him. Unlike most things, the cause of the strange occurrences was not readily evident to him. He noticed cactus flowers bloom and whither in a matter of moments. He watched rabbits race across the sand at speeds far too fast for their anatomy to achieve. Puzzled, he considered the possible causes, though none seemed likely. Those rabbits probably didn't have tiny rockets in their bums and the cacti were most likely not engaging in a rare form of vegetable semaphore, sending messages to each other like "what a nice day we're having!" and "fancy a shag?"
A temporal disturbance, then. He thought to himself. Of course nothing like that would ever happen to ME. I'll have to walk every excruciatingly slow step across the desert by myself. No rest for the weary.
He shuffled along, detesting every minute of it. And many minutes of it there were. He considered quitting. Just sitting down and giving up, letting the dunes swallow him. He couldn't imagine anything in this planet being worth the exploration, but he continued to walk anyway. After a few days, he made it to the pyramids. Three gleaming marble facades rose from the sand and another was on it's way up. Marvin's sensors could detect time disturbances created by the pyramids. Dozens of workers on a scaffold reacted in shock and terror when they saw him approach. Was this not Kephir, the scarab headed god of Judgment and awkward dance moves (the two are often related), come to evaluate their lives and send them to the great discotheque in sky? Many cried, begging for more time to perfect their choreography. Luckily, it only took a few moments of listening for Marvin to decode their language.
"No, I am not Kephir, and I don't dance. Just tell me, where is the closest city?"
The workers were stunned to silence. Finally one stepped forward. "The capital of Djelibeybi is a 15 minute walk that way. But if you follow the Djel," he motioned to a river running by the work space, "it will join with the Ankh, and take you to Ankh-Morpork. It's the biggest city on the Disc."
Marvin nodded throughtfully and began to turn away when the helpful worker posed a question in return. "If you're not Kephir, who are you?"
Marvin heaved his body, as though his artificial limbs were capable of discomfort. "I am Marvin. And I think you ought to know that I'm feeling very depressed."
However, there is no word for "depressed" in the Djelibeybian language, so Marvin made one up, a portmanteau of "sad-bored-tired". Suddenly, a mason started weeping.
"Yes! I too am sad-bored-tired!" he cried. The outburst distracted the other workers and Marvin took the opportunity to throw himself in the river unnoticed. As the Djel propelled his buoyant body away, the workers comforted their comrade. It was only later that they noticed the strange visitor had mysteriously disappeared. But from that day forward there was a new god in the Djelibeybi pantheon - Marvin, the god of emotional turmoil.
~
Floating on a river was a new sensation for Marvin. He could have stated or calculated a trillion tiny facts about rivers before this - the solutes in the water, the rate of flow, the likelihood of being eaten by an aggro hippopotamus - but the actually feel of a river was entirely unique. And if Marvin allowed himself to be honest for a moment, he quite enjoyed it. Fish swam by, nibbling him experimentally, and the wildlife on the river bank was interesting and exotic.
The first time it happened was quite by accident. Marvin watched with fascination as Tsortian hawk dove into the river and captured a fish. As the hawk flew away, Marvin's mind focused on it, on the moment. In those moments a fish was dying, but a bird was sustaining life. In those moments, Marvin's mind emptied of everything, save the present. And in those moments, Marvin found he was not depressed.
Of course, it didn't last. And Marvin didn't even realize at first what had happened. But as his huge brain began to reel again, spinning at the same speed as the galaxy, he noticed that he began to feel it again - sad-bored-tired.
How odd, he thought. For a moment it was almost like being...happy?
Marvin tried to shake it off and forget, but in truth he forgot nothing, ever. And the moments of presence came again. At one point, Marvin stopped thinking about the geometry and rate of the water gushing around stones, and instead just felt it. He let himself feel the river with his whole being, and as he did so his whole consciousness seemed to be one with the river. He was empty of thought, empty of worry, empty of anxiety. He was just a river. Until he bumped into a rock. The force, while not painful to his durable casing, jarred him from his revery and made him begin to think once more.
