Please refer to the end notes for this chapter's trigger warnings.
Tuesday, August 23rd 2161, 14:26.
Neo City, South Korea.
Neo City was the quietest it had ever been since the day that Doyoung had stepped foot in the subterranean district on his search for Taeyong. Kun had ordered a "lockdown", though it wasn't enforced, he simply requested that the citizens remain inside of their respective houses, or at the very least, the block in which that happened to be. They'd complied, much to most of Noctis' surprise, but it made their job much easier.
Doyoung and Taeyong both arrived at Block E shortly after Johnny's confrontation, though they'd been specifically told by the older man that they weren't to appear outside of the Arena until they'd both been "dealt with", as he'd put it. It had made for the least satisfying orgasm that he'd had possibly in his whole life, though he wasn't sure if the knowledge of the attack had dampened Taeyong's spirits as much as it did his.
When they arrived, Doyoung immediately recognised one of the two citizens that had been killed by the gunman. It was Mr. Hong, an elderly man who he'd helped in a Fixer job shortly after he'd resigned from the Korean Central Intelligence Agency. He'd been dealing with a repeat-offender thief who Doyoung had caught red-handed and threatened with being forced to leave Neo City.
It was more a bluff than a realistic threat, but it worked nonetheless.
Mr. Hong thought highly of Doyoung—and even the rest of Noctis, after the fact—and he was a man that he was sure he'd never forget. He felt especially sorry for his widowed wife, though. She'd been balling her eyes out the moment that they'd arrived, as she faced Kun, blaming him for failing to protect her husband. The sight pained Doyoung, but he didn't have time to comfort her.
He walked over to Taeil with Taeyong by his side, and glanced down at Mr. Hong and the young woman beside him. They'd been covered by an old blue tarp, but the elderly man's hand peeked out of the side, holding his old phone which was drenched in blood. Doyoung took a deep breath. "Did they at least die immediately?"
"Yeah, pretty much, according to witnesses. Miss. Oh was shot first, and then Mr. Hong called Kun to report the attack. He was shot, and then somebody nearby shot the attacker. He left almost immediately, so I couldn't ask him about what happened, but what the witnesses said does sound pretty solid," Taeil explained. "It's an indiscriminate attack. Random chance and bad luck killed these two."
"It seems to me like it was this guy who killed them, not shit luck. Nobody accidentally takes two shots in the air and hits people," said Taeyong, as he crouched beside the attacker. "Where's this pin that Johnny mentioned?"
"Oh—" said Taeil, reaching into his pocket where he pulled a folded piece of cloth, "—it's here."
Doyoung glanced over Taeyong's shoulder as the older man took the cloth from the medic and uncovered a small bronze pin. It was tainted by small splatters of blood, but it was easy to make out the Namjeong Clan logo beneath it. Taeyong looked closely at it, before turning it upside down. A series of numbers were engraved into the underside. "He's a grunt. A new recruit, too. He's only been in the Namjeong Clan since sometime this year."
"Do you think that the Chairman sent somebody here because you refused to help him find the girl?" asked Doyoung, his voice quiet as a low-ranking member of Noctis passed by. "Do you think that he'd do that?"
"Of course, Doie. There's a reason that he's been the Chairman of the Namjeong Clan for sixteen years. He's not gonna sit on his ass moping because I refused to help him," said Taeyong, and he snickered. "I didn't think that he'd kill innocent people for his cause, though. I was expecting to be attacked or kidnapped, but clearly I thought too highly of a man like him."
"So much for being against the harming of innocent people. I was under the impression that the Namjeong Clan had at least some morals," said Doyoung, shaking his head lightly. "They're no better than the Tengzhi Mafia and Ziyhou Triad."
Taeyong reached into his waistcoat pocket and took out a box of cigarettes. Doyoung scowled as the older man lifted one between his lips and brought his flickering lighter to the tip until it was lit by blazing embers. After taking a drag, Taeyong dropped the Namjeong Clan pin into his pocket. "Morality doesn't exist in Cheongnam, and it most certainly doesn't exist inside of the Namjeong Clan. It's made up of people who prey on the weak for their own personal gain or to get a thrill out of it. If that isn't the case, then they're just bloodthirsty and heartless."
To Doyoung, it seemed as though the older man was referring to himself being bloodthirsty. Though he didn't say it aloud, "like me" was lingering on the tip of Taeyong's tongue for all those observant enough to recognise and threatening to slip at any moment. He frowned and let out a sigh. Doyoung found himself feeling the older man's pain—the uncertainty about himself that nobody could heal other than himself.