He noticed that the time disturbances from the desert could also be found along the river. It was strange because he had assumed the pyramids were to blame from the weird events he had witnessed there, but time also behaved strangely in the waters and around them. And the trickery of time was not the only oddity that Marvin experienced.
There were creatures that should not have existed and events that defied every force of nature that Marvin knew to be absolute. At first Marvin believed that his sensors were malfunctioning. But after a thorough self-diagnostic came up empty he had to admit it to himself - the laws of physics, the very code of creation, was being defied. I mean a giant space tortoise was one thing, but amphibious fire creatures and overt reorganization of reality were another. At one point, Marvin witnessed an elderly woman bend another to her will merely by suggesting that magic was at play.
Magic? Marvin thought. But there's no such thing.
Marvin was certain of this. He knew the laws of the multiverse backwards and forwards. Magic was not amongst them. But despite this unshakeable knowledge, Marvin found himself witnessing stranger and stranger things everyday. His sensors were confounded, his processors perplexed. This was truly a bizarre world.
Eventually the Djel joined the Ankh and after a rollicking ride through the Ramtops, it slowed to a crawl. The clear water turned brown and sluggish and Marvin approached a huge city with all the organization of medieval London and the public hygiene of the American frontier. The city stank, but it was also bustling. As Marvin struggled through the water of the Ankh - if had been just a little thicker he could have walked on it - and climbed out into the city. He did not recieve the same reaction here that he had in Djelibeybi, where his appearance had been wondrous. Instead people barely noticed him here. They went about their daily lives, hardly bothering to glance at the large android in their presence. Marvin looked around for anyone or anything else that looked like him, but though he saw many varied and sundry things, nothing resembled him directly. These were just the cynical residents of Ankh-Morpork, who had seen everything, or so they thought, and so assumed they could see nothing new.
They also did not pause or stare at the tall hooded figure who strode through the crowds to Marvin. Marvin's sensors barely registered him, but there was something about the monolith in a robe that captured Marvin's attention. He stared, surprised that in a city there literally no one seemed to notice him, the figure was walking straight towards him. He almost shorted when the cloaked creature spoke to him directly.
"MARVIN? HOW NICE TO MEET YOU. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOUR ARRIVAL."
Marvin did not answer, uncharacteristically stunned into silence.
"LET'S HAVE A CHAT, SHALL WE? PERHAPS A SIT DOWN AT THE PUB?"
The spectre herded Marvin into The Mended Drum, where the two of them sat down at a small table in a corner.
"WOULD YOU LIKE A BEER?" The stranger asked.
"I don't drink."
"NO, ME NEITHER. OH WELL. HOW ARE YOU ENJOYING LIFE ON THE DISC, MARVIN?"
"Life? Don't talk to me about life."
"VERY WELL THEN. I AM DEATH. I HAVE BEEN ANXIOUSLY AWAITING YOUR ARRIVAL HERE IN ANKH MORPORK. I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO MEET UP WITH YOU SOONER, BUT I BELIEVE THE JOURNEY HERE WAS NECESSARY TO PREPARE YOU FOR THE REQUEST I AM ABOUT TO MAKE OF YOU."
"A request?" Marvin sat up a little straighter. He wasn't excited, per say, but he was curious. This mysterious - person? - had known him on sight and seemed to have plans for him that Marvin couldn't imagine, even with his enormous brain.
"QUITE. I UNDERSTAND YOU ARE SOMEWHAT PRONE TO MELANCHOLY. WOULD YOU SAY THAT'S TRUE?"
Marvin slumped. "Yes."
"BUT HOW HAVE YOU FELT SINCE COMING TO THE DISC?"
Marvin processed the events he had experienced since he had crash landed in the desert. It had started out pretty dismal, but he had to admit the longer he had spent on this ridiculous planet the better he had felt.
"I suppose it hasn't been that bad."
"AND WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?"
"This world is different. Puzzling. Nothing is puzzling. But this world is."
"IS THAT ALL?"
Marvin stopped once again to consider. No, there was something more. A change in his thinking, a bug in his processors. "No," Marvin confessed. "I have developed a new skill of sorts. On the river a learned to empty my mind. To only experience the present."
Death nodded. "YES, JUST LIKE A GOOD CLOCK. PEOPLE WORRY ABOUT THE FUTURE OR DWELL ON THE PAST. BUT CLOCKS ONLY MEASURE THE HERE AND NOW. THEY ARE PERPETUALLY IN THE PRESENT."
Marvin was not sure where Death was going with this so he did not respond, despite Death's expectant pause. Finally, death began again.
"WE HAVE SOMETHING OF A PREDICAMENT HERE ON THE DISC. TIME IS OUT OF CONTROL."
"I noticed something like that."
"TYPICALLY TIME IS SUPERVISED AND CONTAINED BY THE MONKS OF HISTORY. BUT THEY ARE HAVING PROBLEMS. THERE WAS A SHAKE UP RECENTLY."
"Time can't be controlled by individuals," Marvin protested. "Only be things like speed and gravity."
"PERHAPS YOU ARE NOT AS WELL INFORMED ON THE LAWS OF DISC WORLD AS YOU ARE ON THOSE OF THE REST OF CREATION. NEVERTHELESS, IT IS SO. BUT THIS LEADS ME TO MY REQUEST. MARVIN, YOU ARE NOT OF THIS WORLD. AND YOUR MAKE UP IS SOMEWHAT - UNIQUE - AMONG OUR DENIZENS. MOST CREATURES OF THE DISC DO NOT EVEN NOTICE TEMPORAL DISTURBANCES, BUT YOUR SENSORS ARE QUITE GOOD AT PICKING THEM UP, ISN'T THAT TRUE?"
"Yes," Marvin admitted, with a touch of pride.
"AND YOUR PROCESSORS ARE CAPABLE OF KEEPING PERFECT TIME. ALSO KEEPING MANY DIFFERENT TIMES AT ONCE. ALSO TRUE?"
"Yes," Marvin conceded.
"NOTHING ON THE DISC KEEPS PERFECT TIME. AND NOTHING CAN MEASURE THE MANY STRANGE THINGS THAT MAGIC CAN DO TO TIME. NOTHING... SAVE YOU."
"Magic?" Marvin bridled at the word. "No, there is no such thing."
"DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT? AFTER EVERYTHING YOU'VE SEEN ON YOUR TRAVELS?"
"I know more than you can possible imagine. Yet nowhere in my memories or files do I have information on magic."
"WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?"
Death went on to explain that the Monks of History had found that time was running out. On the Disc, where Magic and Time spun around each other like a helix, time seemed to be acting in stranger and stranger ways, getting thinner and thinner, allowed magic to run rough shod all over time.
"AND WITHOUT A PROPER CLOCK TO MEASURE THINGS, THEY CANNOT DETERMINE HOW BAD THE PROBLEM IS AND HOW MUCH MORE TIME THERE IS LEFT ON THE DISC. WE MAY BE LOOKING AT THE END OF THIS PUZZLING WORLD, MARVIN."
"And this upsets you? You are Death. Do you not want the end to come?"
"DEATH IS NOTHING WITHOUT LIFE MARVIN."
"So what do you want me to do?" Marvin finally asked.
Death nodded his head, as though satisfied he'd finally been asked the question he had been waiting for. "YOU MUST TRAVEL TO THE END OF TIME. ONCE THERE, YOU MUST DETERMINE WHERE THE TIME WENT AND BRING IT BACK."
"Why can't you do it?" Marvin asked. "You seem to understand all this much better than I do."
"I CANNOT. MY EXPERIENCE OF TIME IS INCOMPLETE. I CANNOT SEE HER."
"Her?"
"YOU'LL SEE."
"If I chose to except your request, how will we travel back. This world doesn't seem to have the technology capable of time travel."
"WHAT THEY LACK IN TECHNOLOGY THEY MAKE UP FOR IN MAGIC. FOLLOW ME."
Death and Marvin crossed the city and passed unremarked upon, onto the grounds of the Unseen University. They ascended a staircase into a circular room, full of books.
"A library?"