"What are we supposed to do now? We can't just stand around and let the Namjeong Clan push us around if we don't want to be seen as weak. If people think Noctis is weak, then they'll come here and harm more people," said Doyoung, and he glanced over in Kun's direction, where the latter was dealing with a group of residents. "People are going to lose trust in Noctis and we'll be driven out of Neo City if they group up and push us away."
"That should be obvious. I'm going to see Chairman Gwan, and I'm going to deal with this once and for all, and he's never going to undermine Noctis or me ever again," said Taeyong, clenching his jaw. "If he's gonna try and start a fight, then I'm willing to play his game. I don't like losing."
Taeil seemed to perk up at Taeyong's words, and he turned to face them both, his brow raised in alarm. "No. That's not happening, Taeyong. I heard what happened during the fight. You're not fit to throw yourself into another fight head-first and expect to come back alive. The Namjeong Clan doesn't have morality, you said that yourself. They're not going to go easy on you."
"I'm not fit to fight? I only have a couple of cuts, Taeil. It's not as though there's something wrong with me. I've fought almost my whole life, I don't need to have a cooldown between fights," said Taeyong, and he snickered.
"I'm not talking about your physical state. I don't think you should place yourself in a hostile environment while you're feeling vulnerable. You've not long come out of a withdrawal, and it sounds to me like you were losing control of yourself when you were fighting Jaehyun."
Doyoung turned to look at Taeil with a furrowed brow. He knew that something was different about Taeyong, but it wasn't something that concerned him much. He'd seen the older man in varying states since his release from prison, and it didn't leave him worried about his well being, it simply left him on-edge and feeling the need to tiptoe around him like he was a sleeping beast.
"You've got no idea what you're talking about, Taeil. I wasn't losing control of anything, I was just using the means at my disposal to win. If you weren't even there, then how the fuck can you even come to that conclusion? I was completely fine," said Taeyong.
Taeil didn't seem convinced, but he nodded. "And now?"
"I'm still fine. Do I look like I'm not to you?" he snapped. "You're treating me like a fucking loony. I have a problem or two, but I'm not crazy. I'm fine, and I'll be even better once I've beaten the ever-living shit out of Chairman Gwan."
Doyoung tuned out the ensuing argument about whether Taeyong should appear at the Namjeong Clan Headquarters, too busy contemplating the seed that Taeil had planted in his mind. He trusted the older man's judgement as though it was his own. If Taeil had a reason to be worried about what was going on inside of Taeyong's—frankly unpredictable—head, then Doyoung was going to believe that there was something wrong.
"I'm going with you," he said abruptly, taking the two older men by surprise. "If you're going to the Namjeong Clan Headquarters, I'm coming with you. Nothing you say will change my mind, either."
"This is my fight, Doyoung. You're not coming with me. The Namjeong Clan is my business, and it's my fault that this has happened anyway."
"It isn't your fault, and I don't care if I don't know the Namjeong Clan like you do. I have a daughter, Taeyong. I'm not going to sit back and do nothing while there's a child missing that might be in danger. This wouldn't have happened if they didn't want you to find her, so I'm getting involved whether you like it or not," he added.
Taeyong clicked his tongue, and before Doyoung knew it, the older man was gripping him by the shirt and he was pushed against a cinderblock wall. His heart almost lept out of his chest at the abrupt action, and his jaw fell slack. Taeil seemed equally as alarmed as he watched from beside them.
"Listen to me! You've got no idea what Chairman Gwan is capable of, or any of the rest of the Namjeong Clan for that matter. I won't put you in danger!" the older man yelled.
Doyoung let out a breath that he hardly even realised that he was holding once Taeyong let go of him and stepped back, seemingly startled by his own reaction. He watched the older man with a furrowed brow as he glanced down at the ground with a frown. The interaction had caught the attention of Kun and a plethora of other Noctis members and civilians alike, but that was the least of Doyoung's worries.
Taeyong rarely ever raised his voice, even if his whole body was quaking in anger. Especially around any of the members of Noctis; Doyoung included. He knew how to regulate his anger to some extent—though his behaviour was a completely different topic—and he didn't like to scare certain younger members who had their own demons to contend with.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, "I need to go."
He turned to walk away, but Doyoung wasn't going to let Taeyong go that easily. He reached out and grabbed the older man's silver wrist, holding him in place. "I'm not going to be in danger. Even if I was, we can both fight, can't we? You're not going alone. If you don't let me come with you, I'll just make my own way there."
"You're a stubborn bastard," said Taeyong, and he let out a sigh. "Fine. I hope you've got ammunition in your gun, because you're going to need it. If I tell you to run, do it. You'll just hold me back if you insist on fighting a losing battle."
Doyoung had no intention of leaving Taeyong behind, but he nodded nonetheless. He didn't want to argue with the older man before meeting with Chairman Gwan. It wouldn't solve anything if they were tearing at each other's throats before they even arrived at the Namjeong Clan Headquarters.
For the first time in Doyoung's thirty-five years of life, he stood before the Namjeong Clan's main Headquarters, staring at the building in all of its glory. He'd seen a photograph or two of the towering, modernised building and had driven past it many times, but he had never dared to stand before the gates that separated the site from the rest of Cheongnam. Even the Korean Central Intelligence Agency tended to steer clear of the place—save for a few undercover agents—as they didn't want to risk waging a war against the large organisation.
The Namjeong Clan Headquarters was situated on the edge of Greater Cheongnam, which was a place that was greatly advantageous to the organisation. The building closely scraped the north-western border of Cheongnam, which reduced their vulnerability to attack. It was a logical place for the city's largest criminal organisation to call home.
Doyoung approached the gates with Taeyong at his side, and spared a glance to the older man as they came to a stop before one of the organisation's grunts. He didn't seem to be too unsettled by what they were about to do, despite clearly being concerned about whether or not they'd leave the Headquarters after they stepped inside. The Namjeong Clan grunt turned to Taeyong. Doyoung could see the young man's wide eyes even through his sunglasses. It seemed that the older man was still common knowledge inside of the organisation, even after his departure.
"We're here to see Chairman Gwan. It's important, and I'm sure he'll want to see us too," said Taeyong, "I think it'd be wise of you to not keep us waiting."
"O-Of course, Sir. Chairman Gwan has been awaiting your visit... but I didn't think that you'd actually come here," said the young grunt, and he bowed. "Please, head straight inside. It's urgent that you see Chairman Gwan as soon as possible."
Doyoung turned to Taeyong with a furrowed brow as the grunt opened the gate and allowed them inside. He hardly seemed to acknowledge his presence—not even bothering to question why the ex-member wasn't alone—and simply allowed both of them to enter the courtyard.
"That was easier than I was expecting," said Taeyong, glancing over his shoulder at the grunt as he walked into the courtyard. "Something's fishy. Why would he let us stroll straight in if he knows that we'll be angry at him? Either he's got something up his sleeve, or he's just fucking stupid."
"What if we're walking straight into hostile territory? I don't want us to dig our own graves here. Maybe we should go back and make him come back to Eclipse on the false pretences that you're going to take the job?" Doyoung suggested.
Taeyong snickered. "We're here already, and I don't back away from a fight. If Chairman Gwan is going to come at us guns blazing, then I'll be the one to drop that old bastard into the ground. I'm not scared of the Namjeong Clan, I know all of their tricks."
"Your reaction before seemed to imply otherwise."
"I was concerned for you, not me. If they're going to try and kill anybody, it'll be you. They'll do that to get under my skin. Plus, the Namjeong Clan can't harm me anymore. They know that I'll just take their 'punishment' and will just come back stronger—and angry," said Taeyong. "If they want to get to me, they're going to have to harm somebody close to me."
"I won't let that happen," said Doyoung as they approached the organisation's ultra-modern Headquarters, being observed by various members of the Namjeong Clan who stood nearby. "I'm not going to let myself fall to people like these, and I'm not going to let them harm you."
Taeyong stopped where he was standing and turned on his heels to face Doyoung. "I don't need you to protect me."
"I know. That doesn't mean that I'm going to let you fight alone, though. I promised that I wouldn't let you become the man that you don't want to be, and I mean it. If somebody else has your back, you can focus on moving forward with your life," he said. "I want you to rely on me. I know we're in a complicated place, but I want to be here for you."
It seemed as though the older man couldn't find the words that he wanted to follow, and then turned back and continued walking toward the entrance to the building in front of them. Doyoung accepted his silence. He knew that Taeyong wasn't good where emotion was concerned, but deep down, he appreciated it. Even if he wouldn't vocalise that fact.
Upon reaching the front door, they were met by another two Namjeong Clan men. They opened the door from the inside and welcomed them into their Headquarters as though Taeyong had never left the organisation. They bowed, and Doyoung felt his stomach flip. It felt wrong to be bowed to by members of the Namjeong Clan, even if he knew that the action wasn't directed at him. He still hated the organisation as much as he had while he was in the Korean Central Intelligence Agency, and he knew that they wouldn't appreciate him much either.