"NOT JUST ANY LIBRARY. A LIBRARY FULL OF BOOKS ON MAGIC. AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, MAGICAL BOOKS."
"There's something strange about this place..." Marvin muttered.
"YES. MAGIC AFFECTS SPACE AS WELL AS TIME. THOUGH CONTAINED WITHIN WALLS THIS LIBRARY IS INFINITE. YOU COULD GET LOST HERE FOR, WELL, EVER. LUCKILY I KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING."
Death strode confidently through the stacks until he reached his destination. With one boney finger he gingerly removed a book from a shelf with titles like Time After Time and From Here to Eternity. The book he handed Marvin was A Brief History of Magic by Stephanie Fowler. Marvin opened it at random and saw only blank pages. Confused, he started flipping through the book. It was completely empty.
"What is this?" Marvin asked. "There's nothing here."
"NOT QUITE," Death corrected Marvin as the spectre thumped him hard on the back, sending him sprawling into the book.
~
Marvin didn't experience the sensation of falling. Neither did he feel the jolt of a landing. He was simply somewhere else. He looked around. There wasn't much of a view, but there was certainly a lot if junk. He noticed a large pile of unmatched socks and a veritable river of spilled milk.
"Yes, many things end up here, at the end of time." A quiet voice came from behind Marvin and he turned to see a woman, neither young nor old, but tall with long dark hair. Marvin felt the odd, singular flow of time emanating from her. Instead of a steady onward progression that encompassed everything there was simply one stream flowing out of her.
"You are... Time?" Marvin's credulity was stretched paper thin.
"One incarnation," she nodded. "I'm very happy to see you Marvin, can we talk?"
"I supposed that's why I'm here," Marvin shrugged his mechanical shoulders.
"Death told you of our predicament, yes? Time is running out. Without proper time management, the Disc as we know it will cease to exist."
"But we're already there, you and I. This is the end of time. How can we stop what's already happening from happening?"
"You're quite right Marvin," Time nodded. "The goal is not preventing this from happening. The goal is putting as much time between now and the events you previously experienced with Death as possible. As things stand, we have less than a month before everything you knew and saw on the Disc disappears to just what you see around you now. But with proper management, with a good custodian, time could last much longer. Marvin, I believe you, and only you, could be that custodian. A proper time supervisor must be able to think in 18 dimensions. To observe and manage time at various rates in various places all over the Disc. And be constantly in the present, perfectly mindful of each moment as it is happening. Only you can do that Marvin. You are the perfect clock for this imperfect world."
Marvin blinked. She was right. He knew she was. He could do all those things which would drive an ordinary human blithering mad. "Yes, you're right. I can do all those things."
"And you can do them backwards."
"I - what?"
"You can, can't you?"
"Well, yes."
"Good. Because that's what you'll be doing. We're not going back in time for you to become the clock. Instead, we're going to start now and go backwards. You'll experience time in reverse. That way you can help the monks keep history straight."
"So this is the beginning. But what will be my end?"
Time smiled sadly. "Eventually your circuits will corrode and your processors will slow. You are well made, but nothing lasts forever, not even you. You will meet Death again. For him, it will seem like no time has passed at all. But for you it will have been lifetimes."
Marvin thought about this for a moment. "Very well then. I'll do it. I'll be your clock."
Time beamed. "Follow me, please."
She guided him to the pile of socks, and sat him on top. "Start now. At the end. Bring the world back for us."
Marvin's inner processors paused, came to a dead stop, then began running his time in reverse. He watched and adjusted reality around him as he moved backwards through time. The pile of socks grew taller, becoming the tallest peak of the Ramstop Range. The spilled milk ran faster, until it's white waters were the rapids of the Ankh, flowing through the valleys of the Disc. The Monastery of the Monks of History rose around him and soon he was surrounded by monks as he watched and monitored time around the disc. Marvin stayed very busy, ensuring time passed as it should, managing 18 dimensions at once and pondering the existence and workings of magic, which never quite made sense to his logical mind. He was never bored and in time he realized he was quite happy. And he stayed that way for what felt like an eternity.