A third man approached them, and Doyoung took a step back. He didn't trust any of them, even if Chairman Gwan had given the green light for Taeyong to be allowed onto the premises.
"I'd appreciate it if you could hand over your weaponry with ease," said the Namjeong Clan grunt with a sickening smirk on his lips as he glanced down at the holster wrapped around Taeyong's waist and thighs. "It's a precaution to protect Chairman Gwan, but I'm sure you know that—don't you, Taeyong?"
Doyoung felt his blood boil, but he remained calm. He turned to look at Taeyong as the older man laughed and flung his arm around the grunt's shoulder. "I'm not giving you shit. Either you let us go and see old man Gwan armed, or we'll leave. I'm not gonna kill the bastard, am I? I'm smarter than that."
"You've never been allowed a weapon in Headquarters. You know the rules. If you don't give me your gun, dagger, and whatever the hell else you're hiding, I'm going to have to take them from you."
It seemed clear to Doyoung that they knew each other personally, though he didn't want to think about how. He wasn't the only one who could feel the tense atmosphere surrounding Taeyong and the grunt, it seemed, as people glanced their way and observed the interaction as though they were waiting for something to happen.
Doyoung was prepared to do the same thing—to wait and see how it would play out naturally, without interference—and trust in Taeyong to deal with the situation. However, when the Namjeong Clan grunt placed his hand on the older man's thigh and slipped it between his legs, he couldn't just stand there and watch. He grabbed the grunt by his free arm and sent him a threatening glare. "If you're smart, then you'll let go of him and you'll fuck off."
"Or what? What're you gonna do?" asked the grunt through a laugh. "I'm only trying to get his weapons. If neither of you can listen to simple instructions, then I'd say that you deserve to have a lesson or two drilled into your skull. A rule is a rule. I don't care who somebody is; nobody is about to break it on my watch."
"It didn't look like that to me."
Upon hearing an unfamiliar voice from above them, Doyoung's attention shifted to the top of the wide staircase before him. He could remember Chairman Gwan's face distinctly from the Namjeong Clan's files, and the voice came from none other than him. He was staring down at them, holding a revolver in his hand. Doyoung resisted his urge to grab his gun.
"Park Jungho, right? If I recall correctly, you've recently been disciplined for raping a woman while on collections. I don't appreciate people like you who treat average civilians with such disrespect," said Chairman Gwan. "Lee Taeyong hasn't been a Captain for three years, and I don't see Noctis as an organisation like us. He's a civilian in my eyes, Park, and you were on your last warning."
Doyoung raised his brow as Chairman Gwan cocked his gun and pointed it at Park Jungho as he walked down the stairs. He saw the grunt's expression shift into that of pure terror as his superior's finger lingered on the trigger. Doyoung pulled Taeyong out of the line of fire and braced as the gun was fired. Park Jungho fell to the ground as a high-pitched screech filled his ears, and he raised his free hand to cover his mouth.
He could never get used to seeing somebody dying right in front of his eyes like that. Doyoung's grip tightened on Taeyong's shirt sleeve subconsciously and the older man turned to look at him with his dark eye.
Park Jungho didn't die immediately, despite the bullet penetrating straight through his chest. He agonised on the ground, rolling and squirming as Chairman Gwan continued on his descent from the stairs. He came to a stop on the final step and looked at Doyoung, his eyes shifting to the hand that remained latched onto Taeyong. It was only then that he snatched his hand away, finally realising what he had done.
"I apologise about that. We've had an influx of people thinking that they can do whatever they want recently, but we're slowly weeding out the bad apples," said Chairman Gwan, and his attention averted back to the man who he was waiting for. "I must say, I just knew that you'd have a change of heart. There's a good man hidden beneath your outward appearance, despite everything that has happened."
Taeyong snickered. "Is this really the game you're going to play? I'm disappointed that you're that foolish to think that I'd take a job from you. But you're going to act like you've done nothing wrong? I hate people who lie to my face more than anybody else in this world."
"What? I've done many things that people would consider wrong, but I don't know what you're talking about. You're going to have to be specific," he said.
"You should fucking know!" Taeyong yelled, and he reached into his pocket for the bronze pin that was found on the attacker in Neo City, not even flinching as some of the grunts around them pulled out their guns. "One of your men killed two innocent people in Neo City. Is this because I didn't take your job? Why the fuck do you want to find this child so desperately? Why don't you leave it to the cops?"
"I haven't sent a single soul into Neo City, Lee. I have no interest in starting a war with Noctis, even if you're refusing to help me. If one of my guys was stirring up trouble, I'm sorry, but this has nothing to do with me," said Chairman Gwan.
Doyoung held his breath as Taeyong grabbed the leader of the Namjeong Clan by the collar and clenched his jaw, further irritating the grunts around them. He was playing a dangerous game with death by acting that way in front of several people loyal to Chairman Gwan. "Don't talk bullshit! You're insulted that I'm not scared of you anymore and that I didn't agree to the job!"
"I'm being honest with you," said Chairman Gwan, and he signalled for his men to lower their weapons, to which they complied with hesitance. "I wouldn't have a civilian killed just to scare you into working with me. You said it yourself last time we met, didn't you? You're not a pawn for the Namjeong Clan anymore. If you refuse to work for me, I'm not going to kill you for it."
It seemed evident to Doyoung that Chairman Gwan was telling the truth, though it made less sense than it would have if he would have just been the one to call the attack. It complicated their situation beyond belief.
"If you're telling me the truth, and you've honestly got nothing to do with what happened, then you have a serious problem inside of the Namjeong Clan. Why the fuck are your men acting without an order? If they've stopped fearing punishment for insubordination, then clearly the lasting impression of the bullshit that you put me through is wearing off," said Taeyong. "You're losing your edge."
"It could be Patriarch Nam's killer, or whoever they belong to. They could have used one of the grunts like they did with him. They're taking my men and using them for their own gain," said Chairman Gwan with a sigh, and he slipped his revolver into his pocket. "They wanted Noctis to blame the Namjeong Clan. That must be it, Lee. They're trying to get us to start a war."
"Noctis doesn't have anywhere near as many men as the Namjeong Clan. If that's their idea, then they must be stupid. You said that they were blackmailing Patriarch Nam, and that they wanted to form an alliance with you. Since you refused, surely they're pissed off. They probably want to end you."
Doyoung pondered as the two men spoke. It didn't seem obvious what they wanted from Noctis. If it was for them to destroy the Namjeong Clan, they wouldn't be able to do it alone. "They might want to form an alliance with Noctis now, to destroy the Namjeong Clan. It doesn't seem like a very intelligent plan, but I wouldn't put it past most of the gangsters in Cheongnam."
"You know—I think you may be right," said Chairman Gwan, much to Doyoung's surprise. "Lee, you're not on the best of terms with Patriarch Nam, you never have been. They might have chosen him purposefully. You're glad that he's dead, and they can use that to their advantage."
"But where does kidnapping Hyejin come into this? She's still missing, isn't she?" asked Taeyong, and he frowned. "I don't want a child to be dragged into this mess. If it is Noctis that they're after, they've chosen the wrong route."
"We haven't heard anything from whoever took her, yet. I don't think they're going to contact us, either. I still want to find her. Her mother has been torn ever since she was kidnapped, and it isn't right for me to abandon her. I'm not sure why they took her, but we need to get her back," said Chairman Gwan. "Of course, you've said that you're not going to work for me, so we've lost valuable manpower."
Taeyong's mood visibly shifted. Doyoung saw the older man swallow harshly, and he stared at Chairman Gwan with his eye narrowed. "We're trying to look for her, but it's not to help you. We don't want an innocent child to have her life ruined, that's all."
"That's good. I'm glad that you're trying, Lee... I'm sure her mother would be grateful. I know that it doesn't mean anything to you, but I'm thankful, too. I don't know what I'd do if something was to happen to that poor girl," said Chairman Gwan.
"Damn right it doesn't. You never answered my question, though," said Taeyong, and the eldest man furrowed his brow. "Why do you want to find Hyejin so badly? She isn't the first kidnapped child in Cheongnam, and she won't be the last, either. You seem to be oddly invested in finding her."
"I don't need an ulterior motive or a specific reason to care about the wellbeing of a child, do I? I know that you see me as a monster, Lee, and I get it, but I'm not as heartless as you think I am," said Chairman Gwan. "You probably don't want to hear it—and I don't want to sound like I'm excusing my actions—but when Patriarch Lim first introduced you to me, I told him that what he was doing was wrong. He wouldn't listen to me, though, and the Namjeong Clan was too reliant on him to excommunicate him."
Taeyong let out a scoff, and Doyoung could hardly blame him. Chairman Gwan did the most insignificant thing to stop Patriarch Lim and expected the older man to be grateful for it. Taeyong rolled his eyes. "You're right, I don't want to hear it. Now, if we're done here, we have to return to Neo City and figure out what to do next."
"Wait, before you leave—" said Chairman Gwan, and he stepped onto the ground from the stair in which he was standing, "—I'd appreciate it if you could keep me in the loop as to what's happening. For Hyejin's sake, not mine."
"Mind your own business, and I'll give you an update if I feel like it. I'm not working for the Namjeong Clan, so I won't take any orders from you. I'd rather team up with whoever this mysterious killer is than help you, even if they were to kill me afterward."
Doyoung couldn't blame Taeyong for his distrust and overall hatred of Chairman Gwan. Though the latter had never shared much about what had happened while he was in the Namjeong Clan, he knew enough to know that the whole of the Namjeong Clan deserved to burn in hell. Chairman Gwan seemed too sure of himself and his abilities to have people do what he wanted them to, and that angered Doyoung.
As much as they both wanted to turn their noses up at Chairman Gwan and never associate with the man again, they weren't going to abandon an innocent child for the sake of spite. They'd regret it, and Doyoung didn't want to live a life with regrets.
It was cold.
Taeyong couldn't tell whether the smoke wisping before him was from what was left of his cigarette, or if it was his icy breath escaping into the air. When it was so often unbearably hot during the day, the bitter cold of the night felt all the more adverse to him. He could feel the chilled air sinking deep into his bones and spreading all throughout his body like a parasite as Taeyong walked up the stairs leading to his and Doyoung's shared apartment.
But he didn't have the company of the younger man. Taeyong was alone, and he could feel it. It was a feeling that seemed much more anguishing than the weather. He didn't mind, though. Taeyong never expected that Doyoung would want to return so early into the night.
He crushed what remained of his cigarette under his boot and reached into his pocket, fumbling around with what was inside as he tried to find his keys. His hand was trembling in the cold as he pushed past a lighter and a pocket knife until he eventually found his key. A wave of warm air rushed over his body as he opened the apartment door, but it wasn't welcoming.
It was rare that Taeyong found himself alone in the apartment. He usually returned with Doyoung, or later than the younger man. However, after explaining everything that had happened with Chairman Gwan to Kun over a glass—or three—of whiskey in Eclipse, all that Taeyong wanted to do was rest. Doyoung wanted to spend more time in Neo City with the younger members of Noctis, so they parted.
As the door clicked shut, Taeyong was deprived of not only the free-flowing fresh air that he appreciated, but also the constant stimulation that being outside in the bustling city of Cheongnam brought him: no screeching tires, no street-side food vendors or blinking lights. It left the floodgates of Taeyong's mind unguarded and vulnerable, and before he knew it, he could feel it all. He was overwhelmed by a rush of thoughts and once drowned-out sensations and sullied touches that etched into his skin like an invisible branding.
His skin crawled.
All he could do was dream about peeling away his skin—shedding it like a snake—and starting over, but that wasn't possible. Even if he scrubbed his whole body raw, he'd never escape it. It'd always come back. He felt powerless in his own skin, and it was a feeling that he could never shake.
Taeyong hurried over to the balcony and pulled the door open, allowing the bitter air to enter the apartment as the wind gently blew on the other side. He knew that it was only a temporary relief, despite the view of vividly coloured lights and rushing cars on the street beneath. Taeyong felt a certain isolation while everybody around him was creating lifelong bonds and befriending everybody around them. It was something he couldn't do; he'd already let Doyoung inside, and though the younger man was yet to harm him, he trusted him too much. Trust was dangerous. It was a liability.
Taeyong tore his waistcoat from his back and laid it across the table in the apartment's kitchen area, hardly responsive to the cold circulating around the apartment. He reached for a glass and poured himself some water, hoping to feel at least some temporary relief in the form of sobriety. For once in his life, he regretted drinking alcohol. Everything was amplified beyond his control.
In an ideal world, Taeyong would simply sleep through the feeling, and wake up renewed—though hungover—in the morning. However, he knew that he'd struggle to keep himself asleep if he even managed to drift off in the first place. He longed for a peaceful night's sleep, though he knew that it was an impossible request. It seemed that his body wasn't capable of not reliving every stained and ruinous experience that he lived in his life on repeat, every day.
But he was never truly alone, even if he felt so. He would forever be followed by the looming shadow of Patriarch Lim, whether he liked it or not. There were few things which drowned out the man, but he clung onto those things with all of his might, trying to keep himself anchored in the present.
An overwhelming sense of longing bubbled beneath Taeyong's skin, calling out for temporary relief to drown out his mind, whatever that may entail. He found himself making his way toward the bathroom, led by a slow and uncertain step as he walked into the small room. He glanced over his shoulder, as though he wasn't alone. He felt as though he'd turn and Doyoung would be standing in the bedroom doorway, his gaze judging as he examined Taeyong's state.
The thought of Doyoung seeing how weak he truly was brought more fear to him than Patriarch Lim ever did.
Taeyong sank down to his knees when he reached the bathroom, his eye lingering over the cupboard of cleaning supplies and chemicals beneath the sink for a moment too long for his mind to handle. He reached out with his metallic arm tentatively, his silver fingers lingering on the door as he contemplated his actions.
He was alone.
Doyoung was probably going to be out for at least another hour.
He built up the psychological courage to open the cupboard door, and Taeyong was met by a plethora of coloured bottles, misshapen boxes, and reusable rags. It was filled to the brim with supplies, though only a handful of them would ever see the light of day. It seemed, at first glance, that Doyoung hadn't been inside of the cupboard, and it was rare that he would have been. He wasn't lazy—he kept up with keeping the apartment clean almost to the extent that he did—but Taeyong had insisted on being the one to clean. It meant that everything was always exactly where he'd left it.
Taeyong reached into the cramped cupboard and pushed aside a row of bottles, though he accidentally knocked some over in his hurry. He brushed his flesh hand across the back of the cupboard, feeling the general area in search of his relief. Upon finally touching cold plastic, Taeyong felt many of the phantom touches fade from his skin. He took a deep breath, pulling the small sachet from the confines of the cupboard. He shook it gently and watched the powder inside shift and then settle.
Just knowing that it hadn't been found flooded Taeyong's body with relief, and he closed the cupboard door and rose to his feet. He placed the sachet on the countertop beside the sink and locked the bathroom door, hoping that Doyoung wouldn't return early. If he knew what Taeyong was about to do, then the younger man would be disappointed.
But he couldn't resist it. If he was to place the sachet back inside of the cupboard, then he'd feel the need to do something rash, and much more painful.
He pulled the airlock of the sachet open, fumbling with the small plastic bag with his trembling fingers. Taeyong poured a small yet significant mound of cocaine onto the countertop, and he pulled his credit card out of his wallet. Though his conscience was screaming at him inside of his head to simply brush the powder into the sink, Taeyong brushed the cocaine into a line using the edge of his credit card, not sparing a thought to the unknown yet clearly large dose on the countertop in front of him.
Taeyong lowered his head close to the countertop and held his breath, using his silver index finger to cover his nostril, and he positioned himself at the top of the line that he'd created. He hardly hesitated, harshly inhaling the substance through his unblocked nostril until there was nothing more than a few specks of the substance remaining on the countertop. He ignored the tickling sensation in his nose and wiped the remnants of cocaine from above his upper lip.
Almost immediately, a pang of guilt attacked Taeyong's soul. Doyoung trusted him—not just him, Minhyung, Taeil, and Kun, too—to try his hardest to resist his urges to take any drugs.
He was failing them. Again.
Taeyong shrunk down onto the bathroom floor and buried his face into his hands. He wasn't content anymore, ever since Doyoung appeared in his life. His drug use started as a misguided coping mechanism after finally being released from the Namjeong Clan's basement. It was initially effective at making him feel less like he was a rag doll for people to use as they saw fit, but soon, it was never enough. He started experimenting with drugs other than cocaine, and then accidentally roped Patriarch Lim into his problem.
He hated to admit that he was an addict. He refuted the concept wherever somebody mentioned the fact, but that's what it was—a fact. It was a fact that pained Taeyong. He wished that he'd never started using the drug at all, but he couldn't just stop using it. It wasn't as simple as he wished it would be to give it up, before he ruined what happiness that he'd finally managed to gain.
As he slumped against the shower cubicle, Taeyong felt something which he hadn't experienced since his mother had been murdered. A tear trickled down his face and his vision blurred as tears welled in his eye. He felt the lump in his throat as he gulped, trying to brush away his anguish.
He'd fucked up.
Taeyong considered how Doyoung would react if he was to return from Neo City and find out that after only a week and a half of cocaine sobriety, he had used the substance again. Would he be angry? Would he be sad? Most importantly of all, would he finally get sick of him and throw him into the nearest rehabilitation centre?
The thought of being freed from the curse that cocaine had brought him felt enlightening to Taeyong but he wouldn't return to a medical setting. No, he couldn't return to a medical setting. He wasn't going to place his life in another's person's care and forfeit all of the control that he'd gained over his life. He'd sooner overdose than check himself into a rehabilitation centre, if that was what it'd take to avoid throwing his power and authority over himself away like it meant nothing to him.
Before he knew it, Taeyong was bawling into his hands. He bit the inside of his lip in an attempt to stifle his cries and silence himself, as though somebody was going to hear him. He felt his stomach churn and twist like it was warped into a knot. He pushed himself up from the ground and grabbed onto the edge of the toilet, his fingers brushing against cold ceramic. His stomach lurched and he threw up into the bowl, trembling as he felt blood ooze from his nose.
"Taeyong?"
He felt as though his whole world shattered into a million pieces.
Doyoung had arrived back at the apartment, and he yelled through the door, though his voice was muffled. Taeyong pushed himself away from the toilet and grabbed the sachet of cocaine from beside the sink. He threw it to the back of the cleaning cupboard and quietly closed the door, not wanting the younger man to be suspicious of him. "Y-Yeah?"
"I'm worried about you, I heard you throwing up. I've been back a few minutes, and I think I also heard you crying... are you alright?" asked Doyoung, and he paused for a moment before speaking again. "Can you let me inside?"
"I'm fine, you don't need to worry. It's just the alcohol, I think I drank too much at Eclipse," said Taeyong, his heart pounding like he'd never experienced before. "I look horrible, I don't want you to see me like this."
"Please, Taeyong..."
Doyoung pulled on the handle from the other side of the door and Taeyong heard the former sigh quietly. He couldn't bear to face the younger man in the state that he was in, though his guilt was running rampant at the thought that he was locking Doyoung out when he'd accepted him into his life despite being flawed. As much as Taeyong wished it was otherwise, he couldn't let the younger man see him so vulnerable and pathetic. He was sure that Doyoung would laugh at him if he saw that the image that he'd created for himself couldn't be further from how Taeyong felt inside.
He saw his reflection from the corner of his eye, and it pained him. His pupil was dilated and his eye bloodshot, greatly contrasting to his pale face. He turned on the tap, not wanting the blood beneath his nose to soak into his skin, as washed it away, harshly rubbing the area with his fingers. He was dangerously close to breaking down—he could tell that much—but he tried his hardest to push himself away from that edge.
"Did something happen? You were alright walking back here on your own, right?" asked Doyoung, his voice naturally lowering in volume as though he thought the volume would somehow make the question worse. "Did somebody bother you?"
Doyoung thought he was weak. He thought that people looked at him and saw nothing other than prey, and Taeyong wasn't sure if he disagreed with the prospect. He already knew that people didn't look at him and see what little he'd achieved in his life. Taeyong clenched his jaw. "I can defend myself, even if somebody did try anything. Do you think I just let people fuck me on the street?"
"N-No, that's not what I meant. I didn't mean to imply that, if that's what it seemed like..." said the younger man. "I want to see you, Taeyong. Please?"
He wasn't going to leave, Taeyong thought, even if it meant that he'd stay awake all night. It was hardly uncharacteristic of Doyoung. He was more caring and affectionate than he initially seemed, but in certain circumstances, it was unbearably annoying. Taeyong clicked his tongue, drying his face and taking one final look at himself in the mirror.
He couldn't see any way around facing Doyoung. It wasn't as though he could just jump out of the bathroom window and freefall down over twenty-five stories, as much as he felt like that would be more enjoyable than revealing himself.
He reached for the lock and turned it.
Doyoung opened the door as soon as Taeyong let go of the lock, and he stuck his head inside of the bathroom before daring to let the door entirely swing open. His jaw dropped as soon as he saw him, and Taeyong glanced down at the floor.
He was expecting Doyoung to either proclaim his stupidity or turn around and leave, but he did neither. He took a moment to gain his composure and then he approached Taeyong and threw his arms around him. Too stunned to speak, Taeyong loosely placed his metallic arm on the younger man's lower back as Doyoung held him tightly and buried his head into the crook of his neck, his fingers raking through the back of Taeyong's hair.
"It's alright, I'm not angry at you. I'm sorry that I made you come back here alone, I should have been here for you..."
Hearing Doyoung's voice crack ever so slightly, Taeyong's eye filled with tears again, and he clenched it shut. He never spoke, feeling as though he'd break down crying as soon as he opened his mouth to speak. He was content with being silent, though, and he hoped that Doyoung would understand.
If, in that moment, the world was to fall still on its axis, Taeyong wouldn't resist dying in Doyoung's embrace.
☆ ☆ ☆
A/N: TW: Mention of rape. Non-consensual touching.
Apologies to fictional Taeyong in this story because I put you through so much, I kind of feel bad, haha. I try not to make stories an angst-fest but I'm a very pessimistic person so unfortunately a lot of my ideas are dark. I hope it's not too depressing for you to read.